To think his mother's house is filthy?

[Wasither]

I've recently started dating a new man, and met his family at the weekend.
His mother is a cleaner, so I expected the house to be reasonably clean but it was awful. I might be bu, as I'm sure there are much worse houses around but i was cringing.

The carpet looked grimy, and felt gritty under my feet (asked to remove shoes). There was dog hair everywhere, I know this can't be helped when you have a dog but the amount seemed really excessive.
The lino in the kitchen was grubby and you could see bits of food on it.
They don't have a kitchen bin so all rubbish including empty meat packets and vegetable peelings was piled in a heap on the work surface.
There wasn't a draining board at the sink, all "clean" dishes were sat in puddles of water.
Glasses from the cupboard still looked dirty.
The cooker and hob was so thick with grease you could see indents from where pans had sat.

Aibu / judgy to think it's disgusting?
When I was offered a drink i felt really uncomfortable drinking it when I saw how grimy the glass was, and I really don't think I'd feel comfortable eating there.

For background/context, his mother is in her mid 50s, so not old and struggling to manage.
My mother always had extremely high standards re cleanliness, so my views may be skewed because of this. My home growing up was always spotless, and I have similar standards now myself.
My mother always said you could tell a lot about people's standards by their skirting boards, so I always make sure i wash them, same with light switches, plug sockets, anything dust can land on really. So I'm aware my background might be a bit excessive, so really want to check if iabu or not

you can tell a lot about people by their skirting boards

I am a kind, funny, witty, generous person who likes animals, most people , books, films, gardens and vegetables. So it's just my skirting boards that let me down?

Too bad.

I'm sure it's not always the case, but the two separate people I have met who have had houses similar to how you describe both turned out to be suffering from severe depression.
There may be hidden issues going on?
Not saying this is the case with everyone who has a dirty house. Just a thought.

Once again, the skirting boards comment was how my mother felt about them, and a reference to explaining how I was brought up. Yes I clean my skirting boards (likely because of my mother) but I don't stare at everyone's skirting boards when I go into a house. I didn't look at dps parents skirting boards. I was more concerned with the general clutter, mess and dirt that was very visible.

pigsdofly that was his father not him. He made his own drinks and put the empty glass in the kitchen when he was done

I think the amount of posts on here where people live with partners who do nothing around the house and get increasingly frustrated at them is what I'm thinking of.
So many posts on here are about partners who don't clean up after themselves, and it's always cocklodger/ltb. I don't want to get to the point where we move in together and I'm then expected to do 100% of the cleaning because I "care more" or "do it better".
I know it may be a complete non issue, but I was wondering if he was likely to fall into the same patterns as his parents.

Op my dh dp worse than yours probably... He has flash points on paper after wrapping, stuff like that but will happily walk past loads of crap.

I was brought up in a pretty messy/untidy home, but it made me determined to live in clean/neat surroundings, and I just can’t abide clutter. I would avoid going to any home, where I had serious doubts about the hygiene of the glass I was offered a drink from!

The only thing you can tell from a person's skirting boards is whether they have too much time on their hands and limited imagination. Or a mental illness.

What spiteful bollocks.

After his awful up bringing where he was made to feel like an un welcome person in the home who made mess.. Our priority here is a totally relaxed home where we can all relax and we focus naturally on other things.. But feeling at home and able to relax is definitely the priority.

MIL's husband should be doing the cleaning instead of interrupting her from what she's doing just to make him a cup of tea. He should have put the kettle on and made one for her.

Also, the fact that she was doing the washing suggests that she's doing all she can to keep up with household tasks, but that she's struggling to stay on top of it.

I agree with PPs that a better approach than criticising her MIL on line, the OP and her DP should do a blitz and get the place clean and tidy. And MIL's DH should join in too.

@OutPinked I don't get stomach bugs because I wash my hands frequently to keep the number of bacteria on them down.

Oh and I tend to use a hoover attachment on my skirtings rather than a duster as it's quicker. Obviously depends on the shape of your skirtings what works....

FFS enough of the skirting board comments. OP has explained, more than once, how her mother’s views have affected her own standards. They are peripheral to the thread, not the point of it.

Some comments on cleaners not being bothered to clean their own houses. Well... After working 8 hour days on your feet and no lunch, yeah, cleaning your own house can be a drudge, but you get on with it on a weekend.
But the OP description of the 'potential' MIL house is GRIM!

Rather than attempting to read his mother's skirting boards like tealeaves, why not have a conversation with this man about both of your preferences and aspirations for the cleanliness of any future home together, and what you will each do and/or compromise on to achieve a balance that suits you both?

My mother wasn't the best at housekeeping ( single parent after she divorced my dad). She worked long hours as a nurse and was shattered. I did the cleaning, and am now a very tidy person, so just because his mums house is a state doesn't mean his will be.

OP says the mum us in her mid 50s so not old and struggling to manage. I would disagree. She may be menopausal and too tired to think straight about filing her paperwork neatly so that she can hoover.

Does the house smell? That would be a clear indicatir to me of whether there were years of grimy layers, or whether she had simply run out of steamm for a few days.

Do you have children OP? From my own experience, I would seriously work on adjusting your expectations before having children to avoid having a nervous breakdown because your house is not up to your pristine standards.

How his parents house is has not impact on what he will be like. My parents house is a mess, my mum is a hoarder. Because of this I'm the opposite and can be a bit obsessive about cleanliness.

But I would recommend chilling out a bit. Anyone who is checking out your skirting boards has too much time on their hands!

Ugh. I'm glad I don't visit any house like that.

straightjeans and Lizzie48 thanks for making me laugh, I am assuming your comments aren't serious - you think the OP should blitz the house of the mother of her partner???? You must be joking.

What the OP describes is not just a bit of untidiness, it is filthy and there is no excuse for letting things get in such a state.

I don't want to get to the point where we move in together and I'm then expected to do 100% of the cleaning because I "care more" or "do it better".

But unless you lower your standards, this is exactly what is going to happen. Very few people (especially men) want to clean as much as you do or as well as you do.

I did say that an option could be to help them do a blitz. I'd be happy to help with that, I'd prefer to do that rather than just going to visit them and having to put up with that grime. An alternative would be to pay a cleaning company to do the blitz. (Ironic of course, seeing as MIL is a cleaner.)

The alternative is not to visit at all; I wouldn't want to spend time in a filthy house. I hate going to my MIL's house; she's a hoarder, and her house is a complete tip, and it's difficult to even move. (It's not dirty though, so not in that league.) We go there no more than twice a year, it's easier to entertain her here.

Those are the only 2 options. Other than splitting up of course.

I judge people by thow kind they are, how comfortable they make me feel, how welcoming they are, the conversations they have, their interests, their politics, what books they read, how nice they are with animals/children, how polite they are, how good/bad they are as parents/grandparents... differing standards in these areas might be cause for concern. I wonder how many people get to the end of their lives and think: "If only I'd polished my sockets more".

This says it all really

The problem is Lizzie48 how to suggest/initiate the blitz? It seems as if the prospective MIL (for want of a better term) doesn't care, she is a cleaner so is no doubt well aware of standards of cleanliness and doesn't apply them to her own home.

Options are limited, either:

1. OP puts up with it (not something I could do)
2. OP refuses to go there and tell her dp why
3. OP splits with her dp

Option (2) would probably cause Option (3) to happen.

Everyone saying they don't clean their skirting boards...aren't they covered in dust? I clean mine probably once a month, I hoover them, it takes seconds. I didn't think it was so odd to clean skirting boards.