My mother just turns up and walks into my house?

[oldschooloon]

I'm curious as to how normal this is, I'm 50 and my mother still thinks, despite finally being told no clearly after years of hints and resistance, that she can just turn up unannounced at my house.
I've at least finally managed to train her not to also just walk in without knocking.

Narcissistic DM with no boundaries strikes again!
Some of you have very strange ideas of both family, and odd behaviour.
Narcissistic??

YANBU, we had to build a back gate and then put a lock on it to stop DPiL from just walking in through the back door. According to them just walking into the kitchen was friendlier than knocking on the front door (even if it scared the life out of us or caught us in a more 'private' moment!).

No, she doesn't need an appointment, but I do expect anyone intending to visit to let me know first Actually, letting you know first is "making an appointment".

You are absolutely right OP you shouldn't have to lock your doors to prevent your cheeky mother letting herself into your house - she needs to respect your boundaries. But I think you said you've put a stop to that and now it's just a case of her turning unannounced. I would have to hide from her or each time she did it or pretend I was going out somewhere urgently in a great hurry 'can't stop ma I've got an appointment/ meeting a friend or whatever...text/ call me next time so you don't make a wasted journey' and keep doing it until she gets the message. She has a clear lack of boundaries.

"I shouldn't have to lock my front door to stop people walking in, surely manners dictate that it's not ok?"

Most people do lock their front door. You may live in a low crime rate area, but if you were burgled because you left your doors unlocked it will affect your insurance claim.

If you regularly fall asleep in a house that anyone can walk into you are leaving yourself in a very vulnerable position.

Basically if you don't want her or anyone else walking into your house lock the door. It isn't rocket science. I live in a rural area, and rural crime is on the increase. Lock your door!

I think it's normal.

I walk into my parents house (family home) and shout "hello, it's only me" and mum walks into mine and goes "hiya Bulb, it's only me, don't come down I've just left you a curd tart/apple pie on the kitchen table".

I work from home. We're family. We leave the door open here too when we are in the house most of the time.

I wouldn't have a nap without locking the door though.

Yes, she should knock and wait! It's not her home and it's been established that the OP objects to her just walking in. She should give OP a quick call to say she's coming round and not impose, it's basic good manners. Unless all the family operates an 'open door', mi casa su casa policy then she's being pushy and inconsiderate. Your house your rules no matter who it is.

I have a parent like this.

I'm afraid locking the doors and hiding may be the only solution.

If your mother is trainable, you could try a cross "Mother if only you'd called earlier I could have saved you the wasted journey - I have to go out now"

Do it every time and she should start to give more warning!

Why would you leave the back door open when you’re having a private moment, if someone walking in scares the life out of you, Gnome?!
I literally can’t get my head round how some people live.
Festering with resentment that people can open an unlocked door and walk through it, rather than just bloody lock it
One day the person walking through it won’t be your MIL.

This would annoy me too, I don't like anyone turning up unannounced whether they are family or not.

I live in the country. I don't even SHUT the door when i have a nap. The dog would soon let me know if someone was approaching the house.

I do think it is rude though to not let someone know you are coming to visit. My DP's and I let each other know when we plan to drop in but when we arrive we don't knock as we are expected.

My sister lives nearby, and we had a few words over the years about her letting herself in. Now she texts as she pulls up outside, and if she doesn't get a reply she unlocks the front door and calls until I reply and she comes on into the house then. My daughter lives about an hour away, and as she's in the country there are lots of people around, with all doors open. I search around outside to see if I can find her, I'd never let myself in without getting the OK even though she's very laid back. It's only possible to be laid back and relaxed if everyone is respecting everyone else's boundaries.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries.

"we live in the middle of nowhere with teens to-ing and fro-ing to outbuildings"

Well then maybe they need to use keys or "to & fro" a bit less!

Agree with others, put a yale type lock on that you can only open from the front with a key (so you don't need to think about locking it).

I remember there was another MNer who said her aunty always popped her coat on when opening the door when she wasn't expecting anyone- if it was someone she wanted to let in she'd say "Oh I just got back myself", if she didn't want to see them "Oh I'm about to pop out". I thought that was genius. Do that, but with a "Oh I'm just going out, wish you'd call before popping over, would have saved you a journey. Bye!"

You are allowed to not like people popping over, and if you don't, it's ok to make it clear you don't have time for them.

It's obviously mixed feelings on this!
I have three large dogs who would be very attentive if anyone unknown tried to come in, even the amazon man won't come round the back... it's our normal and I'm far from alone in this. As for the narcissistic comment, actually yes she is, massively so which is partly why I find her pushing into my day so exasperating. I've had to fight all my life to establish my boundaries with her and we have a difficult relationship.
I see her fairly regularly and try to keep it controllable and calm/nice etc .... it's complicated lol

What's wrong with 'making an appointment' aka 'arranging to see someone'? Totally normal behaviour in every sphere of life, to me!

It's as if the complainant views anybody doing anything other than hanging around at home doing not very much, on the off-chance said person might feel like dropping in, as a deliberate slight and attempt to exclude them from ones life.

I can only imagine it comes from past-times in working class communities, where women were housewives, were constantly occupied at home and weren't free / couldn't afford to go out much.

These days, surely few people live like that. SAHPs more than most perhaps but they're still quite likely to be out, if you just drop round without making plans with them.

I love how 'making an appointment' makes it sound as if anyone with the craaazy notion of going out, being busy, or wanting time to themselves ever, is so up themselves they're acting like a you're a client of theirs - and that this casts you as subservient. So many, very specific, social attitudes tied up in that!

I have had this with my MIL.. We lived in London. Very friendly neighbours etc but no one would walk in nor would my family just turn up. We moved to rural Sweden. MIL lives 20 minute drive from us. She would turn up and walk in - I hated it especially as we were renovating and we're never guest ready. Cue cats bum mouth disaaproval from MIL. I said could she let us know if she was coming. She had a blue fit with her legs in the air and said 'I am not asking permission to visit my own son'. I replied that 'It's not about asking permission, it's about if we are around or if we are busy'. She said its NOT the way things are done over here. I had to say I am NOT (the only time she doesnt remind me) from here and dont feel comfortable with it. For a few month she would drive onto the car parking spot and ring from the car 'Can I come in?' We could see her from the window. She is a nightmare.

Keep at it. Lock the door, Take away the key. But you need to pay her the same courtesy.

Lofo she sounds very similar...

We have a rule in our family, just knock and try the door, if it is open, just come in, if it is locked we are either having sex or saw you coming down the drive!!!

Working class communities... If you’re not at home when these people call (due to your busy, middle class activities!) then it’s not an issue is it?
Op’s complaint is based on the fact that she is at home, but doesn’t want people walking in.
Yet chooses not to lock the door...

Why do people say "does she need an appointment?" Like making an appointment would be terrible- really that just means calling /texting first to establish if someone actually wants to see you and if so, what time they are available to do that.

The alternative is assuming that if you want to see someone, you must be the most important person in the world to them, and nothing else they have on can be anywhere near as important as spending time with you, so it's ok - they will be grateful you turned up and drop what they were planning to do with their time.

If the OP called her mum and demanded she came over immediately regardless of what she was in the middle of, just because the OP wanted a coffee and a chat, we'd all think the OP was highly unreasonable. Its just as unreasonable to demand someone's time withour checking they are free or want to spwnd time with you if you are the one travelling to them.

I have an adult daughter an hours drive away, we arrange visits, she knows exactly when to expect me and I still knock and wait, as it is her house and I respect her and her boundaries, as someone else said, it depends on family set up, and yes, I work from home alot and also need time alone... but none of the practical reasons actually matter, this is how most of us are in our own lives except her.
My sister in law told her for it too and mum was moaning at me about it. I did point out most people, myself included, like to be pre warned of any visitors B)