My mother just turns up and walks into my house?

[oldschooloon]

I'm curious as to how normal this is, I'm 50 and my mother still thinks, despite finally being told no clearly after years of hints and resistance, that she can just turn up unannounced at my house.
I've at least finally managed to train her not to also just walk in without knocking.

You know, for people who have difficult relationships with their parents somebody popping up on every single thread to say "I wish I had x problem, my mum/dad/MIL etc" is dead is about the most unhelpful post possible.

It's really unpleasant and unnecessary. Your parent being dead doesn't make a posters relationship with their own parent any better. I'm sure sometimes it's meant in a "don't sweat the small stuff" way, but most of the time it just comes across as plain nasty. Especially since many of us with unpleasant parents get that sort of line thrown at them by the bloody parents to try to force us to accept their behaviour.

I don't think my mum would be able to find my house (despite only being 10 miles away) as she has absolutely no sense of direction. She doesn't drive anymore and wouldn't use public transport, so only comes here if she's driven. My Dad does though, he has a key and just lets himself in. I do generally know if he's coming over though. I don't have an issue, I let myself into their house, why would I make someone come to the door?

Lock your door and she can't do it.

'Open door' ------------ 'make an appointment'.

                Is there really no middle ground? 

Like 'call or text to check if they might be at home and the proposed approximate timing convenient'? Or 'call / text to say I'm planning to drop by later.'

Why is the element of surprise so important to you devout droppers-in and open-doorers?

If you can't change what she does, you'll have to change what you do.

This ^^. You can either choose to live with it, or lock the doors.

"why would I make someone come to the door?"

Because it's hardly an effort to open the door to someone you want to see!

Idk, my house isn't that big, but if I'm upstairs, someone could walk in, walk around downstairs & I wouldn't hear them.

Moot point for me as the door is only accessible with a key from the outside when it's closed.

I can't imagine sitting in my house with all the doors locked like so many of you do.

The only time I'll lock the side door (front can't be opened without a key) is if I'm on a conf call & won't hear anyone coming in, the rest of the time the side & patio door are unlocked...

If a mate is expected they just walk in, same when I visit them. Relatives, kids girlfriends etc just come in....

I just wouldn't be able to relax with all the doors unlocked and people wandering into the house.

They’re quite clear that these things actually have to have been in use at the time of a burglary for the policy to be valid.

So if you have it & it's not turned on your insurance is invalid, even if you're in the house??

Billy Bullshit - same as you don't have to have the doors locked if you're awake & in your house....

"After all, it makes me jealous!!!"

This in itself is disturbing, OP, it's really not the attitude a mum should have towards her adult DD. It sounds narcissistic to me. You need to establish clear boundaries with her, she won't change unless you do.

I moved 30 miles away! Because they were always doing that! The one year we had planned cosy night in with our boys for New Years, (my youngest was 1) pop corn, movies, board games and baths and bed-WHICH I HAD TOLD HER!! Both my parents just turned up at the house. I was then making drinks and conversing with them all night instead of quality time I’d planned for my own family- I had politely asked them to leave which they were really angry about! I don’t like ANYONE turning up unannounced it’s just the kind of lifestyle I like. Special moments are few in our house where we all finally spend time together- I don’t want it interrupted and the kids sense the tension too. Not good!
They’re coming tonight which we’re all looking forward to as we have no other plans

I must say, it would be my worst nightmare, having my DM just walk into the house, or anyone else for that matter. I like to have clear boundaries.

Another person who doesn't lock their door. 🤪

It's dangerous to do this and leaves you prey to unwelcome visitors...like your mother.

Lock the door. Or change the lock if she has a key. Mobile on silent. Move on with your life. After a few fruitless attempts, she will get the message and stop. That's because you established your boundary and stuck to it.

Oh @oldschooloon . I just read your update about your mother defending your partner because she also found your attention to your children made her jealous.

I am aghast for you. Seriously, lock your door and put a stop to her control. You deserve your own life.

Out of interest OP, how do you feel about your adult daughter popping in unannounced?

Obviously the nature of the relationship dictates how comfortable people are with family members arriving unannounced? In OP's instance then I can see why it pisses her off.

My MIL has our key and has never popped in completely out of the blue (she may say she'll "pop in later" without giving an exact time which I can live with). My MIL has a 6 kids and an open house policy so she wouldn't be fussed for me to just rock up.... But I don't just turn up and this is down to my mother [whom I get on fine with but she has extreme anxiety and has done for 30 years!!].... even her own children turning up unannounced would be difficult for my mum. We are always welcome but always have to let her know in advance and go at times that suit her very strict, albeit anxiety, driven routine

So my feelings on visitors turning up / myself being a visitor and turning up unannounced are deeply rooted in my mother's anxiety.

Out of interest OP, how do you feel about your adult daughter popping in unannounced?

It's a different thing, innit? My children would let themselves into my house because that's how it's always been, since childhood. Once someone moves out of home they're entitled to feel that it's their home and the older generation has to respect them as adults.

I absolutely hate the just walking in thing that people do.

I only thought it was in the Aussie soap ' Neighbours' , but no, apparantly people do this.

My partner does it when we go and collect my child from my parents house, but I guess they know we are due round and won't be doing anything that we would be intruding on.

Show some manners people, knock and wait!

YANBU. Even if you've grown up among people who walk into each other's houses, it isn't hard to recognise people who don't like that and adjust your behaviour accordingly out of respect. People normally do their friendly interactions with others on considerate terms, or they aren't friendly.

Whether you lock your door or not is neither here nor there. Some of us live in places or have lifestyles/property layouts where locked doors are unnecessary or an annoying hindrance.

My family tend to just walk in the door if I've left it unlocked, doesn't usually bother me because we are all close. But if I don't want to be bothered I keep the door locked then that way they have to knock and I answer. I don't mind them dropping by unannounced though as they are so much help with my girls. My in-laws on the other hand I stopped asking round a long time ago because they are so critical and annoying, I can't be arsed with them or their negativity. And they know better than to turn up at the door as i wouldn't let them in, or if my partner is here I send him to the door and tell him to keep them out!

I wouldn't object to my adult daughter walking in, as she would never do it unannounced, just as I wouldn't with her, she has her own unit/privacy/boundaries etc, just as I do...we message first if we want to arrange anything.
As has been said, while I feel for those who have lost their mothers, those of us with toxic and controlling parents don't need our issues being made to feel petty that way. I've had to work very hard to defend myself from her behaviour, and had got things to a civil, arms length healthier place.
If I had a better relationship with her, I still would feel invaded if she turned up unannounced, this is quite simply how my introverted wiring works.Add fibro fog etc on top and its not rocket science that I need to manage my time carefully.
I would feel as irritated if anyone did it, but as my friends are aware and/or wired exactly the same, it is only an issue with her.
DP feels exactly the same.

I have the older adult kids, and I only see all five together at christmas, she is always invited for lunch and so on, but lst yyear she turned up and walked in with a suitcase. so my precious time with all my brood was wholly overshadowed with her fussing over everything and sitting on her arse expecting to be waited on. She nitpicks my daughters, and spoils my sons rotten. Christmas was tense and stressful for all of us, and im totally not doing it at all this year.

I have a similar situation OP. That is why I have physically and metaphorically locked my door. It's a way to protect yourself and stop someone treating you like shit.

I am now very careful about what information I share - yep, it's sad but it keeps my sanity.
If I want space then I guard it - we go away for some events without asking permission or giving notice. We are not available.

The other thing is that the stink it causes is inevitable. Sulking and passive aggression is still there, for sure. But each time we assert our boundary the backlash is a little less.

I like my mother more now because I have peace and space. That makes me more patient and tolerant. If she complains about X then I can say, 'but you had Y'. If you begin to challenge her on her 'needs and wants' every time - in a clear and calm voice, they struggle to construct an argument as to why they are entitled to it.

I thank fuck for Mumsnet every single day because it taught me to unapologetically say 'no, that doesn't work for me/us'

Good luck OP. I really feel for you and understand what it is like. It gets better if you decide today is the first day of you being in control of you.

If your DM won’t listen to your express wishes because of the type of person she is then there’s no point wondering about ‘manners’ - she’s going to do whatever she wants to do. You therefore have to choose another method which I think is locking the door! (Sorry )

Huge thanks to everybody, there's been some interesting insights!!!
I've read everything but can't assimilate an intelligent response that covers a rather weighty thread
I shall tell her quite frankly that she needs to accept my boundaries, she should anyway as we know, but even more so that I now live with a new partner, in his home, and he feels exactly as I do.
" Feel free to tell her that that's the last time she does that, or I will ;) "

If you arrive at my house open the door & shout hello.
Take me as you find me. Ironing, cleaning, watching TV or in the bath.
If I'm busy I'll tell you to put the kettle or I tell you to go home as I can't stop for a chat.
If your lucky I'll even make scones.

If i want peace the door will be locked & I won't answer or even acknowledge you are there.
I also have caller display on my house phone & only answer it if I want to.
It all depends how your relationships are with the person popping in/calling & at 48 I'm not aware of offending anyone yet.
If you keep knocking the door or calling on the phone I know it's real important & will answer.
Thats the rules at my house.