To worry that my baby will always be second best?

[NameChangeyMcChangerson]

I think IA being a bit U, so prepared for people to tell me to grow up! I have a 7 week old baby. My nephew is 9 months. I adore him (I will admit to finding my SIL's pregnancy a bit hard to be around as I miscarried around the same time my nephew was conceived, but I've adored him ever since he was here), but I've started feeling a bit jealous on DS's behalf, which I know is terrible - my nephew is a baby!

The other day my mum came to see DS and immediately started telling me all about the cute/funny things DN does. The thing is, obviously DN does do funny, cute things and with every will in the world my tiny baby doesn't do much to talk about yet - he sleeps, eats and very occasionally smiles! But I worry that this will always be true - DN will always do everything first and so be at a more interesting stage.

When I was pregnant people asked a lot if it was my parents' first GC and I got a lot of disappointed 'ohs' when I said no - people seemed to think it was particularly disappointing that I was having another boy, so he's not a first anything. I found this a bit upsetting - I was so excited to be having my baby after a long time waiting and hoping - but brushed it off, but I'm now wondering - is a second grandchild always that bit less special? AIBU to worry that he'll always be second best?

My DS is 7 months younger than his cousin, who was my in-laws' first grandchild. I had similar worries to you - that my DS would always seem to be lagging slightly behind. They are now 2 and 2 months and 2 and 9 months and already you can't really tell the difference between them developmentally. Try and focus on how lovely it will be in a couple of years when they can play together! X

However, my dad and stepmum have not taken much interest in DS so far. They haven’t visited much and have mostly wanted to bring my nephew (they look after him quite a lot) so he can see his cousin. They did visit without my nephew once and spent most of the time talking about him and very little time talking about DS. It was insensitive and hurtful

Its usually women that drive and orgnanise the grandchild interaction, ime. It's natural that your stepmother is going to make more effort for her grandchild, over the step daughters child. It's your dad you need to talk to about it.

You need to stop all this comparison with who's had the first GC and who's baby is going to come first in the GP affections.

I have three GC. They are all different people. They will grow up as individuals. At the moment the eldest is about to start school and the youngest has just been born. They are all amazing in their own ways.

Why is it an issue for that your DN will do go through the growing phases before your baby? Of course she will but that doesn't mean she'll always be at a more interesting stage in her development or that you'll baby will develop in exactly the same way as his cousin.

My middle GC is very different from her older sister. She's full of her own fun and sense of humour, completely her own person and does things her sister never did. She's an amazing little person, not a pale copy of her sister.

Enjoy the wonderful little person that your baby is and stop thinking about how he will figure in other people lives and stop comparing him to your DN.

You are probably the only person thinking like that and it's not fair to him to do that.

And yes you are ABVU.

Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be just as interesting at that age too.

The difference between their ages will even put sooner than you think. My little girl is 14 months, but we have friends with 20/21 month old, and developmentally, they are pretty similar. There are things my daughter can do that they can't, and vice versa. The same friends looked massive and so capable when my daughter was a couple of months old, but the developmental chasm between them narrows quickly.

Take a 9 month old child, for example. Developmentally, some will be still learning to sit unaided, others will have been crawling for months and taken their first steps. There's such a wide range of ages for doing things after the first few months, that differences of age of a few months become meaningless v quickly.

And then it's brilliant, because he's got someone to play with!!

I do understand why you feel as you do, but just give it some time.

It doesn’t sound like your mum meant to compare, or thinks that because your baby is the second grandchild they’re any less, she sounds like she’s reaching for the grandparent-ing experience she’s already got? Little babies are lovely - I’ve got a six-week-old sitting on me now - but they’re not that interesting.

I had my first two weeks after my elder brother’s first was born, and four months before my younger brother’s first. It was great to swap experiences across the family, but they’ve all developed differently as children will. The absolute joy, now they’re all two and a bit, is getting them together and watching them play and explore the world.

This is your first, and you’re still very early days, so a bit of unreasonableness and sensitivity is probably par for the course - it certainly was for me!

I kind of know what you mean. With mil the first two grandchildren (siblings) were definitely favoured and when I had my second child there was generally less excitement and fuss all round compared to when I had my first and it’s still the case ten years on.

TheWinter
“It's natural that your stepmother is going to make more effort for her grandchild, over the step daughters child. It's your dad you need to talk to about it.”
I agree, it’s my dad who is crap and he always has been. Fwiw I don’t think it’s natural for him to take more interest in his stepson’s child than his daughter’s child (and he was the one making insensitive comments comparing the two, “I can’t wait until [DS] is more like [nephew]”!!!) but he sees his stepsons as his children. Dad and stepmum have been married for a long time, and my stepbrothers lived with them whereas I lived with mum, so he is arguably closer to them anyway. Usually story of a dad/grandad not making enough effort for his first child when he has a new family!

Just to be clear, I have conceded I am being unreasonable (I did it even in the OP!) and that I've found this thread really helpful in showing me that my fears - which, and this maybe I should have been clearer about, are entirely about DS feeling that he's less special, rather than any sort of me vs my brother thing - are unfounded because it'll shift as they age. So it's not really necessary to tell me that I'm unreasonable or to try and make me feel like a horrible person!

I do think "is this the first grandchild?" has just become polite small talk rote so I'd try not to put too much weight on hearing it.

I agree. There's a limited number of "safe" and socially acceptable questions you can ask a pregnant woman. If you are trying to show interest, this is therefore a pretty standard one after "boy or girl?" and before "have you got a car seat yet?". Try not to read too much into it.

My mum has three granddaughters- my DD and my sisters two DDs. She loves them all in really unique ways, so I really wouldn't be worrying!

As other people have said, there is a huge difference between a 7 week old baby and a 9 month old baby. Whilst your little one is still getting into a routine, your DN will be interacting (peekaboo anyone?). Eating solids, laughing, rolling over, crawling.

I think the family event may be excused. A lot of new parents are not happy with babies being passed around or woken up. There always posts here about 'She kissed my new baby'. 'He leaned in the pram and woke my new baby'. It could have been a give them space moment.

However the comparison thing is grating. I had it too, only mine were premature twins and they were compared to a single baby that was so overdue she had to induced. There was over two months difference at the point of birth between mine and SIL's. My twins combined weight was less than DN birth weight but still I wasn't feeding them enough, I wasn't keeping them warm enough - all in comparison to DN. Eventually, my DH said to his DM 'its like you only come here to talk about DN - you do realise we are seeing all this stuff on Facebook'. His parents denied it but DH went on 'You are missing out on being with the twins by going on and on about DN'. It did cause some tension, accusations of jealousy were bandied about but it all worked out in the end. Roll on 10 years and DD her cousin are great friends. She is a delightful child and she comes for regular sleepovers. The girls share a hobby and I have bought them the same Christmas present which I know they both love.

Have a word with your mum if its really upsetting you. Even if you mame it 'jokey'. These first few weeks are hard, lack of sleep, everything new but eventually, so don't be too hard on yourself. Relax. It will be wonderful for your DS to have a cousin close in age.

If you ever have another baby it’s even worse haha!

I hope you don’t mind me saying... do you think your loss may be something to do with this as well? Because your baby will be even more precious to you (and rightly so). Just wondered if it’s a factor, you know? It’s also very early days with your baby, your hormones are going nuts, be kind to yourself!

My in laws go on and on about their other grandkids - but with time I’ve realised it’s a) a way to make conversation and b) that they’re trying to make sure they don’t actually leave the older ones out, because they see us more. This is their way of trying to be fair, although it doesn’t feel like that to me - does that make sense?

Just a quick message of support. You didn't have your baby very long ago and it's natural to be emotional and protective of him, and proud. I agree that the gap will narrow as they get older. My child is one of many grandchildren all of the same gender, so I understand, but it becomes just the way it is and grandparents soon see the individuality in their GC. Your son will have his own cute mannerisms as he gets older. Once he's 9 months and DN is 17 months, DN might well be a lot of trouble to run around after and your DS might have a period being the easier option for them. Don't worry!

“So it's not really necessary to tell me that I'm unreasonable or to try and make me feel like a horrible person!”

You did post in AIBU and that’s the general tone of responses here

If you want a bit more kindness the relationships board is generally better!

I hope you don’t mind me saying... do you think your loss may be something to do with this as well? Because your baby will be even more precious to you (and rightly so). Just wondered if it’s a factor, you know? It’s also very early days with your baby, your hormones are going nuts, be kind to yourself!

Thank you. I don't know whether it's because I was so scared that I would never have DS (it was also a bit of a complicated and anxious pregnancy), or whether this is how everyone feels because of the hormones (I suspect the latter) but I feel insanely protective of him, which I think is why I find the prospect of him feeling like his grandparents find him less interesting than his cousin - which I fully admit is something I'm imagining in my head, not a reality! - so upsetting. I want him to never feel sad or rejected, which I know is not a realistic or even healthy goal!

I agree with Juelle. Grandparents are always closer to their daughters children.

My mum has a favourite grandchild. All I ever hear is about her. She sees her a few times a week and mine a few times a year, only when asked.
My son started school this week and she didn't even phone him. When my niece started last year she bought her all sorts of presents.
It's tough.

You’re probably still suffering bit of ‘baby mush brain’. It’ll sort itself out as the babies get older, and you won’t worry about it so much!

I'm going to go against the grain here but I don't think anybody is ever unreasonable for having a feeling of anxiety. It's how you deal with that feeling of anxiety that matters.

Mumsnet is full of threads where a grandparent has a 'favourite' grandchild and that is definitely the case in my family. Dmil - who I get on with - used to spend hours telling me about the other grandchildren and because they are close in age actually states where they are better than mine. I used to get angry about it (but just moan to dh) and eventually just stopped calling them because it upset me. I think dmil probably realises this and seems to go on about the other grandchildren less.

Op just be the best mum you can and see how you feel in a couple of years. It might be that your mum does focus more on your child or maybe she will develop a favourite in which case it will be hurtful but you sound self aware enough to develop a strategy to deal with it.

I have boy/girl DTs, who are the first gc for my parents. Family gravitated to DD more in the beginning because she was more advanced out of the two and interacted more. It did upset me, because it felt like nobody wanted to play with DS. It all changed once he caught up a little, and now they get equal attention from everyone, and in fact he steals the show sometimes!

Newborns whilst adorable and lovely for cuddles aren’t quite as fun as a slightly older baby (based purely on my own two!). Other family with multiple gc delight in our two, and I now don’t feel like either are left out or are less exciting than the others.

Hey - just chill!

They are so lucky to be so close in birth date. I have 7 GC and they all romp about as a gang of cousins and have such fun together. This will be the situation with yours and your nephew before you can blink.

I am afraid you are being crazily oversensitive!! And anyway - it is you and your OH who matter - what your mother thinks or doesn't think is wholly irrelevant.

Its probably been said but the other way of looking at it is that your DS is more special as he's the 'baby of the family', your SIL could say she feels her DS has now been overshadowed now there's a new boy in town.
It's ALL a load of rubbish of course. It's just life. There will always be an older kid in the family, and a younger one. Families grow.

I think the family event may be excused. A lot of new parents are not happy with babies being passed around or woken up. There always posts here about 'She kissed my new baby'. 'He leaned in the pram and woke my new baby'. It could have been a give them space moment.

I think this is why it bothers me a bit - it wasn't like that with DN when he was a baby, everyone used to argue over who got to hold him if SIL was going to the loo! Interestingly, I have noticed SIL (who is absolutely lovely) making a big effort to make a fuss of my baby, offer to hold him, etc. so I wondered if she noticed me feeling a little left out.

YABU. This reminds me of those threads where people complain about their friend/sibling 'stealing their thunder' by getting married first.

Live your own life instead of trying to compete for attention from your parents, who love all of their grandchildren.