My 20-year-old son is clever, funny and can be kind and loving. However, he failed most of his GCSEs because he didn't turn up/revise and basically since then has done very little. He did a Duke of Edinburgh course when he was 16. He's had a few jobs in hospitality that he's left or been sacked from after a month or two because he fails to turn up/be on time/takes holidays and doesn't go back etc.
He lives at home and talks a good talk about setting up various businesses, getting interim jobs, making music -( he does do this).
He clearly craves my attention and loves nothing more than a day out with me and his younger sister (13-years-old). He has lots of friends and other people who meet him think he's funny and bright but just immature. People endlessly tell me to give him time.
I encourage him to look for work, have said I will support him (and pay for) him going back into education. However, he'd clearly prefer to play fortnite through the night in him room, sleep all day and then make encouraging noises about all the jobs he's applied for or interviews he's got but they rarely materialise if they existed at all.
Like his dad he knows how to emotionally manipulate me (I know he's doing it and it still ties me in knots) and often has very plausible reasons/excuses for not doing/doing something that once again means he's not working.
He received almost £30,000 from his dad;s estate earlier this year and spent it within four months (I asked his dad's family not to give it to him directly but they wouldn't listen).
He clearly can get jobs but can't/won't keep them and doesn't seem to understand that whatever his career choice in the future doing ANY job now is better than non from prospective employers point of view not to mention his own finances and self-esteem.
HOWEVER:
To set all this into context his dad was an emotionally abusive alcoholic and I didn't find the strength or have the resources to leave him until 7 years ago. He died a couple of years ago.
My daughter was born in 2005 and I now see my son felt abandoned not only by his dad (he had a poor relationship with my son and never spent any time with him just bought him lots of stuff) but also me, his mum.
Of course at the time I didn't see this and not a day goes by that I don't feel guilty for not only staying in such a dysfunctional relationship/bringing children into that relationship /not getting out and protecting the my son, and subsequently my daughter from it sooner.
The reality of living with an emotionally abusive partner and alcoholic also meant that I don't think I was the best parent. I'd also be over emotional and probably shouted at my son too much. I also hate myself for this too.
When I finally left that relationship - my son was then 13/14 - i soon met a lovely man (his daughter and my son were friends) who was understanding of mine and my kid's situ and caring.
I made a massive mistake of inviting him to move in with us while my son was on an extended holiday so when he came back, this new man (albeit one he had known for a couple of years) was in situ in our house.
Pair that with the typical troubled teen behaviour and several years of hate and interference of an alcoholic father in denial, and it was a toxic mix.
Fastforward to this year and my son and partner have a very on/off relationship. My son is still resentful that my partner is here doesn't hide that very well even when they are getting on. On the other hand my partner, unhindered by my guilt and motherly emotions, says I am allowing my son to get away with emotional manipulation and acting like a child when he should be embracing some aspects of adult-hood - ie getting a job and being thoughtful about the needs of others.
My son isn't inclined to listen much to him because the nature of my partners work means I am the chief breadwinner and my son says why should be listen to someone who isn't in his view fully paying his way.
My daughter has a good relationship with my partner but I see my son is trying to poison that too but emotionally manipulating her into believing he is the injured party. This really isn't true.
Sorry for the long post.
I don't even know what I'm asking tbh....I suppose I'm interested in thoughts and opinions from anyone who's been in a similar situ and if anyone can point me in the direction of professional help that will make me stronger to deal with my son's manipulation.
Unfortunately we live in London were rent is so high that simply paying a month's rent and deposit on a room for him and kicking him out isn't really an option - but all suggestions very gratefully received. This is the first time I've ever posted here - please be gentle.