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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I too tolerant of newborn crying?

149 replies

Rwanditaliance · 09/09/2018 17:53

I have three DC. The latest one is three weeks old. Today due to driving in the car to somewhere we had to go (and me driving as the only one who drives) the newborn cried because he was hungry. I knew it was probably time to BF him but we only had five mins of the journey left and it was not possible to pull over.

In the car was DH, MIL, and my DM (plus DC) (BIG people carrier.)

In that five minutes, DH, MIL and DM made it very clear they couldn’t stand the sound of him crying. I saw lots of looks at each other and shaking of heads in the rear view mirror. There were several tuts from MIL who asked if she could take him out of his seat and hold him. I said no as it’s against the law. More tuts.

DH eventually piped up - “wow it really doesn’t bother you does it? Weird as it’s supposed to affect mothers the most.” Obviously this has many implications ; the perception that I could just drive, and hard-heartedly tolerate it while everyone else, - brimming with empathy - could not.

I said yes it does bother me, but I’ve told you we’re three minutes away from where I can BF him and, sometimes - in exceptional circumstances - this does happen.

I parked the car at home and MIL jumped out of the passenger seat and fell over in her panic to get out (and get to the baby.) DM rushed over to the baby’s side in a panic to get to him and got in a mess trying to undo his car seat straps, basically winding them further around his arms and torso.

I came and undid them and took him out and walked with him into the house and upstairs. It took me a while to get my bra unstrapped, so he cried further and DH was at the door saying “what are you doing? Stop changing.”

WIBU and cold hearted to not be in a panic like everyone else?

OP posts:

Raven88 · 10/09/2018 09:29

I don't have kids yet and even I could handle a baby crying on the way home. Sounds safer to wait until you are home and there is no way I would BF a baby in a moving car. Your passengers sound a bit nutty.

Dobbythesockelf · 10/09/2018 09:35

Sometimes you have to leave a baby to cry for a few minutes. Do I like hearing my baby cry, obviously not but sometimes needs must. The other day my 3 year old had an accident so I was sorting her out, 9 week old baby woke up and wanted feeding. Cue screaming but dd wasiterally covered in shit so what can you do. I have also waited till we have got home to feed. 5 minutes won't harm anyone. Over the top dramatic nonsense will definitely make the situation worse.

DisneyMillie · 10/09/2018 09:44

IMO they were being ridiculous. My second dd cried everytime she was put in a car seat until she was about 1 but given I had to take my elder dd to school (a 20 min drive away) we just got on with it. It didn’t kill her and thankfully she got over it once she could start to communicate in better ways. You can’t always instantly respond to a crying baby and it was only 5 minutes.

MiniCooperLover · 10/09/2018 09:53

Your DH/MIL and M were being just ridiculous. A 5 min wait is not fun for the baby but sometimes it happens. I had a friend who used to hate hearing my DS gurgle or chat to himself when he was a baby. She'd frown and get really irate that I didn't use a dummy and shove it straight in. He wasn't even crying, just chatting to himself.

Steelesauce · 10/09/2018 10:08

I have 3 under 6 and the baby often gets left to cry for 5 minutes while I make sure the older ones are cared for. She's screamed the full school run before. Babies cry, god help your family if they had to listen to a colic scream for hours!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 10/09/2018 10:33

By the end of the journey, my DM had her head in her hands, DC were asking her what was wrong. DH was wringing his hands and taking elaborate “deep breaths” in the rear view mirror, and MIL was still sighing and tutting. I parked the car at home and MIL jumped out of the passenger seat and fell over in her panic to get out

Fucking hell, what would these people do if they were ever in a genuinely traumatic, high-stress situation like a robbery or a road accident or something?
They all sound completely ridiculous! As for the posters on this thread describing the sound of a baby crying for a few minutes as "traumatising" all I can say is you must have led extremely sheltered lives. I work with children and young people who suffer from actual, medically confirmed PTSD and it really pisses me off when the word traumatic is bandied about so flippantly and mistaken for being the same thing as "a bit unpleasant".

I can't believe that your MIL actually thought that putting your baby's life at risk by getting them out of their carseat while the car was moving would be preferable to them crying for a couple of minutes! Talk about fucked up priorities.
As for your DH, what an undermining and unsupportive twat he is! I would have ripped him a new one as soon as the others were out of earshot. It sounds as though he was playing up to your DM and MIL, making himself look like the superior parent by trying to make you look bad. Pathetic.

LivLemler · 10/09/2018 13:17

I was thinking of this thread as DD cried on the way back from Tesco this morning. They'd never go anywhere with my baby!

LuvSmallDogs · 10/09/2018 14:11

FFS, what a set of neurotic twats you have to deal with. Your DH in particular would be getting a gob full once everyone else was out of earshot.

at PPs handwringing over “traumatic” newborn crying. For about 4-6 months DS1 hated going on the bus, and while I felt bad (for him and the people who had to listen) I didn’t realise I was traumatising people.

Gersemi · 11/09/2018 11:57

The contempt with which you write about your family makes you unreasonable!!

What nonsense. Calling drama llamas drama llamas isn't contempt, it's accurate.

Gersemi · 11/09/2018 12:08

How do you know they don't have any medical conditions?

What medical condition causes you to accuse other people of not caring if they leave a baby to cry for 5 minutes?

The sound of a baby crying is the most traumatising sound there is

You really can't think of any more traumatising sound than that? You might like to talk to people who've been posted to warzones about that.

delphguelph · 11/09/2018 12:14

The sound of a baby crying is the most traumatising sound there is

Not nearly as bad as crashing the car

tickingthebox · 11/09/2018 12:22

Just a thought here....

I would have two different opinions depending on which child I was feeding...

DS1 used to feed for around 1h15mins each time - and yes he was awake!!! There is no doubt I would have driven home, and got comfy before feeding, otherwise in this scenario you would have had 4 adults sat at the side of the road for around an hour. I would have also had to get some water first as once on I was stuck for an extended period.

DS2 on the other hand was a very quick feeder, 5-10 minutes and he was done. I may have pulled over in this case.

Gersemi · 11/09/2018 12:23

Everyone who says they'd have pulled over: did you read the bit where OP says that wasn't possible? Even if she'd gone off the route to find a side road, I suspect that may well have taken more than 5 minutes by the time she found somewhere to park. I also suspect the adults concerned wouldn't have been too keen if they had to wait through a full 30 minute feed and any resulting nappy changes (mine always used to poo at some point during a feed when they were newborn), particularly if they'd been left to amuse the other two children.

Gersemi · 11/09/2018 12:31

It took me a while to get my bra unstrapped, so he cried further and DH was at the door saying “what are you doing? Stop changing.”

OP, I hope you asked him whether he seriously thought you could feed through your bra and shirt.

You seriously need a word with him about his behaviour. I find it incredibly difficult to believe that, by child no. 3, he's never had to cope with leaving a baby to cry for a short time, so he was clearly just playing up to his parents.

woollyheart · 11/09/2018 12:40

They were winding each other up. I would have a word with DH and explain that everyone gets upset by babies crying. Some try to stay calm and get baby to a place where they can resolve the situation. Others get hysterical and make the situation much worse.
Tell him that you are extremely upset by his insensitive behaviour.

eelbecomingforyou · 11/09/2018 12:44

YABU to call them over the top drama queens. Being stuck in a car with a screaming infant would give me a panic attack.

So you can join the drama llama squad as well. God. And what 'medical conditions' would make people react like that to a baby crying???!!

They were completely U.

But I did have a small chuckle at the mental picture of your MIL falling out of the car.

eelbecomingforyou · 11/09/2018 12:45

The sound of a baby crying is the most traumatising sound there is

You really can't think of any more traumatising sound than that? You might like to talk to people who've been posted to warzones about that.

YY, @Gersemi

DebbysMum · 11/09/2018 12:49

They weren't being empathetic nor were you being cold hearted, they were simply annoyed by the crying but didn't feel like they could say that they simply wanted you to shut him up as quickly as possible so he stopped annoying them. End of.

corythatwas · 11/09/2018 12:58

Pulling over in an unsafe position would more than likely cause rather more traumatising sounds than a baby crying.

Stressing the driver out by accusing her of being uncaring to her newborn baby could also have led to a dangerous situation with as above- except it sounds like this OP has her shit together.

The fact that neither the MIL or the dh does a thing about reassuring the older children that nothing bad is happening here suggests that they are not exactly the most caring people on the planet.

The fact that the dh is on his third child and still knows sod all about breastfeeding also suggests he may not have been the most hands-on of dads. If he gets into such a flat about a baby crying for no serious reasons, how has he coped when having to deal with the elder ones' illnesses, accidents etc? (think I might be able to guess the answer here)

BakedBeans47 · 11/09/2018 13:09

Am I the only one who doesn’t find a baby crying distressing, heartbreaking, and traumatic? Annoying and eardrum splitting yes. Especially if they’re only hungry/tired/bored or whatever. Jeez babies cry, that’s what they do!

peachgreen · 11/09/2018 13:45

I'm so glad you posted this OP because I'm exactly the same and I've been worrying I'm just a terrible person!

Thing is, if my daughter is crying, I pretty much always know why, and I know what I can do to fix it. Therefore I stay calm. Me getting upset isn't going to get her fed or changed any faster (quite the opposite) and I know she's essentially just saying "hey, Mummy, I'm hungry / tired / bored" etc so I don't see that there's anything to panic about!

The only exception is when she's crying in pain with teething etc - that upsets me - but even then I try and stay calm myself because it's my job to make her feel better, not express my emotions all over her!

RiverTam · 11/09/2018 13:48

As you appear to be the designated driver of the family I’d simply stop giving them lifts.

MaryDollNesbitt · 11/09/2018 14:07

I think anyone pulling over to feed a baby when they have 5 fudging minutes to go until they get home is bloody potty, sorry. How precious can you get?! It's not always possible to snap to attention immediately. Is it nice to listen to a baby crying? No, of course not. But guess what? Sometimes they have to wait. That's life. Tough shit.

I could understand pulling over to feed (if safe to do so) if you had a fair way to go until you got home or if there was an underlying problem/illness, etc. with your baby, but five minutes? I think your family sound like a massive bunch of dramatic lunatics, OP. And I'd be reading your DH the fucking riot act as soon as everybody else had left for being such a twat.

for you. You're not cold hearted at all.

Gigis · 11/09/2018 21:41

@bakedbeans I'm with you there. The only time I've felt that gut wrenching pang because of crying was when my daughter was poorly and just miserable. Crying because they're hungry, bored etc if I'm driving and can't stop doesn't make me go all mushy and concerned, it bloody pisses me off!

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