My mother just turns up and walks into my house?

[oldschooloon]

I'm curious as to how normal this is, I'm 50 and my mother still thinks, despite finally being told no clearly after years of hints and resistance, that she can just turn up unannounced at my house.
I've at least finally managed to train her not to also just walk in without knocking.

She's your mum, did you used to knock when you where a kid if she was in bed etc? To her your her child that she doesn't need to make an appointment with to see her. If it's hard for you just humor her as she won't alway be around

The OP's mum used to change her nappy. I presume the OP still doesn't wear one so times have changed.

Being rural doesn't stop burglars, the villages where I grew up were targeted regularly (richer pickings than closest town). Catch down or chain on is always wise. Doesn't it invalidate home insurance if doors were unlocked? I'd be having chat re privacy/boundaries as that would really piss me off.

What OP used to do in her own home as a child is kind of irrelevant. As an adult she, and her partner, are allowed to have boundaries.

It’s your mum
Of course she can walk in

My mum used to do this & it infuriated me too. Total invasion of privacy. You may need to have a conversation with her about boundaries....if she’ll listen

I don't understand how you can handle the teens coming & going erratically & unpredictably but your mom popping in is a total hassle. Do your teens truly never bother you but your mom demands a conversation & you make her a cuppa?

"Maybe it is sad, from the perspective of someone with a very close harmonious family who all feel happy and comfortable in each other's presence 😉
Maybe you can have that lovely healthy dynamic but still prefer to be notified of any intended visit..."

I adore my mum, as does DH and our DC. Doesn't stop it being a tiny bit annoying when she turns up unannounced. She did it the other day and my heart sank - I'd had a busy day with the kids, and finally got them distracted for long enough that I could sit down in the garden with a cuppa for the only bit of "me time" I was going to get all day - and in she walks.

As I say, I love her, and she does a huge amount for us - she'd actually called in to give us a cake she'd made us - so I made her a coffee and we had some cake and chatted for half an hour. It was nice. Didn't stop me feeling a little disgruntled not to have even had a text letting me know she was on her way though.

This is completely normal in my family, although people usually shout hello as they walk through the door just to announce their presence. It works both ways. It would never occur to me to knock and wait to be invited in at my parent's house.
Not to worry OP, you might have been unable to change your mother's behaviour but you won't have to put up with it forever. I'm a similar age to you and one thing I'm very aware of is that it won't be much longer until my mother isn't around to annoy me.

First of all, I live in London so we have a Yale lock, second of all, my problem is training DM not to knock when I'm standing right next to her and I know DH will be having a nap. Every fucking time she knocks once before I can stop her, and poor DH gets woken up.

If people just turn up, I may not be in.

When I moved house, my DPs used to do this every Saturday & Sunday . Just turn up, no phone call or text, no respect for boundaries, no concept that the weekend was family time i.e. mine, DHs's and DC's!

Our door doesn't have a Yale type lock, and we use the back door, never the front. It needed to be open for DCs to be able to be in and out, to play in the garden, to check on animals, same as OP's door. So if no one was in the kitchen, which overlooks where they park their car, we wouldn't know till we happened to walk in the kitchen, where they'd be sat!

It was driving us to distraction. No subtle hints registered, or if they did they were ignored. It was the fact that I never had the opportunity to say it wasn't convenient that pissed me off, and the consistency of it.

Eventually, I had to be very blunt, and said you need to let me know, not just turn up, and coming every Saturday & Sunday is too much. Now they barely ever come, unless they're dropping my DCs off, and I obviously know that is going to happen. Be blunt OP, your DPs sound like mine.

Also there's no excuse for not letting someone know these days - everyone's got mobiles, so even if the whim takes you while you're "just passing," it's manners to give someone a heads up & check if it's convenient.

I never lock my front door.. it's usually open too, unless I'm asleep. Far too much effort when you've got dogs who are and out all day long.

You can't complain about people just walking in when you don't lock the door

Do you would arrive at someone's house - try the door, and if it's unlocked, just walk in?!

How bizarre.

We don't lock the door when we're in. Nobody, but nobody just walks in without knocking and waiting to be invited in.

I get that the OP may have to start doing it because she's got a particularly obtuse repeat offender. But this idea that people will just walk into a house because it's not locked is surely just being contrary for the sake of disagreeing with an OP.

I am extremely close to my parents and have a wide circle of friends but I DESPISE people turning up unannounced. I work 4 days a week (locally) and one day two of my best friends came around unannounced at lunchtime to see me. It was Summer but I had the curtains closed, hadn’t yet showered (a real one off) and was having a day of watching sad films and having a good cry (I wasn’t depressed btw). I looked like Stig of the Dump with severe hayfever and texted them to send them away - can’t remember what I said. We’re still best friends but they know always to text in advance.

The turning up without notice wouldn't bother me (although I probably wouldn't be in, so she would quickly learn not to waste her time).

But she certainly should knock/ring before entering! And it worries me that she could walk into your room while you were resting, because that means ANYONE could. I think it's time to lock the doors. Your DC will get used to using keys, same as the rest of the world these days.

My mum does it too, doesn't bother me, she usually helps around the house when she comes.

What annoys me, as a PP said, is when people don't say they are coming then stay for ages. My ILs are awful at doing this and my DH's work colleague (own business) turns up at any time and hangs about (he's been widowed for a year so DH thinks he's lonely, but still....arriving when me and DD are getting ready for bed...!)

Also an introverted fibro sufferer. My mum just walks in. She lives less than 2 minutes from me 🤷🏼‍♀️. I'm introverted but not with my own family.

I also just walk into her house. It's my childhood home. I'm in there at some point almost every day.

Constantly bemused at the dilemmas on this site however I realise that not everyone has the same upbringing/family dynamic as me.

Interesting that so many people feel the same as me, and so many who don't. That was the point of the initial question.
As for "Don't worry you won't have to put up with it forever" etc regarding her age... this is not a frail old lady, she had me in her teens and is in rude health, rides horses, runs her own business, travels and is way fitter than I am. She likes to play the frail old lady card when she doesn't get her way with people, but then goes skiing in the alps with her friends for the weekend. Ain't buying into that one.

I'm introverted with extended family because my teens/kids are the only ones who actually do just let me get on with stuff, my parents are both very intense, demanding, critical, judgmental and utterly draining and difficult people.
The rest of the family, both my brother and sister and their spouses have fallen out with both of them many times and rarely see either of them at all.
So it all depends on the dynamic for most.

I’d hate it if my family felt unwelcome in my house. We all walk into each others houses.

Those who don't mind parents walking in, do you have a good relationship with them? I don't think we are comparing like with like.

I'm not a massive fan of my in-laws. I'm still not bothered by them just knocking & walking in - we generally know when they're in the area, so they're half expected.

MrsRespoDad

Let's hope so