My mother just turns up and walks into my house?

[oldschooloon]

I'm curious as to how normal this is, I'm 50 and my mother still thinks, despite finally being told no clearly after years of hints and resistance, that she can just turn up unannounced at my house.
I've at least finally managed to train her not to also just walk in without knocking.

Think yourself very lucky that you had your mother for 45 years

This.

It's getting to the point now where, if you want to have a bit of a vent about behaviour you're not happy about, you need to preface it with a load of caveats warning other people who might have lost someone (they had a completely different relationship with) to step away. Or at least try to see it from a different point of view from their own.

Bloody hell, shes your mother for goodness sake, not a stranger.

Agreed TheDowagerCuntess, and it does seem to be becoming more and more of a thing on here - it doesn't matter what an OP is upset about it feels like someone will reply with "You're lucky to have that to worry about, I don't have that worry because of " and it's actually just bloody unkind.

I mostly notice it on the mother threads because it's something I sometimes post about, but I am aware of it on others. Telling a woman with hyperemesis that she's lucky to be pregnant on a thread where she's clearly struggling, for example.

A number of my DPs relatives do this. It drives me bonkers. Never had the guts to say anything but in this day and age, how hard is it to at least text in advance?! I’m usually either on my way somewhere, the house is a mess or I’m busy doing something. I just don’t deal well with unexpected visitors and don’t think I should have to in my own house! But maybe it’s my fault for not having the guts to say anything!
That said, if it was my own mum I don’t think I’d mind so much!

My parents had a key to our house when we were in Australia for a couple of months and ‘forgot’ to give it back. I work from home and was in the habit of going for a run to clear my head. Came back from my run and sat back at my desk and just got on with my work planning to shower later. After half an hour I heard a noise upstairs. Both parents drinking tea and eating biscuits in the upstairs sitting room. They’d been there for the best part of an hour. Just as well I wasn’t having an affair or hadn’t walked out of the shower naked!

I can walk into my parents house whenever I like and vice versa because she is my Mum and we have a fairly big, close family. But all families are different.

Exactly Statistically - and to have the lack of insight to say they lost their Mum at 46! That's a lot older than many of us (who didn't see fit to throw out a passive aggressive guilt-inducing dig at the OP).

Actually, I'm mostly immune to passive aggressive digs, given who my mother is lol, and yes, my kids and I moved into my partners house which even after a goodly length of time is still a huge upheaval for him. He's s bloody saint and we would have been in emergency accommodation without him.
So I was more than a little surprised when she started doing that here, I hadn't even given her the sodding address, she's done that before too. Scary woman 😱😂
He was deeply unimpressed that she felt she could do that and will not tolerate it continuing, as far as he's concerned, she's bullied me all my life and he's not having it.

I'm not surprised he's unimpressed! He agreed to you guys moving in - don't think a free range MIL was part of the package

My parents come into my house whenever they like as I do to theirs. Occasionally they will knock first. I don’t mind.

My mum walks in whenever she wants and has a key so when the door is locked she unlocks it herself rather than ringing the doorbell. If I was sleeping she wouldn't wake me though. My poor husband......

My mum knocks then walks on in, i am completely happy with this, i walk straight into her house, my sisters would do the same.. DMIL knocks and waits for door to be answered, also fine.

Fuck all this 'if only my mother was alive' crap. There are as many different kinds of mothers as there are children.

My mother is an arsehole. Still my mother but she is hard work. She annoys everyone she meets, she's selfish and demanding. She doesn't give a fuck. I still help her - currently liking her after two weeks of willful neglect. I empty her piss pot every morning because she won't walk to the loo and I am bicarbing her carpet tomorrow to relieve the stench. She is terrible. I wouldn't have her at my wedding because she is a drunk. She's belligerent and called me all the names under the sun.

Not all mothers are decent. Stop this nonsense on here.

OP is trying to work out a life situation with the cards she was dealt. Good on her!

I lost my Dad when I was 18. My mum when I was 41. We were very close. I miss them still.

This doesn't mean that all those with living parents simply have to tolerate any and everything they do simply by virtue of their not being dead.

This thread explains why the burglary rate is so high with all these unlocked doors!

Just read the OP but it’s normal where i come from. Folk always just dropped by and family just let themselves in as most doors serm to be unlocked.

I would never expect my parents/siblings to knock. I love them, I'm genuinely happy to see them whenever they turn up and I'd never be so heartless as to tell one of my own parents that they should wait at the door for my permission to enter. I would expect my PIL to knock, though. I don't like them much, they show me no respect and I owe them none. This is what it can be reduced to really, can't it? It isn't about social politeness. It's about affection or the lack of it. Why don't you just tell your mum that you don't like her much and you'd rather she pissed off?

I would give anything fo my mother, who could be extremely annoying, to walk in my front door uninvited. Alas, she is in a residential home with Alzheimer’s.

Set some ground rules with your mother OP and remember you will not have the person who gave birth to you and loves you dearly, forever.

Additionally, I agree with the other posters who caution against sleeping in the bedroom when the doors are unlocked.

wotsittoyou but dont you see that allowing your family to walk straight in is just one of your ways of expressing love and affection?

Other people express the same love and affection in different ways.

That a person gave birth to you/is your sibling doesnt give them automatic right to walk into your home.

Well my mum is welcome to turn up whenever she likes without needing to call first ... it’s my mum for goodness sakes ! If I was busy or going out she’d jsut accompany me or go home and see me later .... I don’t see the issue tbh but I have an easy going relationship and could tell my mum oh sorry me and hubby are having alone time or oh I’m busy at the moment can you help or can I see you later and it wouldn’t be an issue ...... I don’t understand people wanting to keep their parents at arms length but maybe I’m lucky with my parents ?

Having said that I can imagine that it does depend on the mother child relationship though ....

OP - given that this is not even your house (as it's Dps) your mother has even less right to just walk in.

Talk to him about changing the front door to one that LOCKS when you shut it. And give dc/dp keys.

And yes, you should be feeling oh so lucky that your borderline abusive mother is still with you! After all, she's still your mother! (And it's that attitude that triggers me every time - s/he is your mother/father, therefore s/he is a wonderful, loving and lovable person and you, OTOH, are really horrible and spiteful because s/he has given you life and you are being a bitch for not liking them or letting them walk into your home. I have been NC with my spiteful, cold, selfish and immature father for over 30 years, and I still get 'but he's your father!', like that means he deserves my love. He doesn't. )

lisah and others who come out with 'of course she can just walk in, she's your mother', I suggest you have a look at the Stately Homes thread.

Just a quick look will give you an idea, a small clue, as to the relationship some of us have with our parents. Please don't, for fucks sake, tell us we are lucky to have them still alive

I'd love to have the parents many of you clearly do, parents who don't and have never belittled, bullied, controlled, abandoned, robbed, libelled, manipulated, stalked etc their children both as children, and adults, believe me the list goes on.
I would sincerely love to have a relationship with both of them where I was genuinely pleased to see them and spend time with them at all, never mind surprise visits.
But I've never had that, I don't even know what that could feel like. As a child I used to fantasise I was adopted and my real parents would appear one day and take me away.
I have maintained since my twenties, as healthy a relationship as is possible with them both (they divorced when I was ten) so that my children would at least know their grandparents. I spend time with them reasonably regularly by arrangement.
I don't get pulled into either of their dramas anymore despite the barrage of plain nasty I get when I have the temerity to say "no, that is not acceptable "
So no, there is no " it's your mother/father for gods sake" etc , not in my world.

My in-laws are like this. They live 5 minutes away and just rock up and walk in without knocking. My mother in law is the worst offender. She doesn't ring either to see if I am in or even want a visitor. They get very confused when the door is locked so that they can't.