To worry that my baby will always be second best?

[NameChangeyMcChangerson]

I think IA being a bit U, so prepared for people to tell me to grow up! I have a 7 week old baby. My nephew is 9 months. I adore him (I will admit to finding my SIL's pregnancy a bit hard to be around as I miscarried around the same time my nephew was conceived, but I've adored him ever since he was here), but I've started feeling a bit jealous on DS's behalf, which I know is terrible - my nephew is a baby!

The other day my mum came to see DS and immediately started telling me all about the cute/funny things DN does. The thing is, obviously DN does do funny, cute things and with every will in the world my tiny baby doesn't do much to talk about yet - he sleeps, eats and very occasionally smiles! But I worry that this will always be true - DN will always do everything first and so be at a more interesting stage.

When I was pregnant people asked a lot if it was my parents' first GC and I got a lot of disappointed 'ohs' when I said no - people seemed to think it was particularly disappointing that I was having another boy, so he's not a first anything. I found this a bit upsetting - I was so excited to be having my baby after a long time waiting and hoping - but brushed it off, but I'm now wondering - is a second grandchild always that bit less special? AIBU to worry that he'll always be second best?

Sorry, I mean 'when he was a newborn' - obviously he's still a baby!

Well, your mother is slightly tone-deaf for not catering to your new-mother PFB, I know I certainly would, but it will absolutely even out.

This thread is ridiculous and insensitive to people having fertility problems.

Get your DH to wake up for night feeds with expressed breast milk, you clearly need sleep.

I actually don't think you're being unreasonable. In my opinion any irrational feelings you get when babies are small are totally A-okay. I remember the ambivalence of wanting family to adore my children and simultaneously just fuck off. It was weird! The best way to ensure a solid relationship between your children and their grandparents is to get them to look after baby A LOT. Grandparents can be a bit simple(!); they often bond best with the grandchild that they are physically right next to.

This thread is ridiculous and insensitive to people having fertility problems.

?!

I think @Havaina probably meant that you should count your blessings and make the most of having your precious newborn with you, rather than sulking because your SIL 'got there first' and you're jealous that your parents find her baby more interesting than yours.

while I feel a few of them could have been slightly kinder,

Don't be ridiculous. This is AIBU. There has to be a percentage of spiteful, unnecessary replies. If they can miss the point of the OP as well they score extra points.

This thread is ridiculous and insensitive to people having fertility problems

How dare you try and make any woman, a new Mum, feel they are ridiculous, people cant help their feelings and there is ways and means of advising people if you hold a different opinion, as people have done on this thread how you wrote that is not one of them. This is Mumsnet in case you didnt notice. People are allowed to discuss their problems surrounding children without being accused of being "insensitive to people with fertility problems."

That's unbelievably unfair. I count my blessings that I have DS every single day; I feel so incredibly fortunate to have him. I have not said anything at any point that suggests I don't. Am I supposed to never have any trivial worries or concerns because I had miscarriages before him?

I also - as I said previously - don't feel jealous of my SIL at all, I feel (or felt, this thread has made me feel better about this) worried that DS will have a less close bond with his grandparents because they're initially less interested in him than they were and are in DN. I can now see that this is probably just a very fleeting stage, but it was him I was worried about, not sulking about wanting more attention for me. For what it's worth my mum has shown a lot of concern about me - my stitches got infected so I wasn't very well a couple of weeks after DS was born and she was very worried about that - it's DS, not me, that I want (I'm sure irrationally!) to get more of their attention.

Yes the rude spiteful replies amazes me sometimes, are these people that nasty in real life or does typing on a key board make it different?

People really did keep asking if he'd be my parents' first grandchild a lot though, and it was hard not to feel like it was the less good answer when I said no!

See, though, that’s much more about how you feel than how people might actually have reacted. I understand that it might feel more exciting to be able to say ‘yes, my mum is so happy she’s going to be a grandma, she can’t wait!’ but that doesn’t mean the people asking are somehow disappointed by your answer. That would really be ridiculous, wouldn’t it? Why would anyone else care?

I’m glad the thread has been helpful to you and I really hope you feel better soon. We all have our irrational moments like this so it’s really not fair to give you a hard time! My younger sister got married before me and at her wedding I couldn’t help feeling like people were looking at me wondering why I hadn’t got married first! Which of course they weren’t, but you can’t help the thoughts that pop into your head sometimes.

Congrats OP!

I think it's a combination of everything that everyone else said. It sounds like it'll all work itself out soon.

OP

It's such early days, they're probably trying to give you space and there's not much going on with a new baby - they're only human.

Things will work out as you hope. Good luck.

I wasn't a first grandchild and never felt second to anyone. My Nanna and I were very close, we had an amazing bond. I was her sixth grandchild. I loved all my grandparents and they loved me but there was this special bond between Nanna and I. So don't worry about it. Every person is unique and we connect with people in our own way. Your baby will too. The most important connection you should focus on is the one between you and your baby.

If your parents treated you and your brother equally and took joy in your different personalities and different skills, then it will be the same now. Your little boy will never be second-best to any normal grandparent, because it's not about firsts, it's about loving a new member of your family for all the special things that only they do. Your nephew might walk first, but your son will sit in a really cute snuggly way. When one cousin reads for the first time, the other cousin will have painted a recognisable picture of the cat.

I completely see where you're coming from OP. My DS1 was born extremely prematurely and statistically wasn't expected to survive. We've been so very lucky and he did pull through, but obviously all his milestones were very delayed (frankly we're bloody fortunate that he was able to meet all his milestones at all!). Anyway his cousin, also a boy, is 5 years older and was the first grandchild. Every time our DS achieved anything new we were so delighted and so relieved, yet MIL would invariably respond with "well his cousin was much quicker doing that" or "yes, all babies can do that". Every. Single. Time. It drove us round the bloody bend that she wasn't excited or impressed by anything he achieved.

Disclaimer: she thinks he's great now, nearly 13 years later!

Remember that you're playing the long game here and that ultimately it's about your son, not about you.

My youngest had this very much, since we lived far away but spent summer holidays together and there was obviously more bonding with the grandchildren who lived closest. For a few years, everything seemed to be about how cute and clever and lovely they were. But I hung in there, tried not to take offense- and the outcome is that ds has 3 great friends for life in his cousins and everybody says what a lovely boy he is. This is far more important to him as a teenager than somebody cooing a bit more over him as a baby- he won't remember that anyway.

If it helps, I had my parents' first grandchild. My eldest brother's daughter was born 8 months later. Whenever I see/speak to my parents they are always talking about my neice (and now other DNs) and I also have no doubt that they talk about my DCs when they see/speak to my siblings.

My DCs are now teens. My cousins are younger than me and my siblings and in turn have younger children. It is probably fair to say that at recent family gatherings my counsin's children have received a lot more attention, although of course my children are much more fascinating and can have proper conversations!

I did notice that my aunt appears closest to her eldest grandchild. I did ask her about this (in a nice way) and she said it is because he is now old enough that she feels she really knows his personality because it is more developed as he is older but also because she has spent more time with him (he is old enough to have had some sleepovers at her house whereas the younger ones haven't). She was, howeve,r expecting/hoping to develop similar relationships with the younger ones over time.

I'll go against the grain here and say that it is well established that PFB experiences are very different than second-borns. For all the parents' protestations that they treat all children the same, research shows that sibling order has huge effects on children (statistically).
To a much lesser extent (as there is not that daily interaction, and lots of confunding factors) why should the same not be true for grandchildren order?

I'll be the first to admit that my DC2's life so far has been VERY different to my DC1's first few years. And that my perceptions have been different too. DC1 at age four seemed terribly grown up and mature and was going through immense milestones. Nearly four years later, DC2 at age four seems cute and babyish and forever not able to do the things she'd need to be able to do to join in with DC1.
When DC1 was born, it was a milestone in my life - I became a mum. When DC1 started school, I started school (being a school parent) too. The same can not be said for DC2.

But here is the important bit - firstborns' experiences and our perceptions of firstborns' 'achievements' are different, not inferior to later children. There are advantages and disadvantages. E.g. first borns profit from having their parents' undivided attention and no competing sibling needs, whereas second borns profit from their parents' much increased experience in parenting and from having other little people around them to observe and imitate, right from the start of their lives.
And the same will be true for grandparents/grandchildren.

And perhaps being DC1 but also DGC2, they get the best of both worlds? They get to be the 'first' in daily life with all the attention and time, and yet they get to spend time with an older child who they can imitate/observe. They miss out on the rookie grandparents mistakes and on grandparents pressure and get to be the younger child who can get away with things the older mustn't do, to be the child whose needs might take priority whilst the older child is expected to wait.

You cannot change the fact that your child is the 'second grandchild'. Pretending that it doesn't matter seems to be a recipe for disappointment, because it quite likely does matter. What you can do is embrace the positives that come from this fact.

OP My DD got the benefit of being a "standout" grandchild - she was the fifth grandchild first but the first in quite a while. So she got a lot of extra attention I think. When no 6 grandchild appeared a couple of years later (not mine, my nephew) great grandchildren were starting to appear and as they live locally and no 6 doesn't it does seem like he hasn't had as much attention as he should have and gets rather lost.

But there's no malice here - it's just the result of circumstances. I can get irritated by my PILS but they are incredible at spreading the love around the family - they have a mass of step grand and great grandchildren who seem to get equal treatment with the biological ones so I can't fault them on that.

Thank you again - this thread has really helped. I've realised I was projecting really unnecessarily from this tiny bit of time to the future. I think I was imagining that because there was much less of a fuss about DS's first smile than his cousin's that meant that they'd never care about his achievements, which I can see looks mad written down! As people say, the dynamics will naturally grow and develop as the boys both grow - and hopefully they'll both really benefit from being so close in age.

My parents are constantly going on about the wonderful things that my nephews and nieces are doing. It used to drive me crazy until my brothers told me that they did exactly the same thing to them about my kids. Talk about fostering resentment! Maybe they think that they are just sharing interesting news about the other branches of the family. The truth is that a lot of people, especially excited new parents, are mainly interested in talking about their own DCs.

I understand, op. Although it’s the reverse with my DN... he’s the youngest cousin and the GPs always talk about his amazingly cute and hilarious sayings and activities (they seem to think he’s very advanced for his age- he’s really not!) and hardly about anything my own 2 kids do... but I just ignore them and enjoy my own 2 amazing, cute and hilarious (to me, anyway) kids.
Congratulations, 7 weeks is about when they start with the uber-cute facial expressions and sounds, enjoy every moment, it’s so precious.

It's only been seven weeks since you gave birth - you'll still be feeling hormonal and vulnerable and maybe still healing from the birth, so you are bound to be a bit sensitive at the moment.

Don't wish away your baby's tiny days - they'll fly by quick enough. He will always be number one to you and that is really all that matters. Yes DN maybe a little ahead now but once they get to toddler and young child age that will all even out. If any relatives try to compare them just ask them not to, and say ' all children are different' to shut down the conversation. But don't make your Mum feel bad for enjoying her other grandchild.

I would look on it as a wonderful thing for your DS - my children had cousins who were close in age to them, and it was brilliant - they've always got a chum and a playmate - they'll likely grow up very close and great friends, and you can never have too many people to be close to in your life.

And if it is any comfort - I was the youngest of four children, and i did everything quicker (walking, talking etc etc) than my siblings because I was so desperate to join in with them and keep up with them. That often happens with younger ones - the older child sort of pulls them up to t heir level, so chances are with his cousin that little bit ahead in agem your ds will catch up very quickly.

7 weeks and your body still has a million hormones dying around. Please go easy on yourself your allowed to be unreasonable. There will be mooments of jealousy and joy. Have a cry and spend some time with just mom and your baby - why not tell her how you feel. Have a cuppa and put your feet up xx