To think my mum is selfish or am I asking for to much

[maybebabyx]

Just had dd we can't go home now as she has jaundice. I ended up having a c-section aswell I thought she would only need to have DS for a maximum of two nights but shit happens.

She's being really funny about having him complaining she's tired and can't get anything done but then she doesn't put him down until 10 and we normally put him down at 8. We did a big food shop made our house comfy for her but it's not good enough. OH mentioned food in the freezer "I don't want any of that" he's just had to take her kfc to keep her quiet.

AIBU thinking that if your daughter is in hospital and your not working anymore the least you can do is help out?

I do so much for her and then when I need some help it's got to be on her terms!

What about OH mum? Can she help?

I have had 3 CS and an extended stay of 10 days after one of them, there was very little help in hospital. None most of the time. I think this is fairly common.

What about a middle ground?
DH go back at 7am till late afternoon/ early evening and then your mother take over.

People can crack on about their great grandmother who's 150 and babysits 78 hours a day it's irrelevant. OPs mother needs help and they have decided to have two children and as such now need to juggle their time between two children.

I've just had a c section and there's no chance I'd be in hospital without DH.

The care on the ward was extremely lacking to be honest. I had to beg for pain relief several times and had to wait for them to bring the pain relief trolley round several hours after my spinal had worn off and the pain was horrific.

DH was having to empty my catheter bag because no one else was available to do it and change my pads for me.

There's no way I would have had help promptly in the night with lifting my baby for feeding.

It's been a couple of days ffs. I'd be seriously disappointed in her to be honest.

Hope you're all feeling better soon op x

MadMum101
From the sounds of it, the DH must be going home. He took the GM a KFC!

If he is going home it must be after 10pm or surely he would put the child to bed himself.

I had both my babies by c.section and 5,000 miles away from any help from family. My husband went home with older child and I BF and took care of baby in the hospital. I don't see a problem with doing this.

Is it just me who isngettong.pissednofnwith people saying,
" what about MIL"(OH's mum?) What about her dad or OH's dad? Why just the mums?

Your mum is struggling and your DS may be feeling abandoned by you and DH and being difficult. Your DH shou,d be caring for DS, congratulations on your new baby

I said grand parents personally

Honestly we have all given birth and survived it and to hear someone complain about there mother not helping enough

How about going into hospital as a single mum, long labour and complications and then after 6 hrs be sent home as no hospital beds . And when I say sent home , carrying newborn baby and pulling suitcase trying to flag a cab and bleeding in so much pain after giving birth all by your self . Try that . Unless ur an not human like me I only have two hands and arms.

Be happy for what u have as it's a lot more then many others

What the hell are mothers for if notfor this

Pardon? You think the DMs value is in her babysitting?

Made home nice and comfy ??

It's not her home, she has her own life!
Tell your darling husband to start lifting his weight and leave your poor mother alone she has done more then enough .

If your overwhelmed ask for medical advice in hospital .

Where are these nurses who will help at night?! I had to self discharge unwell the same day as ds was born as I couldn’t care for ds without dh and he had to go home for our toddler (no family in the country -if we had any of our parents would stagger through looking after ds) . By unwell I was admitted twice more for a spinal headache, I couldn’t really get out of bed.

Honestly ask for help before your discharged

If you can't cope now between yourself and darling husband how will u manage to cope when at home ?

I worry about your newborn child or other child you haven't mentioned to be missing

No, she's not selfish. But neither is it BU to want her help. To expect it maybe, but I can understand you wanting her to do extra.
I really hate the "she's only 60" "my dm wouldn't dream of acting like that and she's 99" posts. Pointless and stupid when we have NO idea of how the OPs mother is or isn't coping physically. Or even mentally. She very well may feel unable to continue. How is that NOT ok. Have we all forgotten what taking care of a 1 yr old can be like or is it there a case of selective memory syndrome? Where all 1 yr olds are a dream to take care of 24/7 and not at all tiring?

OP has a DH. There is no reason he cannot step up and take care of his child. Or arrange for someone else to do it.

Your mother isn’t selfish, your DH is.

He’s sitting around a lot, lifting the baby periodically, sitting around some more. She’s looking after a toddler separated from his parents, alone, in a home that isn’t hers.

Your DH needs some sense knocked into him. Being a man doesn’t let you off the hook for anything except pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding.

Your DH needs to go home and look after your child. Unless you have a private room then DH shouldn't be staying at the hospital with you anyway.

@Oysterbabe

Well said

Your husband needs to go home to look after your son, it sounds like your mother is not coping.

Yeap, your husband should be looking after your child, not your mother. It is not just that looking a toddler is exhausting but it is doubly exhausting when they aren't your own child.

To be honest I couldn't cope without him im in so much pain tonight. I had a c section before but don't remember it being this bad. I've maxed out on painkillers

Waiting for dd jaundice results hoping it's cleared up.

I was in hospital for a week with DD because she was premature. Ds had just turned 2. Yes we had friends/my parents/DH mum look after him during that time but his world had just been turned upside down. He needed DH to be there with him and put him to bed. I would rather I suffer in hospital with a poorly baby alone than ds had been without a parent each day. My parents are a similar age and didn't expect them to do more than a couple of days and was grateful for any time DH was with me. I know your finding it hard post c section but it's your ds who I'm more worried about

The thing is my mum doesn't have her own life she doesn't go out she's quit her job because she doesn't like her manager and is now claiming benefits. I take her everywhere with me constantly whenever she needs me I'm there within minutes.

Anytime I need her help which is very rare (I moved out at 16) it's a problem or we have to make it on her terms.

Anyhow we're getting ds in the morning and taking her back home I just hope she never needs my help again.

I think it can come as quite a shock to realise that you are not the number one priority once you have your own children.

I remember being a little surprised when my mum explained that my baby was mine and my Dh's sole responsibility. She pointed out that I was the grown up now too and our roles had therefore changed.
She felt my decision to have children was mine and my Dh's and she didn't mind helping out occasionally but she wasn't to be considered as an equal care giver along with the two of us.

Your little boy needs his dad. Your mum wants to go back to her own life for a while.

I'm sure if you show her you are really trying to manage things without relying on her completely now, that it will pay dividends in the future with her.

I know it did with my mum. Once she stopped feeling under pressure to help she did become a hands on granny.

I do hope it all works out for you. It's a tough time. You can get through it and all will be well.

The thing is, if that's your mum's nature then she's unlikely to change. I do understand how hard that can be - my mum came to "help" after I'd had an EMCS with DS2 and my eldest was not quite 2. She lived about 40 mins away, turned up 2 hours after she said she would each day and on the 3rd day she told me I had been snappy and giving her funny looks put DS1 in his cot for a nap and went home! I wasn't really supposed to be lifting him at this point but I had no choice (he had development delays).

It's done now, but I would have had DH spending some time with your DS, if only to do bedtime.

I hope you're in less pain soon and DD is o.k. to be discharged tomorrow.