Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like the way DM is talking to my twins?

159 replies

Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 08:09

I’m aware that I’m probably being petty here, but it’s starting to get on my nerves.

I have three week old twins. They’ve been in hospital since birth due to being premature. I’ve been staying with them and we are all currently in a side room in NICU.

DM visits every day and has generally been great during a very difficult time. However the way she speaks to the babies is starting to really get on my nerves and I’m not sure if I’m being U or not?

Examples: I was changing twin twos manky babygrow yesterday. He was grizzling while I was doing it and she started saying “isn’t your mum horrible. Look what she’s doing to you. She’s awful” I bit my tounge as I’m fully aware I’m sleep deprived and short tempered atm. However later on I had to give babies their vitamins and they started to cry a little as they don’t like the taste. She again started with the “isn’t your mum horrid” routine. This time I asked her not to say that about me as I’m only doing what needs to be done and trying my best. She responded that it’s just how you talk to babies and there’s nothing wrong with it.

In addition to this she keeps saying to twin two that she’s “going to smack his bum if he doesn’t behave” (he’s the more highly strung of the two) I let it go for as long as I could, but eventually had to ask her to stop saying she would smack him. Even the suggestion of it makes me feel really angry and upset. Again she replied that it’s just how you talk to babiesConfused

I get that it’s probably a generational thing, but Aibu to ask her to stop? I really don’t want it to become a habit that carries on. I don’t want my babies to grow up hearing about how awful their mother is to them and how they are going to get their bums smacked! I’m also fully aware that my nerves are shredded after three weeks in hospital so fully prepared to be told I’m being precious!

OP posts:
heartsease68 · 05/09/2018 09:14

You absolutely need to set your boundaries now and say very firmly "Don't say things like that to my children, that's not how we talk to my babies". If you hold your tongue now you'll have to do it forever and why bother. The things she's saying are harmless in her mind but very irritating and insensitive.

MeandMoo · 05/09/2018 09:18

Nope you're not being YANBU at all. My MIL was very similar with sharp comments and those awful "what is your Mummy doing to you" remarks when I was changing a Nappy or settling them. I spoke to my DH who had a gentle word in her ear, she told him I was being 'sensitive and silly' but the comments did stop. Maybe do the same with your DH if it's possible at all? For now ignore her, you're doing an amazing job Mama Thanks

Gersemi · 05/09/2018 09:20

It isn't a generational thing. I suspect I'm as old or older than your mum, and I didn't ever tell my babies I was going to smack their bums; I'm perfectly sure none of the parents I met at baby groups, toddler groups, nurseries etc did either.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 09:21

@MeanandMoo it’s utterly unraging isn’t it? There’s nothing like someone saying negative things when you’re trying your best to make you want to stab them!

MIL and her DM are descending from Essex on Saturday to visit for first time. No doubt I’ll have a whole new world of annoyance to deal with then. Neither of them ever met a cliched saying they didn’t likeGrin

OP posts:
MumW · 05/09/2018 09:21

These are my babies and things are getting done my way.
You have your mantra there, although I'd probably change my to our.

No we don't talk to our babies like that, these are our babies and...
No, we will not be comparing the babies, these are our babies...
We have no intention of labelling our babies as the good one, the naughty one so you can stop that right now. These are our babies...
That might have been how you did things. Yoh need to move with the times. These are our babies...

Congratulations and good luck. You need to nip this in the bud right now. Flowers

QuizzlyBear · 05/09/2018 09:22

That would give me the Rage, OP, especially in your situation! Definitely use @Nubbled's suggestion! See if she still thinks it's cute when she's referred to as 'that nasty, old granny' fifteen times a day...

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 09:22

@Gersemi I don’t really get why you would ever tell a baby you’re going to smack his/her bum. Especially not a tiny baby who weighs a whole 3.5lbs!

OP posts:
lambdroid · 05/09/2018 09:24

My partner does this when talking to our 14 month old and I hate it! I know he’s joking, but it’s not funny at all. I’m pregnant, feeling rubbish and am not as on the ball as normal so anything like that makes me feel awful and guilty.

Good luck. I’ve tried talking to him about it and it hasn’t changed. I try and remind myself that he doesn’t mean it etc, but it’s really hard. I don’t understand at all why people do this.

Goth237 · 05/09/2018 09:25

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, OP. You must be feeling quite emotional with your little ones being in the NICU and to have her say that you're being horrid, especially when I imagine it's hard enough to have them crying when you're caring for them, is not right. It's obviously upsetting you and you had every right to say something. I hope your babies come home soon and that DM stops saying what she's been saying.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 09:25

@MumW I did mean out babies. It’s been a long night. I hear what you’re saying though. I want to get across that DH and I are an equal, united front. We’ve already had the comments about how men never do as much and how hands on DH is because he changes nappies. My DF commented last week how he “never got involved with that side of things” He changed my nappy once apparentlyShock

OP posts:
Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 09:27

Sorry to hear that @lambdroid. That’s really poor of your DP.

I don’t get why people do it either. It wouldn’t cross my mind to ever make a comment like that!

OP posts:
FlipnTwist · 05/09/2018 09:27

The thin is there is not much you can meaningfully say to babies, but it is important to talk to them a lot, so people often end up just spouting bollocks in sing-song baby talk.Baby talk is supposed to be a better way to speak to babies than using regular intonation
.I think you are bein very oversensitive, but just tell her to stop.It is brilliant she is comin every day and you are probably going to be very grateful for her help and support over the coming weeks and months.Pick your battles!

Juells · 05/09/2018 09:28

I would try next time she says anything, saying "oh don't listen to Grandma she's being very silly

I know you'd never do it, but this made me think..how would DM like it if every time she was there you went on non-stop about "don't listen to ugly old grandma, she's too old to know how to look after a baby". How is that any different to what she's saying about you? Just gratuitous insults. I'm sure the last thing she wants is to hurt your feelings - it's easy to forget how vulnerable having a new baby makes you feel. Plus you have two, and they're in hospital. She needs to STFU with the supposed baby talk.

babybythesea · 05/09/2018 09:30

the things she is saying are horrible. Really not normal.
Talking to them, commenting on things to them, yes. All good. But you could use that to support rather than undermine.
When DD1 was born, we were kept in as she wasn't weeing and they were starting to query whether her kidneys were functioning. So I was a bit fragile, and one night I was up with her trying to settle her without waking everyone else on the ward as she was restless (screaming blue murder). The only male midwife in the place took me down to a little kitchen type area, made me a cuppa, and then cuddled Dd for a bit while I drank it. And he chatted to her the whole time. "What's all this fuss? You've got a wonderful mummy and she doesn't want to be here either but she's doing the best thing for you and then you can all go home. Your mummy is doing a great job and it's not easy in here so you settle down because everything is going to be brilliant for you, ok?" A bit of reassurance at a frazzled time was just just what I needed.
You can talk to babies in a way that supports the parent, or a way that undermines them. Your mum should think Thumper. If you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all.

Brambleboo · 05/09/2018 09:32

YANBU at all, OP, to ask her to stop. Instead of saying 'isn't mammy being horrible' while you're giving the twins their vitamins, she could say 'mammy's looking after you so well, isn't she' or 'mammy's going to put you in some lovely fresh clothes' etc.
I'd keep telling her she must rethink what she says to the babies as you want them brought up in a loving, respectful and positive way.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/09/2018 09:32

Lipstick You could just set aside your natural inclination to be nice and not rock the boat...

Say out loud something like "Will you just stop! It's bad enough being in here without you doing your best to make me feel like shit. Stop it of just fuck off until we three are well enough to go home"

Repeat loudly until she/they all take the hint. Get your DH to chime in too. All you are trying to do is make them acknowledge that YOU have been through the mill and that they need to mind their manners!

Sausages18 · 05/09/2018 09:34

Congratulations on your new arrivals and I hope you are all home soon. Hope it hasn’t been too much of a rollercoaster.

This would definitely upset me, and I would want to find a way to address it. However perhaps don’t rush into a confrontation. You are knackered and doing a hard enough job without adding anything else to that right now.

Get yourselves home and settled, take a breath, and then think of the best way to address at a good time. You’ll have no shortage of general ill-thought out comments and unwanted advice as the twins grow up - it’s part of being a parent - so it’s good practice to eat used to handling things in a mindful manner at the right time.

Congratulations again and good luck with everything

PanickyBrum1 · 05/09/2018 09:34

Give it time and be patient, I had my in-laws come and stay with us when our DD was 3 weeks old, it's not until now that I realise how tired I was in those first few weeks.

My mother-in-law put a dummy in my babies mouth and I completely lost my temper, which at the time felt justified but now I look back on it regretfully, I could of calmly asked her not to and she was just doing what she thought was best.

The problem is now, months later, it's still awkward between us, she is now treading on egg shells and I'm probably coming across as strange as I keep over compensating by saying how well she's doing all the time.

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking her to stop but try and do it in a calm and controlled way.

trojanpony · 05/09/2018 09:35

YANBU?!

why can’t she just say “awww poor thing I know it doesn’t taste nice but it will make you better soon!” or something similar
Or just “ahhh there there! itwill only be a second. Mummy is making things better!”

Suggest these next time

Choice4567 · 05/09/2018 09:36

@Lipsticktraces I had the wrapping them up from my MIL, when DD1 was 6 weeks old she visited, it was a warm summer. Whenever she picked DD up she'd wrap her in a blanket. I asked her not too as it was a hot day and she replied
'Oh I've never seen a baby not in a blanket'

Really?! You have 2 children and 3 grandchildren and you've never seen a baby not in a blanket?!

MumW · 05/09/2018 09:36

how men never do as much and how hands on DH is because he changes nappies.
"Well that might have been how things were in the dark ages... " Wink

If you wanted to be a bit PA, and no one wouod blame you, maybe you could try responding each time "granny is being silly isn't she, mummy's just giving you drops to help you grow big and strong" etc

MorningsEleven · 05/09/2018 09:38

You've the patience of a saint. I'd have punted her out of the window without opening it by now.

It's awful having kids in NICU and SCBU cos you kind of feel like everyone else is in charge - I remember getting up at 2am to feed DS but he slept through so they sent me away and wouldn't even let me hold him - and to be undermined when you're in that situation is horrible.

Flyingpigs247 · 05/09/2018 09:39

Sending hugs to you.
You are already in a stressful situation (I've been there myself) and you have every reason to tell your mum that she is upsetting you.

My mum was the same when I had my first.
I don't know why they do it. Whether they struggle to take a back seat and watch their "baby" caring for babies of their own, I don't know.
I agree the comments are hurtful.
Whether she's "joking" or not she needs to be aware of how it makes you feel.

MumW · 05/09/2018 09:41

@lambdroid, if DP is talking about smacking, ask himhow he will feel when he tells nursery that daddy always says he's going to smack me. If carries on then this will happen.

HaveSomeGrace · 05/09/2018 09:41

Having had a baby in nicu, if my mum did this then I’d go for the jugular! YANBU at all.