To think my mum is selfish or am I asking for to much

[maybebabyx]

Just had dd we can't go home now as she has jaundice. I ended up having a c-section aswell I thought she would only need to have DS for a maximum of two nights but shit happens.

She's being really funny about having him complaining she's tired and can't get anything done but then she doesn't put him down until 10 and we normally put him down at 8. We did a big food shop made our house comfy for her but it's not good enough. OH mentioned food in the freezer "I don't want any of that" he's just had to take her kfc to keep her quiet.

AIBU thinking that if your daughter is in hospital and your not working anymore the least you can do is help out?

I do so much for her and then when I need some help it's got to be on her terms!

I really do hope you’re just hopped up on pain meds and emotional because regardless of what you do for your mother (why do you expect the time you devote to her to be paid back in childcare??) it is not her responsibility to look after your child. It would be nice but it is not up to her. You sound completely entitled, expecting her to continue looking after your toddler when your DH is ready and able?

You don’t need your partner there, you want him there. It is time for him to go home and look after your child. Your mother has had your son for much longer than most would and you should be grateful for it, not expect it. Regardless of what the posters who claim that their ‘disabled, elderly 80+’ parents who would have their child for a week say your mother has said she’s had enough, she’s not selfish for not wanting to mind your child because simply put it is not up to her.

Anything can happen when giving birth and this is a prime example. Why not arrange alternative childcare? Or ask your DH’s family to help out? Why is it completely down to your mother? Is it because you think she ‘owes’ you for the time you’ve spent with her? If that’s the case cut it down.

Grandparents, regardless of the situation, are not free childcare. She has helped you out as best she could, it is not fair to expect her just to ‘get on with it’ when she’s told you she’s had enough. You decided to have another child and those are risks involved. It is up to no one to take care of your children bar you and husband.

I’ll help my kids but if they expect constant childcare when I’ve told them I’m at my limit they’ve got another thing coming !

maybe Your mother never has your son so why did you think that the first time she did should be a couple of days in a row? It actually makes more sense that she was struggling as time went on. Also she was pretty much on her own while you were in hospital. One to two year olds can be sweet (or a nightmare) but they are not the adult company she would probably like.

leaving her for days

grandparents are not free child care

(why do you expect the time you devote to her to be paid back in childcare??) it is not her responsibility to look after your child

Honestly I’m so glad my grandmother was not like you. Or my exmil - both of them were invaluable to me and my family.

Some posters are real Arse wipes

One to two year olds can be sweet (or a nightmare) but they are not the adult company she would probably like

She was supposed to be helping her daughter out for a few days while she was in hospital not having a bloody break with riveting company

The real problem is DM wasn’t getting anything out of looking after grandson, which is backed up by the comment she said when she was dropped off at home. Gone are the days when you just help out your kids for nothing eh!

"She hasn't ever offered to have him I never leave him with her "

So not really surprising that she didn't want to do more than necessary is it?

What a shame there was no one else you could have asked.

Maybe she's just one of life's moaners.

Blue My comment was in response to the OP's last comments which implied that her mother had had the company she craved while she stayed at OP's house but was now complaining that she would be alone at home. You've taken my comment out of context.

Sorry, but YABU.
I’m in my early fifties and would find looking after a toddler for more than a few hours completely exhausting so I don’t blame your mum at all for finding it too much.
Honestly after I hit 45, I found I got tired far more easily and I’m not completely unfit. I normally walk the dog 12k a day and do Parkrun once a week as well.

I don't even understand why her age has anything to do with it whether she's 30,60 or 90 she doesn't have to look after your child especially when your partner can be at home. She's clearly struggling and has already helped you out for days !! Be grateful she was there at all

Completely agree Bluecloudyskies think I spent most of my childhood with GP’s because they wanted me!!
I can’t wait to have grandchildren so I can help with them as much as possible x

The Pil reluctantly turned up to look after ds when I had dd. I was a bit out of it ( as you are!) but between gasps and groans I could see dh in heated discussion with the nurses. And then he went out of the room.

It turned out fil had been constantly phoning the hospital demanding that dh go home as mil was bored and wanted to leave. When dh returned home asap after delivery, the Pil had a real go that the house was a mess and we hadn’t left them a meal (dd arrived 2 weeks early). There was a terrific row which we never, ever forgot.

That being said, I think you have to work with what you’ve got. Mil has done a bit of duty. Leave it at that and let her go home.

There are some pretty awful comments on here. OP I hope you are ok. I now how awful it is being stuck in hospital with a baby when you are not in a fit state to look after them. The nurses don’t help because they are too busy. My DH spent every minute he could in the hospital to help me. Yes, your DM should be helping as much as she can. That’s what families do. My dad is 71 and looks after my kids all the time because he adores them and says that they keep him young.

Oldgimmer I sound entitled? Do fuck off.

YANBU to hope that your own mum would help you out. Unfortunately now you know for sure you can’t depend on her in situations like this. I’ve been in a situation where help was promised from PIL and then didn’t materialise once it was required, it was bloody frustrating but there was nothing DH and I could do. When they promised help again in a similar situation we smiled and thanked but knew we couldn’t depend on them and really it was much less stressful to know it was all talk and that we would be coping on our own. At least now you know not to depend on her OP.

Also, I find it odd that people are struggling to understand that everyone’s c section experiences are not the same. I’ve had two and could walk about the next day with both of them. I also know I was lucky and this isn’t the case for everyone every time.

Good luck OP.

Your husband needs to look after your son, it's his responsibility and not your mother's, plus it's not good for your son to not be with one of you and in his own home when a new baby has arrived.

“grandparents are not free child care”

No, they are family. Close family. And it’s nice when families give total support at times of birth, death and other major family events.

I don’t think the DH is at the hospital 24/7, and it sounds as if the mother has been moaning and complaining from the off.

The word 'entitled' should be banned.

You are probably both very overtired and finding it hard. Is there anyone else who could give her a break?

I’m an arsewipe for what exactly, Blue? Not wanting my children to have a massive sense of entitlement when it comes to childcare? Your family can be ‘invaluable’ to you, yes, of course but don’t expect them to have your children for days when they’ve admitted they can’t bloody do it.

Because that’s what this is. She’s not having a merry old time taking the one year old out for ice cream and some quality time. She’s minding him day and night, being his care giver because her daughter has made the choice to have another child. And the fact that this was expected of her for her first time is even worse.

Knots, this is the mother’s first time minding the 1 year old. Considering she’s had him day and night, what more support is she meant to give? Is she meant to ‘get on with it’ even if she’s exhausted or she simply can’t?

I haven’t read all the replies but I agree that really your OH needs to be with your DS, for both your mum and DS

I’m shocked by the responses here. She’s had him 2 days. If you can’t pull it out the bag for your close family members at times like these then there is something seriously wrong.

I know people have said it doesn’t matter how old she is etc. but most 60 year olds are still working full time these days. It’s not old at all. I’m sure she can endure looking after her grandchild for a little longer. After all, her daughter is clearly struggling after major abdominal surgery and needs a bit of TLC. Why would you not want to do something nice for your daughter in circumstances like that? How the hell Is this OP entitled in this situation?

Yanbu. I had two sections and was a complete mess the first time. I was not in a good way and my mums drama made it very stressful. For the second section my sil took the kids and it was all much easier.

Congratulations on your new baby

Congrats, but I agree with others, your mum is obviously (and quite understandably) struggling and your husband needs to take over.

Context really is everything in this case because we don't know you or your mother.

On the one hand I think it's a duty for parents to look after and help out their children/grandchildren but it has to go both ways. Do you call her when you don't need help? Do you make her feel included in your DS' life? Were you in contact a lot before you asked her for this favour? She should do you favours and you should do her favours.

But OP, she's done what you asked her to do and in your case, it seems like perhaps she (as well as many PP) don't understand why your DH can't look after your DS. We obviously don't know the whole story but it seems from your recent updates that you're more concerned about your DH being with you than looking after your DS who is YOUR responsibility. I could understand it more if you'd had a traumatic birth with many complications but from your updates, it just sounds like you're just wanting your DH to hang around you with little consideration for your DH and DS.

As I said, context is key and it's hard to say either way without knowing the full backstory.

If you want to be annoyed with your mum then fair enough but I think you should keep it quiet because it'll foster bitterness and you'll sound selfish for complaining that she did the agreed time.