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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think his mother's house is filthy?

133 replies

Wasither · 05/09/2018 21:14

I've recently started dating a new man, and met his family at the weekend.
His mother is a cleaner, so I expected the house to be reasonably clean but it was awful. I might be bu, as I'm sure there are much worse houses around but i was cringing.

The carpet looked grimy, and felt gritty under my feet (asked to remove shoes). There was dog hair everywhere, I know this can't be helped when you have a dog but the amount seemed really excessive.
The lino in the kitchen was grubby and you could see bits of food on it.
They don't have a kitchen bin so all rubbish including empty meat packets and vegetable peelings was piled in a heap on the work surface.
There wasn't a draining board at the sink, all "clean" dishes were sat in puddles of water.
Glasses from the cupboard still looked dirty.
The cooker and hob was so thick with grease you could see indents from where pans had sat.

Aibu / judgy to think it's disgusting?
When I was offered a drink i felt really uncomfortable drinking it when I saw how grimy the glass was, and I really don't think I'd feel comfortable eating there.

For background/context, his mother is in her mid 50s, so not old and struggling to manage.
My mother always had extremely high standards re cleanliness, so my views may be skewed because of this. My home growing up was always spotless, and I have similar standards now myself.
My mother always said you could tell a lot about people's standards by their skirting boards, so I always make sure i wash them, same with light switches, plug sockets, anything dust can land on really. So I'm aware my background might be a bit excessive, so really want to check if iabu or not

OP posts:
nottodaybitch · 06/09/2018 00:43

I think I would worry if the relationship progressed to marriage and children. There is a huge difference between messy, untidy, and filthy. How'd you like to take your small children there or spend holidays eating dinner from a filthy and unsanitary kitchen? I could overlook some clutter and dust but their home sounds unsanitary. I personally could not because it would make me ill to even think about it.

I'm sorry some people felt the need to tell you that being adverse to filth makes you the crazy one.

BloodyDisgrace · 06/09/2018 07:57

My mother always said you could tell a lot about people's standards by their skirting boards
That's a good one only for someone who doesn't work. Otherwise, after full-time hours, other things than skirting boards might take precedence, such as interests.
I would be uncomfortable in this house (like avoid eating or drinking from a greasy glass, I ask in pubs very often to pour my drink into another one if I see some lipstick on the rim), but wouldn't judge her.
What's important is that the boyfriend's house is not a tip.

BloodyDisgrace · 06/09/2018 08:11

I'm going to be a bit nasty here. This woman, you said, is a cleaner. Well, she must be cleaning MNers houses all day ... And then one pops up here to say how dirty her own house is. Irony.

I wonder how many "spotless" people here have a cleaner and should shut the fuck up about others. And the person who spends every leisure hour after work on cleaning could be a rather dull company...

Pinkyyy · 06/09/2018 08:15

Interesting that she asked you to remove your shoes, makes me think she was once house proud and perhaps she is in fact struggling at home for some reason

BitchQueen90 · 06/09/2018 08:18

That sounds grim and I would judge.

I am a single working parent, cannot afford a cleaner and I manage to keep my home clean. I'm not obsessed with cleanliness and don't often do areas like behind the sofa or the skirting boards but overall my place is clean. I always clean the hob, dishes and sweep the kitchen after dinner every evening. It literally takes seconds to wipe a hob.

A bit of dust on the telly or skirting board wouldn't bother me at all. Dirty crockery and food on the floor absolutely would.

greendale17 · 06/09/2018 08:18

How hilarious ‘you can tell a lot about people’s standards by the state of their skirting boards’. It’s a load of crap really. Standards of what? Nothing meaningful. It sounds like her house is messy and that suits them.

There is messy and there is dirty. Why would you invite a guest to your house but then not make an effort to clean a little bit?

OutPinked · 06/09/2018 08:26

I’ve noticed a few posters on MN recently commenting on how they never get stomach bugs so it must mean their house is absolutely spotless. It’s just nonsense. If you leave your house and enter the outside world to communicate with other people then there’s a chance you will get a stomach bug. The cleanliness of your house really has little bearing on it.

I almost never clean skirting boards either so I guess I’m a sloven Wink or I just have a career and DC to focus on so my skirting boards aren’t a priority...

HOWEVER, her house doesn’t sound too great. There’s a difference between a bit untidy and filthy. I would be avoiding visiting as much as possible.

Pissedoffdotcom · 06/09/2018 08:28

The skirting board inspectors sound like the old army march out inspectors my folks had when we were kids...i kid you not they would wear white cotton gloves & scope out skirting boards, dado rails, doorframes. Who needs that level of clean ffs totally misses the point of the thread, sorry OP

LadyKyliePonsonbyFarquhar · 06/09/2018 08:28

YANBU. I would proceed with caution in this relationship OP as you don't seem compatible in this respect. I applaud your high cleaning standards even if they seem a little obsessional and I think it would be difficult for you to live with someone who isn't the same.

nakedscientist · 06/09/2018 09:11

Read and weep, people:

To think his mother's house is filthy?
nakedscientist · 06/09/2018 09:16

Just being lighthearted OP!

Your MILs house sounds dreadful. There is probably a middle ground though Grin

SeriousAlligator · 06/09/2018 09:25

It was drummed into me to do things like that too, and I haven't done it since leaving home lol
I'm not as bad as this though.
I wouldn't say someone's parents house being minging is a deal breaker op. If his is reasonable and you don't visit all the time.

straightjeans · 06/09/2018 09:27

Because she is a cleaner, getting on top of all that cleaning is probably the last thing she wants to do when she gets home.

I would offer to blitz her house for her omg with your partner and then it's on her to keep on top of it.

LaContessaDiPlump · 06/09/2018 09:35

How old are you op? If you're of an age where you might be considering have kids with this man, I'd cut my losses now. I can hear the 'His mum thinks I'm overly house-proud and I think she's a slattern', 'DH isn't half as tidy as I'd like and I do all the work' and 'My baby certainly isn't going THERE for a visit' threads now (so to speak). A world of pain awaits you if you proceed!

Having said that, it does sound gross.

I have never cleaned skirting boards unless the house was up for sale Blush

Morethanthisprovincallife · 06/09/2018 09:51

Dh dashes off to do plates when we entertain and I think it's really rude and they can wait.

Also jumps on Xmas, bday wrapping paper as soon as present opened. Just some stuff he leaned growing up, we try and laugh about it.

Oopsy41 · 06/09/2018 09:55

My mother in laws house is like this and I've never so much as had a drink there in the 20 years I've been with her son. Luckily hes not like this whatsoever.

Deadringer · 06/09/2018 10:04

It sounds a bit grimy but it doesn't sound like a health hazard to me. We all have different standards though. My skirting boards are pristine but only because they have just been painted

DarklyDreamingDexter · 06/09/2018 10:06

The parents house seems a bit grim, but if his home is ok - even by your high standards - what's the problem? You worry he maybe trying to impress you by being tidier than normal? Good! A new habit maybe forming if that's the case and at least he cares enough to try! Relax and see what pans out! (Just avoid going to his parents house if it's that mucky and suggest meeting them for a drink at the local pub instead, if that's an option.)

Wasither · 06/09/2018 10:10

disgrace it doesn't take long at all to run the hoover round and a quick dust if you do it often. I find cleaning only takes up all leisure time if the house is dirty to begin with. If I cleaned once a week it would take longer than a quick wipe round daily.

To clarify, I don't care about skirting boards, I was trying to explain how obsessively clean my parents are and how their house was growing up. Just to give a bit of background on what I was used to and say that I understand that's excessive but it might be skewing my view of their house. I do still clean my skirting boards when mopping floors or dusting, but I don't do it daily and wouldn't freak out if I didn't do it.

pissedoff minus the white gloves that was my mother! After us being told to clean our rooms as children she would come in and "check" them, complete with running fingers along all surfaces.

provincial I agree that's excessive. If I have guests I just make sure the plates are next to the sink and wash them when everyone has left. Same with wrapping paper, it can wait till all presents are open, but I wouldn't leave it on the floor all day. I'd make sure it was binned once presents were open and definitely before going out.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 06/09/2018 10:10

My parents house was like that. My house and my three siblings houses are not like that.
People are different and are bothered by different things. If they are nice people, don't judge their house.

ChimesAtMidnight · 06/09/2018 10:20

He didn't make himself a coffee when we were there instead walking past the kettle to ask her to stop pegging the washing out and make him a drink. Dp didn't seem surprised by this so I'm guessing it's normal.

Well there's your answer op - the poor woman is exhausted from working three cleaning jobs and then coming home to look after the needs of the man child she lives with.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 06/09/2018 10:21

You can tell a lot more about a person who examines someone else’s skirting boards...
Did you run a white gloved finger along the picture frames too, à la Kim and Aggie?

pigsDOfly · 06/09/2018 10:24

The house does sound pretty grim but as pp have said she's probably sick to death of cleaning by the time she gets home.

And as for judging people's standard by their skirting boards, what a poe faced remark. I don't think I've ever walked into someone house and made judgment on them by the state of their skirting boards, or come to that even noticed their skirting boards.

It's probably a good idea to knock this relationship on the head now as you're always going to find his family not up to your standards and, I imagine you'll find he'll be more like his family than you find acceptable.

theunsure · 06/09/2018 10:25

The important thing is that his own place is not as dirty. Your standards would be impossibly high to most - his sound normal.

His parents home sounds to be below what most would class as normal but what his parents are like is not important. You are overthinking this!

pigsDOfly · 06/09/2018 10:26

Just seen the way he treats his mother re making the coffee.

Now that would put me off.

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