My mother just turns up and walks into my house?

[oldschooloon]

I'm curious as to how normal this is, I'm 50 and my mother still thinks, despite finally being told no clearly after years of hints and resistance, that she can just turn up unannounced at my house.
I've at least finally managed to train her not to also just walk in without knocking.

OP, you need keypad locks on your doors. They shut and lock passively like Yales but anyone with the code can open them, so your teenagers can still come and go. Just don't give the code to your mum!

I think if you're going to change this, you're going to have to take a tough stance; maybe only for a short time. It looks like she will only respond to your actions, not words. You can't easily change what she does; but you can change what you do, so that you're not enabling her.

Lock the front door, day and night. If she turns up unannounced, ignore ignore ignore. Get the DCs onside; you all need to present a united front, and if they all need keys, so be it. Let DM make a few wasted journeys.

I'm a grandmother and when I visit my daughter and grandchildren I knock, shout hellooo and open the door unless I know my DD is at work and her DP is home then I knock and wait. At my home I would expect the same from my immediate family, if I'm doing something I don't want to be disturbed doing, I lock the door.

Same here, but I still, very rarely, just turn up.

If you aren't comfortable with her walking in then she should damn well respect that.

But, she won't. And no matter how many times you tell her, she still won't.

Could you get a keypad lock fitted - we're about to replace ours with one as I have a habit of locking myself out when I'm nipping to the bin! Just a typical Yale type lock that locks when the door closes but no need for kids nipping to outbuildings to carry keys.

You shouldn't have to do this but you need your privacy.

Ha, xposted with poster above

My Mum and Dad were always delighted to see me, whenever I turned up. Neither my aunt, or my Grannie, or my Grandma in law, ever locked their doors, we would just shout hello as we walked in. Seems sad to not be able to turn up at a close family member’s house without always planning it in advance.

Know what you mean. Shouldn't have to lock your door just to stop people from turning up unannounced and walking in to your house. 5 of us living here all coming and going at different times of the day so during the day our front door is rarely locked. I've been caught out slobbing around in my rags so many times though that I do lock it occasionally now when I'm really not in the mood for guests. Shouldn't have to though!

I wish my mum could. She died nine years ago.

My best friend and I do this all the time. My neighbours & other friends do it often too. My door is like yours and I live in a country village.
Haven't read all the posts but find it a bit sad if teens are in and out and you don't like your mum doing it. Unless you mean your own teens. We had loads of teens here in and out, in and out. Quite often found a couple of extras next morning on weekends. They were talking about it recently at my son 2 s BBQ birthday. Reminiscing and acknowledge that I was good to put up with them. I found them happy times the house is so quiet now.
Be careful what you wish for!

Maybe it is sad, from the perspective of someone with a very close harmonious family who all feel happy and comfortable in each other's presence 😉
Maybe you can have that lovely healthy dynamic but still prefer to be notified of any intended visit...

Leaving a door unlocked is not the same thing as saying 'come in'.

Yes, they're my own teens who live here

My DM only comes when expected, and it's not often enough! She knocks, gently opens the door and calls 'hello children.' She only does this for the DC though - it's a little exchange they enjoy.

She doesn't just barge in, and I can count on the fingers of one hand how often she has arrived without an arrangement to do so!

You sound difficult.
No, you don't.
What we have here is a generational culture shift. There's probably a proper term for it.
When I was a child, the back door was never locked, family walked
straight in, including grandparents. Neighbours/friends knocked then walked in.
As an adult (1980s) I kept the doors closed, everyone knocked.
Now, everyone makes an appointment.
I wouldn't (now, have in the past) visit my (very close and precious) dd without prior arrangement. My DFather, still in the house I grew up in, keeps the door locked (perfectly reasonable precaution against opportunist crime).
Tell your mother, firmly, OP.

Agree with SaucyJack - I’ve always found it much easier to establish my own boundaries than to expect her to wake up one morning and not want to be a massive pain in the arse.

It's much easier to change your behaviour to limit the effects of someone else than to change someone else's. You are 50, you know your Mum hasn't spontaniously decided you have a right to privacy - it's unlikely to suddenly happen.

Yale locks - your DCs will learn to take keys with them - which if they plan to move to cities/towns when older is probably a good idea anyway!

Then when she turns up without having called first, every time for the next 6 months, tell her you aren't able to see her and "I wish you'd call first, it would have saved you a trip, I'm about to pop out/got to get this work finished." If she calls, let her in. Even if you are free, just say you aren't unless she's called.

You want to be called first, she needs to learn through being turned away regularly that you aren't available unless she calls to check first.

SirVix (and others) it seems to me that's fine if you're all happy with the same, you're happy to muck in with whatever they're doing, or stand by and chat while they do it, or accept that actually, while they're in the middle of cleaning the gutters, mending the car, studying, working at home, napping, or enjoying a rare and much wanted afternoon to themselves, that this isn't a good moment - so you'll happily sashay out and on your way as easily as you sashayed in.

The problem seems to be with people who aren't happy to fit in and won't leave but demand that everything stops that attention might be devoted to them. And, those who don't understand the concept of studying, working at home, napping or enjoying time to oneself.

In a way it's an introvert vs extrovert thing, the idea that having people around is always better than not is a uniquely extrovert perspective.

It also reflects an old-fashioned attitude of housewife as servant to the family, whose own time and wishes are not important, as serving others' needs always comes first and putting oneself first ever would be extraordinarily selfish.

Plus a shift towards people studying and working at home, rather than going elsewhere to do these things. There are endless threads on here about people not respecting WfH as actually working, so unavailable for childcare and social activity.

I'd never heard of locking the door when you were in the house until I lived in central London for a few years. Then I realised!

If you live somewhere where you can leave the door unlocked you shouldn't have to fear that your family won't knock, definitely put a chain on, she'll get a bit of a bump the first time but will soon realise

I've always thought it a probable generational thing, she's so determinedly thin skinned she kicks off at the slightest thing.
One of her finest moments was well before I left my abusive exe, she told me she considered his angry and violent behaviour was because of how much attention I gave our tiny children
"After all, it makes me jealous!!!"

Another plan, does she have a regular group or routine where she goes somewhere that you know she won't be free?

If so, call her eariler in that day and say that you were thinking of popping over later, would X time be ok? If she says she has plans you can say how glad you didn't waste a trip, and arrange another time. Go to her, when you have said you would and suits her.

Keep reinforcing making arrangements as a positive thing.

OP - you're talking about comparing internal doors that don't have locks on them to external doors that do.

I agree with someone who posted up thread asking how badly do you want your Mother to stop walking into your house unannounced and uninvited versus how badly do you want to leave your doors unlocked for others to get access to your house and property?

One further question - when you get house insurance, do you have to mention that you leave your doors unlocked or not? I'd imagine that if, following a burglary, your insurance company became aware that you leave your external doors unlocked, they would be reluctant to pay out on a claim that you might be making for loss of belongings or whatever. You may want to consider that.
For the people that you do want to give access to (your teenagers for example) couldn't you give them a Yale key to let them in??

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Lottie EXACTLY

I agree, Mary, in the modern world we have less personal space anyway and if a person like OP is just descended on it's hell.

Narcissistic DM with no boundaries strikes again! She thinks you belong to her. And by extension, all of your property, family, friends etc belong to her. My DM is exactly the same. You have my sympathy OP.

I have no clue if the OPs Mum has a diagnosed personality disorder or not but I would never expect my Mum to knock on my door, when she was alive she always just came in as I did to hers. Totally normal for us and nothing to do with boundaries.

Lottie - in my experience, it's woman working from home that's not respected. Woman working from home are viewed as housewives. Men working from home means children can't even be in the house, even if said man isn't looking after them, quietness is needed near the room he's working in and how important it is.

My DM knocks then walks in as I would at her house, that’s perfectly normal for us. If I decided I didn’t want her to, I’d lock the door. I often just keep the latch on.

Totally normal in all my family and friends to just pop round without making arrangements. We wouldn't just walk in though. Well my dad does if he figures I've got my hands full. He knocks first though. We sometimes call first to check someone's in but if we're out and about it's perfectly fine to call on spec. My aunt's just called now to drop a card off. I can't imagine having to make apptmts to see each other.