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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I too tolerant of newborn crying?

149 replies

Rwanditaliance · 09/09/2018 17:53

I have three DC. The latest one is three weeks old. Today due to driving in the car to somewhere we had to go (and me driving as the only one who drives) the newborn cried because he was hungry. I knew it was probably time to BF him but we only had five mins of the journey left and it was not possible to pull over.

In the car was DH, MIL, and my DM (plus DC) (BIG people carrier.)

In that five minutes, DH, MIL and DM made it very clear they couldn’t stand the sound of him crying. I saw lots of looks at each other and shaking of heads in the rear view mirror. There were several tuts from MIL who asked if she could take him out of his seat and hold him. I said no as it’s against the law. More tuts.

DH eventually piped up - “wow it really doesn’t bother you does it? Weird as it’s supposed to affect mothers the most.” Obviously this has many implications ; the perception that I could just drive, and hard-heartedly tolerate it while everyone else, - brimming with empathy - could not.

I said yes it does bother me, but I’ve told you we’re three minutes away from where I can BF him and, sometimes - in exceptional circumstances - this does happen.

By the end of the journey, my DM had her head in her hands, DC were asking her what was wrong. DH was wringing his hands and taking elaborate “deep breaths” in the rear view mirror, and MIL was still sighing and tutting.

I parked the car at home and MIL jumped out of the passenger seat and fell over in her panic to get out (and get to the baby.) DM rushed over to the baby’s side in a panic to get to him and got in a mess trying to undo his car seat straps, basically winding them further around his arms and torso.

I came and undid them and took him out and walked with him into the house and upstairs. It took me a while to get my bra unstrapped, so he cried further and DH was at the door saying “what are you doing? Stop changing.”

WIBU and cold hearted to not be in a panic like everyone else?

OP posts:

househunthappening · 09/09/2018 19:50

You are fine, they were being ridiculous.

Of course it's not nice hearing a baby cry, but you were being practical. Don't worry.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/09/2018 19:50

YWNBU

The other children may have learnt some new swear words today.

H would have got round 2 after that fuckwit comment about changing.

I would have let them have all barrels about being the only actual competent adult there that could drive, and to shut up before they found themselves walking home 😡🤬

gemsparkle84 · 09/09/2018 19:52

Next time suggest If they all wanted to get out and walk so you could lighten the load and get home quicker so you could feed baby. Yes stressful but a cool head is needed at times like this sounds like you kept yours

tillytrotter1 · 09/09/2018 19:55

The sound of a baby crying is the most traumatising sound there is,

Some people need to a) get out more b) learn the definition of traumatised, it doesn't mean 'a bit upsetting'.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 09/09/2018 20:00

“Didn't one of them try to distract the baby! Singing, playing a video on phone, anything?”

Agree with this. If you are in the back with the baby, the whole point of you is to try and reassure or comfort them on the journey. You may not be able to stop the crying, but you can make an effort

SnuggyBuggy · 09/09/2018 20:01

I'm really angry on your behalf OP. I hate when I have to let my baby cry and a load of grown adults making into their own personal drama would have made me lose my shit. YANBU to keep baby safely in a car seat and get home ASAP.

53rdWay · 09/09/2018 20:04

God they sound worse than the baby. Tell them to belt up and try distracting/comforting the baby next time you’re nearly home, instead of a dramatic performance that’s only going to upset the other children as well.

Sarahani · 09/09/2018 20:04

With my first I would probably been like your DH and MIL. I pulled over so many times when driving to feed.

Subsequent DC have to wait for whatever reason and I'm surprised they do precious used it to tbh. It's very unreasonable to make you feel shit about it.

Rockhopper81 · 09/09/2018 20:07

I cannot believe not one of them tried to comfort baby in the back - so MIL was close enough to ask if she could remove him from his car seat in a moving car (not even going to go there, as it's just so obviously ridiculous), but couldn't think to stroke his face, pat him gently, or even give him a clean finger to suck on if she thought he was so desperately starving?!

I have contorted myself into positions I didn't know was even possible to try and calm my baby niece in her seat behind the front passenger seat (and I'm a fatty, so really, I've no idea how I do it), but I do it to be helpful and try and comfort her in the few minutes until we get to wherever we're going. Your husband couldn't try and comfort his son somehow?

You were right, and although the baby cried, no lasting harm was done (although your mental health has taken a bit of a battering). They need to get a grip - they should be supporting you, not ganging up on you. Most of all your husband - I'd be ripping him a new one over it all as well.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/09/2018 20:08

Yanbu. Bloody ridiculous.

MazDazzle · 09/09/2018 20:09

Dickheads the lot of them! Especially your DH.

glintandglide · 09/09/2018 20:10

Crying never really bothered me either- unless I knew baby was in genuine distress - I think we’re all Different. Good thing too!

SoftSheen · 09/09/2018 20:14

YANBU. However, at 3 weeks old I would probably have pulled over and breastfed at the side of the road, if it was safe to do so. 5 mins of crying can feel like a lot longer.

Littlemissdaredevil · 09/09/2018 20:15

I would have kept going if I was less than 5 mins from home. If you had stopped to feed the baby presumable the other 2 DC would have moaned that they were hungry/thirsty/cold/needed the loo, etc

BrendasUmbrella · 09/09/2018 20:29

They were all winding each other up.

If they were that upset, why not pull over so you could feed him? Was this an isolated incident or do your family members enjoy piling on you about things that are not in your power?

It barely needs stating, but of course you were right to put your baby's safety over the eardrum comfort of the other adults in the car for a few minutes!

LouHotel · 09/09/2018 20:31

I would be getting my DH some driving lessons for Christmas after a stunt like that.

What utter berks - bfing a newborn isnt a quick feed to calm them down, if you had pulled over would they have been happy to wait 30 to 40 mins?

Haireverywhere · 09/09/2018 20:32

YWNBU.

User467 · 09/09/2018 20:41

You're a practised mummy who is very used to recognising which cries need immediate attention and which don't. You have to meet everyone's needs and sometimes that means baby cries for a little bit longer so you can get to a point where you can focus on them. There's zero need to pull the car over, or worse take the baby out his car seat, when you are minutes from home.

Benjaminbuttonschild · 09/09/2018 20:53

Wow! I have no words!

Fucking nuts, the lot of them.

Benjaminbuttonschild · 09/09/2018 20:55

I'm looking back I both breast fed and formula fed. I'm sure I left my sons crying at some stage or another for probably ten minutes or so whilst I ran a freshly made bottle of formula under a cold tap to cool it down. It didn't kill them to wait that long.

5 mins is nothing!

ethelfleda · 09/09/2018 21:12

Actually, I don’t find the sound of a newborn crying and distressing as a slightly older baby - when the cries can be more urgent.

I wouldn’t have pulled over for that but I have pulled over for DS when he was hysterical. It was just him and me in the car and we had been stuck in traffic and I couldn’t stop. He was so upset that I pulled over as soon as I could to calm him down and bf him. He was about 6months ish at the time and it was less than 5 minutes from home. He cried because he hated the car seat. I was convinced he was in pain, his crying was that bad. So we bought him a new car seat and he hasn’t gotten upset in the car since.
That’s what worries me about babies - are they just protesting or are they in actual pain??

I’ve completely digressed there, apologies.

On a side note, the constant use of ‘drama llama’ is making me cringe.

Yourcupwillneverempty · 09/09/2018 22:16

What a horrible situation, it sounds like the 'adults' were enjoying outdoing each other on how much they love the baby. I've left both my babies to cry for a few minutes if I needed to nip to the loo before sitting down to feed (better than disturbing them just after a feed if they were sleepy/ waking them up to put them down once fed and asleep), getting bits together to go out and push them in the pram when I knew they were tired and would sleep once we were off etc. My first hated being in the car when I was driving from 2/3 weeks old as I'd sit in the back with her holding her hand or sticking her dummy in if DH was driving, we had to go out so she just had to wait until we got to wherever we were going. It wasn't nice but crashing would be less nice. If I were you I'd have gone downstairs after the baby was fed and made it very clear to all involved that I was thoroughly pissed off with them, trying to put the baby in a dangerous situation by getting him out in a moving car and falling over themselves to get to him as though you just didn't care that he was crying was very upsetting and that once home they should have stood back, dealt with the other children and let YOU deal with YOUR crying baby who you weren't just letting cry for some sort of shitty mother entertainment by the way. And I'd have told them in no uncertain terms that none of them would be driven by you with dc's in the car anymore because they all made a bad situation worse which could affect your concentration further than having your own newborn screaming and the consequences could have been awful. Oh and no, getting a hungry baby out to feed it by the side of the road isn't preferable to driving 5 mins to get it home. And then I'd have stormed off back upstairs with my baby. And made passive aggressive comments to DH for about a week whilst not being his friend but then I'm a bitch like that

BunsOfAnarchy · 10/09/2018 03:06

They should all dress up like that little girl in the headlice advert currently on tv.

Overdramatic!

FWIW i BF on demand and my daughter has hated the car seat from day 1 so she kicks off like im torturing her. Id probably stop and feed now at 22 weeks if DD crying bloody murder 5 mins away from home because she feeds for about 5 mins now, but not at 3 weeks, id rather go home as she was feeding for near an hour whilst building up my supply back then!

Tell DH to sort himself out. His reaction was ridiculous.

brookshelley · 10/09/2018 03:11

YWNBU. My MIL is the same way, if a baby is crying for more than 30 secs she starts to get all dramatic and moaning "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE BABY OH NO OH I CAN'T STAND THE CRYING". As if a baby crying isn't bad enough, to have to deal with an adult's nonsense at the same time. If we didn't tolerate a few minutes of crying we'd never eat, sleep, use the toilet, drive, etc.

BunsOfAnarchy · 10/09/2018 03:13

Actually. On second thought. I probably still wouldnt stop now at 22 weeks if i was 5 mins away from home. Id expect the rest of the 'family' to act like family and distract/sing/play if they cant stand baby crying.

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