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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is quite a lot to come up with?

231 replies

Hbcb333 · 08/09/2018 17:00

One of my best friends is getting married in a year and I’m one of the bridesmaids, although it is the maid of honour who is organising the hen do. We (those not organising but attending) have not been told anything about it in terms of location/duration/likely approximate cost etc until today when a message was sent to the group WhatsApp. It’s three days abroad and a deposit of £150 is required within a month from now, plus flights and obviously spending money. I’m panicking a bit as I’m a single parent and £150 is an awful lot of money to me, especially with only a month to pay. As for the rest, I can hopefully save it somehow over the next year but AIBU unreasonable to think this is a lot, especially the deposit and the time given to pay it? I can’t not go, as I said, I’m a bridesmaid and I would be devastated to not go to my dear friend’s hen do so I’ll have to make it happen somehow, I just feel really stressed and worried now!

OP posts:
WerewolfNumber1 · 09/09/2018 18:54

@butterflysugarbaby - yeah I know, it was insane. Fortunately for us that would normally be our holiday budget, so it was manageable. But I did make clear to DH we weren’t getting sucked into anything like that again!

Cardiganandcuppa · 09/09/2018 19:02

OP if the MoH doesnt come up with a cheaper option I would say to the bride that you just cant afford to go but would like to take her out for afternoon tea or something just the two of you.

toxic44 · 09/09/2018 19:06

There's no reason to be ashamed of not having money to spend on frivolities. There's no reason to feel awkward about not wanting to spend like that, even if you can afford it. It sounds a silly, show-off amount to me, almost daring people to say it's too much. What's a hen night, in any case? It's the wedding day that's the main show and you can't spend the same money twice. Well done for saying No.

Fififerry1 · 09/09/2018 19:10

My daughter recently went on a 5 day joint stag/hen. They had to pay everything for the stag and hen whilst there. Absolute madness and everyone came home feeling disgruntled. Mine was scampi in a basket at a drag club. Wouldn’t necessarily recommend but at £10 a head at least we could all afford it!

Smudge100 · 09/09/2018 19:12

That‘s ridiculous. People are having to remortgage their freakin houses just because a friend gets married! The whole hen party/wedding thing has got totally out of hand.

Jaxhog · 09/09/2018 19:14

Result!! I bet the other seven are so relieved you sent your note.

CoolCarrie · 09/09/2018 19:21

My hen do was a meal at a lovely restaurant and a piss up at the best gay disco in the city, brilliant time and not silly money. These hen weekends and weeks are totally ridiculous. Hopefully one night piss ups will become fashionable again.

CoolCarrie · 09/09/2018 19:22

You did the right thing op and I bet all the others are grateful.

isabella2 · 09/09/2018 19:28

Definitely did the right thing, we have a max budget of £150 for hen/stag dos to include everything including travel, whoever it is. Not spending more than that - we seem to go to loads between us every year, so the cost of hen/stags plus weddings cost us a lot!

Nikephorus · 09/09/2018 19:34

The others will probably be volunteering to pay your share of the revised plans!

BarryTheKestrel · 09/09/2018 19:35

Well done OP. You've given others the courage to not put themselves into debt for a weekend away. Hopefully MOH will come back with something much cheaper.

For my hen a few of us went to a beauty place in the afternoon for nails and a massage, then we met everyone for a meal around 7pm and then a pub crawl round town. We did fancy dress at the insistence of the bridesmaids, but they picked a half decent theme. All worked out well....and cheap!

I'm MOH for a close friend next year and the hen is a bit of an issue as we live in Devon but her entire family and life long friends are up north, so we are planning a meet in the middle weekend, hopefully as cheaply as possible! I will be using MN for suggestions and advice when it comes to the actual planning!

SenoritaViva · 09/09/2018 19:35

DH was once invited to a stag do, three days skiing, luxury everything, over £1 without drinks and food. DH earns a very decent salary but that was just ridiculous!

Think we need to stand up for this ridiculousness of pricey hens!

Timeisslippingaway · 09/09/2018 19:38

Ahhh this drives me bloody nut, since when did hen and stag nights turn in to weekends and weeks abroad? It's so selfish of the people getting married yo expect guests yo pay for it, people don't like to say no as they don't want to offend their friends. It should be banned!

puzzledlady · 09/09/2018 19:42

Well done for speaking up op. My sister organised my hen do - and I told her it was just to be a nice meal in a restaurant with a few people - nothing big etc. There were about 15 of us and we had a great evening, cost about 60 dollars plus drinks. No idea where all these expensive hen dos are coming from!

LollyPopsApple · 09/09/2018 19:43

I don’t see a problem with pricy hen and stag dos as long as it’s made clear to invitees that it’s completely optional and the bride and groom pay their own way. I don’t have an issue with a social group who decide on something extravagant they can all afford. The issues come when people are invited and feel pressured to go to things they can’t afford. And if someone has a pricy do then I think it’s just good manners to organise a simple evening out like a meal or drinks so everyone else can celebrate who wants to but couldn’t afford the expensive trip.

Just wanted to add a counterpoint to all of the judgment on here about expensive hen and stag dos. I’m sure everyone would agree with my points though and it’s the awful culture of mandatory expensive weekends and weeks away that people feel forced into that’s the real problem.

AspieHere · 09/09/2018 19:44

God I hate it when others spend my money for me! Thank goodness you spoke up. When will this hen and stag do farce end!

therealimposter · 09/09/2018 19:49

You need to be at the wedding and not the hen do if it's going to be that ridiculous. Say you won't be going and arrange something of your own to do with the bride.

Fiveletters · 09/09/2018 19:52

Any news on the total cost OP?

expatmigrant · 09/09/2018 19:54

Been to a few hen nights home & abroad but I honestly have to say the best one was in Blackpool. Stayed at Pontins or Butlins. Lovely warm room (in October). Went on the rides on the Saturday and then to Funny Girls Drag club. So much more fun than a night in a city or spa weekend. Literally had a blast. Could barely open my eyes on the Sunday and had to drive back to London.
Cheapest hen weekend and by far the best.
You should suggest it OP instead of some fancy weekend that everybody will begrudge paying for.

HonestReally · 09/09/2018 19:54

There's no reason to be ashamed of not having money to spend on frivolities

There is also no reason to be embarrassed about not wanting to spend money on frivolities even if you can afford it.

I’m always shocked at how many people are too shy to ask about costs and to say something when they don’t want to spend so much. I wouldn’t dream of saying yes to something I didn’t want to do.

BTW I wouldn’t ever want to pay for the bride. I’d happily buy a wedding but I wouldn’t want to pay for a bride to attend her own hen party. I would not have allowed any of my pals to do that for me.

kentparent · 09/09/2018 20:07

No one should feel obliged to spend money on a hen do like this. Taking out a loan is a ridiculous suggestion. Save your money for your children or a treat you will enjoy properly and don't give it a second thought. A real friend will understand and anyone else's opinion is not important.

GabsAlot · 09/09/2018 20:08

my dsis hen night was one day u didnt have to even do all of it

afternoon tea 15 pounds then cocktail making and nibbles another 25 but like i said noone was forced t do both or either

some people just want to look like if they spend alot they look better as a friend its pathetic

keyboardkate · 09/09/2018 20:14

There should be no more of this surprise for the bride bollix.

Bridie (if they are not a diva) should give struct instrictions (lol), that it should be affordable, local and a great night out. End of story.

Sooner or later the penny will drop when no one turns up to these ridiculous three day events. But in fairness, I think a lot of the organisers get carried away without consulting with Bridie, or the potential hens!

There is no way I would attend a hen thing that was more than a night out now. Too expensive, too difficult family wise and all the rest of it.

And all forgotten within a week too!

1CantPickAName · 09/09/2018 20:24

OP, let us know what the final plans are

INeedNewShoes · 09/09/2018 20:28

Good for you OP! It sounds like others are breathing a sigh of relief that you've led the way in saying it's too much.

I once co-organised a hen weekend where the basic cost per head was £16.50 to cover food and alcohol for two nights. There were then opt-in activities of a trip to Bath Spa (£22) followed by a cheap and cheerful lunch out. Everyone enjoyed it and no one had to get stressed about money. I'm still smug about it now Grin

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