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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bullied?

358 replies

JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 10:32

Name changed in case the mums are on here, long back story so bare with me.

When my DD was at nursery she was inseparable from another girl. As a result of this I became very good friends with the girls mother. We used to meet each other socially and text each other virtually everyday. As they were approaching reception age I felt that my DD shouldn't be so reliant on this girl so I asked the nursery to change their days so they weren't together. I told the mum it was due to my work so as not to hurt her feelings. My DD then became friends with a girl who was also friends with my friends DD.

The problem came when the girls all started school as my DD then didn't want to play with my friends DD. My friends DD had some tantrums at school because my DD asked her not to play with her and their mutual friend. My friend then approached me to say her DD had come home from school upset and asked what was going on. I let slip about separating them at nursery and she went mad, accusing me of lying (OTT) and since then we haven't spoken.

I then became really good friends with the mum of the mutual friend to the girls. We started going for coffee and meeting at the school gates. My ex friend then started getting upset accusing us of talking about her and to be honest it ruined my DD's first year at school.

They are now in their second year and the mum of the mutual friend decided to move her DD to another school. My ex friend is what I call a PTA mum. She's involved with everything to do with the school and she's all up the other mum's asses, talking to them at the gates etc.

I now find myself stood alone at the gates because I can't join in conversations with the other mum's as she is there. My DD doesn't have many friends and I've tried inviting children back for tea but never get an invite back.

AIBU to speak to the head that I feel bullied and excluded?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 10:50

Your daughter doesn't sound timid and shy asking the little girl not to play with them. Repeatedly it seems. I doubt she would have done this to her good friend if it wasn't on instruction from you.

And you could easily have explained your concerns to your friend, but I doubt they were real, more you wanted to do something mean and find new friends of your own, and you also tried to exclude your friend and it's now bitten you in the arse.

The head can't force the parents to be your mate. Grow up.

TeaStory · 10/09/2018 10:50

This has GOT to be a reverse.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 10/09/2018 10:51

Maybe you should move schools so you can both start over. Hopefully your daughter will learn how it feels to be left out, and be nicer to her friends.

itswinetime · 10/09/2018 10:51

So I call reverse when the op is completely blind to the other side of the story it's always a reverse!

Gottagetmoving · 10/09/2018 10:52

AIBU to speak to the head that I feel bullied and excluded?

Yeah,...cos head teachers don't have enough to do?
You are an adult. You created the situation and its backfired on you. Either apologise to your ex friend or suck it up.

transkatie33 · 10/09/2018 10:53

Just tell her you're sorry for being a cunt

YouAlwaysTry · 10/09/2018 10:53

My friends DD had some tantrums at school because my DD asked her not to play with her and their mutual friend

Why couldn't they all play together?

You said you didn't want your dd too reliant on friend 1 but it's fine to be reliant on new friend?

Now new friend has left and you are now feeling bullied?

You sound like a shit friend.

Rumplestiltskinswife · 10/09/2018 10:54

Transkatie 😂

Howhot · 10/09/2018 10:54

You've brought this entirely on yourself. So it's cool for your DD to turn people away but not for others to turn away from you? I think you need to apologise

Ski4130 · 10/09/2018 10:55

You kind of set yourself up for a fall - and you should have told your daughter that it's not ok to exclude someone by the way, that was really unkind.

PoisonousSmurf · 10/09/2018 10:55

Karma! Grin

Original poster
JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 10:57

Regarding the head, she did say in the induction that we had any problems she would always be there to listen. Of course I wouldn't put it over as being about me but IS effecting my DD. I've tried inviting friends over etc and they've come but she doesn't get an invite back which upsets her.

This is my first and only child, I'm new to this and just feel overwhelmed

OP posts:
Fatted · 10/09/2018 10:57

In reality she is doing to you what you've done with your daughter and hers.

Frankly the lot of you all sound ridiculously childish. I don't speak to the other parents much at drop off and pick up. The kids are friends, not the parents.

transkatie33 · 10/09/2018 10:59

Probably easier just to move school and start again Cake

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 10:59

The head did not mean talk to her about problems if the other parents don't deal with you. You're an adult. The head meant problems for your kid.

And how do you explain to the head what you did to this parent and child. It's horrible.

You did this to your daughter. No one else.

Doyoumind · 10/09/2018 11:00

If this is for real the situation is entirely of your making. You were manipulative and unkind over the nursery thing. You should have pulled your daughter up on her excluding the other girl at school. I'm afraid that behaviour was nasty and bullying. If your previous friend is nice and capable of making friends with other mums and they don't particularly like you I don't think it's her fault really. Have a long hard look at yourself. You don't like being on the receiving end of behaviour you dish out to other people. I actually doubt you are being excluded. You are excluding yourself as you don't feel comfortable knowing what you've created.

Original poster
JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 11:00

I let it slip because my ex friend was trying to blame my DD so I said that I had tried to stop this from happening and she kept pressing as to what I meant. I didn't lie to her, she asked why j changed the days and I said for work reasons which was partly true because then had to change the days I worked.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 10/09/2018 11:00

Tbh OP I think you've made your bed here but that doesn't mean you can't fix it.

Why not approach your old friend and apologise about the way you handled things? You can say you hadn't meant to exclude anybody and were just concerned your daughter was becoming too possessive and focused on her one friend, and you wanted her to branch out before starting school.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/09/2018 11:01

Sadly it's your own doing that you're now feeling excluded OP and this is also impacting on your DD. But you can't see that so we're all pissing in the wind here.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 10/09/2018 11:01

I've tried inviting friends over etc and they've come but she doesn't get an invite back which upsets her

Because you have encouraged her to be unpleasant to other children. I am not going to say she is a bully as she is only tiny but you must see that repeatedly telling another child she can’t play with them is massively unpleasant. If she is as timid and shy as you say then that didn’t come from her.

What is stopping you sitting down with the friend’s mum and saying that you thought you were doing the right thing but you now see you weren’t and you are sorry that her DD was hurt. Then give it some time and all will blow over.

Whatever the head said in indication, he/she is not there to intervene in this stuff.

Racecardriver · 10/09/2018 11:01

Yeah. So you are the one being unreasonable. First you became really close friends with mum 1. Then you decided that your dd spent too much time with her dd so changed days. Fair enough. Then you became friends with mum 2. Still all good. Then you let your dd bully mum 1's dd (your dd is too young to be able to understand what she did and why it is wrong firstly not to include other children and secondly to tell your friends who they can or cannot play with). So your dropped mum 1 as a friend. I am just waiting to see how long it takes for you to do the same to mum 2.

You actually remind me of a girl I knew as a child. She could only ever have one friend at a time and that friend wasn't allowed to he friends with anyone else. The friendships (I was one of them) were always super intense but she often moved on fairly quickly. As she got older it turned into having multiple friendships but only being able to play with one person at a time and they were only allowed to play with her. You seem to be encouraging your DD into a similar type of behaviour.

cameltoeflappyflapflap · 10/09/2018 11:01

I don't think they're excluding you by not returning play dates. They maybe just don't want to have them.

What you should done was encourage your daughter to play with other children aswell as this girl so encourage lots of friends, not exclude the little girl.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 10/09/2018 11:02

Taking you at face value if this is not a reverse (still have doubts) you need to take it as a lesson learned. You behaved badly trying to separate DD from her friend. There was no need to do that and it was totally inevitable that your friend and her DD were going to be upset by it. I would probably apologise to your ex friend - explain why you acted as you did but accept that it was wrong. In terms of your friendships at the school gate you'll just have to suck it up for the time being. You could try and build bridges slowly over time. In terms of your DD at least she's getting playdates - not everyone reciprocates anyway - try to reassure her that it's normal. Please don't involve yourself in your DD's friendships so much in the future. Unless there's a real problem let the kids make friends with whoever they like without your input.

ErictheGuineaPig · 10/09/2018 11:02

The lack of invites back could be unrelated though. I'm always inviting kids over but don't get a lot of invites back in all honesty. Could be people working or it could be that they just don't like having kids over. It is pretty cliquey where I live, people tend to invite their friends kids over but there really isn't a lot you can do about that. As long as your DD has friends who will come over and friends to play with in school, you just have to not overthink the rest.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/09/2018 11:02

Stop changing your story fgs.

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