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Original poster

Do I try to go to this wedding or leave it

141 replies

NeedingAdvicePlease · 09/09/2018 22:05

Unfortunately it is a wedding one. Partner and I have been invited to a wedding in Indonesia, we were invited ages ago but dates have only been confirmed in the last few months.

When we were invited we were happy to accept and planned to visit a few other places while we were over there. My partner is one of two best men and it is his friends wedding. In the last few months my circumstances have changed and I’m hoping to go back to study at uni this month.

So I don’t know what to do anymore, the wedding is this December. Do we try to go, should my partner go alone or do we leave it? I’m so torn part of me feels so guilty, while the other part is angry and wondering what the couple expected having a wedding so far away. We are based in the UK and they have no ties to the country they are getting married in.

The wedding is a two week affair with activities planned everyday, we can technically afford it but again there is anger, as we would not spend this much money on ourselves. What would you do in this situation?

Would it be okay to drop out, I feel so much guilt ever considering it and feel like going just to keep them happy.

OP posts:
JagerPlease · 09/09/2018 22:11

What does your partner want to do? Not unreasonable for you to not go (although if DP is best man and has previously said he would, maybe he would be a little unreasonable himself)

Ethylred · 09/09/2018 22:20

It's a wedding. Real life (yours in this case) takes precedence.

Fraying · 09/09/2018 22:25

I don't understand why you're angry. They didn't organise it to spite you. If I wanted to spend 2 weeks in Asia then I'd go. It should be easy enough to cover the missed coursework.

GeezAJammyPeece · 09/09/2018 22:34

It should be easy enough to cover the missed coursework. Hmm Of course, depending on what course you are studying, there's also the issue of exams.
Unis here have exams at the end of each of two semesters. For example, studying at Edinburgh and missing the December 2018 ones would mean sitting them in August 2019 along with those who failed first time round and are resitting. The knock on effect being that it would then be into September before you knew if you had passed and were able to progress to the next year.
All for the sake of a holiday.

Original poster
NeedingAdvicePlease · 09/09/2018 22:58

It is going to be couples and my partner doesn’t really know anyone except for the ones getting married. He feels like he should go but doesn’t really want to go alone.

I’m not sure how much work I would miss, it’s a masters course and people who I have asked have said it is quite intense.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 09/09/2018 23:00

I really don’t see why you are so angry.

Singlenotsingle · 09/09/2018 23:01

The happy couple are being U in expecting people to travel all that way, spend all that time and spend loads of money on their wedding. I would not have any hesitation in saying no sorry, not possible.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 09/09/2018 23:03

How close are the friends? And is it something you could chat over with them? Would they be totally gutted if your DH wasn't able to be best man any more?

PlainVanilla · 09/09/2018 23:04

Neither of you should go.
Firstly, you won't be missed.
Secondly, it is completely unreasonable to expect people to travel half way across the world for what is basically a 30 minute contract signing.
Most of these business things actually happen by video anyway!
And before anyone accuses me of being unsentimental, just think of the distance and expense.

And why does Mumsnet insist on American spelling???

garethsouthgatesmrs · 09/09/2018 23:05

I think it's unreasonable to expect you to give up a fortnight just for their wedding celebrations. Are there parts that he could miss? If you could just go for a short visit perhaps that's more manageable.

Assuming you knew roughly when it would be when he committed to being best man I think he would be unreasonable to pull out. You can though.

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2018 23:07

The Bride and groom are massively unreasonable expecting people to fly so far for 2 fucking weeks just before Christmas. No way would i go.

alphajuliet123 · 09/09/2018 23:11

Why don't you compromise and just spent a few days with the wedding party and then go off elsewhere? If it's Bali, you can get to Nusa Dua or the Gili islands really easily. You can travel round pretty cheaply and visit places like Ubud or the mountains or coastal resorts. You could even get a cheap flight and head to Singapore or Malaysia before returning home.

keyboardkate · 09/09/2018 23:26

OMG. Indonesia! For a wedding.....

Well OP you know you absolutely HAVE to go, buy the gear, pay for everything and enjoy it all. But I don't think you really WANT to go at all.

I would not go personally. But I would have said it from the start. Sorry for being so blunt.

LeftRightCentre · 09/09/2018 23:29

Both of you drop out now. You were both on glue to have agreed to this. For real? Two weeks of wedding? What a load of silly self-indulgent nonsense. 'Sorry, circumstances have changed, we won't be able to make it anymore.'

Original poster
NeedingAdvicePlease · 09/09/2018 23:30

I guess I’m a bit angry at being in this situation, I don’t want to let anyone down but then I get angry at myself and think I should say no and put myself first.

Unfortunately it is not even in a good location, island in the middle of nowhere that you have to get a local fishing boat to. From what I’ve been told, some untouched natural beauty.

The way it is organised has the stag do on the first night with the wedding on the second last day. We have debated my partner going for less time but the stag do is important for the best man to be there for.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 09/09/2018 23:32

People choosing to do expensive distant destination weddings have to be prepared than the majority of invitees may not attend. If your priority is having your friends and family around you, then you organise something they can more easily get to.

Gersemi · 09/09/2018 23:34

If you were happy to accept the invitation originally, why are you angry now? Normally I tend to the view that destination weddings are ridiculous, but it appears that you are only angry because your circumstances have changed, which is hardly the B and G's fault.

Duck90 · 09/09/2018 23:34

if The stag do has been arranged for the first night of the 2 weeks, it sound like the event has been created to make sure guests attend for the whole 2 weeks. I would not appreciate that.

IdahoJones · 09/09/2018 23:34

I wouldn't go. You feel angry because you feel a bit guilted. Don't be - dates should have been confirmed a long time ago.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 09/09/2018 23:34

Unless either you or your partner really want to go, I think you should be honest and say that your situation has changed and you are no longer able to attend.

Rebecca36 · 09/09/2018 23:36

I don't get the anger. It's not their fault your circumstances have changed and you were happy enough to go before that happened.

Could you not go out for just a bit of it, the main bit, to be with your partner? I understand him not wanting to be there alone but if you made an effort to join him for some of it, he'd probably settle for that. He certainly needs to go if he had already agreed and is a best man.

Nothing to be cross about though, it's your dilemma not the bride and grooms.

LeftRightCentre · 09/09/2018 23:36

FFS, just drop out now! Fuck 'letting them down', you were unreasonable to ever agree to such a ridiculous thing in the first place. Own up to your error and just back out now. Who expects people to stump up thousands and two weeks of their time so close to Christmas for their fucking wedding?

PollyFlinderz · 09/09/2018 23:39

Op, don’t go to the wedding. Put your head down and get on with your Masters. Its. what will stand you in good stead in the future.

Your partner will just have to go to the wedding alone.

Seeingadistance · 09/09/2018 23:41

I agree with LeftRightCentre.

My thoughts are that I just can't believe the audacity of people who have these ridiculously expensive and time-consuming weddings and actually expect others to give of their time and money for them!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 09/09/2018 23:43

The truth is If a best man drops out of a wedding because his girlfriend cant go a few months before having committed himself to it he will most likely lose his friend.

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