My mother just turns up and walks into my house?

[oldschooloon]

I'm curious as to how normal this is, I'm 50 and my mother still thinks, despite finally being told no clearly after years of hints and resistance, that she can just turn up unannounced at my house.
I've at least finally managed to train her not to also just walk in without knocking.

Oh, I would loath this open door policy.

I lived with someone briefly and would often wake up in the morning to find his mother pottering around the kitchen or garden without so much as a by your leave. That relationship didn't last as other random friends of his used to do the same - just turn up at odd hours normally wanting repairs to their vans/cars I think it's a certain cultural behaviour as we lived in a row of cottages in the middle of nowhere so it's not as if they were just passing. I could never relax.

When I was growing up, I can't imagine any of our relatives, friends or neighbours opening the gate, coming up the drive and just waltzing into the house without so much as a call or knock.

I don't mind close friends and family ringing if they're thirty minutes away to say they're coming past and can they pop in. No problem. That gives me time to tidy up and get myself looking decent. I hate it when people just turn up though. So rude.

When I moved house as a newly single woman 3 years ago and told my mum she wasn’t getting a key to the new place because I might need privacy sometimes , she sulked about it for ages. I think it’s maybe a certain type of Mum who expects access all areas at all times 🤨

I agree it’s reasonable to expect your mum to check with you before she arrives. But I also think you need to start locking the door too. If you have a car could you park somewhere she wouldn’t see so she’d think you were out ?

Maybe it’s just rural living, but I wouldn’t expect my mum to knock. With friends, I’d expect them to knock as they walk in (in way of an announcement rather than request for entry).

Even the delivery folk just open the door and shove the parcel on the floor in the hall.

I am utterly amazed at the number of people who have a front door that doesn't lock when you shut it! All the houses I've ever lived in have a front door that cannot be opened from outside without a key.
I'd be so nervous with a open-from-outside front door. How do you do the hoovering? Pop upstairs? Down the garden? I'd be petrified someone would be in the house/downstairs when I came back in, or turned off the Hoover. Doesn't matter who it was - mum, postman, rapist...

My front door doesn't open from outside without the key, neither does my mums'. Do I knock and wait? I have to, everyone does. Do I text to let her know? Well, yes. Does she do the same at mine? Of course.

It’s your mum , Of course she can walk in oh no she can't. Not everyone has lovely, loving parents who pop by to hand over home-cooked cake and dispense caring kisses and advice.

My ds1 and gf are just looking at buying own flat. I have no intention of 'popping in' (even to dispense home made cake) or using their key, if they give me one. I'll text or phone to make sure it's ok to come by.

for some people its normal... but its up to them.
Id hate this. I need a days notice at least unless its an emergency.
I love my parents but id not be happy if they just turned up and walked in my house whenever... luckily they are on the same page and have a similar attitude. I know they would welcome me if it were an emergency or difficult circumstance and vice versa but none of us are 'popping by' people. We just dont do that.

OP - did you say it's DP's house that your mum is availing herself of?

Think yourself very lucky, I'm 46 and my mum died last year I would do anything for her to just walk into my house!!

We live in a small, rural village. We lock our doors when we go on holiday.

Shazwee, seriously - the OP has said upthread how much of a nightmare her mum is and that she has alcoholism issues. I am sorry that you miss your mum but it's utterly irrelevant to the OP and it doesn't make her lucky in the slightest.

Having a parent who you have a tough relationship with isn't lucky, it's bloody hard. There's actually often a real feeling of grief that comes as you get older and come to understand that your relationship with your mother is shitty - you see the healthy, happy, loving relationships that other people have and grieve for the fact that you've never had it and never will. So no, OP is not very lucky at all.

I would love for my mum to walk in something she would never have done but she died when I was 35.

Think yourself very lucky, I'm 46 and my mum died last year I would do anything for her to just walk into my house!!

I'm sorry for your loss but I'm 65 and my mum died 45 years ago. I didn't even own a house then... do I win? Oh no, it's not a competition...

pacer it's normal in a lot of areas not to lock doors. My mum used to leave our old house unlocked when she was out at work as she was sick of us losing keys as teenagers, and that was a big old town house in the town centre so in theory anyone could have walked in.
I used to leave my back door unlocked and open for the dog to get in and out of my old house when I was at work (although we were enclosed on three sides so only you would have had to climb over a single storey building and down to gain access) and even to this day as long as the weather isn't freezing cold my doors are physically open when I am at home so the cat and my son can come and go in and out of the house and garden as they both please.

If my dd had fibro and found company exhausting I would definitely not turn up without asking. She sounds selfish

Op I'd be very concerned about leaving doors unlocked if you're on your own in the middle of nowhere and upstairs sleeping. For your own safety, please please lock your doors.
As for dm walking in unannounced, it depends on your relationship with her,but my dds have keys and walk in whenever they like although I usually have an inkling they're going to descend upon me.

My mother died 4 years ago and was cremated, then scattered. If she somehow managed to reconstitute herself and walk in through the door I'd be impressed at the achievement but privately horrified at the thought of her thinking this was now our default!!

Family boundaries vary, and ours were very firmly on the side of ALWAYS KNOCK.

My DM used to do this. She'd change the TV channel or turn it off, rearrange the chairs, tell me when I was supposed to go to bed even when I was in my 30s. If I tried to escape to my room she'd come halfway up the stairs and call, 'What do you think you're doing up there?' Control freak wasn't in it. She wasn't open to discussion and saw it all as her inalienable right; you can't fight dogma (no pun). It was a shame because it came between us big time.

StatisticallyChallenged I'm with you 100% here. We had a very acrimonious relationship and I regret that so much; it could have been very different. The child doesn't make the decisions or choose the parameters.

@shazwee I'm sorry you lost your mum last year.

However, that isn't relevant to this thread. A lot of us have tricky relationships with mums who have been controlling, narcissistic, been guilty of gaslighting etc. I would never be able to cope with my DM just walking in here. I love her, but she's always been very controlling and it's very important for me to have clear boundaries with her.

Philomena... We leave the bathroom door open too so would be a bit embarrassing if someone did walk in the house unannounced lol. Luckily we changed our front door last year so it can't be opened from the outside now without a key. And just to be clear, I would not like people turning up unannounced for a visit (dds is fine) and I probably wouldn't answer the door if anyone turned up unannounced.

Think yourself very lucky, I'm 46 and my mum died last year I would do anything for her to just walk into my house!!

Think yourself very lucky that you had your mother for 45 years, my mum died when I was only 27...and also, OP doesn't have a good relationship with her mother, very different to your situation.

Lofo