To think this is quite a lot to come up with?

[Hbcb333]

One of my best friends is getting married in a year and I’m one of the bridesmaids, although it is the maid of honour who is organising the hen do. We (those not organising but attending) have not been told anything about it in terms of location/duration/likely approximate cost etc until today when a message was sent to the group WhatsApp. It’s three days abroad and a deposit of £150 is required within a month from now, plus flights and obviously spending money. I’m panicking a bit as I’m a single parent and £150 is an awful lot of money to me, especially with only a month to pay. As for the rest, I can hopefully save it somehow over the next year but AIBU unreasonable to think this is a lot, especially the deposit and the time given to pay it? I can’t not go, as I said, I’m a bridesmaid and I would be devastated to not go to my dear friend’s hen do so I’ll have to make it happen somehow, I just feel really stressed and worried now!

Place marking to see what MOH has to say! I think in this situation if she doesn't change the plans I'd message the bride to say sorry you can't make it due to budget but you'd like to do something fun before the wedding!

i find it so annoying to spend all that money on something you don’t really want to do with people you don’t know.
I had dinner and drinks with close friends, lovely, memorable and fun and no one had to feel stressed about cash
Well done for speaking up op

Just say No, don't give reason bridesmaid or not. Don't feel worried or guilty. Stand firm. This wedding stuff is getting out of hand and 2 minutes later they will be divorced and you will still be in debt. The bride will understand if not ditch her 😊

The poster who suggested the loan is a known troll if you see her replies on other threads, surprised people don’t know this as it’s led to a lot of wasted responses lol.

I think it must be difficult to decline if you say "budget or costs"

It can be humiliating. But the reality is, it only takes one person with balls to say it, and then everyone else will breathe a sigh of relief and follow through with you.

Honestly, not very many people want to spend hundreds on a gig like this, when that wasted money could be far better spent. But the herd mentality survives sometimes.

Good on you OP.

Good on you op for sticking up for yourself and the now 8 people that are also in the same position as you

Well done op! More people need to do this! I'm sure many people end up going to these things out of politeness. I've declined several over the years which would have costed me a small fortune. I really don't see the need for it. The best hen do I have ever been to was just a meal in the local Chinese!

Personally I think the bride should always pick up the tab for expensive hen dos like this, at least flights and accommodation, at any rate.

Well done for speaking up OP!

I never understand why these hen do’s have to cost so much.

I always said if I ever got married (still waiting for him to put a ring on it) then I would organise the hen do myself and not leave it to someone else to sort out. That way I could ensure costs are controlled and nobody is being asked to pay anything they can’t afford (and certainly not bloody paying for me!).

Nothing wrong with a weekend away for hen do’s as long as it is not expensive, within everyone’s budget and people can easily afford it and nobody feels stretched. And there are plenty of cottages in the UK you can hire that would cost peanuts compared to some of the ridiculous amounts I’ve seen. £150 deposit?? GTF outta here! Utterly ridiculous. And why the need to go abroad?

My ex best friends hen do, we hired a big cottage in Devon for 2 nights for all of us and it cost us £60 each for the entire weekend and we all bought our own drinks and then just chipped in a pre agreed amount of £10 each towards food for all of us for the weekend and went shopping for food for everyone. And it was arranged well in advance so everyone had plenty of time to get their £60 together.

Well done for speaking up OP - definitely sounds like you were in the majority and lots of people will be thanking you for saving them having to be the first one to say it was too much.

The other thing about paying for the bride to go too - is if people start to drop out, then the bride's share becomes more and more expensive as it gets split between fewer and fewer people, making it more likely that others need to drop out and then as there are fewer going, making it more difficult to drop out as the person organising it says that you can't as they need the people to pay to do all the things she wants to do rather than the bride.

Do you live locally enough to be able to suggest a few cheaper ideas and to throw it open to others - so maybe lunch / afternoon / evening options that the others can add to or say what they would like or other ideas and budgets - if you don't mention a night away, see if anyone does - you might find lots of people are very glad just to do an afternoon making chocolates and then a nice meal afterwards for example!

The annoying thing is, the MOH is probably feeling really pissed off, due to all the organising she's no doubt done.

And yes, it is a time-sucker to be the one to organise this sort of thing. But to do it without even gauging what other people's preferences and budgets are, is insane. She's really got no-one to blame but herself.

And I can only assume she's child-free if she thinks three days/nights away is something people can do without thinking.

Lesson learnt for the MOH - don't spend other people's money without consulting them first.

If I was the bride, I'd be beyond mortified by this.

I've been to lots of hen do's, one nighters, weekends and trips abroad and have never been expected to pay for the bride, and wouldn't have expected or wanted anyone to pay for me at nine either. I always buy her a drink or two, and at my own found I was forcefully turning drinks down or I wouldn't have been able to stand, but I would've been horrified if my MOH suggested I was paid for and mine wasn't a weekend away!

OP that's great well done fir speaking up. Bet the others are grateful you did. This reminds ne of the film Bridesmaids thats been on again recently.

I agree you need to know the whole cost now. It may not be attainable, plus do you family that look after the kids? You need dates, location, and checking if you can potentially get childcare, before you decide if you want to pay the deposit. I'd also put it in the group chat- I seriously doubt you're the o my one feeling this way.

It’s endemic these days unfortunately, people who are MOH (and same with Best Man etc) feel like they need to show off, it’s not about the person getting married it’s about “look at me aren’t I the best MOH/Best man ever by doing something so fun!”
Total ego trip.
I bailed on a hen do for one of my best friends as it was organised by someone I didn’t know, ironically enough was also £150 deposit “including activities”, when I asked what it was I was told “it’s a surprise”..... we’ll im not going from Cumbria to Cardiff to be “surprised”.... turned out it was so water/beach/rock clambering /surfing shite that I couldn’t have done anyway as I’d just had my cartilage repaired on my knee, 16 ppl went in total when they got there 10 of them said “naahhhh not doing that!” and went to the pub 😂
When I heard that I felt 100% vindicated

Oh and @Hbcb333 well done for speaking up, you’re probably a lot of peoples’ hero right now !!

You did the right thing OP. Surely part of the organising of a hen night is to first consult the other hens on price and dates etc. Otherwise it's just picking fancy things you/the bride might like to do and then telling others they have to pay for it. It is the norm to pay for the bride though

That's good that others agree. Hopefully the MoH can organise something cheaper and more appropriate.

It does get crazy.
My BF from school is getting married.
Hen night is a meal in a Greek restaurant not far away.
£10 deposit - job done!
What is all this going abroad crap!?

I arranged a hen do for my best friend once, and was chief bridesmaid. It was a pink hummer (I know very tacky but she loved pink) to take us to a club in London which had a separate pre-club section. Everyone said they were happy with costs, but I said I wouldn’t pay for anything until everyone who was going had put the money into my account, and it was then non refundable. Those who didn’t pay, didn’t go, which ended up being a couple of people in the end, which I felt bad for, but they couldn’t afford it after all and didn’t speak up at the time. I wish they did so that I could have re thought the plans, but they didn’t even tell me they couldn’t afford it, just said they couldn’t make it after all, so I went and paid, then got told afterwards their reasons. I really felt awful, so I’m pleased you spoke up Op! You will hopefully give a lot of others the courage to do the same!

Melons, when I finally get married, I want my hen do in a Greek restaurant! Then just off for a dance somewhere, would be the perfect night for me :)

I think I could afford it but I wouldn’t want to spend the likely £500 on 3 nights away with people I don’t know. Just not good value for money!

My closest friend made a point to her sister/MOH that she couldn't expect people to travel for her wedding and a hen party so all she wanted was a meal with those local to her parents in the days running up to the wedding then for the wedding to be the event to see everyone.

We spoke to some of her other friends who were travelling for the wedding and arranged for them to come down a day earlier than planned and stay in a hotel. The bride was delighted we'd all managed to get together for her and the extra cost for the others was splitting a £39 twin room in a travel lodge plus travel.

Even a special surprise that makes a bride happy doesn't have to cost hundreds of pounds.

Well done for finding your voice. Be ready with a realistic cap on what you can afford to spend on a hen party when the MOH gets back onto the group chat. You won't be the only one who needs to spend less than hundreds to attend a hen and wedding.

We had mine round a friends house and we camped in the garden and had drinks and played silly kids party games - was ace!!!!

Anyone else just following to see what the next option is?