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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think his mother's house is filthy?

133 replies

Wasither · 05/09/2018 21:14

I've recently started dating a new man, and met his family at the weekend.
His mother is a cleaner, so I expected the house to be reasonably clean but it was awful. I might be bu, as I'm sure there are much worse houses around but i was cringing.

The carpet looked grimy, and felt gritty under my feet (asked to remove shoes). There was dog hair everywhere, I know this can't be helped when you have a dog but the amount seemed really excessive.
The lino in the kitchen was grubby and you could see bits of food on it.
They don't have a kitchen bin so all rubbish including empty meat packets and vegetable peelings was piled in a heap on the work surface.
There wasn't a draining board at the sink, all "clean" dishes were sat in puddles of water.
Glasses from the cupboard still looked dirty.
The cooker and hob was so thick with grease you could see indents from where pans had sat.

Aibu / judgy to think it's disgusting?
When I was offered a drink i felt really uncomfortable drinking it when I saw how grimy the glass was, and I really don't think I'd feel comfortable eating there.

For background/context, his mother is in her mid 50s, so not old and struggling to manage.
My mother always had extremely high standards re cleanliness, so my views may be skewed because of this. My home growing up was always spotless, and I have similar standards now myself.
My mother always said you could tell a lot about people's standards by their skirting boards, so I always make sure i wash them, same with light switches, plug sockets, anything dust can land on really. So I'm aware my background might be a bit excessive, so really want to check if iabu or not

OP posts:
Morethanthisprovincallife · 05/09/2018 22:17

Arf barbarian mum.

Oh thanks op this thread had cheered me up immensely.

😂😂

thecatsthecats · 05/09/2018 22:18

I agree that it sounds gross and I'd be uncomfortable.

You're right to second guess your own mum's standards though. I'd like to think there's more to life than nit picking about the standards of other people's skirting boards!

Wasither · 05/09/2018 22:18

gamer yes you're right. I need to try and chill out a bit and not judge based on an imaginary future where dp changes Blush. My mother is very excessive and so is my grandmother. I don't want to be that bad (I don't think I am quite as bad as them)

OP posts:
ILoveAllRainbows · 05/09/2018 22:26

So how did you cope with teenagers in your house or were they as clean and tidy as you?

pallisers · 05/09/2018 22:27

He didn't make himself a coffee when we were there instead walking past the kettle to ask her to stop pegging the washing out and make him a drink. Dp didn't seem surprised by this so I'm guessing it's normal.

You know I was going to tell you to run from this man but then I thought that dh's father could well have done similar. I've certainly seen him sit at the dinner table and say "Mary I need salt" and she got up and fetched it. This was radically different from my parents' dynamic. But dh is nothing like this and nor are any of his brothers - all equal partners/wouldn't dream of expecting a woman to fetch and carry for them/more likely to be the one who does the favour.

I think you should chill a bit and see where it goes - just don't rush into anything.

recklessruby · 05/09/2018 22:29

I bet she is exhausted after cleaning all day it's a tough job. Her partner should help too like at the weekend they could both blitz the house.
Maybe she's depressed and overwhelmed by the mess and keeps putting off sorting it?
Or maybe she just doesn't care. But if your dp isn't terrible with his place you probably have to decide to chill out and accept their standards don't match your own.
At least you don't have to live with her!
I am pretty obsessed with cleaning too but have to compromise living with adult dc and just accept their rooms are their own mess to live in/deal with or I would drive myself mad

Lizzie48 · 05/09/2018 22:29

My mother always said you could tell a lot about people's standards by their skirting boards

I can't say I've ever really noticed anybody's skirting boards when I've visited. But I do notice if there's dirty dishes piled high in the kitchen, now that I do judge. That's something that has been a bone of contention between me and my DH, because I want it all cleared straightaway, which he thinks is OTT. (I learned that from my DM! Grin)

TacoFriday · 05/09/2018 22:31

“My mother always said you could tell a lot about people's standards by their skirting boards...”

Mine never said this but I can always tell my house is filthy (and needs a deep clean) everywhere by the state of the skirting boards and the doors/wood panels (helpfully painted white).

Husband thinks I’m nuts that I always clean them before guests arrive, but entire hallway feels cleaner when you take off your shoes and see them dust free.

lowtide · 05/09/2018 22:38

My mother always said you could tell a lot about people's standards by their skirting boards

Well I guess my standards are to have happy loving people and family and friends. Life filled with chatter and laughter, and not worrying about mine or others skirting boards too much. Certainly not enough for it to make a difference to a happy life

Deadringer · 05/09/2018 22:43

What does it matter how clean his mother's house is? My mil is a clean freak which would drive me crazy if I had to live with her but I don't so I don't care.

Wasither · 05/09/2018 22:45

rainbows they had their own rooms which it was up to them to keep clean, and shared areas like lounge and kitchen they cleaned up after themselves. I kept the doors to their bedrooms closed so I didn't have to see any mess, but to be fair to them they are clean kids. When they were young we always had a rule that toys went back in the toybox when playtime was over, and as they got older they got small chores to do. Their rooms were always pretty alright though.

OP posts:
Judydreamsofhorses · 05/09/2018 22:53

Please don’t ever visit me. The kitchen and bathroom are spotless, but we have a white cat and everything at her level is covered in fur, no matter how often we sweep/mop/hoover. I don’t think I have ever even glanced at a person’s skirting boards as a visitor though, so am obviously a total slattern!

DBN1 · 05/09/2018 22:56

When I moved into my own place the only bit of advice my mother gave me was "make sure you clean your skirting boards"!

LanaorAna2 · 05/09/2018 22:56

I think you'd both be better off with other people OP. He's got a friendly family and wants a relationship to fulfill him; you've got equally precious skirting boards and want a duster to complete you.

Okeydokeys · 05/09/2018 22:58

You sound judgy. I think your boyfriend could do better

turncloak · 05/09/2018 23:03

I think previous posters have been a bit harsh. There's a world of difference between a dusty skirting board and a filthy, health hazard of a kitchen.

My in laws house is smilar to what you describe. A filthy kitchen with rubbish all over the worktops, sticky floors, dog hair (and food) everywhere, piles of dirty clothes in corners, mould (!) on the ceilings.

Didn't bother me so much pre-marriage (mostly because DH didn't show similar habits!) but now, post children, it has caused a few issues.

We've been to in laws house a grand total of once in three years since DC were born. I had to make bottles in their filthy kitchen (after rummaging through cupboard in near-silence for cleaning products as I was too embarrassed to ask) and change them upstairs on smelly, crumpled bedsheets. I mistakenly thought they might make a bit of effort with the house as they knew we were coming (and it was Christmas!) I'm so glad DC weren't crawling as there was no way there were getting on that floor.

I, too, grew up with a clean-freak for a DM. Hated it at the time, but now, I'm more than happy to drop DC off for tea and a sleepover at my parents (clean) house. It won't be happening at my in laws.

nakedscientist · 05/09/2018 23:04

International Skirting Board Chart of Acceptable Standards'?

The ISB-CAS, oh yes. You can apply to be an ISB inspector, your home is given the White Glove treatment which is done on three separate occasions, at random times of day or night. To be a fully certified ISB practitioner and trainer, you also need to have a documented and fully evidenced portfolio of 100, 000 hours of cleaning.

cakedup · 05/09/2018 23:05

I have a similar background and standards to you OP. Ended up with a guy who I thought I was in love with and overlooked his scuzzy habits. We moved in together and once the honeymoon period was over, I just found his poor level of hygiene difficult to live with. Not the reason we split up but I definitely found it off putting.

How is your dp's personal hygiene? My ex would look ok but once I lived with him I realised he didn't always brush his teeth in the mornings or wash his hands after going to the loo or before cooking etc. He would make a filthy mess in every room in the house. Grim. I can't believe I put up with it.

smallchanceofrain · 05/09/2018 23:20

I don't know how old you are OP but I'm in my early 50's, a similar age to your dp's mother. I work. I have a family home to clean and maintain and two teens to care for. I have elderly parents who are infirm; one has Parkinson's disease. I support them with cleaning, cooking, shopping etc. I'm not as fit as I was and I have arthritis. I'm utterly exhausted. Unsurprisingly I don't give a rat's ass what people think of my skirting boards. Perhaps your dp's mother not only has different standards to you but finds that she simply can't work as hard as she used to.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 05/09/2018 23:23

The ISB-CAS, oh yes. You can apply to be an ISB inspector, your home is given the White Glove treatment which is done on three separate occasions, at random times of day or night. To be a fully certified ISB practitioner and trainer, you also need to have a documented and fully evidenced portfolio of 100, 000 hours of cleaning

Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin

BuntyII · 05/09/2018 23:31

It sounds a bit dirty but hardly so catastrophic you can't have a drink there. The poor mums probably knackered after cleaning all day and running around after her husband. But if you're questioning your relationship based on the cleanliness of his mums house I don't think you're really that into him tbh. Might b best to let him go.

lowtide · 05/09/2018 23:58

You’re unlikely to die. So get over it. Simple really. Different strokes for different folks

Zfactorstar · 06/09/2018 00:19

I worked as a hotel maid when I was younger. The work is exausting, and I was a healthy 19 year old at the time. The last thing I wanted to do when I got home was clean.

RosemaryHoight · 06/09/2018 00:35

I don't have skirting boards at all.

I am a stripper.

BakedBeans47 · 06/09/2018 00:41

Ah I see they’re not that old as I was wondering if that was a factor. My grandparents (separated) had always been clean and tidy and then when their eyesight started to go they just didn’t see grime the same. They were in their 80s/90s though

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