To think my mum is selfish or am I asking for to much

[maybebabyx]

Just had dd we can't go home now as she has jaundice. I ended up having a c-section aswell I thought she would only need to have DS for a maximum of two nights but shit happens.

She's being really funny about having him complaining she's tired and can't get anything done but then she doesn't put him down until 10 and we normally put him down at 8. We did a big food shop made our house comfy for her but it's not good enough. OH mentioned food in the freezer "I don't want any of that" he's just had to take her kfc to keep her quiet.

AIBU thinking that if your daughter is in hospital and your not working anymore the least you can do is help out?

I do so much for her and then when I need some help it's got to be on her terms!

I'm with the 'why isn't your husband home now' team I'm afraid. Many of us have sections and can hold fort at hospital dealing with the newborn.if the pain is that awful perhaps ask the doctor to check there's no something wrong with the wound etc?

Maybe a compromise with your mum may be better, so perhaps she comes to your house say x hours a day to look after your son and your DH can come visit you then? Asking her to take over as a parent full time isn't fair though as it's your joint responsibility as parents

No, you're not asking too much. How selfish. I'm sorry this is so hard. Of course you should be given support in hospital with your child if you want or need it (so what to those posters saying they struggled on alone blah blah - that was your choice/circumstances), and your mum sounds perfectly capable of care for this short time. I suggest it's time for some distance when you're out xx

YABU. You sound very entitled. Your mom is 60 and toddlers are exhausting. She's probably really tired and deserves a break. Why do you need your husband by your side 24/7? Ask her to switch with your husband. That way she can support you at the hospital and get a break while your OH is with your son. If she's looking after your kids for free then yes, the least you can do is provide some food for her (things she actually eats) while she's looking after your kid.

Hope your children are healthy and recovery goes well for you and the baby.

I think the issue is more about you feeling you have done so much for your mum and now you want that 'paid back'
Many of us have had cesareans and been left alone from the first night whilst DH went home to look after the older sibling, myself included.
I was left for 24hrs without painkillers by the hospital and it's shit but you cope because you have to.
You have had help from your mum and sound like you are wallowing to me.

It’s unfair to for posters to expect OP How they did when they were in hospital. I had three very different births.

G&A and was up and out after a few hours
C-section our the next day
C-section and stuck in hospital for three days (which was the worst as I felt isolated)

We all behave and deal with different situations differently. We are not robots and it’s understandable for OP to feel like this.
MN is the strangest place, it’s the only place you will ever see a group of women trying to make a women who has just given birth feel shit and ENTITLED for expected her MOTHER to help out with son.

Maybe if your still on the thread - ignore idiots on here. You will soon be back at home with your little family. Try not to get down at this time and it won’t last forever

I dont think you are entitled or selfish. I think you have supported your mum exhaustively one on one a hell of a lot and why shouldn't you expect that that kind of compassion goes both ways? If it doesn't then you are being used. If she had been worried about your ds missing you both too much she wouldn't have been unrasonable but 2 days is unreasonable to moan at when you've monopolized your dcs time and support.

I would withdraw your support because you have your own family to support and she needs to learn to do the same. If she monopolised your time then that is what she is probably moaning about losing and wants when you get home!

Your toddler will be missing his mummy and daddy - it would be best for him if daddy went home.

Your poor mother, she's minded a two yr old since Tuesday, your oh needs to take over. You sound unbelievably critical of her for being tired tbh.

I really can't see any reason that your oh needs to be in hospital with you 24/7.

Your Mum has done more than enough. More than a lot of Mums out these.

I'm sure she does have her own life btw

Unless your Mum has your DS for 4 days straight usually it's probably unsettling for your DS not to be with this parents for such a long stretch of time too.

The mum's life consists on needing her daughter to pander to her every minute. I suspect it's not the ds who needs support its the mum who wants her crutch back again.

‘Have the people saying nurses and midwives will help actually had a baby recently? They don’t have time to help!’

This ^

You’re just left to get on with it

Is your mum in good health op?

Congratulations on your new baby OP, and sorry you have had a tough time, unexpected CS, jaundice etc.

Your Mum has not stepped up, has she? I would feel let down and vulnerable. A 60 year old is no age and 3 days is no big deal to look after a 1 year old. She sounds self absorbed. My Mum would have worked like a Trojan under those circumstances, I would have to be telling her to ease up.

Some MN-ers seem to have lost all empathy for other women recovering from childbirth, too. Her OH IS at home: he fetched KFC for a start. And as for competitive “I managed.....”.

That’s AIBU for you, and any suggestion ever that family members might show love and support. Will these people, I wonder, support their own daughters?

FWIW I think your Mum should be helping for as long as you need her but she doesn’t want to! So either you DH has to go home and look after ds and you Mum comes to the hospital to help you or you’re just going to have to cope I’m afraid.

My mum isn’t great. When I was 7 weeks pregnant with my 6 child the whole family inc me and my husband for proper flu. My mum came for a day to help out and that was it. I lost 10lbs in 5 days I was so ill and had 5 children under 9 with flu and hubby was also properly unwell. Sometimes family don’t live up to expectations.

Think the problem here is that post natal wards are so crap, that we need our birth partners to hang around and help.

Maybe explain this your DM, OP? Does she know that you'll just be left on your own without him?

If your mother is heavily dependent on you to help her cope with life OP, that's unfortunately not going to change "just" because you've had a baby. Sorry. I know it would be nice if you could lean on her just for once, but clearly thats not going to happen. Send your dh home today and push the midwives to support you with the baby.

Well I'm a GM and remember how hard it was to have a newborn, so I would stay without a huff. Saying that , is your OH at home at all with the toddler?
Might be an idea to share the care a bit.
Congratulations on your baby OP.

OP I think it sounds like your mum is very hard work. But I think here she isnt being that unreasonable - looking after a not quite two year old for 3 nights straight who is missing his parents isnt an easy task

OP I’m not surprised you’re a bit disappointed. I really hope these comments haven’t upset you. Some posters have been very harsh. The OP is feeling vulnerable and in pain- it’s not very fair to lay into her (others have managed to disagree without being mean). Unfortunately post natal care can be absolutely crap in this country. I remember phoning my husband in tears at 3 in the morning to come back into hospital as I was struggling to feed my baby and no-one would help me while she was getting more and more distressed. I was in pain, knackered etc and I hadn’t even had a section.

I realise your mum has now gone - I was going to suggest your husband stay with you at night but help with your toddler more during the day (when there should be staff around).

I do have some sympathy with you OP. My friend had a baby recently by section and she was left to manage by herself. The staff didn't have time to help her, or she was left for so long waiting for them that she would end up hurting herself trying to do something. In the end her husband pretty much had to stay there so he could help. The staff were very kind, but just so pressured. Another woman fell out of bed while there as her baby was crying and she couldn't reach her and no one was answering when she called for them.

Having said that, your mum has said she isn't coping and you have to take her word on that. Hopefully you will be able to go home soon. But maybe your husband could take care of your other child and someone else could pop into hospital and help you out there for a while.

I do think your mum is being selfish - the last thing you need is a dose of the guilts.

However, from experience your DS will need one of his parents. My DS went to my mum's for lots of fun with his grandma and uncles when I had DD. Being away from us for 3 nights gave him separation anxiety and he never bonded with his sister.

You will find the more you do in hospital, the quicker you recover and easiler you will find it when you go home. Two adults to look after a newborn is unnecessary. My dp went home to dc after new baby was born. I had c section both times, and even when he could stay over he had to go look after dc at home.
You are asking too much, and not doing yourself any favours.

If OP is on a ward she must be doing well. If a C Section mum is not doing very well they go to ICU and baby goes into lodging at the Special Care Nursery.

Hmm. I got stuck in bed on my first night with DD on top of me and I was too far away to reach the buzzer.

Not one midwife checked on me. I was in too much pain to move. And that was 10 years ago - they've got busier and more understaffed.

Grand parents aren't free child care

Then adult children aren't free carers when the elderly parents need them.

About 4 weeks ago my dad who is disabled and can hardly walk agreed to look after my dd aged 4 for half a day. As he came to collect her my waters broke (5 weeks early). As you can imagine that meant a stay in hospital and the house wasnt even comfortable for him, no shop done no bedding on spare bed etc. But as you rightly said these things happen. My poor father ended up looking after dd for 4 days. So yes I agree with you, in situations like these, people just get on with things. One thing we did was on day 3 some family friends took dd out for a few hours to give my dad a break (apparently he nearly threw her at them lol), maybe you could try this see if it helps.