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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think his mother's house is filthy?

133 replies

Wasither · 05/09/2018 21:14

I've recently started dating a new man, and met his family at the weekend.
His mother is a cleaner, so I expected the house to be reasonably clean but it was awful. I might be bu, as I'm sure there are much worse houses around but i was cringing.

The carpet looked grimy, and felt gritty under my feet (asked to remove shoes). There was dog hair everywhere, I know this can't be helped when you have a dog but the amount seemed really excessive.
The lino in the kitchen was grubby and you could see bits of food on it.
They don't have a kitchen bin so all rubbish including empty meat packets and vegetable peelings was piled in a heap on the work surface.
There wasn't a draining board at the sink, all "clean" dishes were sat in puddles of water.
Glasses from the cupboard still looked dirty.
The cooker and hob was so thick with grease you could see indents from where pans had sat.

Aibu / judgy to think it's disgusting?
When I was offered a drink i felt really uncomfortable drinking it when I saw how grimy the glass was, and I really don't think I'd feel comfortable eating there.

For background/context, his mother is in her mid 50s, so not old and struggling to manage.
My mother always had extremely high standards re cleanliness, so my views may be skewed because of this. My home growing up was always spotless, and I have similar standards now myself.
My mother always said you could tell a lot about people's standards by their skirting boards, so I always make sure i wash them, same with light switches, plug sockets, anything dust can land on really. So I'm aware my background might be a bit excessive, so really want to check if iabu or not

OP posts:
Howhot · 05/09/2018 21:46

That sounds gross. My parents house was similar and i was embarrassed as a child. My house is the total opposite so I wouldn't assume it has any bearing on his own home. I love my mum but I never stop for long. We eat out or I invite her to mine. I never got stomach bugs as a kid though..

Wasither · 05/09/2018 21:46

happiness I'm hoping he's not just being cleaner/tidier than he normally would be because it's still a relatively new relationship and he might become messy when trying to impress less iyswim

edison about dp father? Yes that concerned me too. Dp hasn't shown any misogynistic traits so far so hoping it hasn't rubbed off on him. From comments he's made his parents seem to treat it like the home is his mother's responsibility and when his father gets in from work he watches tv and doesn't help out.

OP posts:
ILoveAllRainbows · 05/09/2018 21:49

Unless you can lower your standards, your relationship seems doomed.

His parent's place is grim, but he place seems ok but nowhere near your standards.

I have never cleaned my skirting boards, light switches etc because I would rather spend my time doing something I enjoy.

CSIblonde · 05/09/2018 21:50

Oh, I thought she was single & struggling OP. If she's not hard up & there are 2incomes,is she knackered or depressed? I'd not worry if yr partners not that bad.

Stressedtired
No offence meant. Where I grew up (rural area) cleaning work is scarce & pays v low.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 05/09/2018 21:52

So you are saying that you considering splitting up with him because of his mum level of cleanliness???

Sorry but you’re strange. It’s the guy you are dating. Not his mum. And you said yourself his place is much cleaner.

Stop looking at what she does concentrate on your bf instead.

Wasither · 05/09/2018 21:53

rainbows I know the cleaning is a bit excessive, I'm just always worried that if i leave things it will mount up and I won't get on top of it. It doesn't take me long to run the duster round the sockets and skirting boards when I clean that room so I just do it because I always have.

csi I don't know her well enough to say. She didn't seem overly tired when I met her, but she hadn't been at work that day.

OP posts:
HermioneGoesBackHome · 05/09/2018 21:55

Well I have to say just by the few posts from the OP, my cleaning standards would be below hers too.... I can’t see anyth8ng form the OP’s posts that shows the bf is dirty or incompatible with the OP.

And I doubt that she will ever find someone that will have the same cleaning standards as her. Because it’s normal for two people not to do things the same way.
In my word, not immediately cleaning the hob after cooking isn’t a reason good enough to split when everyth8ng else is fine (OP’s words too)

ItscalledaVulva · 05/09/2018 21:56

I agree the relationship and roles of his parents is more of a red flag - this is what he will think is normal. Unless he tells you explicitly that he realises it's not and he doesn't want to be like that. At the least he's never going to be as interested in having a clean house as you are, and so you will end up doing more of the housework, oh and put the kettle on and make the dinner while you're at it.

lowtide · 05/09/2018 21:58

This is a ruse surely.

TeddybearBaby · 05/09/2018 21:59

I actually feel sorry for YOU. You keep talking about ‘standards’. I find it an odd description. Your regimented life sounds really boring and soul destroying to me but then you’d probably hate it in my house too 😁.

My childhood brings back memories of fun and laughter not my mum drumming in standards of cleanliness and skirting boards. What a snooze!! And now you might miss out on love because of it. Sounds terribly sad to me. Good luck!!

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 05/09/2018 21:59

My mother always said you could tell a lot about people's standards by their skirting boards

I urge everybody to 'hear' this sentence in the voice of Alison Steadman

FlipnTwist · 05/09/2018 22:00

you are the one with the problem in my opinion - not your Dps parents

Wasither · 05/09/2018 22:01

vulva (never thought I'd tag that!) That's my concern. Not specifically the different cleanliness as like I said before his place is ok. The concern that he's trying to impress as such because it's a new relationship and he might fall back into patterns that his parents follow. Because that's what he grew up with so it's normal to him.
Same as my mother being excessively clean and tidy made that normal to me.

OP posts:
SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 05/09/2018 22:04

The only thing you can tell from a person's skirting boards is whether they have too much time on their hands and limited imagination. Or a mental illness

You mean that skirting boards are not an accurate barometer of human character and its inherent failings? But how can we judge whether we're superior to someone or not, if not by studiously referring to the fail-safe 'International Skirting Board Chart of Acceptable Standards'? Confused

AdventuresRUs · 05/09/2018 22:06

looks at skirting boards. Not sure Ive dusted them in months...

femfemlicious · 05/09/2018 22:07

Think of it this way...if you get married you may have to spend quite a lot of time there....they may want to babysit?. If your boyfriend thinks the house is fine then you will have a lot of strife in future

Cupcakecafe · 05/09/2018 22:08

My dps parents house is a lot messier than my parents house. I love him so i deal with it when we go there, which isn't all that often.
Yes he's slightly messier than me, but we make it work. He does things like hoovering, the recycling, all garden stuff etc. I do general tidying and cleaning type jobs. It's a relatively even split.

It works for us, don't give up on a possibly good relationship because of something that could be a non issue.

MarcieBluebell · 05/09/2018 22:10

Not all people are the same as their parents regarding cleanliness.

He probably won't ever clean the skirting but most men don't do they? I'd judge on washing up, hoovering and clean bathroom. It's up to you if you see a compromise.

How does he feel when you say? You say he thinks it's normal but has he said this?

Wasither · 05/09/2018 22:11

fem I have teenage children from a previous relationship and likely wont have more now as I'm a few years older than dp and have history of early menopause in my family.

OP posts:
Morethanthisprovincallife · 05/09/2018 22:13

The cobblers children never wear shoes.

Op I often think people can be thrown together to ease both extremes of childhood off.
You sound extreme and so does she.
But it's not her your in a relationship with.

Just by the by I have an aunt whose house is oppressive clean and tidy and I don't step foot in it now it's awful.

So it works both ways and I have more to do in life than look at anyone's skirting board. I care more about the person.. Are they nice, a good host etc.

In fact I probably wouldn't have much to say or in common with anyone who judged people on thier skirting!!

Crunched · 05/09/2018 22:13

I think you sound 100 % more interested in your cleaning than him so I'd agree that the relationship is doomed.

^ this.

Wasither · 05/09/2018 22:14

marcie we haven't specifically discussed it, I didn't really want to say to him I thought his parents house was disgusting.
He did seem surprised at how organised/ clean my house was when he first started coming round, and has made a few comments about how things don't need to be cleaned as regularly.
Whether it's that he sees his parents as normal or me just excessive I'm not sure

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/09/2018 22:14

OP did it not occur to you that you and his mother are the ends of the same pole. Both extreme and your bloke might be middle ground sent to teach you your mother might have been wrong, help you unclench a bit?

It sounds like you're turning into your mother, keep your standards by all means. I like my routine but you must not judge others to the point of thinking of ditching them from your life because their parents dont do it your way.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 05/09/2018 22:14

Not sure I've dusted them in months...

Not sure I've dusted them ever ... Blush

Morethanthisprovincallife · 05/09/2018 22:15

😂😂😂😂😂

International skirting board chart 😂😂 sorry I missed that gem.