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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like the way DM is talking to my twins?

159 replies

Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 08:09

I’m aware that I’m probably being petty here, but it’s starting to get on my nerves.

I have three week old twins. They’ve been in hospital since birth due to being premature. I’ve been staying with them and we are all currently in a side room in NICU.

DM visits every day and has generally been great during a very difficult time. However the way she speaks to the babies is starting to really get on my nerves and I’m not sure if I’m being U or not?

Examples: I was changing twin twos manky babygrow yesterday. He was grizzling while I was doing it and she started saying “isn’t your mum horrible. Look what she’s doing to you. She’s awful” I bit my tounge as I’m fully aware I’m sleep deprived and short tempered atm. However later on I had to give babies their vitamins and they started to cry a little as they don’t like the taste. She again started with the “isn’t your mum horrid” routine. This time I asked her not to say that about me as I’m only doing what needs to be done and trying my best. She responded that it’s just how you talk to babies and there’s nothing wrong with it.

In addition to this she keeps saying to twin two that she’s “going to smack his bum if he doesn’t behave” (he’s the more highly strung of the two) I let it go for as long as I could, but eventually had to ask her to stop saying she would smack him. Even the suggestion of it makes me feel really angry and upset. Again she replied that it’s just how you talk to babiesConfused

I get that it’s probably a generational thing, but Aibu to ask her to stop? I really don’t want it to become a habit that carries on. I don’t want my babies to grow up hearing about how awful their mother is to them and how they are going to get their bums smacked! I’m also fully aware that my nerves are shredded after three weeks in hospital so fully prepared to be told I’m being precious!

OP posts:
diddl · 05/09/2018 09:42

Talking of smacking if they don't behave is just awful.

The other I kind of get-I've talked utter shite to mine when they've whinged as I've been doing stuff.

But I do find it odd if she's wittering away in the background whilst you're the one sorting out the baby & possibly talking to them/reassuring them at the same time!

Best get her to stop though before they understand!

WizardOfToss · 05/09/2018 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldgimmer78 · 05/09/2018 09:47

OP firstly congratulations on the twins Flowers

I'm 40 but mine are grown up-ish now and to my utter embarrassment and for no known reason I now speak to babies and pets like this in a stupid voice too Blush It isn't purposely done and I often cringe when one of my dc ask me why I said something really silly and inappropriate. My point is that your DM probably doesn't realize she is doing it so just remind her every time that it isn't the way you want them spoken to.

As a side issue whilst it is probably a very stressful time for you try not to sweat the small stuff and enjoy the support your DM in providing.

lambdroid · 05/09/2018 09:47

@MumW - luckily, I just meant the ‘mummy is horrible’ stuff. He wouldn’t smack or threaten to smack.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 09:49

@MorningsEleven You do indeed feel like everybody else is in charge. It’s so hard to deal with. Twin two is still being tube fed at night, so I’m basically at the mercy of however the nurse on shift wants to do it. Some are really discreet, keep light low etc. Others come in, flick every switch in the room and start talking at the top of their lungs. It’s delightful at 3am. That’s something else my family and DHs aren’t getting. I just get all the self righteous “welcome to parenthood” comments. As if all people start of their parenthood journey in the sodding NICU😡

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2018 09:50

YANBU and I would now seriously limit all contact with your mother.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no.

No this is not a generational thing at all, this is her thing and her thing is to undermine you as her DD by talking to your children like crap. I would also think that your mother behaved similarly towards you as a child.

ohtheholidays · 05/09/2018 09:50

LIPSTICKTRACES No what your Mum is doing is not normal and it's not the way you talk to babies at all!

YANBU and you are not being over sensitive at all!

As for maybe it's a generational thing I don't think age is ever a good excuse,my parents never said anything like that about me to my DC or about smacking they're bums neither and my Mum was 66 when I had my youngest DC and my Dad was 72.

She needs to stop talking in a negative way about you to your DC now before it becomes a habit and she's still doing it when they're old enough to understand.

Maybe turn the tables on your Mum and the next time she says she'll smack your twins bum say "Oh isn't Nanny horrible,isn't she mean fancy threatening to smack you"it will ruffle her feathers and she won't like it but if it's the only way to stop her so be it.

Congratulations on your twins I hope your all able to go home soon Flowers

catsofa · 05/09/2018 09:50

Apologies I haven't read the whole thread, but...

YANBU at all. Put her straight with an angry, tearful "outburst" next time she does it, while you can still blame it on your hormones. It's a problem that will only get worse with time. Best of luck I hope things get easier for you soon.

bellinisurge · 05/09/2018 09:50

Can you tell her that you need a mum right now. That's the best way she can be a grandmother; by supporting you.
Are these her first grandchildren? My dd was no. 5 for my beloved late mum and she was more casual about it than I could have done with.

bonzo77 · 05/09/2018 09:51

So if this “how you talk to babies”, when are they no longer “babies”? When will this stop? It won’t. It’s not ok. It’s not a generational thing. It’s your mother asserting herself, belittling you. Undermining you. If she says this in front of you , what will she say if she is alone with them? And if she uses your tiredness to turn it back on you, remind yourself that if she cared she would see your tiredness as a reason to be extra considerate of your wishes. Not as a reason why you’re unreasonable and not to be treated kindly.

You say you’ve had MH problems that were not addressed. Your DB had MH problems. The common factor? I’m not sure how you deal with this, but if she can’t snap out of it I’d be limiting contact.

Passingwords · 05/09/2018 09:51

She's is narrating it all in a very negative way. It could all be said and should all be said in a happy positive way. Pull her up every time and tell her that she is being negative and to either be quiet or talk to the twins in a positive way. You could be a bit PA yourself and go on to talk to baby and say what granny is trying to say is, this is your medicine, it will make you feel better, got to change your nappy so you are nice and comfortable etc. Also tell her if she is just going to tell your children that your are horrible, going to smack and hurt them then she is not welcome in their life because you love them and don't want her negativity, so will stop her seeing them

BigBlueBubble · 05/09/2018 09:52

The older generation tend to say stuff like this unfortunately. When I was pregnant and taken ill I had to have tests in hospital. My mum (75) told my tummy he was a naughty boy for making mummy poorly and he’d get his bottom smacked when he came out. The doctor was like Shock and I genuinely thought he’d ring social services and report the threat to smack a newborn.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 09:52

@Flyingpigs I think their is an element of watching their baby care for a baby (even though I’m nearly 40Grin)

DM keeps saying how suprised/impressed she is by how well I’ve taken to motherhood. I’ve never really had anything to do with babies and I suspect she expected me to struggle more than I am.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 05/09/2018 09:53

You are totally, TOTALLY entitled to be oversensitive right now. I was a wreck the entire time I was in hospital with my ICU baby and he was only one baby and not particularly worryingly sick - it's an awful time and your nerves are shredded and hormones turned up to 11. Plus you're probably getting no sleep. The tiniest thing can set you off. It's NBU to ask people to be sensitive of that.

Reebeetee · 05/09/2018 09:53

You're being a bit sensitive I think. It's obviously just a joke

Daisy2990 · 05/09/2018 09:53

OP my mum is exactly the same. She still does it now and DS is 5. I’ve asked her not to and she takes no notice.
As my son has grown older and has picked up on it we have just started saying ‘oh dear, it’s not nice to say unkind things’ and ignored it.
However, if you feel able to strongly challenge it now then do, because these things tend to get worse

HelenUrth · 05/09/2018 09:53

Congrats on your new babies!

You're right in starting as you mean to continue. Your DM is, at this early stage, undermining you, trying to tell you that she knows more about babies than you do, possibly laying the groundwork for a lifetime of telling you how you're doing it wrong. (Been there).

Perhaps bring up your feelings before she comes out with the next unpleasant comment, explain to her that parenting has changed hugely since her time, and you will not tolerate negative comments - baby can't understand, but you can and you don't like it. You could give her an example of if baby is grizzling, rather than saying "isn’t your mum horrible. Look what she’s doing to you" she can say "isn't it lovely how much your mum loves you". It's still chatter that baby can't understand, but it's positive. Give her consequences if she doesn't abide by your wishes, e.g. if you say something like that again I will ask you to leave - then follow through.
(Tell her babybythesea's story which is lovely!)

But stand firm, my mother was always negative and at the time I didn't understand the ramifications of her behaviour. My children are over 18 now and have no relationship with her, which is exactly what she deserves.

Best of luck with your new bundles of joy.

MumW · 05/09/2018 09:53

@lambdroid, guess the same still applies. Children are notorious for blabbing! Grin

TinyTear · 05/09/2018 09:53

Both things are totally not on to say.

I would also talk to the babies but about how silly granny is and she things people still smack others, maybe she needs a smack herself... joking, we don't smack people, do we? silly granny, doesn't want you to get better and take your vitamins.

Silly granny, good thing she isn't your mummy, because mummy loves you no matter what

etc etc

Daisy2990 · 05/09/2018 09:56

Btw for the smacking comments we just say, no we don’t do any smacking in our house. It doesn’t stop them saying it (my mum even pretends to do it Confused), but it does make the point that you don’t tolerate it.
IMO threatening to smack is not a joke and needs to be called out.

HelenUrth · 05/09/2018 09:57

Reebeetee, a joke is something that someone says to cause amusement or laughter.

OPs mum is not funny and she's ignoring her daughter's requests to stop saying these things, at a time when she should be supporting her daughter.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 05/09/2018 09:58

I think it's not unusual but I don't like it either. I also think it's usually not meant maliciously BUT it sometimes can be and that hurts more - you'll know your family dynamics to know whether this is the case or not for you.

I wouldn't take the approach of also replying via the babies ("silly grandma" etc) - this is your mum, you ought to be able to say "it really upsets me when you talk like that, I know you don't mean to upset me but it does" and for her to respect that even if she thinks it's normal. If you can't be a bit sensitive in the weeks after giving birth, when can you be?! Close family are for extra kindness at times like that, not telling you to toughen up.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 05/09/2018 09:59

Negative commentary can come across as digs but its annoying and draining.

Back at her 'horrid granny would leave you all uncomfortable and dirty' and 'horrid granny would rather you get sick'. Soon shuts them up. Or rather it did dsis mil! 'After several parrots of horrible granny to her horrible mummy she soon shut up and started copying my sister who would talk and be soothing.

As for smacking, 'he's a tiny tiny baby. If you ever think about smacking him now or at any other time you wont see us for dust and ill have police at your door.'

If your childhood was messed up, i am guessing your mum had a role in it? Think on her role then and if it may be coming out now...

1Off · 05/09/2018 10:00

You're not being over-sensitive, OP, she is being insensitive. That's not how you talk to babies, it's how she talks to babies.

You've clearly told her you don't like it and she needs to stop. She should be supporting and encouraging you at a stressful time rather than adding to that stress.

It's not a generational thing, I'm much older than most posters on here and I never talked to my babies like this and neither did my friends. My mother did similiar ("Grandma won't love you any more if you do that again" - just the once, I made sure of that) but that was because she was deeply unpleasant, not because she was born in the 30s. So let's all quit with the ageism eh?

Maybe play Cliche Bingo with the in laws, if it's a short visit. "Is he good?", "Healthy pair of lungs on that one" etc.

You're doing brilliantly, these days soon pass, although it might not seem like it at the time. They grow so fast - thought I'd just get a cliche in there. I wish you every happiness with your babies. You sound like a lovely, thoughtful mum.

babybythesea your nurse sounds brilliant too. Exactly what an exhausted, anxious new mum needs.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 05/09/2018 10:00

Ps - when I've asked my mum to stop doing something that upsets me (quite similar stuff to this actually), she's reacted quite defensively at the time BUT when I actually looked at what was happening after, she did also try to stop. I think she sometimes deliberately/subconsciously goes back to it on occasion which hurts a lot, but I can detach a bit and understand it.