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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I too tolerant of newborn crying?

149 replies

Rwanditaliance · 09/09/2018 17:53

I have three DC. The latest one is three weeks old. Today due to driving in the car to somewhere we had to go (and me driving as the only one who drives) the newborn cried because he was hungry. I knew it was probably time to BF him but we only had five mins of the journey left and it was not possible to pull over.

In the car was DH, MIL, and my DM (plus DC) (BIG people carrier.)

In that five minutes, DH, MIL and DM made it very clear they couldn’t stand the sound of him crying. I saw lots of looks at each other and shaking of heads in the rear view mirror. There were several tuts from MIL who asked if she could take him out of his seat and hold him. I said no as it’s against the law. More tuts.

DH eventually piped up - “wow it really doesn’t bother you does it? Weird as it’s supposed to affect mothers the most.” Obviously this has many implications ; the perception that I could just drive, and hard-heartedly tolerate it while everyone else, - brimming with empathy - could not.

I said yes it does bother me, but I’ve told you we’re three minutes away from where I can BF him and, sometimes - in exceptional circumstances - this does happen.

By the end of the journey, my DM had her head in her hands, DC were asking her what was wrong. DH was wringing his hands and taking elaborate “deep breaths” in the rear view mirror, and MIL was still sighing and tutting.

I parked the car at home and MIL jumped out of the passenger seat and fell over in her panic to get out (and get to the baby.) DM rushed over to the baby’s side in a panic to get to him and got in a mess trying to undo his car seat straps, basically winding them further around his arms and torso.

I came and undid them and took him out and walked with him into the house and upstairs. It took me a while to get my bra unstrapped, so he cried further and DH was at the door saying “what are you doing? Stop changing.”

WIBU and cold hearted to not be in a panic like everyone else?

OP posts:

Aus84 · 10/09/2018 03:54

That was a dick move from your DH. Totally unnecessary and undermining comments.

Newborn crying triggers the part of the brain involved in fight or flight responses which explains the reaction of the Three Stooges in the car. You did very well OP.

youdialwetile · 10/09/2018 04:36

YWNBU. I've done that plenty of times. Turn up the radio and roll the windows down "to let the screams out". Sometimes it even resulted in the baby calming down.

triwarrior · 10/09/2018 04:51

I hated the sound of my children crying to be nursed (although I can tune out General whining very easily!) I’d have been irritated by their reaction but I’d have likely pulled over to feed the baby.

triwarrior · 10/09/2018 04:53

Actually I’ve just realized I misread your post. I thought you said 3 months - at three weeks I’d have definitely pulled over to nurse.

Believeitornot · 10/09/2018 05:24

Have there been other instances of you ignoring your new baby for a bit? Just seems a bit strange for your dh to make that comment. Is there a back story?

LivLemler · 10/09/2018 05:33

My blood is boiling reading this! DD is PFB, bf on demand and I definitely would've waited the five minutes to feed her at home in comfort where I could put her down to sleep if she drifted off. Still would at five months.

DH and I have noticed that with certain family, if we tend to DD as soon as she makes a noise, we're spoiling her and that's why she's fussy (she's not particularly). But if we leave her a nanosecond we get flurries of instructions to pick her up/wind her/shake five rattles in her face at once. We just laugh and roll our eyes.

I'd be fuming at your DH for not backing you up, and for the changing comment. Even if you didn't bf your other children, surely after three weeks he's noticed that it's sometimes a bit of faff to get sorted.

Yeahmum · 10/09/2018 06:15

YANBU.

Thursdaydreaming · 10/09/2018 06:16

Oh dear, they would hate driving with me. I'd keep driving even I was 20 minutes from home. Sometimes babies cry in the car, what else can you do except not drive anywhere. They don't have to be "starving" to start crying, they sometimes cry for no reason at all.

keenoonvino · 10/09/2018 06:28

They were ridiculous.

But on another note, I need to know what car you have that carries that many people comfortably as we really need a new one!!

Anastassiabeaverhausen · 10/09/2018 06:55

No drivers license, no lactating boobs = no opinion.

Legageddon · 10/09/2018 07:06

Yes I guess they were unfair but tbh I’d have felt really upset having to hear a baby get hysterical
When a young baby needs a feed it isn’t just a sob is it? It’s that full blown red hysterical traumatic cry and I could never stomach it at all from mine
I’d have pulled over and fed or at least fed enough to pacify.
It sounds like you were making a point a abit esp at the end and I can see that knowing you were home with the baby but still going to lengths to go upstairs, get comfy etc rather than just whipping a boob out for what must have been by then a hugely distressed baby, probably seems really unpleasant.

It sounds like your demeanour in the car upset them as much as the baby- that you didn’t seem bothered?
I don’t know- I think if they were getting as upset as the baby they clearly wouldn’t have minded waiting whilst you fed so why not just pull over?

SnuggyBuggy · 10/09/2018 07:09

Babies are all different but my 3 week old could cluster feed for hours. Would pulling over and getting everyone in that car to camp out at the side of road for hours really have been a better option?

JynxaSmoochum · 10/09/2018 07:13

They were ridiculous. It's not nice driving with a crying baby but needs must. 3 adults working themselves up about it is totally unnecessary.

I remember DS having enough at the end of a day trip and for the final 15 minutes, the brownies in my car kept helpfully pointing out that he was crying. Until the final 3/4 mile home it was all dual carriageway/ NSL road. Pulling over would have been extremely hazardous.

My friend's baby loathed the car seat and cried into a frenzy from start to finish. I was out with them one day and wondered why I was engorged and leaking so early in the day (had adjusted to feeding mine around work hours) and realised my body was responding to her cries

WTFdidwedo · 10/09/2018 07:18

@Legageddon
"It sounds like you were making a point a abit esp at the end and I can see that knowing you were home with the baby but still going to lengths to go upstairs, get comfy etc rather than just whipping a boob out for what must have been by then a hugely distressed baby, probably seems really unpleasant."
How is finding somewhere to sit and undoing your bra to feed "going to lengths"!?!

Thursdaydreaming · 10/09/2018 07:23

Yeah OP, you should have just torn your shirt off like Clark Kent becoming superman

MachineBee · 10/09/2018 07:42

YANBU- you were not being hard hearted at all. You were being a responsible driver, staying calm to concentrate on the road and getting everyone safe. I’d be suggesting they get taxis next time as you’re not carrying hysterical passengers anymore.

Frusso · 10/09/2018 07:45

5 minutes of close quarters newborn crying is heart renching and distressing.
See, I find that interesting, because I don't. My own dcs yes, other people's; nope. (Except for one single occasion where random newborn cry in a supermarket made my boobs leak)

RebelRogue · 10/09/2018 07:49

Maternity nurses must be full of PTSD from all that traumatic,distressing,heart wrenching crying day in day out.

SoyDora · 10/09/2018 07:57

It sounds like you were making a point a abit esp at the end and I can see that knowing you were home with the baby but still going to lengths to go upstairs, get comfy etc rather than just whipping a boob out for what must have been by then a hugely distressed baby, probably seems really unpleasant

Sitting down on a bed and taking her top off?! Would she have been better just stripping at the front door?!

HoppingPavlova · 10/09/2018 08:47

I would have told them to cut the drama or get out and walk.

I had more than a few times with one of mine where I got caught out in the car but where we were living at the time was a case of inching in traffic with no ability to pull over. So imagine being out somewhere, baby is asleep when you leave and you think there will be time to get home before they wake and 20mins away from home they wake up hungry. Physically can’t pull over, nearest point you can pull off the road is 5mins away from home so at that point I would just keep going. Unless you never left home it was going to happen at times, it was just a bad location in regards to roads. Mostly it was okay but I confess a few times I had to turn the radio up to take the edge off the sound.

OutPinked · 10/09/2018 08:58

YANBU. Much easier to power on through in that situation and as a PP said, blast the radio if needs be. It’s not the most pleasant noise but since they only had to deal with it for a few minutes, they were all being snowflakes.

StressedToTheMaxx · 10/09/2018 09:06

I would have stopped the car and flung out dh, dm and mil and then carried in home to feed baby.
What supportive twats

Bahhhhhumbug · 10/09/2018 09:17

So youre the taxi for your family and extended family and they re all the giving you grief for not perfectly timing your breastfeeding too for their peace and comfort.
I'd be saying 'sack me, please sack me as family driver and one of you learn to drive or get a taxi'

FinallyHere · 10/09/2018 09:25

Agree with PP that they were competing to show 'how much they love' the baby and how sensitive they are. The question i have is why it is up to you to do the driving and BF. I get the breast feeding.. but why can't one of them channel their distress into something useful, like driving?

As for DH... I hope you show him this thread before asking him what he was thinking, joining in with the really very unhelpful and drama. Why was he being horrid to you, the only person doing well, everything useful.

PlinkPlink · 10/09/2018 09:27

YANBU. You're not hard hearted either.

You're calm and collected and presenting a calm environment for your baby. Not flapping about like a bunch of hysterical chickens. What do they think that behaviour is going to do for the baby?

I would flip it round on them and say "Your behaviour will more than likely make the baby panic as babies pick up on emotions. You are making it worse. And if i have to take 5 minutes to undo my bra so both baby and I are comfortable whilst s/he feeds for 20 minutes, so be it!"

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