To think my mum is selfish or am I asking for to much

[maybebabyx]

Just had dd we can't go home now as she has jaundice. I ended up having a c-section aswell I thought she would only need to have DS for a maximum of two nights but shit happens.

She's being really funny about having him complaining she's tired and can't get anything done but then she doesn't put him down until 10 and we normally put him down at 8. We did a big food shop made our house comfy for her but it's not good enough. OH mentioned food in the freezer "I don't want any of that" he's just had to take her kfc to keep her quiet.

AIBU thinking that if your daughter is in hospital and your not working anymore the least you can do is help out?

I do so much for her and then when I need some help it's got to be on her terms!

Those saying "she's only 60" are you anywhere near that age yourselves? Also op hasn't actually said if there's any health issues to consider or not. I'm 46, I'd find looking after a fretful, insecure, confused almost 2 year old in an unfamiliar house pretty exhausting!

Well my mum's 60 and I'm 44. Neither of us would bitch and complain about helping each other out if they'd had a major operation. Maybe our close ages make us more like friends. I thank my lucky stars for my lovely mum every time I read something like this.

But there was no reason that the husband couldn't have been at home with the oldest one & the mum sitting in the hospital passing baby over to Op.

Well Op, I know it doesn't have to be tit for tat, but cut down on what you do for your mum if it's too much.

“Those saying "she's only 60" are you anywhere near that age yourselves? “

Yes I am 60

I would have absolutely no difficulty looking after a 1 year old!

I had my own kids v late and found it no difficulty.

Unless there are specific health issues, which the OP has not mentioned, none of my 60+ friends would have difficulty with this either. Yes it’s a bit tiring, as it is for young Mums, but nothing extreme that would put you off when your Dd is in hospital recovering from a major operation (yes, a CS cuts through 7 layers of muscle) and has a newborn with jaundice.

My 60+ friends and I will be working f/t til 66 (you younger MNers won’t get your state pension til even later ), we go fell walking, camping, paddle boarding, to the gym etc.

But on MN 60 yo are routinely written off as decrepit, doddery, and old bats and probably racist into the bargain.

The ageism is constant, and astounding.

OP, if I was your Mum I would be holding the fort and making meals for you to come home to.

I love all my grandchildren and have them whenever I am needed. I have never been asked around the births. All the fathers have stepped up. And I do find more than two nights exhausting. And prefer to have them in my own home.

I think you're sounding a bit entitled sorry, she’s already helped and done two days of full on 24/7 childcare and instead of appreciating that (which is extremely kind and generous of her and more than most people would get!) you’re annoyed at her for not wanting to do even more.

i just hope she never needs my help again I appreciate you’re post birth and probably snappy and in pain but really, re read your posts when you’re feeling better. You’re talking about your mum who has done two full days of childcare for you and your husband, and because she’s had enough instead of thanking her for what she’s done you’re getting snippy cos she won’t do more? If that’s your approach I suggest you neither accept or offer any kindness or help to her ever again as clearly it all comes with strings attached.

If you didn't have a partner your mother would probably push through but she is annoyed because she feels your partner should have taken over from her partially or fully.

People have different tolerances. There's no point comparing her to other 60 year olds.

Reading makes me appreciate my mother in a way I probably didn't before. For those who were running marathons the day after their C-section, well done. It's not that way for everyone. I'm due with number two in January and I know that we'll happily be able to leave my four year old with my parents (in their 70s, father disabled) for as long as necessary. Hopefully it won't be too dramatic but I know perfectly well that after a massive operation and if I were struggling to cope then they would do whatever they could to help because they are my parents. You don't stop being a parent when your child turns 18, surely? I hope I too will be able to help my daughters one day if they are in that position, even if I do find it a bit inconvenient! I can't imagine moaning in that situation.

If the mother had been abandoned with a toddler for weeks then yes, maybe she'd have cause for complaint, but we're talking two days here!

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable, @maybebayx but maybe it's time to accept your mother for what she is and make arrangements around her - which includes not being at her beck and call once you're out of hospital. Oh, and congratulations on the new arrival.

OP - When was the last time you had your DS completely alone with no help from your DH?

What fishface77 said

I actually feel a bit sorry for you Op. I had three c sections. I had bugger all help from everyone involved. I actually discharged myself a day early with ds2 because no one was looking after ds1 properly and they were complaining about how difficult he was being (pils and dh). I'm convinced my back is screwed because on day 4 after having my third section I was back to vacuuming etc because no one else was doing it. Family should rally round when a baby is born and I'd happily do it for my dcs when the time comes.

Everyone involved in making the baby, Eliza? Because if they were no help at all, how was anyone else involved?

MissEliza you sound very entitled. You knew you would be having a 3rd c/s surely and if you had no help after number 1 and 2 then why on earth did you risk your health having a 3rd when you knew you would have to push a hoover around on day 4 and your 'DH' wouldn't look after existing dc. I think when you decide to bring a baby into the world you need to be able to manage yourself and not expect "everyone to rally around" (had the baby's father obviously)

OP your DM has had your son for 3 days/2 nights which I assume has been a great help. T o say you think she is being selfish is very unreasonable. My DM is 65 and is retired, fit and healthy. She does however tire easily and could not look after an under-two for more than a day.

bar the baby's father

Can't your partners mum help out now ? I get him to at least go home at night to give your mum a break. I don't understand why he's been allowed to stay with you though because they don't normally allow it at all.

It sounds to me like your DM has anxiety problems. She probably thinks you are her safe person in that she needs to have you with her when she goes out. So knowing that your DM has this dependency on you, you and DH have left an anxious lady alone with full time care of a 2 year old and she is 60.
Instead of you feeling honoured that you are someone's safe person you have heaped too much responsibility on an anxious older lady. Your complaints about your DM on here if it ever comes to her knowledge she will be even more anxious thinking that every knows that she is scared.
You will cause even more harm to your DM with all this demanding behaviour and therefore she will be of even less help in the future with anxiety even greater. Increasing a person's anxiety is cruel and nasty and will not help you or your family in the future.
I am not the OP's DM but I am someone who has watched all this unfold with other people and it is not ending well.

Congratulations on your baby!

I don't think it's fair on your toddler or your mum - 2 days is a long time for little ones. Your dh should prioritise looking after him. That's how it is when you have more than one child. Life goes on and your dc1 still needs their parents. It's not unreasonable to expect your mum to help but it sounds like she's reached her limit.

I'm sorry though, it is awful to stress about these things when you're at your most vulnerable.

YABU OP. YANBU to want help but YABU to expect your DM to just become a single parent to a toddler indefinitely and just be happy about it.

Your DM has been left in sole charge of a 1 year old for 2 days, 1 year olds are exhausting when they're your own, never mind someone else's, and she's probably just tired and wanting to know when she is going to be relieved of this responsibility. Your DH needs to be spending more time at home with your DS - not just for your DMs sake but also for his sake, he's going to have a lot of adjustment with a baby sibling that isn't going to be helped by the fact he has been left without either parent for multiple days and he may start to feel jealous/unsettled which can manifest in challenging behaviours.

This will .make your DMs job harder if your DS is feeling unsettled and therefore isn't in their usual routine - you complain that she isn't putting your DS to bed until 10pm when you put him down at 8pm but it might not be an active choice, just that he won't settle at his usual time so she has taken the path of least resistance (after a long day of dealing with a child who is missing his parents) and let him stay up an extra couple of hours so that he will be exhausted enough to settle without either parent. It may even be that she's hoping your DH will be home by then and your DS can see him for a few minutes before bed.

When she was asked to help perhaps she expected your DH2 to be doing the bulk of the parenting and she would be there to keep up with stuff at home (cooking/laundry/watching DS while he runs to the supermarket etc) and only take over full parental responsibility while your DH was visiting you in the hospital for a few hours in the day. But what it sounds like is that your DH has spent the bulk of his time at the hospital and DM has just been expected to do everything and suck it up.

Being in someone else's house is also difficult - you don't know where everything is so stuff isn't to hand the same way, you can't truly settle and, at least for me, I never sleep properly in someone else's house. Not to mention she may not be sleeping properly as she's listening for DS and/or is out of her routine so that is adding to her exhaustion.

There's also a difference between babysitting for a couple of hours and full time care - even as a 30 year old with a 10yr old DD I find it exhausting to have my 1yr old niece for the day because I am so unused to the constant supervision needed by a toddler and the fact that she doesn't nap as well when she's being babysat and so is tired and cranky doesn't help either.

So whilst I can see it's difficult I don't think your DM is unreasonable to be questioning how long this is meant to be going on for.

mel give over. It’s not indefinatly ffs.

Seriously if you can not support your daughter by looking after your grandson while she is in hospital then your seriously lacking !

60 is not a doddery old lady!

Ok indefinitely was a bit hyperbolic but she probably thought she was going to be supporting the OPs DH for a few days but instead appears to have been left in sole charge of a one year old and is being expected to continue to do so for longer and she is reaching the end of her patience/ability.

Just because a 60 year old isn't doddering around on a zimmer frame doesn't mean they are able to take sole responsibility for a toddler for an extended period either.

I understand your upset but lots of people have to cope without any kind of parental help in similar situations. Where's your DH's parents in this equation?

Not entitled at all just do a lot for my mum so thought she would do the same. She hasn't ever offered to have him I never leave him with her ever so it's just a one off.

We have ds here now anyway OH dropped her back and she commented "oh I'm going to be on my own again now" hopefully we're going home tonight after these blood tests otherwise I will just have to manage the doctor prescribed me some tramadol.

OH parents work my mum does nothing and complains she's bored on her own all the time you can't win!

maybe your damned if you do damned if you don’t with her.

Tbh I think she just like people feeling sorry her.

Take it easy

I am a grandma and have helped my DDs out with their children on many occasions over the last 15 years; and have 2 regularly and also do some school pick-ups.

I have to be honest with you and say that it is not until you reach your 60s that you realise that your stamina tails off a bit as you get older. I am struggling today with a much-loved 3 year old and it is 2 pm now and I could do with a lie-down! I am 10 years older than your Mum though - but, it was at about 60 that I found myself getting more easily tired.

A nearly 2 year old is very hard work! Maybe it is time to share this job with your OH, as your Mum is getting a bit worn out by it.

Please do not harbour a grudge against her for this - she is just telling it like it is.

And lots of congratulations on your new arrival - I hope you recover quickly from your CS.

I've had three sections, the first two emergencies. In the nicest possible way, you need to start giving things a go and step up a bit so that your dh can parent his son. If you are struggling you are in the right place - hospital!

There's a huge difference between visiting her or taking her out and leaving her for days with a very young child.
Hope you feel better soon.