To worry that my baby will always be second best?

[NameChangeyMcChangerson]

I think IA being a bit U, so prepared for people to tell me to grow up! I have a 7 week old baby. My nephew is 9 months. I adore him (I will admit to finding my SIL's pregnancy a bit hard to be around as I miscarried around the same time my nephew was conceived, but I've adored him ever since he was here), but I've started feeling a bit jealous on DS's behalf, which I know is terrible - my nephew is a baby!

The other day my mum came to see DS and immediately started telling me all about the cute/funny things DN does. The thing is, obviously DN does do funny, cute things and with every will in the world my tiny baby doesn't do much to talk about yet - he sleeps, eats and very occasionally smiles! But I worry that this will always be true - DN will always do everything first and so be at a more interesting stage.

When I was pregnant people asked a lot if it was my parents' first GC and I got a lot of disappointed 'ohs' when I said no - people seemed to think it was particularly disappointing that I was having another boy, so he's not a first anything. I found this a bit upsetting - I was so excited to be having my baby after a long time waiting and hoping - but brushed it off, but I'm now wondering - is a second grandchild always that bit less special? AIBU to worry that he'll always be second best?

My MIL told me recently she was terrified everyone would love her firstborn more than my DP, and that my DP would suffer. She panicked months, and months, and it was all fine! They're so different, and loved by the family! (And grown now, obvs).

My brother had 2 kids before me, a girl & a boy. So many people were like 'oh they've had the first grandchildren and the first girl/boy' like my parents wouldn't also love my kids!

This thread is ridiculous and insensitive to people having fertility problems.

Well better close down Mumsnet then seeing as a large percentage of threads on here are about children. Funnily enough.

(and I say this as an infertile person)

YABU. There's a similar gap between DS and his cousin, and although the in laws do talk lots about what his cousin is doing, I know they talk about DS lots to DB-in-law and DS-in-law too. They're such different little boys too, that there's always different things to talk about, and as they get older it becomes less about milestones and more about funny things they said or what toys they like or whatever.

Bear in mind too that you may both have other children, at which point the dynamic will change all over again.

It's also a great gap for hand-me-downs and advice. And lovely that they'll be able to play together.

Congratulations on your new baby.

I have 2 DGC and one on the way. I am just as excited about my 3rd GC than I was about my first 2.
My first born DGC is no more special than the other one, they are both much loved, just at different stages. And no 3 will be adored too.
Please don't worry OP, there isn't a hierarchy of little people.

Yanbu to feel like this, but it's not going to be the case so please try not to worry. By time they're 4 they'll be doing more or less the same things anyway. I had the first DGC, my daughter is the eldest but she's not preferred over the others. I also have the youngest DGC, they are all treated the same

I'm a grandma so I can speak from that point of view. I've got 4 GC - of course #1 was a bit special for the first year when she was the only one, but since then she has acquired a brother and two cousins. Every one of them is super special to me - the fact that one came first and the others came later, is totally irrelevant. As a grandparent, your heart just expands to accommodate each wonderful addition to your family. Your parents will love all their GC completely, believe me. Best wishes to you .

Also all this will be forgotten when you kids are 10 years old and thick as theives. You will just be glad.to have them occupied together while you can have a cuppa and a chat xx

There are 7 months between my Nephew and my DD. My mum is always telling me what Nephew has been up to. That was fine, but I did think maybe he was the favourite out of the 2. (Mum has 10 grandchildren so thought this was strange)
Anyway, I went to my sisters house, she said something about a milestone my DD did. I asked her how she knew, her reply 'mum told me'
So it may be your mum is doing the same thing, talking to you about DN and vice versa

If there’s only several months between them it’s possible that your child will have some firsts. My DS says a couple of words now; my DN (a whole year older) still can’t talk. They’ll have different interests too - DS might be the only grandchild who wins a rugby trophy, for example, as DN might prefer cricket. My own grandparents always favoured the prettiest and most accomplished child, not the oldest.

My sister and I were the third and fourth grandchildren on one side of the family, and the fifth and sixth on the other side, and our grandparents still adored us!

I found your post really interesting OP. I'm about to start IVF. My DN and Nephew are ages 3 and 1. We've been TTC since around the same time my SIL had my DN. My parents are lovely GPs and its been so lovely to see their relationship with their GCs blossom - they live not far away, spend so much time helping my DB and SIL out and are really supportive.

They are supportive of me too but one of the things that has made infertility hard has been seeing the time slipping away so its less likely any future will be close in age. And wondering if by the time any potential DCs come along for us, my parents will be a bit older and potentially less able to be the same young fun GPs they've been for the eldest GC. Not to mention if I'll never know what kind of GPs will be to my own kids, if I can't have them.

So while I completely relate to your anxiety about that sort of thing, I think it's absolutely right to look at the positives, and to remember that it's your scared brain talking, not a real picture of reality.

I think you're reading into things where there's nothing too read and maybe feeling a bit sensitive.

Possibly related to the previous miscarriage since I'm guessing your child would have been born first had it not been for the miscarriage?

I think if your parents treated you and your brother pretty equally they will make an effort to so the same with grandchildren. Plus the age gap will be nothing in a couple of years...my child and cousin have a 10 month age gap and my child is 3.5...and her cousin can do stuff she can't do now, as well as the other way around

Also bear in mind the older ones will go through phases of being annoying (throwing tantrums etc) while the younger ones are still being funny and cute

I think your baby will get more interest as he grows, small babies are very boring. He may even get more attention being the younger, as he'll be doing adorable things when the older one is less cute. Yours is the 'baby' of the family.

For some reason people often fawn over girls more, especially dressed up in frills and ribbons.

Did you say DB was closer to your DM. Maybe there is a little bit of past angst coming up and you don't want the same for your baby.
It might be that your hormones are making you extra sensitive. I'm sure your worries will disappear as Baby grows,

I can honestly say that my DN, who is the third grandaughter in quick succession for my parents, is utterly adored & loved despite coming after two other girls. My DS is equally adored by my parents as their first (and most likely only) grandson, even though he is the fourth grandchild, whilst my lovely PILs adore each of their four grandchildren, who each have different attributes. I know it is hard not to compare, but try to resist. One of my SILs kicked up a huge fuss because my DD came first (she felt we had robbed her of the right to give my PILs their first GC - barking mad) but it was so silly. My PILs love DN just as much as DD.

My dad does this all the time and it drove me crazy but when my mum catches me rolling my eyes she says he does exactly the same to my sister about my children, he just likes to talk about his grandkids and it's always about the ones that aren't there.

Your SIL probably thinks she does the same about you and your lovely little one about how adorable he looked when he smiled, about how well he is sleeping/eating etc... I'm certain she will love them both the same and it won't always be him that is most interesting x

Nah, don't worry. My DC were no 5 & no 7 gc and now they're definitely the favourites...

YANBU

I think You have a choice- the gap between the two of them will even out in a year and a halfs time do you can wait til then. Or next time your mum does that, say something to her. It doesnt have to be aggressive, just point it out to her. Shes not being malicious and she probably doesnt realise shes doing it. I have a very good and open relationship with my DM so know that I could say that but its up to you.

My MIL has been to see our baby a handful of times, yet will happily take our nephew out everyday. SIL is pregnant again, she's 18 weeks pregnant and MIL has already spent a fortune on the baby. But has only ever bought our baby a few baby grows including some last week that are sized up to one month.. our baby is 6 months old I've now accepted the fact that our beautiful DD will always be second best with that side of the family. I'm aware I sound ungrateful, it's not the money I'm actually bothered about, I just wish she'd make time for her and come and see her every now and again.

If it helps, your DBro/SIL may be feeling a bit uncomfortable about it too.

DHs cousins baby (PILs are her closest relatives in this country so we see his cousin a lot) is 3 months younger than DS and my PILs have an unfortunate habit of pointing out all the stuff her DS can't do than mine can and worrying if he's ok. DH and I just cringe internally and loudly announce that 3m is a huge difference in toddlers. Luckily now the boys are 2 the differences get smaller.

When you have your first child and adore them so much then it is only natural to wonder whether you could possibly ever love subsequent children as much. Yes you do and you recognise and are proud of their individual characters. Grandparents are the same, they spread their love. You are very unfortunate if this is not the case. I think your hormones are making you over sensitive. Don't worry about It, enjoy your beautiful baby.

I bet the next time your mum goes round to see DN, she never shuts up about how tiny your DS is and how you do forget, how precious that time is etc. etc.

Don't start feeling competitive about what they're doing.
I had for a time in a group I was in someone who used to come up to me and say that their baby* had done this, had mine? Mine was 7 months older, and the answer always was "yes" and you'd see them deflate.
It made me feel embarrassed (she wasn't especially early at doing things, just 7 months is a big difference when you're talking under a year) and I found it really difficult.

*Was not proud mum but proud teen brother, which was very sweet in most ways but I did find it hard.

How about looking at it this way...... you can’t control anyone or anything. Can’t make anyone feel a certain way but you can control how you are. You can be your son’s biggest fan. You can decide to be there cheering him on always. I think he’s very lucky. I’m sure your baby will be loved by everyone but it’s not in your hands to control, gently let it go and be kind to yourself.

Congratulations 😘