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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think his mother's house is filthy?

133 replies

Wasither · 05/09/2018 21:14

I've recently started dating a new man, and met his family at the weekend.
His mother is a cleaner, so I expected the house to be reasonably clean but it was awful. I might be bu, as I'm sure there are much worse houses around but i was cringing.

The carpet looked grimy, and felt gritty under my feet (asked to remove shoes). There was dog hair everywhere, I know this can't be helped when you have a dog but the amount seemed really excessive.
The lino in the kitchen was grubby and you could see bits of food on it.
They don't have a kitchen bin so all rubbish including empty meat packets and vegetable peelings was piled in a heap on the work surface.
There wasn't a draining board at the sink, all "clean" dishes were sat in puddles of water.
Glasses from the cupboard still looked dirty.
The cooker and hob was so thick with grease you could see indents from where pans had sat.

Aibu / judgy to think it's disgusting?
When I was offered a drink i felt really uncomfortable drinking it when I saw how grimy the glass was, and I really don't think I'd feel comfortable eating there.

For background/context, his mother is in her mid 50s, so not old and struggling to manage.
My mother always had extremely high standards re cleanliness, so my views may be skewed because of this. My home growing up was always spotless, and I have similar standards now myself.
My mother always said you could tell a lot about people's standards by their skirting boards, so I always make sure i wash them, same with light switches, plug sockets, anything dust can land on really. So I'm aware my background might be a bit excessive, so really want to check if iabu or not

OP posts:
PeakedTooEarly · 05/09/2018 21:15

Yep that's minging!

Oysterbabe · 05/09/2018 21:17

My parents house is disgusting, worse than you describe. But they're good people and I love them so just kind of suck it up when I visit. I doubt you'll be there much so it doesn't really matter.

PeakedTooEarly · 05/09/2018 21:18

I have a friend with a house like that. I always get the scuds after visiting her. I get asthma too as the place is so dusty. I avoid her gaff now and try and meet her in a pub or a cafe. Anyone with an egg shell collection piled up on the worktop to a foot or so high with flies the size of corgis flying around it must have issues surely?

Hufflefloof · 05/09/2018 21:22

I have a family member who’s house is like this and worse. I have a strategy of suggesting we go out for a cuppa, or meet out for lunch, rather than eating or drinking at their house. If I can’t avoid, I always take a bottle of water or pop, so if I’m offered a drink, I can say I have one and just stick to that. I also have to call at a supermarket on my way there to use the loo, so I don’t have to use theirs. It’s grim!

CSIblonde · 05/09/2018 21:22

Eww. I had a friend like that years back. Her kids had constant stomach bugs.I'd buy her a bin at pound land or the market & tell your bf to say its prezzie from him so not to upset her:And a drainer. Cleaning doesn't pay well anywhere except London IME. Is she hard up?

BlackForestCake · 05/09/2018 21:26

Never mind what his mum's is like, what is his place like? If that’s OK then there’s no big problem.

IdahoJones · 05/09/2018 21:26

Maybe her son could help her out a bit?

TheWernethWife · 05/09/2018 21:27

Being hard up doesn't stop you cleaning, budget shops sell cheap bins and cleaning products.

Wasither · 05/09/2018 21:28

I'm concerned dp might think it's normal.
His flat is alright, not quite as clean as I'd like but nowhere near the state of his mother's. He did make a comment once about how I couldn't possibly clean the hob after every use. If I've fried something and there's oil splatters I'll clean it as soon as I've eaten and the hob is cold.

I'm one of those people where everything has it's place, junk is thrown immediately. Every surface wiped after use in the kitchen etc. I hate clutter, mess and everything like that. It has been commented that my house is more like a showhouse than a home but i like it to be clean and tidy.

I'm hoping this won't be a big enough deal to affect our relationship, but if his standards are similar to his parents I don't know how it can't tbh

OP posts:
QueenOfMyWorld · 05/09/2018 21:30

With all the "smart price" products available nowadays there is no excuse for this it's slovenly

ourkidmolly · 05/09/2018 21:31

I think you sound 100 % more interested in your cleaning than him so I'd agree that the relationship is doomed.

stressedtiredbuthappy · 05/09/2018 21:32

Csiblonde I'm up north and I earn very well as a self employed cleaner.
Maybe after working all day she just can't be arsed?
Did you say her son lives at home and does she have a partner? If so why aren't they pulling their weight?

Wasither · 05/09/2018 21:32

csi dps father has a good job in management, and she does 3 cleaning jobs so they have a decent monthly income. They have foreign holidays every year according to dp so can't be too hard up.

idaho dp lives 30m away from her and works 40+ hour weeks so would struggle to find the time.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 05/09/2018 21:33

I think you're too different, OP, and I'd rethink the relationship. I would really struggle with a house like that and you're far more houseproud than I am!

Did she know you were calling round?

IdahoJones · 05/09/2018 21:34

I wouldn't think you'd be compatible with someone who defined 'clutter' differently from you. That's a good thing to check, I guess.

I'd hate someone chucking out my stuff. I keep a lot of paperwork, books, computer disks, files etc. Equally, some people don't like keeping paperwork and chuck the lot.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 05/09/2018 21:35

How hilarious ‘you can tell a lot about people’s standards by the state of their skirting boards’. It’s a load of crap really. Standards of what? Nothing meaningful. It sounds like her house is messy and that suits them. Your house is spotless and that suits you.

Wasither · 05/09/2018 21:37

stressed she finishes at 3pm every day, so does have the afternoon available. How tired she is after work though i don't know.
Dp doesn't live with her anymore, he's in his mid 30s.
Her husband (dps father) lives there, but as far as I can tell he does nothing in the house. He didn't make himself a coffee when we were there instead walking past the kettle to ask her to stop pegging the washing out and make him a drink. Dp didn't seem surprised by this so I'm guessing it's normal.

OP posts:
InezGraves · 05/09/2018 21:38

You mention your boyfriends’ parents — if he’s got an able-bodied father, why is the mess his mother’s responsibility?

Rebecca36 · 05/09/2018 21:38

It sounds minging but you say she works as a cleaner, it's possible she is just so tired. Could probably do with employing a cleaner for herself but that's obviously not on the cards. I can't help feeling sorry for her, don't know why.

As your boyfriend lives so far away from his parents you have surely visited his home and can judge if he has higher standards of cleanliness. You're involved with him, not his parents.

happinessischocolate · 05/09/2018 21:38

He's an adult and had his own place which you say isn't too bad cleanliness wise so why are you worried?

My dad was ocd and our house was spotless, I'm not so tidy, left to my own devices I try but I get knackered and get depressed and it all gets too much but my DP is ocd like my dad, which makes life easier as it never builds up so I keep it clean too.

I wouldn't worry, if he's reasonably clean on his own then with your ocd too you'll be fine

InezGraves · 05/09/2018 21:39

X-post.

EdisonLightBulb · 05/09/2018 21:41

Your last sentence was more of a red flag yo me than the grubby house.

Wasither · 05/09/2018 21:42

hollow yes she knew, she invited us because she wanted to meet me. That's what I'm concerned about, that we might be too different. It's a shame though because i really like him and other than this (which is his family rather than him specifically) he's great.

idaho I keep a lot of paperwork, but it's all filed away in box files and ringbinders. I have no issue with things being kept as long as they have their place and put away not just left lying around. I wouldn't want to risk losing something and not being able to find it if I need it.

labradoodlie god knows. Standards of cleanliness I presume. It was just always drummed into me to make sure skirting boards, light switches, plug sockets, lamp shades etc were dusted when I was a child cleaning my room

OP posts:
user1495390685 · 05/09/2018 21:42

Well, I'd say opposites can attract. Obviously, it's hard to live with a slob, but you say he is not. If he is worth it, I'd look past all this. Surely if you love him, you don't really care what his place looks like. And you don't have to live with his parents (my partner's
parents house was the same -- we both hated going there).

BarbarianMum · 05/09/2018 21:43

The only thing you can tell from a person's skirting boards is whether they have too much time on their hands and limited imagination. Or a mental illness.

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