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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like the way DM is talking to my twins?

159 replies

Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 08:09

I’m aware that I’m probably being petty here, but it’s starting to get on my nerves.

I have three week old twins. They’ve been in hospital since birth due to being premature. I’ve been staying with them and we are all currently in a side room in NICU.

DM visits every day and has generally been great during a very difficult time. However the way she speaks to the babies is starting to really get on my nerves and I’m not sure if I’m being U or not?

Examples: I was changing twin twos manky babygrow yesterday. He was grizzling while I was doing it and she started saying “isn’t your mum horrible. Look what she’s doing to you. She’s awful” I bit my tounge as I’m fully aware I’m sleep deprived and short tempered atm. However later on I had to give babies their vitamins and they started to cry a little as they don’t like the taste. She again started with the “isn’t your mum horrid” routine. This time I asked her not to say that about me as I’m only doing what needs to be done and trying my best. She responded that it’s just how you talk to babies and there’s nothing wrong with it.

In addition to this she keeps saying to twin two that she’s “going to smack his bum if he doesn’t behave” (he’s the more highly strung of the two) I let it go for as long as I could, but eventually had to ask her to stop saying she would smack him. Even the suggestion of it makes me feel really angry and upset. Again she replied that it’s just how you talk to babiesConfused

I get that it’s probably a generational thing, but Aibu to ask her to stop? I really don’t want it to become a habit that carries on. I don’t want my babies to grow up hearing about how awful their mother is to them and how they are going to get their bums smacked! I’m also fully aware that my nerves are shredded after three weeks in hospital so fully prepared to be told I’m being precious!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/09/2018 08:11

I agree about the smacking but the other thing about you being horrid is clearly a joke. I think you probably are being a bit oversensitive there.

ImSpeakingFigurativelyOfCourse · 05/09/2018 08:13

YANBU. This would annoy me to.

ChasedByBees · 05/09/2018 08:13

It would really irritate me. It may be a way to speak to babies but there other much better ways.

Cornettoninja · 05/09/2018 08:13

I don’t think yabu at all. That would annoy me now with toddler dd and I can well imagine in the early days that kind of commentary really upsetting me or causing an internal rage.

Besides which, no it isn’t normal to chat to babies about how terrible their mothers are. She’s way off the mark with that one and needs to pack it the fuck in. You’d be more than justified to get really upset with her to get the point across.

MaryBoBary · 05/09/2018 08:14

You’re definitely not unreasonable to want this to stop. How annoying! If I were you I’d say every time she makes a comment “can you not say that please?”. She will get the hint eventually? Sometimes it can take grandparents a while to adjust to your way of parenting. My mum for example if my toddler is upset loves to say “oh well, grandma can happily ignore you until you stop crying” where as I prefer to talk to him, try and understand the issue and rectify (where appropriate). I’m not talking about tantrums but when he’s update or frustrated by something.

Try and keep your patience. She clearly loves you and her grandchildren, but just needs to learn how you want her to behave around your children. She may resist for a few weeks but keep repeating yourself and you will get there.

Good luck OP, I hope your babies are home soon. Congratulations Flowers

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 08:14

Point taken @purpledaisies I probably am being oversensitive. They are my first babies and I already fret every time they cry or get upset. So having a running commentary in the back ground telling me how awful I’m being just makes me feel more anxious.

OP posts:
Pastaagain78 · 05/09/2018 08:14

I would say something. Very gently, tell her you have had a really rough time, this isn’t how you planned it. That it upsets you. That you appreciate all her support. If she says that’s how you talk to babies. Just repeat that it upsets you.

It would really upset me too.

ProseccoPoppy · 05/09/2018 08:15

That’s really weird and not on. Confused I’d have had to say something too - I don’t think any of that is ok. YANBU.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 05/09/2018 08:15

Listen to batty dgm talking crap to my babies.
Should do it.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 05/09/2018 08:15

Pretty normal tbh. All of the people above a certain age say things like this to little kids.

Hadalifeonce · 05/09/2018 08:16

I can completely understand how this makes you feel. You are doing what's needed by your babies, I am sure you are not happy that they cry and grumble when you do it, you really don't need to hear anyone else say how horrible you are. I think you just need to say to her that you feel bad enough about making them cry in the first place, and really don't want to hear her saying those things as it upsets you. Hopefully, she will be sensitive enough to stop.

Nubbled · 05/09/2018 08:16

A generalational thing? I have DGC and never threatened them with a smacking.

Next time your mother talks to your children like that say “don’t listen to horrid old granny, she’s just an old bag” and then tell her that’s how you talk to babies.

kitbabingley · 05/09/2018 08:17

I have heard this a lot from older generations. Talk of "mean mummy" when you're doing what needs to be done and "being naughty" when they're tiny and have no ability to do so! It used to hurt and annoy me, and I didn't even have the heartache that you have with my babies being in hospital so I can't imagine how you feel! I would try next time she says anything, saying "oh don't listen to Grandma she's being very silly, if I didn't change your nappy you'd get sore wouldn't you, and then I really would be a mean mummy!" or similar.

We all know (except in very rare cases) that these people don't ACTUALLY want to smack the baby, or think that nappy changing is cruel, but she needs to think about how her comments are affecting you. There's plenty of other things she could say!

sexnotgender · 05/09/2018 08:17

I think you’re probably being a little over sensitive but I can see how it would grate especially given the situation you are in.

atomicfission · 05/09/2018 08:19

I've never heard anyone talk to a baby like that. Strange and inappropriate imo. YANBU. Tell her firmly not to. Congratulations btw!

TheHulksPurplePanties · 05/09/2018 08:19

I think the comments ARE fairly normal, but in your circumstances I can understand why you are upset. Stay strong OP, soon you'll be home with your babies, and this will seem like much less of an issue. Smile

runwithme · 05/09/2018 08:20

No way is this normal, for any age. "Silly mummy, what's she doing?" is just about acceptable (but still not on). Saying the words in your OP is not nice at all and I would have to say something. Don't use the fact that you're fraught, or tired - she would just see it as an over reaction. Tell her that she's being hurtful and it needs to stop.
Thanksfor you x

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 08:20

@MaryBoBary I will try and keep my patience, but I am definitely going to continue to point out to her that I’d prefer her not to speak like that to them/about me. I can tell she thinks I’m being overly precious, but I’m afraid my parenting style is going to be vastly different to hers and she’s going to have to accept that. We get on fine now, but I have a history of MH problems that weren’t helped by the way I was parented. I’m hyper aware that I want a different life for my children.

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 05/09/2018 08:20

I get it. I can remember hearing people speak like that to babies as a child.

The thing is if pushed, your mum would likely say that it doesn’t matter as they don’t understand a single word anyway.
True but baby’s are very sensitive to their mothers mood so if you’re upset / stressed, so are they.

And as you say, you don’t want it to be a habit that continues. YANBU to keep pulling her up on it and say that if she feels the need to offer commentary then how about she tries “it’s ok baby, mummy is just changing you into a lovely clean sleep suit, almost done, you’re ok” in a nice calming tone rather than an admonishing one which they can and will pick up on,

inquiquotiokixul · 05/09/2018 08:21

Yanbu and if she can't start being respectful when they are tiny babies how is she going to remember civilised behaviour when they are old enough to understand? Be very clear to her - either she changes her attitude or she's not going to be having much contact with her grandchildren and will have to make do with photos. I hope your DH agrees with this too, you need to be a united team on this.

0hCrepe · 05/09/2018 08:22

I think she’s just filling the silence but sometimes it’s a bit of verbal diarrhoea. Maybe just give her a Hmm look!

Zcarter · 05/09/2018 08:22

I think your being a bit over sensitive but your in a highly stressful situation anyone would sending you big hugs and hope you get your babies home soon xx

Babdoc · 05/09/2018 08:23

I think DM is being passive aggressive. My generation definitely don’t talk to babies “like that”.
We might jokingly say things like “Ooh, who’s a mucky pup with sick all down his babygro then”, while smiling and cleaning him up, but normal grannies certainly don’t undermine an exhausted and stressed new mother of premature babies by continually making snarky and critical comments disguised as baby talk.
OP I think you need to call your mother out on this. She’s got some hidden agenda here, and you already realise this - it’s why you posted on here.

secretselkie · 05/09/2018 08:24

YANBU! at all..

Believe me when I say that her use of language/behaviour that has the effect of undermining you and/or making you out to be the bad guy is a something that will only escalate as your DC get older if it isn’t nipped in the bud now 😕

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/09/2018 08:24

I think it's actually quite common but I don't like it. Perhaps start your own commentary on what you're doing and how Mummy is looking after them and keeping them nice and clean and healthy.

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