My mother just turns up and walks into my house?

[oldschooloon]

I'm curious as to how normal this is, I'm 50 and my mother still thinks, despite finally being told no clearly after years of hints and resistance, that she can just turn up unannounced at my house.
I've at least finally managed to train her not to also just walk in without knocking.

Thank you cider, exactly!!!!!

*You sound difficult.

She should knock and wait?

What do you do when going to her house?

The meaning of family is very different to when I grew up.*

This.

My in-laws are like this. They live 5 minutes away and just rock up and walk in without knocking. My mother in law is the worst offender. She doesn't ring either to see if I am in or even want a visitor. They get very confused when the door is locked so that they can't.

That is just treating your home like it is an extension of theirs. If you don’t want that, it’s not on. Do they expect you to treat their home the same way?

maemio what do you mean?

Spelled that wrong 🙄

maimeo
You've pulled out quite a range from all over this thread, explain "This"?
You've clearly read much if not all of it. I'm curious.

'Please don't, for fucks sake, tell us we are lucky to have them still alive '

I didnt say that and I also said I had no issue with it and added that it would depend on child mother relationship . OP asked what was normal and that varies for everyone !

Yes it does vary for everyone, and that was kinda the point of opening this thread, it's answered my question and then some 😎
I'm finding a couple of comments really triggering so I'm outta here now.
Thanks to everyone who expressed their own habits empathically and without judgment. That's appreciated.
For those of you that have jumped on here to call me difficult and ungrateful for being alive etc, I hope I have your attention when I say this ----> 🖕🏻
Y'all have a good day, I'm out for the day with my mother, I've a present for her, something I saw that would amuse her at a fete the other day. We'll have lunch, and both come away quite happy to have had some solid family time.
As others have said, familial affection is different for everyone.

MsPavlichenko hear, hear.

"I lost my Dad when I was 18. My mum when I was 41. We were very close. I miss them still.

This doesn't mean that This doesn't mean that all those with living parents simply have to tolerate any and everything they do simply by virtue of their not being dead."

This sums it up. There will be posters on here who lost a child or are, like me, infertile. As horribly painful as that is, it would be wrong to use that to make parents feel guilty for moaning. I possibly did say things like that when I was having fertility treatment, I certainly thought it, but now I have my adopted DDs I understand how wrong I am.

If you keep leaving the door unlocked, then people will just walk in.

She shouldn't just turn up without warning all the time though!

Maybe she is from a different time/upbringing where people just wandered in to your house.

To call someone narcissistic and controlling for doing this is a bit harsh and unfair tbh.

If I lock the door, she comes round the side and knocks on the kitchen window which usually frightens the shit out of me if I am busy doing something. I have had to settle for the lesser of 2 evils but it does irritate me.

I do this to my parents. I never knock.
In fact, I barge straight in, open the fridge and complain that there's nothing tasty to eat. Then I sit in my Dad's chair, dunk my biscuit in his tea and watch telly. I'm 47.

I was a child/teen in the 1970's and 1980's, and relatives and neighbours galore popped in and out all the time then. It was perfectly normal and acceptable. But now, I feel that people (particularly women) are a lot more frazzled and more likely to be working than they were 40-50 years ago.

So people are quite entitled to not want people just turning up without warning. They may have just got the kids settled, they may be getting dinner ready, they may be asleep, or ill, or tired, or busy, or having sex, ANYthing. Also, the house may be a shithole (as most peoples houses are sometimes!) and they will be embarrassed, and feel awkward and uncomfortable while you're there.

My daughter is in her mid 20's, and lives 17-18 miles from us (with her boyfriend,) and they are both busy, career people, and sometimes don't even get in til 7pm. Some days my daughter works from home, and is busy working. So me and DH wouldn't DREAM of just turning up. Apart from the fact that we don't want to bother them when they have a very busy life, we also live half hour's drive away, so it would be a wasted journey if they are not in!

We ALWAYS let them know when we are coming, and arrange a mutually convenient time. They also do the same with us, as I work part-time hours that vary, and DH works shifts, and it's no good them turning up if he is in bed, or on the way out to work. So again, they contact us and arrange a mutually convenient day.

I don't see the problem with it at all, and can only surmise that people who are OK with turning up unannounced (or having others do it,) do not have very busy lives, or a job, or much going on in their lives at all. Don't mean to be rude, but I can't see how people living a busy life, with a job and plenty to do, can be OK with people just turning up unannounced.

@oldschooloon

I think it's perfectly reasonable and acceptable to not want people just turning up unannounced. SO YANBU.

@londonista

I do this to my parents. I never knock.

In fact, I barge straight in, open the fridge and complain that there's nothing tasty to eat. Then I sit in my Dad's chair, dunk my biscuit in his tea and watch telly. I'm 47.

My brother used to do this when he left home, but only between the ages of 19 when he left, and about 23-24. Seems an odd way to behave when you're almost 50!

LOL I agree! But somehow, I still think of their home as mine.

So I probably wouldn't complain if they did it to me, even though I wouldn't like it!

@Lofo I don't think it's much of a class thing though I do agree it very much Used to be.

I don't live anywhere near my parents now but my mum has a key for emergencies of if she is looking after Dd although she has the respect not to just barge in if we are home.

My mum isn’t a raging bitch like yours, but I’d hate this. Fortunately she takes the same view.
It’s just common courtesy to check if “popping in” is convenient. I need time to myself, and the worst thing is to have got home from work, done all essential house jobs and be anticipating a couple of precious hours to paint or read, only for someone to pop over unannounced. As bad is when they do it and I don’t feel able to get on with the jobs I’ve got to do, so by the time they leave, I’ve still got the same list of jobs, dinner isn’t started, my daughter’s been left playing on her iPad far too long...
Once someone is in my house, I find it too hard to be rude and will “host” them. A friend has done it a couple of times and she likes a drink (nothing wrong with that) I feel obliged to offer wine along with the tea/coffee offering and then give in and have a glass in response to her horrified “You are having one aren’t you?” I’d rather not when I’ve got stuff to do after she leaves and I tend to only drink with food. I know I can say no, but I find it hard not to make guests comfortable, even if uninvited.
Incidentally, round us, there has been a spate of car thefts where the theives enter the unlocked door and pick up the car keys that so many people keep near the door, sometimes in helpful little key boxes or racks! We’ve since moved the place we keep our keys, even though we do keep the door locked.
My mum’s kitchen was also burgled while she was in the house. They got some nice silver.

Or just not in bella.

My mum is no longer alive and I had an affectionate loving relationship with her but there's no way on earth she would have turned up unannounced or let herself in and I would have put a stop to it if she had but she just wouldn't have done. She respected my privacy and vice versa.

To call someone narcissistic and controlling for doing this is a bit harsh and unfair tbh.

So, you're ignoring everything else OP has said about what her mother has done, just so it fits your narrative that OP's calling her mother narcissistic and controlling just because she walks in unannounced, and therefore OP is being harsh and unfair?

Now why would you do that?

Agree with lots of other posts in that it depends on what family dynamics are like. However, you are a mature 50 year old women & you have 1 mother & 1 life. One day you will look back on all of this petty nonsense when your mother is no longer around to make an appointment to visit her daughter & grandchildren