To worry that my baby will always be second best?

[NameChangeyMcChangerson]

I think IA being a bit U, so prepared for people to tell me to grow up! I have a 7 week old baby. My nephew is 9 months. I adore him (I will admit to finding my SIL's pregnancy a bit hard to be around as I miscarried around the same time my nephew was conceived, but I've adored him ever since he was here), but I've started feeling a bit jealous on DS's behalf, which I know is terrible - my nephew is a baby!

The other day my mum came to see DS and immediately started telling me all about the cute/funny things DN does. The thing is, obviously DN does do funny, cute things and with every will in the world my tiny baby doesn't do much to talk about yet - he sleeps, eats and very occasionally smiles! But I worry that this will always be true - DN will always do everything first and so be at a more interesting stage.

When I was pregnant people asked a lot if it was my parents' first GC and I got a lot of disappointed 'ohs' when I said no - people seemed to think it was particularly disappointing that I was having another boy, so he's not a first anything. I found this a bit upsetting - I was so excited to be having my baby after a long time waiting and hoping - but brushed it off, but I'm now wondering - is a second grandchild always that bit less special? AIBU to worry that he'll always be second best?

If they are only about 7 months apart and it looks like they will be in the same school year, the age range differences will disappear as they get to school age.

Families usually love their little relatives equally, I couldn't imagine not loving all my grandchildren. I think you are worrying without any evidence.

Yabu. Each baby is unique!

If they're close in age the gap will close! Your DM has possibly gone home and realised she was unintentionally comparing them.

It will probably just go away- unless your sibling is the golden child already & thus birthed a messiah.

Sorry you need to grow up. They will always be close and be compared but that’s life. You can’t expect people to drop everything to worship your child

Thank you for the replies - I'm sure you're right that I'm being silly! It's just people made such a huge deal about the 'first grandchild' thing, and now I can't help but feel like it's a little 'been there, done that' for my family. But no, my brother isn't a golden child - I think we've always been treated fairly equally - so I'm sure you're right that it'll even out, if it's even there (and not just in my head!) in the first place!

Ah OP I know what you mean! I have 2 very close together and it often appears that people prefer my DD over my DS. They don't, but my DD is a toddler and she's doing lots and she interacts a lot with you so it's natural that people gravitate more towards her. My DS is now starting to move about and is getting more interesting but isn't walking or talking yet. As he does I've no doubt they will be equally as interested in him.

Don't worry. People get swept up in the excitement of a first baby in the family but honestly, they'll love your DS just as much xx

You can’t expect people to drop everything to worship your child

Wow, that's a little harsh - where did I say I expected that?!

YABU

My younger sister had a baby before I did and whilst I had always just assumed that as the eldest I would give my parents their first grandchild, they love all the kids just the same.

It will be nice when their development evens out a bit and they can play.

My DD is 7 months behind her cousin and I am looking forward to her having someone to play with when we go to my mum and dad’s... but then actually she is the 7th grandchild and certainly all the “firsts” have been gobbled up. But your DS will have his own character different to his cousin and will bring so much joy to his DGPs...

(Where my DD and DN is concerned currently my DN is the adorable smiley one and my DD is the demanding force of nature 😂😂😂)

Ffs @Poodles1980 There's no need to be so rude is there?! Get back in your box

My daughters are number 8 and 10 of 11 grandchildren and my parents still rave about everything every one of them do. I wouldn't worry!

With every baby, when they were born, my MIL has made conversation about the next oldest grandchild when visiting.

I think because tiny babies don’t do much yet but as they grow they do more, and talking about the older baby gives that insight into what to expect. I don’t know. I always quite liked the stories of slightly more interesting babies!

I’m sure your mum will be just as excited when your baby starts to crawl / walk. In many ways it’s better not to have the first grandchild - not as much scrutiny haha.

And think how lucky the boys are - how lovely to have a cousin so close in age x

When I was pregnant people asked a lot if it was my parents' first GC and I got a lot of disappointed 'ohs' when I said no - people seemed to think it was particularly disappointing that I was having another boy, so he's not a first anything.

If people really think that then they are dicks but (in the nicest possible way) did anyone actually say this? Or do you think it’s possible you may have been projecting some of your own feelings and anxieties onto their reactions a wee bit.

Your post does sound a bit like the only one turning this into a competition might actually be you. You need to knock that on the head: as you already know, it’s really not fair to be resentful of a nine month old baby. It sounds like your very sad loss during your SIL’s pregnancy has maybe left you with some subconscious resentment and feelings of inadequacy that you’re now projecting onto the two children. Maybe some counselling might help?

As someone without children yet I think it’s just a fact that nine month olds do more ‘cute’ things for grandparents to gush about than seven week olds! But that doesn’t mean people think your nephew is better or more special in any way, it just means he’s at a different stage. Your son will get his turn!

So... YABU. But I think you know that really

Is your baby a first grandchild to both sets of grandparents?

They don't, but my DD is a toddler and she's doing lots and she interacts a lot with you so it's natural that people gravitate more towards her.

That's exactly it - we've had a few family gatherings with both babies, and all eyes are always on DN. Which is objectively completely fair - he's doing something adorable and interactive with a ball or pulling himself up on the furniture or whatever, mine is asleep or on my boob! I just worry that this will always be the case - when DS is the one cruising DN will still be doing something more interesting and advanced so it'll be less exciting - and while obviously that won't last past about 5, by that point a dynamic will be set.

As I said, I do know I'm probably being silly/oversensitive - in my slight defence I'm rocking about four hours broken sleep a night, so I'm not at my most rational...

Advanced isn’t always more interesting. People love watching babies crawl around regardless of whether there are older kids. I think David Attenborough said the most fascinating living thing is a 9m old human baby? Not a 9m old only if there’s no 18m olds around, lol. It genuinely is a fascinating stage.

It can work both ways.. eg. your SIL might may have worried her son would be pushed to one side once the much smaller ‘cuter’ newborn came along who would then be ‘the baby’ of the family rather than her DS.

The age gap will disappear and it could be lovely for them having a cousin close on in age.

What is all this ‘first’ nonsense?

YAB utterly U!

Enjoy your beautiful baby and stop thinking about other people’s babies.

You must get a grip!

I think there will always be comparisons - as there are between siblings but you just have to get on with it.

I have a niece & nephew. It's funny (now) listening to what my dsis tells me about them & what dm says about them. Sometimes really fing annoying tbh but at other times really amusing but I keep it to myself so as to avoid starting ww3!!

LisaSimpson I think you're right that I do have some residual feelings about how I 'should' have had a baby first (it wasn't my first miscarriage) - I know that's really unpleasant and I thought it disappeared when DN was born but maybe not. Obviously that's completely unreasonable and something I need to work on.

People really did keep asking if he'd be my parents' first grandchild a lot though, and it was hard not to feel like it was the less good answer when I said no!

I think maybe you might just be being anxious about it and I can see why.
I'm sure both babies will be adored.
7mths is such an exciting age they are learning all sorts and doing new things every day, the first few months are boring so they are probably excited he is more active and up to loads now.
When your baby is here you will probably forget you ever felt like this

But no, my brother isn't a golden child - I think we've always been treated fairly equally

Then I think you have little to worry about. If you had said your parents had always favoured one child then it might be different. My DC don't get a look in, but then my parents were never too keen on me so I'm used to it. But as your parents treated you and your brother fairly, they'll do the same for their grandchildren.

In my experience this isn't the case. My sibling and I have children who were born 6 months apart. Mine is the elder of the two. I found that ok, initially my DC was of more interest in the same way that you're experiencing, however mine then went through a phase of being a complete...toddler and the younger cousin was going through an exceptionally adorable phase. So it waxes and wanes.

Now they're both 5 and there's no difference really. And the cousins love each other, which is just the best thing to see ever