To not like the way DM is talking to my twins?

[Lipsticktraces]

I’m aware that I’m probably being petty here, but it’s starting to get on my nerves.

I have three week old twins. They’ve been in hospital since birth due to being premature. I’ve been staying with them and we are all currently in a side room in NICU.

DM visits every day and has generally been great during a very difficult time. However the way she speaks to the babies is starting to really get on my nerves and I’m not sure if I’m being U or not?

Examples: I was changing twin twos manky babygrow yesterday. He was grizzling while I was doing it and she started saying “isn’t your mum horrible. Look what she’s doing to you. She’s awful” I bit my tounge as I’m fully aware I’m sleep deprived and short tempered atm. However later on I had to give babies their vitamins and they started to cry a little as they don’t like the taste. She again started with the “isn’t your mum horrid” routine. This time I asked her not to say that about me as I’m only doing what needs to be done and trying my best. She responded that it’s just how you talk to babies and there’s nothing wrong with it.

In addition to this she keeps saying to twin two that she’s “going to smack his bum if he doesn’t behave” (he’s the more highly strung of the two) I let it go for as long as I could, but eventually had to ask her to stop saying she would smack him. Even the suggestion of it makes me feel really angry and upset. Again she replied that it’s just how you talk to babies

I get that it’s probably a generational thing, but Aibu to ask her to stop? I really don’t want it to become a habit that carries on. I don’t want my babies to grow up hearing about how awful their mother is to them and how they are going to get their bums smacked! I’m also fully aware that my nerves are shredded after three weeks in hospital so fully prepared to be told I’m being precious!

Tell her to knock it off. You’re the only one who understands what she’s saying and it’s annoying you so why would she even want to continue?

It's definitely your hormones speaking but I completely understand! My mum and dad say the same things about how mummy is so cruel dressing baby up or changing her nappy etc and it really gets on my tits! You learn to phase it out!

That's so annoying. If she wants to talk rubbish to them why can't she say something like "oh I know you don't like those vitamins your poor mummy has to give them to you to make you feel well" etc. No need to say stupid things like "mean mummy"!!

When I read your OP my first thought was whether your mother, in your childhood, was like mine: emotionally unstable, has you walking on eggshells, you have to conform to a certain view she has of your in everything from personal appearance to friends to how well you do in school... often says things that seem incredibly insensitive, but expects you to be very sensitive in your dealings with her... like you have to manage all her emotions for her? Does that sound familiar? If so you might be interested in the Stately Homes thread or the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

My mother said stuff like that when my twins were small. Also digs like "it's really hard on your DH that he has to come in from his work and do a night with the babies" (this was DH doing the weekend nights with the babies and letting me sleep, then at 8am I'd swap with him and he'd have a lie in till lunchtime, while I did all the weekday nights and days alone - I think she said it to me on a Thursday night as I was about to do my fifth night shift in a row)... it escalated eventually into her doing weird stuff, breaking little things and losing stuff and you'd have thought it was all coincidence except that they were always things that were quite dear to me. She kept doing the thing of setting the kids against each other, which I tolerated as they were too young to understand, and then she overegged it by taking an opportunity to do something cruel to my DD2. It wasn't a huge thing, but it wasn't nice. She didn't know I was watching so she tried to pass it off as unintentional but I knew better and it's three years now since we saw her.

If your mum is like my mum I rpedict that the undermining bullshit will slowly escalate to the sort of things my mum did. Be prepared that someone out of the three of you will be her whipping boy, the one who can do nothing right - might be one of your DC, might be you - if it's you you might find it hard to put a finger on what she's doing wrong ("she was a terrible mother to me but I can't fault her as a grandparent") but she may for example undermine your relationship with your kids or their relationship with each other. Watch her like a bloody hawk, and remember that it's your job to protect your children from emotional abuse - and that someone working to set your kids against you or each other is intent on emotional abuse.

This drive me bananas, especially 3 weeks pp!

Tell her to pipe down.

Just a sec? You're still in NICU?

Tell her to get to fuck.

You're not overreacting op.

As an aside, pumping is so tough and I can't imagine pumping and breastfeeding twins! You're amazing!! Would you consider /be eligible for donor breast milk to take a little bit of the weight off your boobs shoulders?

This would really piss me off! It isn't 'how you talk to babies' and it definitely isn't how you want to talk to yours.

At the moment the babies don't understand but they will in a couple of years, and her messages are really negative and damaging.

I don't think you are being over sensitive at all. I think your DM is behaving really badly.

If she really can't see it, model the sort of interaction you do want.

DM keeps saying how suprised/impressed she is by how well I’ve taken to motherhood. I’ve never really had anything to do with babies and I suspect she expected me to struggle more than I am.

This might look like a compliment, but given everything else she is doing, it actually isnt.

My love, you are a new num at almost 40 you say, you are now about to see JUST how fucked up YOUR childhood REALLY was, how bloody AWFUL a mother she IS and if nothing else, you can look to how she does things, and doing the complete opposite won't take you too far wrong, will it?

You are going to see how bad a M she is, and it's going to hurt.

She doesn't have to be at the NICU and I would say to her that unless she stops this utter CRAP, that she needs to stay at home.

She IS going to have to listen to you now, because YOU call the shots in your DC lives, you and your OH, and if you don't want her talking to them like that, you tell her to stop, and stop she does. Or she stays home.

The reason you were so troubled as a teen was that you are NOT the person she painted you as, that YOU are not her and are not a chip off the old block. you are a better person and mother than she ever was, you love your babies and want the best for them. she only thought of herself.

You are at the beginning of a new chapter in your life, one that will bring you great joy in the DC, but great pain when you realise just how badly you were let down.

I know this from personal experience. Be kind to yourself and just know that loving your DC will make you a good parent in the way that your DM wasn't.