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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD boyfriend is on the sex offenders register

619 replies

Brighton5555 · 05/09/2018 21:24

Just the title makes me feel sick.

My daughter is 16 and never had a boyfriend before. She met a young lad three months ago and told me he was 17. I was shocked because she kept him secret for the first month or so and she’s never had a boyfriend before.

I say shocked because it’s so not like her to keep things to herself but I do underdatand as her mother she’s not going to share every little detail of her life.

She had been seeing him a month when she told me about him. Then I find out he’s not 17 he’s 19. Then I find out this about him and I need advice.

She told me he is on the sex offenders register for 7 YEARS and he also has to visit a probation officer once a week during this time. She told me which is the story he told her that -

At college he got into a fight and hit someone ( I know it sounds like it’s getting worse ) and during the police investigation they searched his mobile phone where he states he had a couple of naked photos of his 17 year old girlfriend at the time. Due to her age ( I didn’t know 17 was classed as a minor ) and even though the girl agreed she sent them with her consent this is the reason my daughter tells me he is on the sec offenders register. I think she said something along the lines of a indecent image of a minor.

Something about this story just doesn’t make sense to me. I have all his details and am planning to go to my police station and just tell them what I have been told and that I’m really worried about the whole thing / is this young man a danger to children? My daughter ? Just because he says this is the reason doesn’t mean it is true.

They have been together 3 months now and this has only just come out. As much as she reassures me about the photos of a ex girlfriend and her being 17 and it ‘ not being that bad ‘ my gut tells me I think there is more to it.

Will the police think I’m overreacting?
Will they be able to at least warn me if he is considered a danger ?

I feel sick

OP posts:
LimboLuna · 06/09/2018 12:37

I knew someone who lied about going to prison, he would tell tales of his time inside.

He’d never even had a warning (I did check with the police)
It was weird, the only thing I can think of was he was trying to play the big man.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/09/2018 12:47

This must be awful for you OP.
I'd be going the police as well with all of this.
He is not right.
As others have said - he is grooming her.
Take a picture of him with you as I imagine he's given a totally false name to your DD.
Good luck.

chasinggarlic · 06/09/2018 12:51

It was weird, the only thing I can think of was he was trying to play the big man.

I get that, but seriously, if someone is looking to big themselves up they don't pick sex offences as their crime! They literally become amount the most hated

Wadewilson · 06/09/2018 13:00

A friend of mines exH is on SOR for 10 years. He had a jail sentence of around 16 months I believe it was and he served around 10 months.

His crime was texting a 15 year old girl telling her she was beautiful, he loved her and wanted to leave his wife for her. He also arranged to meet her once.
There was no suggestion anything physical happened (from either him or the girl) but her age alone was enough to convict him.

Therefore, I'd say it would definitely be possible to get a 7 year SOR sentence for having a picture of a minor. He may be telling the truth in that respect.
However I very much doubt his phone would be checked because he punched someone at college. I would also think it was probably a serious assault if the police were involved not a little scrap. That would be enough for me to not want my daughter to be with him to be fair.

FelicisWolf · 06/09/2018 13:45

Those sentenced for six months or less are placed on the register for seven years ... Those cautioned for a sexual offence are put on the register for two years

Even though having an image of a 17 year old is illegal, and therefore he could have been prosecuted for this, there is a lesser sentence available that could have been given to him (a caution). Therefore his crime deserved a stronger punishment, which I can't see would be just snapping a consensual pic of his 17y/o girlfriend

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/09/2018 13:49

Invite him round for a meal. Meet him. See why he is like - ask to meet his parents

If he refuses he is hiding something

I hope your dd hasn’t had sex with him tho legally they can

Did you go to police

MycatsaPirate · 06/09/2018 13:58

I bet he's older than 19.

Reading your posts, it seems like he's grooming your daughter and alarm bells are ringing loudly.

Good luck with the police. Even if it was an assault and indecent images of a 17 year old, I wouldn't want my daughter being with such a man. He clearly wouldn't be adverse to asking her to send similar images and I'd advise you to talk to your daughter about that. And what kind of prospects does a man like that have? Won't even be able to go on holiday if he's on probation!

Tell your DD she can do so much better.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 06/09/2018 14:01

I would guess at older than 19 also... Does he have social media you can check? Good luck at the police.

SpringSnow · 06/09/2018 14:04

Your daughter needs to be careful because if she is associated with a nonce her, and your family, could suffer the backlash.

NotTakenUsername · 06/09/2018 14:10

Having read everything I believe him.
I think the assault was likely quite severe, but beyond that I’m quite satisfied the story can add up.

Of course it is important to also verify it independently with the advice you have been given. But I wouldn’t be surprised to find he has been honest in the information he has shared.

Best suggestion I have read is (after you do you background research) to bring him in, have him around your table and make a judgement call on him based on that as well.

And hopefully it will just be a phase and the relationship will fizzle out when it is not forbidden or rebellious.

MipMipMip · 06/09/2018 14:26

If he has been grooming I'm sure having him round the table he would seem lovely. Predators groom entire families.

Police and Claire's Law. Sorry.

mindutopia · 06/09/2018 14:38

The sentencing guidelines for sexual offences give a range from high level community order to a 6 month custodial sentence for possession of sexual images of a child (assuming they are the least extreme kinds, the sorts that teens might sext each other). His placement on the SOR seems to indicate he served some sort of custodial sentence. That wouldn’t have anything to do with the fight. It would have to be directly related to the sexual offence.

It would be the fact he’s changed his name and has weekly contact with his PO that would worry me though. That would indicate there’s maybe more to it than that. I have a family member who committed a more serious offence (sexual assault of a young child) for which he got a 3 year sentence and was on SOR for 10 years. I’m pretty sure he didn’t see his PO weekly.

I hope you get some answers op. Keep communication open with your dd. Hopefully she’ll come around and see him for what he really is when the story doesn’t add up. For what it’s worth though, I had a horrible bf at that age, who when I met him was on trial for accessory to attempted murder (helped a friend cover up a murder attempt), also stole a car shortly thereafter, a few drunken assaults, etc. I dropped him eventually when the novelty wore off, but having an open relationship with my mum and talking about it helped a lot. She didn’t judge or criticise me for making what I now see (as a grown up with dc myself) was a pretty dumb choice in a partner.

NotTakenUsername · 06/09/2018 14:45

MipMipMip I don’t disagree, but if that brings up nothing, then what?

FishesThatFly · 06/09/2018 14:47

OP - Did you go to the police?

overnightangel · 06/09/2018 14:48

“A 19 year old going out with a 16 year old is creepy enough”

Hmm Lots of things to be concerned about on this thread, this isn’t one of them
BumbleeBeeMe · 06/09/2018 14:51

Nothing really to add just wanted to say that it must be so worrying for you, I think you're doing the right thing checking Thanks

Purplelemon · 06/09/2018 14:59

Name changed for this.

OP, tell your DD to think of her future. Even if she believes her boyfriend is no risk, the implications on her life could be huge.

For example, if they got serious and she moved in with him, she wouldn’t be able to work with children (disqualified by association). If she had a baby with him, how would she feel about undergoing a pre-birth assessment by SS? It could come back NFA if they think he’s no risk, but even so does she want to go through a pregnancy with that hanging over her?

Does she want to travel? Move away?

How would she feel about friends finding out? Any future children’s school knowing?

Being paranoid every time she has an enhanced DBS check that police intelligence will be recorded that she lived with a sex offender?

I’ve been in your DDs shoes when I was 18. Please have serious discussions with her about the points I have mentioned. I wish someone would have told me all this. It’s not just about whether he’s lying or minimising.

HelloToYou · 06/09/2018 15:05

Oh god! This is why I'm glad my DH is 6 foot 4 and built like a body builder, no way on this earth would we let our daughter at 16 years old be allowed anywhere near this man!
Just would not happen!

It's your job to protect her, she is still a child.

His story has so so so many holes in it.

chasinggarlic · 06/09/2018 15:09

OP already knows that hence asking for advice!

I'm not sure the threat of a tall man is the answer though Confused

RueDeWakening · 06/09/2018 15:10

The safeguarding training I did this week said that any under 18 is considered a minor if sending images, even if they're over the age of consent, so that bit rings true. I'm not sure about the probation officer bit, though, unless he sent the pics he received onto someone else, in which case he's distributed said images which is much more serious.

SidesofFeet · 06/09/2018 15:16

Without knowing what has caused him to be on the sof, for now I'd be more concerned about the assault. I wouldn't want my 16 year old with someone who had hit someone so hard that the police had to be involved.

Hope you can find out more information. Knowledge is power.

Charmatt · 06/09/2018 15:17

I was going to give you the advice Purplelemon has given - ask your daughter to think carefully about how a longer term relationship with this man may impact on her future choices.

VanGoghsDog · 06/09/2018 16:01

Who you live with is not recorded on a DBS disclosure. And I'm not sure you can be disqualified from a job by association, I'd be interested to see some source information for that?

inmyshoos · 06/09/2018 16:03

Been thinking about your situation all day op. Really hope you got some answers at the police station. Flowers

kateandme · 06/09/2018 16:03

im not sayig he is innocent.but people saying inviting him round judge him from there.oh god no.if he is a predator this is where he will shine.they live for this shit.acting and groom families so easily.and then sometimes after they have the family member the victim starts to see the real him,and then cant get her parents to believe this new lovely lad to the family.