Do I try to go to this wedding or leave it

[NeedingAdvicePlease]

Unfortunately it is a wedding one. Partner and I have been invited to a wedding in Indonesia, we were invited ages ago but dates have only been confirmed in the last few months.

When we were invited we were happy to accept and planned to visit a few other places while we were over there. My partner is one of two best men and it is his friends wedding. In the last few months my circumstances have changed and I’m hoping to go back to study at uni this month.

So I don’t know what to do anymore, the wedding is this December. Do we try to go, should my partner go alone or do we leave it? I’m so torn part of me feels so guilty, while the other part is angry and wondering what the couple expected having a wedding so far away. We are based in the UK and they have no ties to the country they are getting married in.

The wedding is a two week affair with activities planned everyday, we can technically afford it but again there is anger, as we would not spend this much money on ourselves. What would you do in this situation?

Would it be okay to drop out, I feel so much guilt ever considering it and feel like going just to keep them happy.

Oh and when you plan your own wedding.. consult the Mumsnet Guide to Weddings:

Budget for the wedding you can afford
Schedule weddings only at weekends
Invite partners and children even if you have never met them
Pay for the food and some drinks, do not ask for contributions
Choose a conveniently located venue
Do not require your guests to attend for days on end
Be flexible to your brides maids / best men and if you want them to wear something of your choosing, you should pay for it.
Expect that a few people will drop out at the last minute.. accept this in good grace as a part of the overall cost of the wedding, you would have paid for the meal if they turned up so it's no additional cost.
Do not ask for money / honeymoon contributions, the MN jury is out on wedding lists but I think these are acceptable, but do remember that your wedding eats into their annual budget for holidays, special occasion clothing etc. so it already costs them to attend.

Enjoy the planning and the day but remember, the guests are there to help you celebrate, you are not really doing them a great big favour by inviting them but hopefully everyone will have a good time.

Oh and have a word with your bridesmaid and best men... reasonably priced hen / stag dos too please!!

I wouldn't go. Your DP can make his own decision. You should put your studies first. Two weeks is a huge amount to have to catch up, add in the cost and it makes it prohibitive.

Your friends are about to find out why most people don't book 2 week long weddings on the other side of the world.

Pre kids, I would have definitely gone - it sounds like it could be an amazing holiday!

But you don’t have to go for two weeks, regardless of when the stag do is, as long as you’re there for the wedding that’s all that matters. Could that be a compromise? Just a week?

If not then don’t go. The problem with the destination weddings is that some people can’t go for various reasons and the couple should be prepared for that.

"they are clearly having a big show wedding"

It sounds like it will be a small show wedding.

Lonicera, yes, lol, I thought of that when I typed it.

but it's a show of sorts - no objection to that, but do object to them having hissy fits when people are pulling out of their PITA wedding.

I only got as far as Indonesia and 2 weeks before deciding YANBU.

Don't miss 2 weeks of your masters. That's a huge chunk of the course.

Also, see this depending on what areas you would be visiting:
www.theguardian.com/world/2018/sep/05/indonesian-province-bans-men-and-women-from-dining-together-islamic-aceh

Isn't it the wet season in December?

So you were happy to go, but now your circumstances have changed you’re annoyed that you’ve been invited?!?

Just don’t go. Simple. Anyone getting married abroad will not be expecting 100% attendance.

No way! Just don't go and there's absolutely no need to feel guilty about declining. Just give the reasons that you have here.

The flights will be very expensive now, why did they leave so long to fix a date? They have clearly had this destination in mind for 3 years!

You really need to talk to your tutors about missing two weeks of study. I suspect you will be strongly advised not to - or be required to work whilst away which would put a significant downer on it (and you'd need decent wifi etc).

I understand why you are angry, you want to do the right thing but recognise that this will put you at a disadvantage. If you can make it there for a week then I think you would atleast feel like you have prioritised yourself and kept to the commitment.

We got married a similar distance away. My husband isn't from the UK and it was going to be unequal to organise something over here or where he's from so we just went for somewhere we both liked.

We knew our immediate family would come as they go on holiday there anyway

With friends we had the attitude that they were more than welcome to come if they wanted a holiday over there but we understood if time / money / inconvenience meant they couldn't or didn't want to come. We were fine if it was just going to be us, and stressed to people they didn't need to feel obliged to come

We were there for 10 days and told people which hotel we were staying at and organised a meal and a couple of other things. Some people stayed the whole 10 days others travelled round the region and stayed a couple of nights. Some stayed in our complex and some stayed in a different one to have their own space. I think there were around 14 friends in total plus family

We paid for everything at the wedding and a few other things. A couple of people said they'd come bug dropped out relatively last minute and we were fine with that, didn't cost us anything and we weren't expecting people to come anyway

My point is unless they are very unreasonable they will understand that it's expensive and far away snd going to take up a lot of your annual leave. They shouldnt expect you to go but treat it as a bonus if you're there. It was maybe a bit bad to say you'd go and now change your mind so if you're not going I'd offer to reinburse any costs like best man outfits etc. If it's somewhere you'd like to visit I'd go but for less time and see other areas you want to visit. I'd not worry about stag dos it's not going to be traditional anyway.

Please, brides to be, listen to ForgivenessIsDivine
mumbles bitterly

You only just got confirmed dates for a December wedding? For a 2 week destination wedding? They're taking the piss. I have weddings coming up in Nov and Dec this year, the save the dates arrived months ago (only 3 hour drive each way away grumbles again...)

I don’t see the big deal about the distance / time / cost.
That’s what they wanted, nobody court ordered you to say yes.

And people ruling it out because it’s close to Xmas?! Xmas isn’t always that big a deal when you’re young and child free.

I attended a wedding in South Africa. About 20 people from the UK went, all making 1 or 2 week holidays around it. The B&G laid on some fab activities in the week before - big dinners, touristy trips (and champagne on a catamaran hen do). All OPTIONAL and all because they wanted to show off their home region and recognised people had based their holiday around it. I even - god forbid - flew out on Xmas Day.

They’re still married 15 years on despite the showy wedding

This is drama over nothing, and people slagging them off is mean and pointless. Just tell them - change of plan for me, starting Masters, can’t go, sorry.

Only if they kick off are they unreasonable.

When they decided to do this, they clearly had friends who were up for it - so there was nothing wrong in planning it.

I do think it’s crazy on their part to confirm the actual dates so late... except, OP hasn’t said how long she’s known for, so it could be 4-6 months.

It sounds like an amazing trip if it’s your thing (it would be mine, and it sounds like OP was keen too).

“Angry” is really misplaced. I agree with a PP that you’re probably angry about something else. You said you didn’t do as well as you hoped in your degree and that’s led to the masters plan. So maybe you’re more angry that you’re missing the wedding for a masters you didn’t actually want to do?

In fact, I re-read OP. Wedding date has “only just been confirmed in the last few months”.
I usually say couple to mean 2 and few to mean 3. So possibly up to 6 months notice of firm date, when they’ve known for 3 years that it’s December 2018.
And NOTHING to stop them calling their friends at anytime before to say “we need to book flights”.
It’s not fair to be angry at the B&G for something that was fine by the OP until her circumstances changed.
Sounds like wedding date was known months ago but OP was distracted by her surgery, or didn’t expect it to impact her degree. That’s not the B&G’s fault.

You’d be mad to go if it’s during a taught section of your course OP, but that’s just because your life changed - don’t be angry with your friends.

I would cost it for 2 for 2 weeks, then 1 person. Secondly, do you both have enough holiday to take ?. It is a great opportunity to go to a foreign wedding, but I would spend some of the time exploring other places too. Go for longer if you can !