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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bullied?

358 replies

JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 10:32

Name changed in case the mums are on here, long back story so bare with me.

When my DD was at nursery she was inseparable from another girl. As a result of this I became very good friends with the girls mother. We used to meet each other socially and text each other virtually everyday. As they were approaching reception age I felt that my DD shouldn't be so reliant on this girl so I asked the nursery to change their days so they weren't together. I told the mum it was due to my work so as not to hurt her feelings. My DD then became friends with a girl who was also friends with my friends DD.

The problem came when the girls all started school as my DD then didn't want to play with my friends DD. My friends DD had some tantrums at school because my DD asked her not to play with her and their mutual friend. My friend then approached me to say her DD had come home from school upset and asked what was going on. I let slip about separating them at nursery and she went mad, accusing me of lying (OTT) and since then we haven't spoken.

I then became really good friends with the mum of the mutual friend to the girls. We started going for coffee and meeting at the school gates. My ex friend then started getting upset accusing us of talking about her and to be honest it ruined my DD's first year at school.

They are now in their second year and the mum of the mutual friend decided to move her DD to another school. My ex friend is what I call a PTA mum. She's involved with everything to do with the school and she's all up the other mum's asses, talking to them at the gates etc.

I now find myself stood alone at the gates because I can't join in conversations with the other mum's as she is there. My DD doesn't have many friends and I've tried inviting children back for tea but never get an invite back.

AIBU to speak to the head that I feel bullied and excluded?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 11:24

So it was the mum you disliked

I think that was fairly obvious from the start great duck. She used her child to manipulate her own friendships.

Aspenfrost · 10/09/2018 11:24

Speak to the Head?? Are you serious? The Head isn’t there to sort out your social life.

In addition, this is very much a case of consequences. All actions have consequences.
I don’t see why you behaved as you did in the first place. In addition, not being honest with your friend was not very nice, frankly.

itswinetime · 10/09/2018 11:24

*Can I just say the mum of the mutual friend also really disliked the ex friend and how she behaved.

I realise it was wrong to lie to her. However I think too much water has gone under the bridge to get that friendship back on track*

So you were bitching about her. And you are the most obtuse person ever of course this friendship isn't getting back on track you were a bitch to this women!

Original poster
JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 11:25

No I didn't dislike my ex friend before the fallout. I liked her very much, she was one of my best friends.

However when I became friends with the other mum after stopping speaking to my ex friend, my ex friend behaved very oddly. She accused me and the other mum of talking about her in a derogatory manner and we ended up blocking on her on Facebook. It was all very childish and now it appears as though she's told the others mums things that are making them exclude my DD

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 10/09/2018 11:25

It's not about you repairing your friendships, or which adult has issues with another adult. It's about how your daughter learns social skills and whether she is kind or not to her friends. I cannot believe how over-invested you are in her friendship groups. Just leave her to it, emphasise and model kindness and inclusion, and don't worry about it beyond that.

MissClareRemembers · 10/09/2018 11:27

Of course the mum of the mutual friend (MOTMF) didn’t ‘like’ the ex-friend’s behaviour! You and MOTMF were in cahoots against ex-friend! You were an exclusive team with a perceived common enemy. Hmmm sounds rather like the definition of bullying...

Come on OP surely you can see you are not a blameless victim in this???

Spacezombies · 10/09/2018 11:28

@JoulesMrs

There's really no point in even speak to you is there? You're ignoring everything that's being said because it's not just agreeing with you. You're refusing to discuss how you will handle your daughters behaviour towards that wee girl who just wanted a friend. And you're refusing to accept that you handled this all badly and brought it upon yourself.

There's no point asking for advice when you have no intention of accepting your wrongdoing.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 11:28

No op

They are excluding you.

The other mums will all know what was occurring and how that little girl was being treated by uour daughter. How the mum was being treated by you and the other woman. Looks like they have passed judgement and it's not in your favour.

Aspenfrost · 10/09/2018 11:28

You all sound more childish - and unpleasant - that the children with whom you are playing chess. Hmm

Original poster
JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 11:29

I am probably over invested but my DD finds it hard to make friends and is shy so as her mother I can't stand by and allow it to happen. It's probably "only child syndrome" but she is my only child that u have to think of

OP posts:
ThreeAnkleBiters · 10/09/2018 11:29

However when I became friends with the other mum after stopping speaking to my ex friend, my ex friend behaved very oddly. She accused me and the other mum of talking about her in a derogatory manner and we ended up blocking on her on Facebook.

God we're really banging our heads against the wall with you aren't we. You dumped your friend and made a new friend and both spent time bitching about old friend. Of course old friend didn't like it!

MissClareRemembers · 10/09/2018 11:30

Look, it’s human nature to want a sense of belonging. Unfortunately that often gets skewed and we end up turning on others in a crack-handed attempt to strengthen our own sense of belonging. In its most basic sense, look at rival football teams.

Usually this type of behaviour stays at school and we become more open minded and simply kinder as we get older. Sometimes this doesn’t happen and we end up in your kind of situation.

SoupDragon · 10/09/2018 11:30

It was all very childish

You are not innocent in that.

and now it appears as though she's told the others mums things that are making them exclude my DD

If they were excluding your DD they would make excuses not to send their DC on a play date.

TBH, if I heard you’d deliberately moved your child to avoid someone and the child had subsequently tried to exclude another child from a mutual friend, I would want to keep my distance.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/09/2018 11:31

So you were friends until your DD started excluding her DD at school? The mum asked what was going on and you blurred out that you'd swapped her days deliberately and lied that it was because of work?

Do you not see why she'd be upset? And how that it looked like you and the other mum was ganging up on her and her DD?

Can you really not see that?

itswinetime · 10/09/2018 11:31

Ok so you have received unanimous feed back that you are wrong and you aren't listening.

So it's either pointless engaging with you or this is a reverse and your enjoying seeing your ex friend slated

ThreeAnkleBiters · 10/09/2018 11:31

I am probably over invested but my DD finds it hard to make friends and is shy so as her mother I can't stand by and allow it to happen.

This makes zero sense. Your DD had a good friend with whom she was very happy. She apparently is shy and has trouble making friends so you think the best course of action is to deliberately separate her from the good friend she already has?!!!

Agentornika · 10/09/2018 11:31

Your DD had a great friend and you f*cked it up OP!

Sallycinnamum · 10/09/2018 11:31

If your DD struggles with friendship why o earth did you separate her from the one close friend she had?

FFS OP take in what people are saying to you on here.

sharpstick · 10/09/2018 11:32

I can’t get my head around why you didn’t just arrange play dates with additional children and introduce/encourage other friendships alongside your dds ex friend whilst still at nursery. It’s a bizarre and frankly extreme thing to do to change days.

I completely understand, as a parent who has been there, how hard it is to watch your child in a suffocating friendship. The correct thing to do however, would have been to quietly have a chat to the nursery staff and see if they could encourage some new relationships alongside you setting up some new play dates.

If there was no falling out, I think it was unfair of you to completely split the little girls. Once school started it is highly likely they wouldn’t have stayed quite so close anyway.

I think this mum felt deeply hurt at the way you acted, and has purely made some new friends. My guess is, that if you are polite and friendly to everyone, this will soon blow over, it is very early in your childrens’ school years, and ime, the parental friendships are far more intense in the early years.

Going to the head would be a big mistake. You will become immediately known as a potential pita with the teachers, and you will escalate any playground animosity which is already there. Sit tight and wait it out, there must be other parents you can chat to, I’m sure not everyone ALL stands in s group as one??

Original poster
JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 11:33

I think it's me that's banging my head up against the wall here to be honest. My answers are becoming twisted and skewed so I'm out thanks very much for making me feel even more shit than I already do

OP posts:
sharpstick · 10/09/2018 11:34

And for what it’s worth, I doubt very much that your dd has been kind about excluding her ex friend, no matter what she tells you! Children will often act very differently in their friendship groups. Maybe encourage a little more kindness and inclusion with her and more invites may follow

pyramidbutterflyfish · 10/09/2018 11:34

You want the head to call the other mums in and tell them to be nice to you!? PLEASE do this Grin

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 10/09/2018 11:34

thanks very much for making me feel even more shit than I already do

I’m going to save my sympathy for a 5 year old who’s been bullied, and another 5 year old who will find herself less and less popular with other kids as time goes on.

Storm4star · 10/09/2018 11:34

Another example of AIBU? Yes you are. No I'm not!
OP you are not taking on board anything that's been said here. Unless you can stop and really think, you and your DD will be friendless for a long time to come.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/09/2018 11:34

Incidentally are you still friends with the other mum? Why did she move her DD?