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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD boyfriend is on the sex offenders register

619 replies

Brighton5555 · 05/09/2018 21:24

Just the title makes me feel sick.

My daughter is 16 and never had a boyfriend before. She met a young lad three months ago and told me he was 17. I was shocked because she kept him secret for the first month or so and she’s never had a boyfriend before.

I say shocked because it’s so not like her to keep things to herself but I do underdatand as her mother she’s not going to share every little detail of her life.

She had been seeing him a month when she told me about him. Then I find out he’s not 17 he’s 19. Then I find out this about him and I need advice.

She told me he is on the sex offenders register for 7 YEARS and he also has to visit a probation officer once a week during this time. She told me which is the story he told her that -

At college he got into a fight and hit someone ( I know it sounds like it’s getting worse ) and during the police investigation they searched his mobile phone where he states he had a couple of naked photos of his 17 year old girlfriend at the time. Due to her age ( I didn’t know 17 was classed as a minor ) and even though the girl agreed she sent them with her consent this is the reason my daughter tells me he is on the sec offenders register. I think she said something along the lines of a indecent image of a minor.

Something about this story just doesn’t make sense to me. I have all his details and am planning to go to my police station and just tell them what I have been told and that I’m really worried about the whole thing / is this young man a danger to children? My daughter ? Just because he says this is the reason doesn’t mean it is true.

They have been together 3 months now and this has only just come out. As much as she reassures me about the photos of a ex girlfriend and her being 17 and it ‘ not being that bad ‘ my gut tells me I think there is more to it.

Will the police think I’m overreacting?
Will they be able to at least warn me if he is considered a danger ?

I feel sick

OP posts:
Alexalee · 05/09/2018 22:49

If he's on the sor I would have thought a relationship with a 16 year old would breach his parole

WizzbangWallopWot · 05/09/2018 22:53

I'm not sure if this has been said ...... but is it at all possible he's fabricating this because he thinks it gives his street cred? Still awfully worrying but just maybe? X

chasinggarlic · 05/09/2018 22:55

Give your DD plenty of positive relationship examples. Watch movies, talk about your own experiences, very occasionally drop an example of a stupid 'freind' who stayed with a man who was grooming/starting to abuse her. You run the risk of losing her here, so while you find out all you can about this guy, encourage your DD into security at home.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/09/2018 22:56

Op have you actually met him and his family or are you simply going by what you hear from your daughter ? Because I think it is very unlikely that he is 19, or that any of his story is true.
Agree with everyone else, see the police.

Gudgyx · 05/09/2018 23:04

Nothing productive to add OP, just hope you and DD are okay

Steelesauce · 05/09/2018 23:06

Having worked with sex offenders, they are very good at minimising their offences and creating 'stories' about them. They'd often spin me one story and then I'd read their file and the full horrifying account would be there.

Please go to the police and I would go as far as forbidding my daughter from seeing him by any means possible. Get school on board, tell friends parents. Get everyone on board with you and get her away from him.

Meowstro · 05/09/2018 23:07

You sound like a great mum OP Flowers

For you and your daughter's sake, I hope his story is true. It's still not a shining example of the nature of your DD's boyfriend but the best possible outcome.

DieAntword · 05/09/2018 23:07

@WizzbangWallopWot pretty sure the only circles in which being on the sex offenders register gives you “street cred” are circles of creepy perverts.

Igletpiglet · 05/09/2018 23:09

I feel ill for you.
Agree with above, what greyhound Said.
What’s the bf like?

Someone wise above did question what effect it would have on your daughter to go without her knowledge to the police and on one hand that effect on your relationship is a deep concern.
But is the priority not to safeguard? Is there any way to gently go through claire’s Law with her and what it’s for? I feel sad that your daughter( all our daughters) has to have this on her radar in her first relationship. I feel sad that all kids have to be so hyper vigilant with cameras surrounding them as they grow and learn about themselves.
If you do go to the police, I really hope you and she have found a way to discuss why your instincts are so Triggered.
Has anyone gone to police citing claire’s Law about someone? Did you have a positive experience?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/09/2018 23:09

I agree this all sounds like lies. I hope you get some answers tomorrow.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/09/2018 23:11

Why do you think your daughter told you this about Him? I suspect that if she really believed everything was fine she would have kept this from you. Perhaps she has concerns or suspicions.

CherryPavlova · 05/09/2018 23:15

I know of a lad who was sent to prison at 18 years of age for having indecent photos of his 16 year old girlfriend on his phone. Her mother found them on her daughters phone and contacted the police. His phone was then seized. His crime was in opening the pictures.
He was sentenced to six months with the judge saying he wanted to set and example to others. It was terribly sad and destroyed his life.

I wouldn’t however want my daughter being with a lad that stored indecent images of her at such a young age. The risk is too high. Youngsters are so naive about these things and don’t realise it can impact on their futures just to be associated with a sex offender - even one with such a minor offence.

ThorsMistress · 05/09/2018 23:35

Definitely speak to the police OP hoping you get some answers

TheBeatGoesOnandOn · 05/09/2018 23:38

Even if he was telling the truth which I highly doubt he's still violent, ignorant of the law and is shady as fuck if he changes his name.

Hardly great boyfriend material. Does she really want the hassle of all that and not knowing if there really is something else?

I'd be heading for a different Continent, let alone the hills.

Despacitoincognito · 05/09/2018 23:40

Please make sure that she doesn't tell him you're going to the police. If he knows he's about to be found out and the relationship is about to be over he may escalate things quickly to get whatever it is he's after before it ends. Please please be careful OP.

Haireverywhere · 05/09/2018 23:41

I second what Steelesauce has said re minimising. His story seems off.

Good luck OP.

VanGoghsDog · 05/09/2018 23:41

I'd like to add two things:

  1. regardless of the sex offenders register bit (which has been well covered by previous posters) - he's been convicted of assault, that's not great on its own!
  2. maybe go to the police station and ask for advice, ask them if you can take your DD to talk to them, but do these two things separately so you know what she's going to hear and are prepared.
Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 05/09/2018 23:44

As others have said his story is not going to be true - consensual sharing of images with 17 year old victim would not result in him being on sex offender register.
You want to take your daughter to police and request disclosure of offences under Sarah's law (Clare's law is for DV - Sarahs for sex offenders). When you ask for this information there will almost certainly be a referral to children social care too made by police. Don't worry - this will about supporting you to safeguard your daughter.
Your other option is to go directly to children social care who could support you in getting the information you need & will look at who is best placed to support your daughter regarding understanding healthy relationships, grooming etc.

40isnew50 · 05/09/2018 23:47

I would be concerned too if it was my DD but he could be telling the truth. Have you spoken to him about it? Met his parents? See what the police say before jumping to any conclusions. And images of under 18s is an offence regardless of whether there was consent and they were in a relationship.

I am not saying he is telling the truth but it could be that he is and there are scores of people on here baying for his blood when it could all be like he said.

Hope it all turns out ok x

AnoukSpirit · 05/09/2018 23:53

He's already been grooming her, hence her keeping the "relationship" secret and the unquestioning belief in his story.

Be very careful not to push her away from you and further towards him.

She won't see it the way you are; she will be thinking in terms of love and loyalty, so will most likely dig in with her defense of him.

Asking questions to get her thinking along the lines you are, to sow seeds, and give her ways to open up or voice niggling worries is much more likely to work than trying to ban her from seeing him or coming down harshly against him. She'll just keep it a secret again if you do that, and you really, really want her to feel able to come to you if anything gets worse or goes horribly wrong.

He's probably already been spinning her tales of "us against the world", so you'll play into his hands if you overtly try to split them up. She needs to be guided to her own decision if it's to be lasting.

Once you get to that point get her on the Freedom Programme so she can learn about healthy relationships and have a much stronger chance of being able to spot and avoid men who are manipulating and grooming her. She's vulnerable. Being targeted once will likely make her more vulnerable to being targeted again. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

PeaceRaven · 05/09/2018 23:53

For the most part the police wouldn’t give a royal fuck about a 17 and 18 year old UNLESS they really wanted to do him for ‘anything’. If he was 18 there would be no anonymity so surely you can just look it up in local news? 🤔

windysocks · 06/09/2018 00:01

sounds like a pack of lies -I would go to police asap

EvilRingahBitch · 06/09/2018 00:03

It sounds a lot like he’s googled “what’s the least scary thing that you can do that will land you on the sex offenders’ register?”

Yes an 18 year old can be on the register for possession of consensually taken pictures of his 17 year old girlfriend, because it’s a criminal sexually offence, and yes most people would think “that’s really harsh, I don’t think he’s actually a threat”. But OTOH it’s an easy story to tell to hide a far worse truth.

flossietoot · 06/09/2018 00:20

He is talking crap- I have worked with young people with convictions and would be amazed if he was put on the SOR for this- I have had boys do a hell of a lot worse and got a wrap over the knuckles. You mention he has siblings- without meaning to upset I wouldn’t be surprised if it is something historic relating to that- I have seen that numerous times.

smudgedlipstick · 06/09/2018 00:21

Call the probation office and ask for advice, they won't give you any information but if you give them his name and her details they will most certainly follow it up. A lot of probation terms are that they have to notify if they are in a new relationship, and sometime they will ask to meet the new partner to make sure they hve been told the absolute truth about why they are ok the register. Call the probation office.