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Original poster

Do I try to go to this wedding or leave it

141 replies

NeedingAdvicePlease · 09/09/2018 22:05

Unfortunately it is a wedding one. Partner and I have been invited to a wedding in Indonesia, we were invited ages ago but dates have only been confirmed in the last few months.

When we were invited we were happy to accept and planned to visit a few other places while we were over there. My partner is one of two best men and it is his friends wedding. In the last few months my circumstances have changed and I’m hoping to go back to study at uni this month.

So I don’t know what to do anymore, the wedding is this December. Do we try to go, should my partner go alone or do we leave it? I’m so torn part of me feels so guilty, while the other part is angry and wondering what the couple expected having a wedding so far away. We are based in the UK and they have no ties to the country they are getting married in.

The wedding is a two week affair with activities planned everyday, we can technically afford it but again there is anger, as we would not spend this much money on ourselves. What would you do in this situation?

Would it be okay to drop out, I feel so much guilt ever considering it and feel like going just to keep them happy.

OP posts:
Veganfortheanimals · 10/09/2018 07:32

You say ,you can't afford it ,we certainly wouldn't be able to

Somanymistakes · 10/09/2018 07:38

So they asked did you want to do this and you said yes. And planned to travel on further.

Now you are seething at their impertinence - how dare they?!

But you said you wanted to go? Now things have changed - so just talk to them. Is it over Christmas? I doubt you'll miss much of uni if it is then - they have long academic holidays surely?

They don't expect people to attend, they asked. They want to marry there and maybe feel they need to offer a 'holiday' experience as it is so far.
If most of their friends are working and child free I think it is a nice idea so long as there is no expectation.

I wouldn't want to go on my own if I was your DP. Could he just go for a week if he really wants to be at the wedding? Or he could apologise and back out.

All your anger and outrage is misplaced and you are being very unkind about them.

Have these changes left you more perturbed or shaken than you thought? I wonder if this level of anger - and you really can feel it in your message, is actually at something else but somehow has transferred

(eg: when a very close relative died, I was a BITCH to my then DP after a couple of months. Just horrible - picking fights, being snippy. At one point I shrieked at him "why won't you argue with me?! I'm being horrible!" And he very calmly that it was because I wasn't really angry at him but at my relative. And I realised he was right and it did help to defuse some anger. He never showed such empathy again, mind you)

So, keeping all of that in mind - are you ok? Is there anything else going on because you seem very upset.

StepBackNow · 10/09/2018 07:40

Just don't go. Tell them that your circumstances have changed and you can no longer afford the time or money to indulge their stupidly selfish and extravagant wedding.

Somanymistakes · 10/09/2018 07:43

And by the way, I do think they are being very self absorbed but they are probably at the time of life you can be.

Child free with disposable income is a great place to be when you are young. Enjoy it and have some fun and travel. (Not saying go to the wedding but perhaps lay off berating them for their choices)

Can I just say that my fucking phone keeps changing 'side' to 'dude' when I am typing 'other side of world' It is driving me mental. I have never used the word dude.

theymademejoin · 10/09/2018 07:50

Is it a taught or research masters? If it's taught and you miss exams (they're in December where I am) what happens if you miss them? Where I am, repeats in autumn are capped at 40% unless you get a deferral and there is no way you would get a deferral for a holiday.

Esspee · 10/09/2018 07:51

Just as well they have another best man! (Who has two?)
In your place I would tell them that your masters now means you are not free in December but hope they have a lovely time. Your OH needs to decide for himself whether he is prepared to go without you.
The money you save can go towards a lovely honeymoon for yourselves eventually or help finance you through your degree.

Hannahmates · 10/09/2018 07:53

You're overthinking this. By having their wedding so far away they should expect many people will be unable to attend the wedding. I don't see why you're mad at them. They can have their wedding wherever they like and guests can choose whether to attend. You can just tell them you have school and they should understand if they are reasonable rational people.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 07:57

I think you're being a little unfair. You have had three years notice, even without the exact dates and you agreed to go.

You can drop out, but it's not right to be angry with this couple.

EggMayonnaise · 10/09/2018 07:57

Whilst it is a big ask of people, before my husband and I had children would have quite happily attended a wedding such as this. We would have enjoyed the good excuse for holiday!

However, if you don't want to go then don't. It is a lot of time and money and any reasonable bride and groom would understand that most people can't afford to give up one or the other or both.

I don't get why you're annoyed though. You agreed to go and the only thing that's changed is your circumstances!

MachineBee · 10/09/2018 08:00

@WhereYouLeftIt totally nails this! Especially, noting the part where is ‘one of the Best Men’. Honestly what is with people these days. I’m about to attend a wedding that has been organised in less than 3 months, to a tight budget and I’m so looking forward to it. It’ll be relaxed, fun and a proper knees up. Not a staged showpiece where all the guests get hungry and bored.

What is proposed for you OP is for you and your DH to be extras to their showstopper. I wonder how long the marriage will? Grin

flumpybear · 10/09/2018 08:01

Your future is more important. Masters courses are intense so you'd need to be at lectures etc and hand work in on time. I'd probably tell them you can't come due to the intense course, plus it's expensive and now it's unrealistic spending many thousands of pounds to go to their wedding

pasturesgreen · 10/09/2018 08:07

You seemed happy enough to go originally, so just explain to the bride and groom that your circumstances have changed since you agreed to go? No need to get angry surely Confused

Personally, I'm baffled by these self-indulgent two-week-long jollies on the other side of the world, and I doubt they'll have a great many people coming, since it's just before Christmas, but each to their own.

Moanella · 10/09/2018 08:13

Why doesn't your partner just say that he can't get annual leave at that time. Unless he and the groom work together of course.

Happygummibear · 10/09/2018 08:13

When they invited you 3 years ago did you know it would be a 2 week affair? Because to me this sounds like they were being nice giving their nearest and dearest fair warning to save money.

Bit stingy to not pay for the BM suit but it depends if they are dictating what he should wear or just saying... smart casual clothes.

Do you really want to visit this place? Sounds like an incredible experience if you can afford it

Have you investigated with uni that it's feasible to have time off and not miss important exams etc.

Will this impact on anything else?

Life does change and people can't be upset that after 3 years something else may have gotten in the way. Especially as most people get at least 6 months notice if not more for a wedding date

Its unfair of the couple to get annoyed if people can't make it. If they wanted certainty of people they should have picked something closer or where it's easier to only come for a few days.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/09/2018 08:15

Having read all your posts I would let them we couldn't go. It would have been better to say as soon as the date was confirmed. Totally amazed people plan weddings like this, I'd struggle to afford to go if it was my children.

ShrodingersSturdyPyjamas · 10/09/2018 08:19

Wait until you DO get an invitation, then decline.

Two weeks for someone's wedding, on the other side of the planet?

Fuck that for a laugh.

SalemBlackCat · 10/09/2018 08:20

Destination weddings are selfish in the extreme. And TWO WEEKS!?!?? Wow, that is beyond reasonable. A couple of days, sure. But a wedding that lasts two weeks?

If they are that unreasonable and self-absorbed that they are angry that other people, who don't have the means to go obviously are pulling out, are you sure it is a friendship worth saving? It sounds like to me they are completely insensitive of other people's feelings, needs and financial situations. They don't sound like a friendship I'd miss if they turned against me for not going, tbh.

I would strongly urge you both not to go and to definitely not feel any guilt over it. If you said you would 3 years ago, that is a long time ago and people's lives can change dramatically in that time. Case in point with you now studying and saving for your own marriage. It seems like they have no regards for your needs or situation just as they have none for the others that pulled out. Don't cave in, because you will regret it once there and wish you hadn't. Both of you should definitely pull out. Your situation is more important than their destination self-indulgence. They clearly don't respect you. Don't go. Put yourselves and your own needs first. You won't regret it.

inquiquotiokixul · 10/09/2018 08:20

I think you aren't committed here - you weren't asked to 'save a date' when you were asked 3 years ago, nor were you told this would be a 2 week deal.

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to just say that you (plural this is, replying as a couple) are very sorry but your circumstances have changed significantly over the past 3 years since they got engaged, and you are now unable to go.

It would also be perfectly reasonable - if this would be your choice - for dp to pull out of being best man but you both to accept the invitation to the wedding only, then you can fly out for the last couple of days of their extravaganza (by which time presumably your uni term will be over) and then have further holiday in that general vicinity of a type that fits your own tastes and with just the two of you choosing your own activities.

Destination weddings are absolutely fine if you want a small event and are effectively rolling the ceremony into the honeymoon, and would be happy for it to be with no guests just local witnesses if no friends or family can come. Expecting/demanding anyone at all whether family or friend to dedicate 2 weeks of annual leave and thousands of pounds to attend a wedding is just mind-blowing selfishness. You don't need friends like that.

ApolloandDaphne · 10/09/2018 08:23

I would wait until you matriculate and have all the details of your course laid out in front of you so you know how much work is going to be expected of you in the run up to, and during the wedding. At that point make your decision. Your DP can decide for himself if he wants to go or not.

PeridotCricket · 10/09/2018 08:26

I’d go if I had the dosh. It’d be fun.

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/09/2018 08:26

This is pile of wank. It's a muslim country so the marriage wont be valid in the uk anyway unless they have a ceremony here too.

So it's a holiday where everyone buys you presents.

Just say no. Two weeks annual leave to witness a non-legal wedding?. Just no.

bibblebobblebubble · 10/09/2018 08:29

I’m intrigued to know what the organised activities are that are going to fill a whole two weeks in the middle of nowhere. I think I’d just get unbelievably bored for that long making small talk with random people, however idyllic the island.

EK36 · 10/09/2018 08:29

Talk to your husband first. If he agrees then let them know asap that because your circumstances have changed. As you cannot afford nor can have the time off to go to their wedding. Next time don't accept an invitation, until you know what you want to do.

deepsea · 10/09/2018 08:32

If you book a destination wedding you have to expect that not everyone can or will want to go. They can organise a party for when they return if they want to, and you can all go to that.

I am amazed ANYONE is prepared to travel that far for a wedding tbh.

You are not being U, so just cancel now with kindness, both of you. Send them a present and card and a looking forward to celebrating letter. If they aren't having a party arrange a lovely dinner at your house in their honour. Job done.

Ohluckyme · 10/09/2018 08:35

Can you speak to your course leader and see if it is possible? If not ask him to email you and you can send this email onto your friends along with a decline.

If it is possible then go and have a wonderful holiday with your partner before you get bogged down with children etc . I would miss out the stag do and just attend the wedding so your whole holiday isn’t taken up with their wedding.

I see why your angry. It’s a very selfish wedding to have. But you could make it into an amazing experience. Best to check with your course leader first though x

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