Do I try to go to this wedding or leave it

[NeedingAdvicePlease]

Unfortunately it is a wedding one. Partner and I have been invited to a wedding in Indonesia, we were invited ages ago but dates have only been confirmed in the last few months.

When we were invited we were happy to accept and planned to visit a few other places while we were over there. My partner is one of two best men and it is his friends wedding. In the last few months my circumstances have changed and I’m hoping to go back to study at uni this month.

So I don’t know what to do anymore, the wedding is this December. Do we try to go, should my partner go alone or do we leave it? I’m so torn part of me feels so guilty, while the other part is angry and wondering what the couple expected having a wedding so far away. We are based in the UK and they have no ties to the country they are getting married in.

The wedding is a two week affair with activities planned everyday, we can technically afford it but again there is anger, as we would not spend this much money on ourselves. What would you do in this situation?

Would it be okay to drop out, I feel so much guilt ever considering it and feel like going just to keep them happy.

Some people are saying that the OP is being unreasonable as they've already committed to going and her DP has committed to being best man.

The thing is though with these expensive, far-flung two week long (wtaf!) weddings that a change in circumstances, even a minor change, has a massive impact. If the wedding were in the UK, the fact that the OP will be a student by December would make little to no difference to her and her DP going to the wedding. Even the most minor change in the circumstances of the guests has the potential to make this wedding an impossibility.

The couple should understand and respect that.

I don’t feel as if we could talk this through with the couple. They are very annoyed at other people dropping out and I do worry this would ruin the friendship.

The masters was only decided in the last 2 weeks, I didn’t do as well in my degree as I hoped, due to surgery, so this was a sudden change.

I don’t know if it counts but we never technically agreed to the set date. We were invited to Asia for a wedding in December, which we agreed to, over 3 years ago.

Since the official dates came out, we haven’t said that we are able to attend. Also there was no invitations to RSVP to.

I went to a Christmas wedding in Bali and it was one of our best holiday.
The most expensive thing was the flight, but once there, we stayed in a nice, clean, friendly cheap $25/night hotel with pineapple pancakes every morning for breakfast. Some of our friends decided to go to resort, we didn't. Eating our costed nothing, it was nice and fun and the water was just beautiful. Nice and warm.

If it is a remote island, chances are everything will be very cheap. Enjoy the tropics, the amazing beaches, the palm trees.
In December, the Uni will be closed.

You seem very bitter about this wedding. Don't drag the decision. Either you decide to go and enjoy it or just say, sorry the purchase of the house was a hard hit on our finances. We would have loved to come, but can't . And done.

He should go alone but maybe not stay for the whole thing if he is that uncomfortable without you. You focus on your studies I think.

You originally said Yes, so the hosts would have assumed that you were in the category of people who were a) wealthy enough and b) enthusiastic enough to attend. People who are wealthy and have equally wealthy friends/family can nd do invite those friends to their wedding, and they are at liberty to be as ludicrously extravagant as they want. You said you initially planned to make it part of a holiday.

The fact that your circumstances have changed and you now can't afford it: fair enough, don't go. But YABU to be angry with the couple, who planned an event they thought their friends could afford. It's not their fault you now can't afford it.

I got married abroad (not really out of choice) and I totally understood that it meant lots of people couldn't come.

I certainly wouldn't expect people go to as far as Indonesia for two weeks. I'd have felt like a complete cheeky fucker to insist anyone traveled that far for that long.

In three years lots will change and it's perfectly reasonable to assume people might change their minds in that time. No one can put their lives on hold for that long.

They are wired to the moon!

You, and the others who've already dropped out, are being sensible.

To be honest, I'd consider the loss of friendship with such entitled people to be a blessing.

Depending on what course you’re doing, you may not be allowed to take two weeks off. I would have been thrown off my health related course for missing that much time.

I wouldn’t go. It is just a group holiday really, if they weren’t getting married would you want to go on holiday with them? It may suit some people, but two weeks of organised fun would be enough to make me gouge my own eyes out.

I think it’s unreasonable for the couple to expect guests to keep their word 3 years prior to attend a destination wedding (in Asia of all places. It’s not quite the hop skip and jump to the south of France).
3 years is a long time. You could be pregnant by now. People start families and can have more than one child in the space of 3 years. People live their lives and take on commitments. No wonder guests are dropping out.

Having said that, best man duties are involved, babies and children aren’t a factor right now and you agreed 3 years ago. So either both go or just DP go. Any feelings you have about it, I would accept them in order to move on.

Depending on the exact location of this island, there are still some aftershocks being felt from the big earthquake in august.

Gili isles and parts of Lombok are still a disaster zone from what I’ve read... I was in Bali for the big earthquake and it was bloody awfu, even there, aftershocks keeping us awake all night etc. Although I agree the local population do need tourist money. it wouldn’t put me off staying in Bali now but if you were nervouss about earthquakes, don’t go on that count. There have been 4 ‘felt’ quakes in the last 3days ranking from 3.1 to 5.0 which Are significant (lastquake.com)

Bali is lovely but too far from U.K. and to go for two weeks for someone’s wedding Is crazy. If they are annoyed already at people dropping out they need to look at themselves and their choices in this and ask why this is happening. 🤔
Don’t go.

Three YEARS? You were invited THREE YEARS ago ? But they only actually let you know when you were to dance attendance a couple of months ago? Sheesh.

Actually, I absolutely get why you're angry. I would be too. They are showing such disrespect to you (and all their invitees), expecting your time and money to be theirs to command. They're telling you that you are so much less important than them. This is what a lot of destination weddings are all about. They want everyone to centre them, but they're not going to pay for it, no, their guests must save them the expense of their dream wedding by meekly paying for it all themselves. Of course you're angry.

They want to dictate when you take two weeks holiday, where you're going to spend that holiday, what you're going to do on that holiday (all those 'planned activities' plus no alternatives as you're in the arse-end of nowhere), and how much you're going to spend on it. As your life is now, THREE YEARS after nodding along to it, you don't want to be on holiday THEN as you have other far more important demands on your time. You don't want to be told what you're going to do every day by They Who Must Be Obeyed, and I know I would have far better uses for the money you're being asked to spend on this. No, not asked - told. Told to spend your money on their wishes.

They really are a selfish pair, aren't they? Stag night on day 1, wedding ceremony second last day, and you just know that every day in-between doing all these 'planned activities' you and the rest of the wedding party will be expected to dance attendance on the happy couple as they swan about basking in the adoration (as if!) of their retinue. Because that's all you'll be, walk-on extras to the film of their lives.

"They are very annoyed at other people dropping out and I do worry this would ruin the friendship."
So others have had the gumption to not knuckle under? Good. You doing so too should therefore come as no surprise. As for ruining the friendship, that will definitely happen if you do go. You will feel resentful at the waste of your time and money, both of which could be better spent on things that matter more than stroking the egos of two rather selfish individuals. I honestly think the only chance this friendship has of surviving is if you don't go.

Your partner is not THE best man, he is one of two. So they'll manage if only one best man tugs his forelock and scurries off to this godforsaken island with them. And if the couple are the only ones he really knows, it sounds like it would be a miserable 'holiday' for you both.

Just knock it on the head, and don't go.

@garethsouthgatesmrs

“The truth is If a best man drops out of a wedding because his girlfriend cant go a few months before having committed himself to it he will most likely lose his friend.”

Had to laugh at this utter bollocks!!

At the end of the day, if people organise a “look at me” wedding with more regard to the location and status/prestige than actually having people they actually care about there they can’t twine when people drop out. Would I fuck being going even if it was my best mate, if they don’t u derstand they aren’t proper friends in the first place

I had a destination wedding in December, no one expects the people they invite to go. It's great if you can, but it's understandable if you can't. Just call and explain that you can't go, and maybe send them a card.

Why are you angry? They are perfectly within their rights to have the wedding they want and you are perfectly within your rights to say you can't make it.
^this^

A couple of questions/points.

• Does the couple live in Indonesia? (Or nearby?) if so, nothing unreasonable in them holding the wedding there. Or observing what I presume are traditional practices in the two wee run up.
• presumably the couple only ‘expect’ OP and DP’s attendance because DP had previously said he would be there.

You obviously don’t want to go, OP, which is fair enough. DP then needs to decide if he’s going. But if you’re not, you need to let the couple know ASAP. Keeping them hanging on because your circumstances have (quite legitimately) changed, isnt really fair and may do more damage to the friendship than the act of not going. If you’re DP is best man, it’s not fair to keep them hanging on.

The only thing I have to offer is that 40 odd years ago I missed the wedding of a good friend because " MY real life " could not or / decision made to not accommodate it . She was disappointed but perfectly understanding at the time. I have regretted it since.She is still my friend and it is a memory that should have been shared.

Don't go, it's absurd to be held to a vague plan 3 years ago and yes the friendship will survive. Its important that you don't put your MA at risk just for a holiday.

It is rather telling that people are dropping out. Can't someone tell the couple that having the stag night at the beginning of a 2 week holiday is like holding people to ransome?

Given that the initial discussion was 3 years ago the couple will have to understand that circumstances will have changed for many of their guests.

Personally I don't understand why couples put destinations before people.

You won’t be the only ones to drop out by a long way. These things usually start with 50 people saying oooh sounds lovely, and 8 people actually having the time money and circumstances to follow through.

There’s no need to be angry - you either go or you don’t.

The issue seems to be that you have already said yes and now need to pull out - not the most sensible thing to do without knowing the final arrangements.

Sounds nuts to me. I’d drop out of the wedding rather than miss studies. Your DP needs to decide for himself.

Two weeks in a hotel and you have to pay. Yanbu. Bride and groom are being vvv unreasonable to expect this. Two weeks! Go if you can afford the time, money etc. Dont if you cant. Most people cant.

Unless you have a burning desire to see the country, happy in the company of strangets and have shed loads of money I wouldn't go. 2 weeks in forced company sounds like my idea of hell.

Are the happy couple usually narcissistic twats? They have 2 best men, one less won't kill them.

If in december i doubt many people will go due to xmas and prepations before hand.