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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I too tolerant of newborn crying?

149 replies

Rwanditaliance · 09/09/2018 17:53

I have three DC. The latest one is three weeks old. Today due to driving in the car to somewhere we had to go (and me driving as the only one who drives) the newborn cried because he was hungry. I knew it was probably time to BF him but we only had five mins of the journey left and it was not possible to pull over.

In the car was DH, MIL, and my DM (plus DC) (BIG people carrier.)

In that five minutes, DH, MIL and DM made it very clear they couldn’t stand the sound of him crying. I saw lots of looks at each other and shaking of heads in the rear view mirror. There were several tuts from MIL who asked if she could take him out of his seat and hold him. I said no as it’s against the law. More tuts.

DH eventually piped up - “wow it really doesn’t bother you does it? Weird as it’s supposed to affect mothers the most.” Obviously this has many implications ; the perception that I could just drive, and hard-heartedly tolerate it while everyone else, - brimming with empathy - could not.

I said yes it does bother me, but I’ve told you we’re three minutes away from where I can BF him and, sometimes - in exceptional circumstances - this does happen.

By the end of the journey, my DM had her head in her hands, DC were asking her what was wrong. DH was wringing his hands and taking elaborate “deep breaths” in the rear view mirror, and MIL was still sighing and tutting.

I parked the car at home and MIL jumped out of the passenger seat and fell over in her panic to get out (and get to the baby.) DM rushed over to the baby’s side in a panic to get to him and got in a mess trying to undo his car seat straps, basically winding them further around his arms and torso.

I came and undid them and took him out and walked with him into the house and upstairs. It took me a while to get my bra unstrapped, so he cried further and DH was at the door saying “what are you doing? Stop changing.”

WIBU and cold hearted to not be in a panic like everyone else?

OP posts:
Amirite · 09/09/2018 19:06

They were being ridiculous, unhelpful and unsupportive! I have twins and my mantra for the first year of their life was that sometimes one of you will just have to cry for a bit. That included me btw Grin

Isadora2007 · 09/09/2018 19:07

I don’t believe it was 5 minutes. And yes I’d pull over and feed baby if necessary and have done multiple times. With all four of my babies- they didn’t get less important as the next one came along. In fact I recall being stuck in a similar scenario and I got out the car and let DH drive the other kids the 5 minutes- I fed baby and then walked.
If you were so close you could have done similar or let DH or a grandparent walk.
A tiny baby crying is heartbreaking.

SoyDora · 09/09/2018 19:08

Why don’t you believe it was 5 minutes?

enbh · 09/09/2018 19:08

Oh god OP they sound blood mad! YANBU at all!! I'd have done the same, and bloody shame on MIL asking if she could take baby out of car seat, that's downright dangerous.

AssassinatedBeauty · 09/09/2018 19:08

Well yes, presumably some people stop and feed even if 5 minutes from home. But both choices are fine, and the response from the other adults in the car was unhelpful and over dramatic. The response from the husband at home was totally unnecessary and I'm impressed that the OP didn't respond more harshly towards him.

crispysausagerolls · 09/09/2018 19:12

My baby screams in the car because he hates not being held. He’s not hungry; he not tired, he just wants to be held. What can I do? I have to just drive and grit my teeth and hate it, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to do things HE enjoys like swimming for babies. I would be fucking furious with all
of them, especially your DH with his comments - I can imagine that you feel like a shit mother because of them and how dare they make you feel that way. YWNBU.

sobloodyitchy · 09/09/2018 19:13

I think I'd be absolutely fuming. They sound horribly inconsiderate of your feelings to be honest.

Arrowfanatic · 09/09/2018 19:14

With my first baby I would have been panicking that she was so distressed from clearly starving to death in the back seat but if I were just 5 minutes from home would still have left her there till we got back and could feed in comfort. By the time number 3 came along, well sometimes she just had to scream. Maybe I was driving, maybe I was changing the nappies of my other two, or maybe I was cooking something that I couldn't really stop and feed for (cheese sauce, stop stirring for a nanosecond and the damned thing burns to the saucepan) and you know what, she's a healthy happy 6 year old.

Your family were being over dramatic and so are some of the other PPs. No baby dies from crying for a boob for a few minutes. I've fed in some interesting places in my days but pulling over to the side of a road 5 minutes from home isn't one of them.

sobloodyitchy · 09/09/2018 19:17

Some of Mumsnet's finest on this thread. There aren't enough eyeroll emoji in the world.

MongerTruffle · 09/09/2018 19:19

YANBU
The sound of a baby crying is the most traumatising sound there is, but when you were five minutes away from home there wasn't much you could do.

DameSylvieKrin · 09/09/2018 19:24

Has your DH spent enough time looking after your children? Seems like he should know that the reasonable thing to do us to wait the few minutes until you get home. Or was he putting on a display for your mothers?

WTFdidwedo · 09/09/2018 19:24

My 4 month old has always hated the car seat but now is so bad she screams as soon as I open the door to put her in. In the past six weeks I have not driven anywhere without her screaming. Her record is 30 minutes without a break. At this stage there is no longer anything I can do for her. It upsets me and probably raises my blood pressure to dangerously high levels but unfortunately some journeys are necessary, and with two children under 2 I have absolutely no choice.

When other people get in the car it does really bother them so I can understand why others might notice it more than you. I can zone it out somewhat lately.

MrBull · 09/09/2018 19:24

They were all being ridiculous!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 09/09/2018 19:25

How utterly ridiculous of all of those with you. You were practically at the destination.

Good on you for carry on and just getting home. As for your mil and mother making such a drama out of leaving the car that was just childish and over dramatic

FrayedHem · 09/09/2018 19:26

You aren't hard-hearted, just sensible. Same can't be said for the adults in the car today.

I had to learn to zone it out whilst driving. DS3 was terrible in the car but the eldest 2 were in a school where I had to drive. I could cope with the screaming, I would not be so tolerant of the adults in this scenario and would have invited them to get out and walk. Your husband's comment about stop getting changed was especially dickish.

Jaxhog · 09/09/2018 19:26

YANBU. Unless there was a volunteer to take over the driving AND a safe place to stop to do it, what else could you do?

Next time, find somewhere to stop, and chuck the lot of them out of the car!

museumum · 09/09/2018 19:27

In that situation my boobs would have been spouting down my top before we got to the house but needs must. Are you the only competent adult in the house? Why are you the only driver? When my ds was 3 weeks old i couldn’t have handled also being chauffeur to the extended family.

Fairylea · 09/09/2018 19:27

When is it NOT time to feed a newborn? Grin

They’re being nuts.

Yes the sound of a newborn crying does drive me crazy but it’s not as if he’s being left to starve in a bush somewhere. He is loved and cared for and will be fed very soon.

There’s been plenty of times I’ve had to leave my dc for a few mins or more at that age because they decided to cry hysterically at the time I was in the shower / having a poo / driving. That’s life!

Gigis · 09/09/2018 19:30

Oof they want to be in the car with me when I'm driving with 5 month old dd. If she's been fed and changed at the start of a journey I'll let her howl for ages before pulling over. She just hates the car seat and usually eventually falls asleep. Would have absolutely done what you did in your situation, ywnbu.

0hCrepe · 09/09/2018 19:31

What drama queens!!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/09/2018 19:31

I think the main caregiver does become 's bit more immune to it than other people because they are in more situations by themselves when they have to let the baby cry for a few minutes - going to the loo, dealing with older kids etc. Sounds like they were all winding each other up over it as well! Don't think you wbu waiting 5 min to feed

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/09/2018 19:40

"DH eventually piped up - “wow it really doesn’t bother you does it? Weird as it’s supposed to affect mothers the most.” Obviously this has many implications ; the perception that I could just drive, and hard-heartedly tolerate it while everyone else, - brimming with empathy - could not. "

I would be reading the fucking Riot Act to my husband for his behaviour today! Grandstanding like that in front of both your mothers - what an unsupportive arse. And then his “what are you doing? Stop changing.” from behind the door whilst you struggle with brastraps - again, what an unsupportive arse.

As for the mothers, they were bad enough, but he should have been shutting them down, not encouraging them.

Oh, and I would be starting every car journey from now on with a lecture (before you unlock the doors, make them stand in the cold) about how you do not appreciate unhelpful tutting and ridiculous comments, and that should any of this happen you will be pulling over and ejecting the miscreants. (And yes, I bloody well would do just that!)

TeddyIsaHe · 09/09/2018 19:43

Love that you're having to drive everyone around 3 weeks after giving birth and they're all being inconsiderate twits. I do hope they at least brought you a drink and something to eat whilst you were bf?

YWNBU, although I'd have told them all to shut the fuck up and stop being so ridiculous. How do they ever manage to get anything done with all the dramatics?

eggsandwich · 09/09/2018 19:45

I’m quite good at filtering whinnying and crying unless it’s obvious that there is something wrong.

My ds has special needs and when he was young he cried for know obvious reason and my god it was consistently loud and for long periods until he calmed down, I got use to it so eventually it didn’t bother me too much, but I think it would possibly be different with someone else’s child at the time.

puzzledlady · 09/09/2018 19:48

They sound absolutely ridiculous.