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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bullied?

358 replies

JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 10:32

Name changed in case the mums are on here, long back story so bare with me.

When my DD was at nursery she was inseparable from another girl. As a result of this I became very good friends with the girls mother. We used to meet each other socially and text each other virtually everyday. As they were approaching reception age I felt that my DD shouldn't be so reliant on this girl so I asked the nursery to change their days so they weren't together. I told the mum it was due to my work so as not to hurt her feelings. My DD then became friends with a girl who was also friends with my friends DD.

The problem came when the girls all started school as my DD then didn't want to play with my friends DD. My friends DD had some tantrums at school because my DD asked her not to play with her and their mutual friend. My friend then approached me to say her DD had come home from school upset and asked what was going on. I let slip about separating them at nursery and she went mad, accusing me of lying (OTT) and since then we haven't spoken.

I then became really good friends with the mum of the mutual friend to the girls. We started going for coffee and meeting at the school gates. My ex friend then started getting upset accusing us of talking about her and to be honest it ruined my DD's first year at school.

They are now in their second year and the mum of the mutual friend decided to move her DD to another school. My ex friend is what I call a PTA mum. She's involved with everything to do with the school and she's all up the other mum's asses, talking to them at the gates etc.

I now find myself stood alone at the gates because I can't join in conversations with the other mum's as she is there. My DD doesn't have many friends and I've tried inviting children back for tea but never get an invite back.

AIBU to speak to the head that I feel bullied and excluded?

OP posts:
Lalliella · 10/09/2018 10:43

Also, why was she OTT to accuse you of lying? You did lie. You need to take responsibility for your actions, you’re just reaping what you sow now.

Gottagetmoving · 10/09/2018 10:44

So your DD can decide who can play with the mutual friend?
Perhaps you DD should have removed herself seeing as she was the one with the problem.
You should be concerned your DD was being mean to another child.

JagerPlease · 10/09/2018 10:44

Honestly, other children probably don't want to play with your DD for fear of her suddenly deciding to exclude them. Ditto the mums not wanting to speak to you.

A situation which is all of your making

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 10/09/2018 10:44

you 'let slip' about nursery? How was that? a slip of the tongue?

Clionba · 10/09/2018 10:44

I don't get this. Your little girl was good friends with another child, you were friends with the mum, but you wanted the children separated? Why? Then you lied to the mother. Why?

ThreeAnkleBiters · 10/09/2018 10:45

She wasn't excluding her, she was just asking her not to play with her and this other girl. She wasn't nasty about it!

Well that probably came about because you deliberately separated her from her friend. Why do you think it's fine for your DD to say "you can't play with me and my friend" but you expect this other mum who is very understandably upset with you to welcome you into her other friendships?

Original poster
JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 10:45

I'm actually really surprised by these responses. I always see posts about allowing your child to make lots of friends etc, which is what I've tried to do but somehow it's come across as though I'm being mean!

OP posts:
Lalliella · 10/09/2018 10:45

she's all up the other mum's asses
this could be a clue as to why you’re being treated as you are...

puzzledlady · 10/09/2018 10:45

OP - You manipulated your daughter into befriending someone else when she was perfectly happy with the other girl. You then lied about it to her mum. Are you sure you aren’t not the bully here? Your dd asking this girl not to play with them is through your manipulative ways - I feel sorry for her.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/09/2018 10:45

You shouldn't have changed your DDs day imo. The situation would have sorted itself out naturally once they started school.

ismellsnow · 10/09/2018 10:46

YABU, this is a situation of your own making.

Please don't waste the head's time with this.

Angiemum23 · 10/09/2018 10:46

YRBU! You taught your daughter to be a bully!

Gottagetmoving · 10/09/2018 10:46

My DD has always been very timid and shy

She doesn't sound timid or shy.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 10/09/2018 10:46

I'm actually beginning to think this must be a reverse. Your DD is allowed to exclude her previously good friend from her new group of friends but you want to get the head teacher to force the other mum's to be friends with you?

ErictheGuineaPig · 10/09/2018 10:47

I think you've been a bit cack handed OP - although I see why you did it. I have similar concerns with my DD and her very intense friendship with her BFF. But I'm tackling it by inviting other kids over AS WELL AS her friend rather than instead of. And honestly, if she told me another child was asking to join in with her and other friends at play time then I would encourge her to let them join in to be honest.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 10/09/2018 10:47

anyway - and I don't mean this nastily - these years will be over v quickly. At this stage, maybe concentrate on getting to work/building your career instead of hanging around at the school gates.

Gottagetmoving · 10/09/2018 10:48

I'd like to know if the mutual friend has a choice in this?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 10/09/2018 10:48

You want to get the head involved? You did lie, and you could have sorted this really easily by encouraging other friendships without excluding the original friend.

transkatie33 · 10/09/2018 10:48

School gate wars Grin

Darkstar4855 · 10/09/2018 10:48

Why did you lie to your friend about changing the nursery days? It’s fine to have the concerns that you had but why didn’t you talk them over with her instead of sneaking around behind her back?

I don’t blame her for not wanting to be friends with you.

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 10/09/2018 10:48

AIBU to speak to the head that I feel bullied and excluded?

So you want to tell the teacher on her?

Grow up. You are in a situation of your own making.

Rumplestiltskinswife · 10/09/2018 10:48

This is surely a reverse? Read your post back OP.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 10/09/2018 10:49

I'm actually really surprised by these responses. I always see posts about allowing your child to make lots of friends etc

No one is saying you shouldn't allow your child to make lots of friends they're saying you shouldn't have deliberately separated your child from her existing friend encouraged her to exclude her friend from playing with her and the new mutual friend!

I don't see why you were so worried about your child having a best friend but if you were you could have just invited some other children for playdates instead of splitting up her existing friendship.

Sparklesocks · 10/09/2018 10:50

You manipulated a situation to control the friends your daughter had.
It bit you on the arse.
Not much to say really, except let your daughter be friends with who she wants to be friends with. You could’ve still encouraged her to make new friends without literally changing her schedule to avoid the other little girl.

PickledChutney · 10/09/2018 10:50

The other mothers are purely doing to you what your daughter did to the original friend. Also, it doesn’t sound as though your behaviour was encouraging your DD to make new friends - you went out of your way to change nursery days so that your DD was forced to make their friends, even though your DD was seemingly quite happy as she was.

It sounds like you are the one with issues tbh. If you approach the school and tell them you’re being bullied or excluded, they’ll likely laugh you off the premises.

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