To worry that my baby will always be second best?

[NameChangeyMcChangerson]

I think IA being a bit U, so prepared for people to tell me to grow up! I have a 7 week old baby. My nephew is 9 months. I adore him (I will admit to finding my SIL's pregnancy a bit hard to be around as I miscarried around the same time my nephew was conceived, but I've adored him ever since he was here), but I've started feeling a bit jealous on DS's behalf, which I know is terrible - my nephew is a baby!

The other day my mum came to see DS and immediately started telling me all about the cute/funny things DN does. The thing is, obviously DN does do funny, cute things and with every will in the world my tiny baby doesn't do much to talk about yet - he sleeps, eats and very occasionally smiles! But I worry that this will always be true - DN will always do everything first and so be at a more interesting stage.

When I was pregnant people asked a lot if it was my parents' first GC and I got a lot of disappointed 'ohs' when I said no - people seemed to think it was particularly disappointing that I was having another boy, so he's not a first anything. I found this a bit upsetting - I was so excited to be having my baby after a long time waiting and hoping - but brushed it off, but I'm now wondering - is a second grandchild always that bit less special? AIBU to worry that he'll always be second best?

Don't worry - your DM is probably on the phone to your SIL right now, boasting about how well your baby sleeps and feeds, and how he is the most alert and charming 7 week old baby ever seen.

Grandparents tend to dote on all their grandchildren and think they are all wonderful.

You've had plenty of YABU comments, I'm just going to add that your Mum may well be going to see your sister and telling her what your DS is doing. It may only be as simple as he is getting bigger etc. at the moment, but try not to take it as a dig at your DS as I'm sure it isn't.

Are you sure your SIL hasn’t ever had a MC?

Are you sure yours should’ve been the ‘first?’

It’ll probably be the opposite, OP - when your little one is about 5/6 months old and at the gorgeous smiley gurgle stage, he’ll get more attention because people love babies.

My older DC used to get loads of attention in supermarkets etc. Now everyone just comes over to see the baby, and all poor DC gets is a belated, “ooh is this your baby?” And “you’re cute too!”

You’re also still in the brand new overwhelming hormonal stage - give yourself a break!

Just snuggle your gorgeous baby and think that one day soon, hopefully, he and his cousin will be best friends who play together

I understand where you’re coming from, but I think you’ll find that grandparents will love all their grandchildren equally and that, after the tiny baby stage, your child will be just as interactive as his cousin. For example, he’ll still be in the cuddly sitting on knees stage whilst she’s being a tricky toddler.

Having the first grandchild isn’t always easy either. The (well intentioned) focus from all sides is a bit intense.

My parents always rave about my brother's children to us, and then they rave about my children to my brother.

I am afraid it is very grating.

My only advice would be to have a quiet word with your mum and be honest, when she is with you you would prefer to talk about your baby, and then when she sees her nephew she can gush and talk about him there.

They will be great cousins and great friends, and your baby is not second best. I am surprised not more of your family members are cooing over your newborn. Nothing more lovely than a newborn baby.

Well, I had the first grandchild. And I had miscarriages around the time the DC’s cousins were emerging. And I have a child five months younger than another grandchild, and they are the same sex.

So I feel a little like I can see all angles. And OP, gently, yabu. Your baby is not as interactive - yet, your baby is wonderful and special and unique and will be the first grandchild to do a whole host of things. Your baby made your nephew a cousin and your siblings aunts and uncles and you parents - and they gave your parents reason to refer to their ‘grandchildren’ which had never happened before. As your baby grows they will hopefully be close to your nephew and they will become the firsts and the trailblazers together. And then every child after will add more and more wonder and firsts and interest and comparisons and fun and stories to tell - all the way through to adulthood.

zoosie - I'm not sure this is actually helpful - my feeling that I should have been first is irrational and unpleasant, so there's no justifying it - but DN was very unplanned (which of course had its own challenges, but that could be a bit tough to hear about when we'd been trying unsuccessfully for quite a while) so I am certain that both SIL and I always thought I'd be first! Which, as I say, doesn't change anything - that's no one's fault and it doesn't make it ok for me to feel jealous, I know that.

You can't compare a 7 week old to a 9 months old.

My oldest two are both 9 months behind their cousins. My mum does tend to go on about my DNs, but then she probably does the same in reverse when she's at my DB's house.

I'm sorry, I think YABU.

I'm the youngest and if I'd had children, my first child would have been my parents' No. 15 grandchild and DH's parents' No. 4. And that's without the several great-grandchildren that had already been born. Grandparents' probably wouldn't even have noticed another baby!

(I was the first infertile one though )

My inlaws have five grandchildren and love them all the same. They're all different and their grandparents recognise and celebrate that - there's the quiet clever one, the musical one, the other musical one in a completely different way, the arty one, the loud bouncy one...all loved equally and differently. It's never entered my head that my DS is loved any less by them because he's #4 of 5. I bet your mum has talked about your DS to your nephew's parents just as much, so try not to worry about it.

There's a huge difference in treatment between my daughter and nephew who is older than DD by 8 months. And nephews younger brother. Older nephew will always be golden grandchild.

But then this is my toxic Pils and not nice, normal DPs so I guess it's different.

You hear a lot on here that grandparents end up favouring/spending more time with their daughters' children, probably because a mother/daughter relationship is easier than a MIL/DIL one. I'm sure your baby will be incredibly exciting for your mum.

My experience has been that GMs end up much closer to their daughter's children than to their son's. It's because a daughter doesn't (usually) get upset when the GM says things like 'that child is having too many sweets' whereas the DiL will be upset and offended.

If your parents have always treated you and your sibling(s) equitably I don't think you have anything to worry about really, they are likely to consider their GC equal as well.

I wish I could say the same - my DBro was Golden Child and had Golden Grandchild, nothing my child managed could ever compare. In fact my mother actually compared my DS (youngest GC) to the little girl who lived next door to her: I told DM when she rang up that DS had just read a word out of one of his books, and her reply was: "So..? Little X counts in Y language going up the stairs and Z language coming down!" I was terribly hurt at this response, why couldn't she just be pleased for her own grandchild's achievement, rather than trying to trump it with an unrelated (although lovely) child's achievement?

So, you know, I doubt you'll get that kind of shit (there was lots more of that sort of thing to follow, usually based on what Golden Grandchild did rather than other kids) if your parents are actually quite nice. And you'll settle down a bit as your DS grows, you might still be a bit hormonal at this stage remembers daily crying over ITNG music at that time

YANBU

My stepbrother has a son who is 1.5 years older than DS and my SIL (DH’s sister) has a son who is only 2 months older than DS. So he’s the second grandchild on both sides. This doesn’t bother me at all as I’m not jealous and love my nephews.

However, my dad and stepmum have not taken much interest in DS so far. They haven’t visited much and have mostly wanted to bring my nephew (they look after him quite a lot) so he can see his cousin. They did visit without my nephew once and spent most of the time talking about him and very little time talking about DS. It was insensitive and hurtful.

On the other hand, PILs seem to have made an effort to give attention to both grandsons and not compare them or talk about one when visiting the other, which I greatly appreciate.

Sorry to share so much of my own experience but I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and you’re not BU. I hope this reply goes some way towards balancing out the nasty “get a grip” replies which are all too predictable and depressing.

I totally understand how you're feeling. As PP have said it won't always be like this at all. In a few years they'll both have they're own personalities and DN will be the arty one and your DS the sporty one or musical one or the one who loves skateboarding.

I think you just need to focus on your baby and how wonderful they are. I'm not the favourite child and neither is my husband but we just laugh about as we know we are loved. We even had the first grandson and while I know they adore him we haven't seen them for 5 months. Things are arranged and they cancel. I just love my boy more.

I don't think it is true that DS will inevitably end up closer to my parents because I'm their daughter - my mum has always been closer to DB (my dad is closer to me, though) and DB also lives much closer to them (10 mins down the road whereas we live an hour away) so they're always likely to see more of each other.

9 months is ideal grandparent age. Squishy, gurgly, no tantrums yet.. Your baby will be a squishy 12 month old when your nephew will have toddler tantrums, it'll be his turn then.

Thank you for all these replies - while I feel a few of them could have been slightly kinder, they've mostly been really reassuring and helpful in reminding me that while I do need to get a grip, it also isn't inevitable that the older child will be the more interesting at any given point, it's just a function of their ages right now.

If grandparents have favourites it’s not usually to do with age anyway

But the older child will usually be more “interesting” because they do everything first

your baby is a first tho.Hes you firstborn son(?) hes your brothers first nephew...your mums daughters first child.....and your nephews first cousin.yes?

I do think "is this the first grandchild?" has just become polite small talk rote so I'd try not to put too much weight on hearing it. The people asking won't have any idea of the emotional undercurrents of that question for you.

Like a pp's children, my grandparents on both sides had more than seven grandchildren by the time I came along. I never felt neglected or unfairly compared. When sharing our news (school plays, hobby achievements, subject choices etc.) they were as interested in our achievements as the cousins who came before and after. We're all different. I do hear a lot about what my cousins are up to, but that's sharing family news, and I want to know where X is going to uni, and how lovely Y's new baby is.

Maybe try reframing how you think about the comments? Your Mum is probably telling your SIL all about your snuggly new born.

Your feelings aren't unreasonable, people on this thread can empathize, but you recognise they're about your own fears & not anything to do with your DN. So long as you don't react by being sharp or dismissive about your DN just recognise the feelings are there & focus on your lovely baby.