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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I too tolerant of newborn crying?

149 replies

Rwanditaliance · 09/09/2018 17:53

I have three DC. The latest one is three weeks old. Today due to driving in the car to somewhere we had to go (and me driving as the only one who drives) the newborn cried because he was hungry. I knew it was probably time to BF him but we only had five mins of the journey left and it was not possible to pull over.

In the car was DH, MIL, and my DM (plus DC) (BIG people carrier.)

In that five minutes, DH, MIL and DM made it very clear they couldn’t stand the sound of him crying. I saw lots of looks at each other and shaking of heads in the rear view mirror. There were several tuts from MIL who asked if she could take him out of his seat and hold him. I said no as it’s against the law. More tuts.

DH eventually piped up - “wow it really doesn’t bother you does it? Weird as it’s supposed to affect mothers the most.” Obviously this has many implications ; the perception that I could just drive, and hard-heartedly tolerate it while everyone else, - brimming with empathy - could not.

I said yes it does bother me, but I’ve told you we’re three minutes away from where I can BF him and, sometimes - in exceptional circumstances - this does happen.

By the end of the journey, my DM had her head in her hands, DC were asking her what was wrong. DH was wringing his hands and taking elaborate “deep breaths” in the rear view mirror, and MIL was still sighing and tutting.

I parked the car at home and MIL jumped out of the passenger seat and fell over in her panic to get out (and get to the baby.) DM rushed over to the baby’s side in a panic to get to him and got in a mess trying to undo his car seat straps, basically winding them further around his arms and torso.

I came and undid them and took him out and walked with him into the house and upstairs. It took me a while to get my bra unstrapped, so he cried further and DH was at the door saying “what are you doing? Stop changing.”

WIBU and cold hearted to not be in a panic like everyone else?

OP posts:
FiresideTreats · 09/09/2018 17:55

Nothing else to say apart from YWNBU.

CountessVonBoobs · 09/09/2018 17:57

No. They were all being ridiculous. Nobody likes listening to a baby crying but, particularly in a car, sometimes they have to for five minutes or so until you can safely get to them.

A car can make it more grating because it's such a confined space but they were all being terribly dramatic about it. Does your DH actually do much baby care? It sounds to me like it's been altogether too long since any of them actually cared for a tiny baby.

Personally I've found it much easier for both me and the baby that with my second, I no longer think he'll explode or something if he cries for a few minutes and am thus calmer myself and can calm him better.

SoyDora · 09/09/2018 17:57

Did they want you to pull up at the side of the road at all and feed him there?!

MaryShelley1818 · 09/09/2018 17:58

I physically cannot bear my baby crying, it stresses and upsets me.
However in your circumstances if it was only a few minutes from home I’d have powered on.
The behaviour by your family would have made it even more upsetting for me.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 09/09/2018 17:59

Getting in a panic doesn't help the baby, in this case the people in a panic actually made things worse. It's a good thing you didn't get as panicked as them and crash the car!

Calmly getting to a place where you can safely feed him is the best thing for baby.

MrTrebus · 09/09/2018 17:59

They all sound a bit nuts or your story is massively over exaggerated from your point of view. Especially your husband,you've got 3 kids together has he been absent for the last 2 or has he just forgotten what it's like? Funny story though this would piss me off too. Do you think DM and MIL hyped each other up? Like who is the better grandmother type behaviour?

NotTakenUsername · 09/09/2018 17:59

I’d have turned up the radio and kept going. In fact that’s exactly what I’ve done in the past.
5 mins is fine.

PerryPerryThePlatypus · 09/09/2018 17:59

They all sound very over dramatic. YANBU.

BinG0wings123 · 09/09/2018 18:00

What were they expecting you to do? Pull over there and then go feed when you could drive for 5 more mins and feed in comfort?

Twats.

Littlebluebird123 · 09/09/2018 18:01

What a bunch of dramallamas!
I always found the noise cut through me but I could block it out if I knew I couldn't do anything at that point. Like in your case or if they had just awoken and I was tending to a fallen toddler or toilet emergency. Babies cry as their method of communication. It happens. It's not a national crisis!

BrokenLink · 09/09/2018 18:01

You were doing the best you could to drive him home safely so he could feed. They sound insufferable. They should have supported you with the plan you chose as it was not unreasonable.

CountessVonBoobs · 09/09/2018 18:01

I’d have turned up the radio and kept going.

Yup. Sometimes all you can do is have a lusty singalong to the radio and keep your cool. Crashing won't improve the situation, and will prove more harmful to the baby than five minutes of crying.

Iwantaunicorn · 09/09/2018 18:02

YANBU, they sound like proper drama llamas!

TheFifthKey · 09/09/2018 18:03

They sound like a bunch of fucking drama queens. Unless, I guess, they have legitimate reasons to think you’re neglectful or blasé? Which I doubt. Do they tend to categorise you in that way though? People get names for things in families that are not necessarily based on actual reality - do they see you as slapdash or unmaternal?

Original poster
Rwanditaliance · 09/09/2018 18:03

They are big drama queens and have form for being drama queens, especially DH and MIL. But their behaviour upset me as they seemed to use their justification as my supposed hard-heartedness.

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 09/09/2018 18:03

Fucking hell what a bunch of drama llamas.

YANBU. You’re more restrained than me I’d have told them all to fuck off and walk next time.

DPotter · 09/09/2018 18:03

5 minutes of close quarters newborn crying is heart renching and distressing.
Maybe it's the way you have recounted the situation, but did you explain your thinking to your family ? If you didn't it could have come across as heartless

TulipsInBloom1 · 09/09/2018 18:03

Their reactions were way ott. Couldnt whoever sat next to him have sung/stroked him/popped a clean finger in his mouth?

ToBeARockAndNotToRoll · 09/09/2018 18:05

A newborn crying does trigger an instinctive, almost primitive urge to 'respond' to it, but their behaviour is beyond ridiculous.

YANBU.

MrsMozart · 09/09/2018 18:06

Blinking heck.

You know YWNBU, they were being dramatwits.

DryHeave · 09/09/2018 18:09

Blimey, how big is your car? misses point

Badgerthebodger · 09/09/2018 18:11

Stop changing Shock just what the actual fuck was he thinking?? Your THIRD child and he isn’t familiar with the methodology of freeing ones boob from the layers of clothing you are wearing? God I’d have let rip at the lot of them. How about fucking off because there is absolutely nothing that can be done when a baby is crying and you can’t quite just drop everything to feed them. I vividly remember lying legs akimbo for a high vaginal swab while my 2 week old howled in the pram beside me. Poor you, how annoying when you’re just driving and trying to get home and not lose the will to live, probably leaking milk. I think you’ve taken a pragmatic approach and as your on your third baby you’ve probably learned that babies do sometimes need to wait a few minutes for a feed and that nothing bad will happen to the baby because of this. Tell your family to stop the amateur dramatics!

CrabbyPatty · 09/09/2018 18:11

Just another in agreement that you were the only one being entirely rational. I think they are wrong to make you feel guilty which they clearly did.

CecilyP · 09/09/2018 18:11

^5 minutes of close quarters newborn crying is heart renching and distressing.
Maybe it's the way you have recounted the situation, but did you explain your thinking to your family ? If you didn't it could have come across as heartless^

Surely they are not all so dim that OP had to explain to them. They are all grown adults and it should have been obvious. OP already has the responsibility of driving and feeding., does she have to think for them as well?

GONNAENo · 09/09/2018 18:13

Never drive them anywhere ever again, just in case baby needs bf. Drive yourself and the kids, but never the others.

No one would pull over 5 mins from home to spend 20 mins + (in my experience) feeding a child in a car, with other children instead of powering on and getting everyone home asap, and I say that as someone who gets right worked up about babies crying.