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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I try to go to this wedding or leave it

141 replies

NeedingAdvicePlease · 09/09/2018 22:05

Unfortunately it is a wedding one. Partner and I have been invited to a wedding in Indonesia, we were invited ages ago but dates have only been confirmed in the last few months.

When we were invited we were happy to accept and planned to visit a few other places while we were over there. My partner is one of two best men and it is his friends wedding. In the last few months my circumstances have changed and I’m hoping to go back to study at uni this month.

So I don’t know what to do anymore, the wedding is this December. Do we try to go, should my partner go alone or do we leave it? I’m so torn part of me feels so guilty, while the other part is angry and wondering what the couple expected having a wedding so far away. We are based in the UK and they have no ties to the country they are getting married in.

The wedding is a two week affair with activities planned everyday, we can technically afford it but again there is anger, as we would not spend this much money on ourselves. What would you do in this situation?

Would it be okay to drop out, I feel so much guilt ever considering it and feel like going just to keep them happy.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 09/09/2018 23:45

If you don't want to go then don't. I'm sure they wouldn't want anyone there under sufferance. If your DH wants to go then again great.

Fabricwitch · 09/09/2018 23:46

I understand why you're angry.
It's ridiculous to have a wedding so far away, and for 2 weeks. Asking for people to spend that much time (including holiday time) and money on you is just so entitled.
I would only go to such a thing for immediate family, dh's immediate family, or if it happened to be somewhere I wanted to go and the activities were things I would/could choose myself.
So in your situation, I wouldn't go, and I would let my dh decide whether he wanted to go without me or not.
I also don't think it's necessary for the best man to be at the stag do. It is normal but I know people who's best men missed it due to different circumstances.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/09/2018 23:49

Can't believe a couple are expecting people to give up 2 weeks annual leave for their wedding, never mind the expense.

Also if I was going somewhere like that I would want some of that time not to be devoted to the wedding so you can make a holiday of it.

Some friends of ours got married in Australia some years ago (bride Australian so had a connection to the destination) We were invited, couple wanted us to be there but would have understood if we couldn't make it. We made a long holiday of it, visiting various parts of Australia and then turning up for the wedding. For us it was a holiday of a lifetime, and we planned it so it coincided with the wedding. No way would we have gone if it was just for the wedding.

theworldistoosmall · 09/09/2018 23:49

I wouldn't go. A far-flung holiday in a remote location designed to ensure you go for 2 weeks? Not a chance. Forget finances, it's also assuming that people want to waste 2 weeks of their annual leave. Never mind if people could get time off at a particular time of the year.

And should be easy to cover missed coursework? Haha that's funny. I remember missing a couple of weeks for my masters. Playing catch up was very, very hard. Plus I had an assignment due, which thankfully because of ill health the tutor was understanding and gave me an extension. Would the tutor be so understanding hearing can I have an extension for a mates wedding?

LeftRightCentre · 09/09/2018 23:50

The truth is If a best man drops out of a wedding because his girlfriend cant go a few months before having committed himself to it he will most likely lose his friend.

Someone who expects mates to travel across the world for a 2-week wedding plus right before Xmas isn't much of a mate, anyhow. No big loss.

SparklyLeprechaun · 09/09/2018 23:51

But why are you angry? You were happy enough to make plans a few months ago. Go or don't go, it doesn't matter, but your bf is a wimp if he pulls out after accepting to be best man because his gf isn't there to hold his hand.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 09/09/2018 23:52

LeftRightCentre i agree it is massively entitled but the OP and her DP agreed to go and are now having second thoughts.i think he should go to the wedding but probably miss the stag do.

SparklyLeprechaun · 09/09/2018 23:54

Someone who expects mates to travel across the world for a 2-week wedding plus right before Xmas isn't much of a mate, anyhow. No big loss.

Did you miss the part where the best man has happily agreed to go to the wedding months ago?

MrsStrowman · 09/09/2018 23:54

YABU why accept in the first place? They have you lots of notice and you could've said there and then we won't be able to afford it, or we might only be able to come for a week, all fine. Instead you've said yes great, we'll come DP will be best man and now you've changed your mind.... You've changed your plans and your definition of reasonable, they're just doing what they told you they were going to.

ConsiderHerWaysAndOthers · 09/09/2018 23:58

Yes destination weddings, especially long haul ones are a pain the arse and you are not obliged to attend. BUT, and it’s a huge but, you already accepted the invitation, it’s short notice so the couple might not be able to get their money back for your place and your DP is the best man. Presumably this change of circumstance with regard to you studying is not out of the blue since you would have applied for the masters months ago and you say the wedding date has been confirmed in the last couple of months. Also for your DP to turn round and drop out just because you can’t make it isn’t exactly great if he’s close enough to the groom to be best man. It’s all round a bit shit really, of course you shouldn’t sacrifice your coursework and of course your DP shouldn’t go if he doesn’t want to but accepting the invitation and then dropping out will probably ruin his friendship with the groom... You’ve treated your friends pretty badly IMO.

keyboardkate · 10/09/2018 00:02

Might be a cultural thing in Indonesia and for the happy pair.

OP should have sat on the invite for a week and said NO, if you want to go DP darling, off you go, I ain't..

The big boo boo here is OP's acceptance from the start. Not easy to change that now, but I still would personally.

LeftRightCentre · 10/09/2018 00:06

Did you miss the part where the best man has happily agreed to go to the wedding months ago?

Nope, and now his circumstances have changed. 3 months is plenty of time to get over his dropping out especially since he's 1 of 2 best men. It's not like the wedding is next week.

Original poster
NeedingAdvicePlease · 10/09/2018 00:07

When we agreed we were in very different circumstances. We have recently bought a house and got engaged ourselves, so a very different situation than when we were invited 3 years ago. However the official date was only confirmed this summer.

Also bf is a wimp if he pulls out after accepting to be best man because his gf isn't there to hold his hand

I think this is a bit mean, he is trying his best to please everyone and would be disappointed that I’m not with him, since we have talked about it for 3 years now.

OP posts:
Hadjab · 10/09/2018 00:07

I also don’t get why you’re angry 🤷🏽‍♀️ Nobody is holding a gun to your head forcing you to go, and i’m Sure if you actually discussed your circumstances with the couple, they would understand why your husband can only go for the actual wedding, or why you both can’t go.
Why sit and stew? Communication is key.

Original poster
NeedingAdvicePlease · 10/09/2018 00:09

Also I should add they are not paying for anything for us. Partner has to provide a suit himself.

However they may be out the cost of our meals but no outfits or anything.

OP posts:
CrossFlannelCherry · 10/09/2018 00:13

Why are you angry? They are perfectly within their rights to have the wedding they want and you are perfectly within your rights to say you can't make it.

BackforGood · 10/09/2018 00:13

I think your dp would be unreasonable to drop out now, with just 3 months to go, when he has known about it for 3 years, and agreed to be part of it.

Totally with you on the whole 'if they choose to get married in such a way it is so expensive for their guests, they can't expect many guests' thinking, and would have been perfectly reasonable for you and dp to have said you can't justify spending that much when you were asked, or the next year, or the next year. Leaving it until now, however, your dp would be letting his friend down badly.

MissConductUS · 10/09/2018 00:18

I'd skip it, for you especially. Your education should certainly take precedence. It's madness to plan a wedding that's such an ordeal for people to get to.

And why does Mumsnet insist on American spelling???

Say wha, pardner? Grin

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 10/09/2018 00:18

My thoughts are don’t go. You are feeling bad cos it’s your husbands mate and you’ve already said yes.
Realistically it’s total madness to go to Indonesia for 2 weeks if it’s inconvenient re your studies.
I’ve learnt over the years it’s best to say no early on to avoid this sort of situation.
Talk to DH, make a list of pros and cons and try to come to a conclusion that you both agree on.
Good luck!

moredoll · 10/09/2018 00:19

Tell them your circumstances have changed. I think your partner has to go. Is it possible to go for the second week only? If you speak to your course leader now can you cover the work you'll miss? Maybe ask if someone can record any seminars you'll miss.
Frankly I think it's really rude and entitled to have a wedding that lasts for two weeks.

ineedaholidaynow · 10/09/2018 00:19

Many things can change in 3 years, what if you had had children, and couldn't leave them for 2 weeks. If they have only recently confirmed the details they can't expect people to have put their lives on hold for 3 years waiting for the formal invitation. Your circumstances have changed, they need to accept this. Especially if they are not paying for anything

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 10/09/2018 00:25

I am amazed anyone would respond to this ludicrous invitation with anything other than "fuck off".

Even if I could afford it I would not want to waste annual leave and long distance travel for two weeks of activities with people I don't know.

It's just so over the top.

BackforGood · 10/09/2018 00:28

Many things can change in 3 years, what if you had had children

Well, you generally get a bit of notice when having a child...... 9 months is the norm there...... so you wouldn't be letting him down 3 months before going out.
Same as staring this course / buying the house - OP presumably didn't wake up yesterday and decide she'd start a new course today, and accidently find she'd bought a house in the same week. These things take planning and time to secure. Why not let the couple down all those months ago when their circumstances changed / were changing?

Catherineln · 10/09/2018 00:30

Have you spoken to the bride and groom about it my darling. Me and my husband got married in Greece a few months ago and it was an expensive resort. We wanted our closest people with us and we wanted to make it a week affair where we could spend time with our nearest and dearest. However we understood that a lot of the people who came it would be their holiday as well so we didn't plan things every day of the holiday so the guests didn't feel they had to spend all their time with us. Also when we discussed it with everyone we made it VERY VERY clear we didn't expect them there we gave them a choice and there was no hard feelings towards the people who decided not to come. It was all very relaxed and the people we invited felt they could talk to us about any issues that came up about coming. There wasn't anyone who was upset etc about It all because we didn't make it just about us we made it about everyone and how it was everyone's holiday x

dinosaurkisses · 10/09/2018 00:33

DH and I are really stingy with our annual leave so it would be a flat no from us.

The two weeks of wedding related activity would piss me off even if I was inclined to go. It seems really self indulgent to monopolise so much of people’s free time, especially since so many guests would feel too awkward decline all that organised fun.

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