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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I try to go to this wedding or leave it

141 replies

NeedingAdvicePlease · 09/09/2018 22:05

Unfortunately it is a wedding one. Partner and I have been invited to a wedding in Indonesia, we were invited ages ago but dates have only been confirmed in the last few months.

When we were invited we were happy to accept and planned to visit a few other places while we were over there. My partner is one of two best men and it is his friends wedding. In the last few months my circumstances have changed and I’m hoping to go back to study at uni this month.

So I don’t know what to do anymore, the wedding is this December. Do we try to go, should my partner go alone or do we leave it? I’m so torn part of me feels so guilty, while the other part is angry and wondering what the couple expected having a wedding so far away. We are based in the UK and they have no ties to the country they are getting married in.

The wedding is a two week affair with activities planned everyday, we can technically afford it but again there is anger, as we would not spend this much money on ourselves. What would you do in this situation?

Would it be okay to drop out, I feel so much guilt ever considering it and feel like going just to keep them happy.

OP posts:
adoggymama · 10/09/2018 08:40

No idea why anyone would pay to go to a wedding for 2 weeks!Grin leave it and save the money to go with your partner on holiday in a uni holiday.

Also bad of them to not provide dates earlier as flights would have been 100x cheaper.

OutPinked · 10/09/2018 08:42

Many unis have exams in December. If he wants to go, I would let him go by himself.

adoggymama · 10/09/2018 08:43

Just read about the stag do being on the 2 weeks, it'll probably be loads of foreign working girls as they're cheap in other countries. Not the kind of stag I'd want my boyfriend going on..

SleepingStandingUp · 10/09/2018 08:45

You're angry at them having a wedding that isn't convenient for you.
You were fine before you started your study, had planned other things to do etc so we're presumably happy to go so it's unfair you're now angry at them for their timing. Realistically it was always going to fall during term time if it's for two weeks.

I'd say don't go because if you can't be happy to be there then yoi shouldn't go. Explain that you don't want to have to try to catch up with uni and let husband make his own decision. I'd encourage him to go alone. It might be all couples but it's not an orgy, he can hang out with different people, his mates, the lads egc

serbska · 10/09/2018 08:45

I don’t see why you’re angry, you were happy to go until your circumstances changed.

I think you should stay and crack on with your masters.

DO should go as it’s his best friend and he is best man.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 10/09/2018 08:45

If I was going to Indonesia for 2 weeks I'd want to plan my own trip, not for 2 weeks of wedding celebrations. You don't need to feel bad not going, they are not making it easy for their guests.....

inquiquotiokixul · 10/09/2018 08:46

Also bad of them to not provide dates earlier as flights would have been 100x cheaper.

Absolutely agree with this. Barely 3 months notice of dates is completely unreasonable for something like this. Specific dates and clarity on what costs attendees will be expected to cover should be available at ideally a year in advance or 10 months absolute minimum. You will get a lot less value for money for everything at last-minute prices.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/09/2018 08:48

OP, I think you're angry at yourself for not realising the implications and just getting carried along three years ago when you agreed.

It's a long enough timespan for it now not to be possible for you to attend so just say so. Your partner can either go or not go, it doesn't affect you.

Being angry at the location of the wedding isn't reasonable. The location hasn't moved, Indonesia is still where it was - you could have said way back when they asked, that you wouldn't be able to make it.

You can get out of this, you don't need your lecturer to make excuses for you, you're an adult. Just say, "Sorry, I can't attend, hope you have a wonderful wedding".

TheDogAteMyPants · 10/09/2018 08:52

I see why your angry. It’s a very selfish wedding to have.
Selfish wedding, really? Aren’t the couple getting married entitled to have the wedding they want? Just as the OP is entitled to choose not to go?
We don’t even know if this couple are having a ‘destination wedding’ or if they actually live there.

LoniceraJaponica · 10/09/2018 08:59

"We don’t even know if this couple are having a ‘destination wedding’ or if they actually live there."

This is in the OP:
We are based in the UK and they have no ties to the country they are getting married in
So, no they don't live there.

I would be very surprised if many people would be prepared to be hostage to this couple for a fortnight.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 10/09/2018 08:59

‘We regret we are unable to attend. Our circumstances have changed significantly in 3 years. I hope you have a great time, we look forward to hearing about it & seeing your photos when you get back’

TheDogAteMyPants · 10/09/2018 09:00

Apologies, I misread that.
They’re still not selfish for wanting to get married there though!

LoniceraJaponica · 10/09/2018 09:01

No they aren't, but they are being unrealistic to expect their guests to go and spend two weeks with them at great expense, and selfish if they throw a strop about people not wanting to go.

SalemBlackCat · 10/09/2018 09:07

"Selfish wedding, really? Aren’t the couple getting married entitled to have the wedding they want?"
Sure they are, but they are not entitled to be then be angry that people cannot afford to travel overseas for a two week wedding. They are entitled to have the wedding they want, but not entitled to get upset that people therefore cannot attend.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 10/09/2018 09:13

You have a lot of emotion invested in this... anger, guilt, fear, obligation.

It doesn't sound like you want to go. Maybe three years ago an adventure in South East Asia was what you wanted but clearly at this moment in time... it is not.

You might well loose friends over it but unless you are super excited about the thought of going on the holiday of a lifetime that you have dreamed of for the past three years, then weigh it up and cut your losses.

If your partner is keen and happy to go on his own, then send him off with your best wishes and enjoy two weeks to knuckle down and get some work done. If he is not... then he too should weigh it up and make a choice.

TheDogAteMyPants · 10/09/2018 09:13

The OP is the one who says she’s angry though?

Nikephorus · 10/09/2018 09:20

They are very annoyed at other people dropping out and I do worry this would ruin the friendship.
This makes them sound quite entitled. If your wedding is in this country and people start dropping out when you've set the date then you might be a bit peeved, but when it's taken you 3 years to set the date and it's in Indonesia for 2 weeks..... And there's a spare best man so if OH doesn''t go the groom will still have someone. I'd cancel & spend the money on your own wedding.

GlendaMedeiros · 10/09/2018 09:22

I've travelled to Indonesia many times, it's a stunning place to go and normally I would jump at any excuse to return.

You haven't said where in Indonesia there wedding is, and it's a huge a diverse country. However, given a free choice I personally wouldn't opt to go to Bali in December. Monsoon season will be under way.

Also, I would want to study FCO travel guidelines if the wedding was in the Bali/Lombok region due to the devastating earthquakes which were recently on Lombok.

Also, you'd need water tight travel insurance that protects against natural disaster. Mt Agung on Bali has had a few mini eruptions in recent months. If it were to properly erupt, you would want insurance that would cover you in the event of airport closures due to ash clouds for weeks on end.

I hate being so negative about a country I love so much, but I wouldn't be looking to take my family there at the present time.

Womaningreen · 10/09/2018 09:22

it sounds like you've only just realised what a cheeky request it was in the first place, hence the anger.

I would say both of you don't go if you don't want to. Circumstances change. This "best man" business isn't half as important as turning up at the hospital at 4am when your mate has appendicitis.

they are clearly having a big show wedding, they just need to swap out one of the players.

Travis1 · 10/09/2018 09:24

2 weeks holiday for a wedding? No! And how could they expect people to plan to be there if they only told dates and costs a few months beforehand? I'd drop out. Was it always clear it would be a 2 week affair? That's actually my idea of hell having my annual leave all planned for me.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 10/09/2018 09:25

OP, how long have you known the exact dates?

If it's not very long, can't you lie and say you've got another commitment at the same time, such as a family wedding you said you'd go to before they told you when the dates of theirs would be?

If they've been planning this for three years I don't understand why they've only recently set the exact date, only a few months in advance.

SassitudeandSparkle · 10/09/2018 09:25

I'm getting the impression that the OP never wanted to go, but agreed and is now using her new course as an excuse.

I don't blame you for not wanting to use two weeks holiday and all the money that the trip would cost (I wouldn't do it either) but you should have made that clear at the start. No point in being angry with yourself now.

Jaxhog · 10/09/2018 09:27

That you posted the questions, tells me that you don't really want to go. A lot can change in 3 years, as it has. I'd just say politely that you can't now go. But do it now, so they can find another BM.

Personally, I think holding a wedding in a far flung place like this, and then expecting friends and family to pay a lot of money to fly thousands of miles to celebrate your wedding is the height of selfishness. Have a honeymoon there by all means, but a big wedding? No.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 10/09/2018 09:28

Also, if they are angry with people and losing friends over people dropping out, maybe they're not really worth being friends with anyway. They are very demanding and entitled. I am getting married abroad, but it's where I live, it's not far, and almost everyone is coming. But a friend of mine told me the other day that she and her husband can't make it work, and that's fine.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 10/09/2018 09:28

You've nothing to be angry about.
You quite fancied a trip to Indonesia and were making plans for a holiday around their wedding
But subsequently decided to go back to study, so you can't be in two places at once
You were up for it, but now you are not
Just say no. Financial circs and other commitments mean you can't. DH is only joint best man. He could fly out for 1 week for the main bit. Couple may well be gutted though as they have planned a holiday with a wedding in it around you being with them.

Communication in both directions seems to have been somewhat lacking.