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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bullied?

358 replies

JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 10:32

Name changed in case the mums are on here, long back story so bare with me.

When my DD was at nursery she was inseparable from another girl. As a result of this I became very good friends with the girls mother. We used to meet each other socially and text each other virtually everyday. As they were approaching reception age I felt that my DD shouldn't be so reliant on this girl so I asked the nursery to change their days so they weren't together. I told the mum it was due to my work so as not to hurt her feelings. My DD then became friends with a girl who was also friends with my friends DD.

The problem came when the girls all started school as my DD then didn't want to play with my friends DD. My friends DD had some tantrums at school because my DD asked her not to play with her and their mutual friend. My friend then approached me to say her DD had come home from school upset and asked what was going on. I let slip about separating them at nursery and she went mad, accusing me of lying (OTT) and since then we haven't spoken.

I then became really good friends with the mum of the mutual friend to the girls. We started going for coffee and meeting at the school gates. My ex friend then started getting upset accusing us of talking about her and to be honest it ruined my DD's first year at school.

They are now in their second year and the mum of the mutual friend decided to move her DD to another school. My ex friend is what I call a PTA mum. She's involved with everything to do with the school and she's all up the other mum's asses, talking to them at the gates etc.

I now find myself stood alone at the gates because I can't join in conversations with the other mum's as she is there. My DD doesn't have many friends and I've tried inviting children back for tea but never get an invite back.

AIBU to speak to the head that I feel bullied and excluded?

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 10/09/2018 11:03

the head has no control over who reciprocates playdate invitations

next time she is upset, why not talk to her about how this is how her friend a probably felt when she told her she wasn't allowed to play with her and friend b, and that you are very sorry if you said or did anything to make her think that was what she had to do

you have really dropped a bollock here op, I would seriously consider moving your dd's school and starting again.

Sparklesocks · 10/09/2018 11:03

Also it's the teachers' job to sort out bullying and disagreements for the pupils.
It's not their job to sort out the parents too. You're a grown up, put on your big girl pants.

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2018 11:03

The head teacher isn't there to intervene because you've caused yourself a lot of drama and now you're not happy about it.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 11:03

No I think she's being excluded because there is no invites back.

Your child is what you Made her, someone who excludes other children. As you do.

No one likes that shit.

Inc you it seems.

What's the real truth here? Why did you wish to distance yourself from this woman? You were talking about her weren't you and trying to exclude her?

They will all know. The other mum who left will have told them,

SoupDragon · 10/09/2018 11:03

AIBU to speak to the head that I feel bullied and excluded?

You realise the head is there to deal with the children not the pettiness of the (supposed) grown adults that are their parents?

You brought this on yourself really. What did you think would happen?

WhiteHartLane · 10/09/2018 11:03

I get what you are saying (in your 10.43 post), but the nursery/reception staff would help encourage other friendships and tbf if your DD can tell another child that they don't want to play with them then I don't believe she is as timid as you believe she is. If I were the other Mum I would have felt hurt that you changed days and lied about it especially when it wasn't necessary.

I can't see what you would achieve by informing the Head. If your DD's friends Mum's are accepting your invitations and allowing their children to play at your house then I would leave it at that.

hamzilla · 10/09/2018 11:03

Who the fuck separates their child from their best friend??! You have issues, OP.

Gottagetmoving · 10/09/2018 11:04

This is my first and only child, I'm new to this and just feel overwhelmed

Take on board the comments you are getting from others on here and think about how you have handled the whole thing.
Realise, although your DD is the most important thing in the world to you, that other people feel the same about their child.
You didn't care that much about the other little girl or her feelings.
Also take on board that everyone else are not there to accommodate your demands.
Learn

Original poster
JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 11:05

Can I just make this clear- I have never told my DD to exclude my ex friends DD. I assume she no longer wants to play with her because she was separated from her at nursery and had the opportunity to make new friends but I have never instructed her to do that

OP posts:
Tutlefru · 10/09/2018 11:05

Totally unreasonable.

All you had to do was encourage DD to mix with others.

Instead you lied to a friend and seperated her DD from yours for reasons that don't really add up.

Your DD shouldn't be telling her friends they cannot play with her and her other friend. It's not kind. Simple as that.

Angiemum23 · 10/09/2018 11:06

Guessing you bullied kids when you was at school.

Tutlefru · 10/09/2018 11:06

Also please don't bother the head with these playground antics. They've enough to do!

Just go and collect your DD. The school run is just that. I used to treat it as a social gathering and I regret it. Now I'm and in and out. It's bliss.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 10/09/2018 11:07

I have never instructed her to do that

So why did a timid and shy child tell another child that she wasn’t allowed to play with them? That is such a strange thing for a child to do. She must have had the idea from somewhere. If not and she really came up with that herself I would be having quite an involved chat with her about that.

JustJoinedRightNow · 10/09/2018 11:07

Just don’t tell lies OP. You didn’t need to give your friend a reason for changing her days. The lie was your first mistake.

The second was allowing your DD to come home and tell you she was telling her friend that she couldn’t play with them. I am surprised your DD didn’t get spoken to by the teacher about this actually - that is a form of bullying if it is consistent and over a sustained period of time. I am also very surprised you allowed this to happen.

You are an adult. I understand that you feel the atmosphere at the school gate is horrible and you are the one left feeling horrible and sad and left out. But this is probably due to the other parent having friends who understand how she felt having a daughter being consistently bullied and excluded, and now those other adults have made their own minds up to not have much to do with you. You’re the parent of the bully who just does not accept your daughter is the bully. I don’t believe you’re going to listen to any of this advice, but for your sake and your DD’s sake I hope you do. Start being kind.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/09/2018 11:07

What's the real reason you didn't want your DD being friends with this child? At least have the balls to tell us.

AssassinatedBeauty · 10/09/2018 11:07

Did you talk to her about it being unkind to exclude friends and say that they aren't allowed to play with her and her new friend? Because if not, then you're supporting her in excluding friends and trying to control who they can play with.

Doyoumind · 10/09/2018 11:07

You were horrid to your DD to separate her from her friend in the first place. I can't get passed the fact that you changed her days and your work days to move her away from someone she was getting on happily with. That's where all of this started. It's a bizarre thing to do.

ErictheGuineaPig · 10/09/2018 11:08

You never instructed her I'm sure but you weren't very sympathetic to your friend ringing up and telling you about her dd being upset were you?

quackaday · 10/09/2018 11:08

Regardless of right or wrong here I don't think the school have ANY jurisdiction over parents' treatment of each other. We are all grown ups and whilst you may feel excluded it isn't a given right that you must be friends or even friendly to the other parents. Yes it's nice to make friends but it's no skin off the school's nose whether you do or don't so you'd BU to report it to them and expect them to sort it out or, to be frank, even care?!

Doyoumind · 10/09/2018 11:09

*get past

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 11:10

So as this girl kept having "tantrums" at school because your daughter wouldn't let her play, what did you do to put an immediate stop to her bullying and exclusion of this child, and stop her relying on her new friend.

Nothing it seems. As you were happy with your new friend. Now she's left you are suffering because of your actions.

At least be honest on here. You were using your child to manipulate your own friendships and were happy. For her to bully and exclude, as that's what you were doing to the mum

PrivateDoor · 10/09/2018 11:11

You said yourself that the mutual friend was friends with the other girl yet your dd asked her to stay away from them both. This is horrible behaviour and would not be tolerated at the school my children are at. If your dd did not want to play with her, then it was up to her to walk away from them both and play elsewhere. Sadly the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and she clearly is reciprocating your behaviour. This is all of your making op.

As for you feeling bullied because the other parents don't want to chat to you. Do you really want the head to take time from their work to engage with this nonsense? Again, this is of your making, I also wouldn't want to chat to someone like you in the playground. Also think about it - you think your dd should be allowed to dictate who plays with her and her friends - but these women aren't allowed to decide who they speak to in the playground???

Original poster
JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 11:11

I separated them because I felt that my ex friends DD was suffocating her. They spent all day together at nursery and had play dates at home and I was very worried that when they started school that it would continue.

I lied to her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I didn't want to tell.her that I felt her DD was being suffocating

OP posts:
overnightangel · 10/09/2018 11:12

@JoulesMrs
You
Are
Being
Ridiculously
Massively
Unreasonable

As a PP said unfortunately due to your ineptness and lack of social skills you’ve made life harder for your daughter. You’re a meddler

EggMayonnaise · 10/09/2018 11:12

Do you honestly think it's okay for a child to tell another that they're not welcome to play?

Do you not think telling your child that it was very unkind to leave a friend out would have been better?

You've supported your child in doing the very thing you are complaining about being done to you.