Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like the way DM is talking to my twins?

159 replies

Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 08:09

I’m aware that I’m probably being petty here, but it’s starting to get on my nerves.

I have three week old twins. They’ve been in hospital since birth due to being premature. I’ve been staying with them and we are all currently in a side room in NICU.

DM visits every day and has generally been great during a very difficult time. However the way she speaks to the babies is starting to really get on my nerves and I’m not sure if I’m being U or not?

Examples: I was changing twin twos manky babygrow yesterday. He was grizzling while I was doing it and she started saying “isn’t your mum horrible. Look what she’s doing to you. She’s awful” I bit my tounge as I’m fully aware I’m sleep deprived and short tempered atm. However later on I had to give babies their vitamins and they started to cry a little as they don’t like the taste. She again started with the “isn’t your mum horrid” routine. This time I asked her not to say that about me as I’m only doing what needs to be done and trying my best. She responded that it’s just how you talk to babies and there’s nothing wrong with it.

In addition to this she keeps saying to twin two that she’s “going to smack his bum if he doesn’t behave” (he’s the more highly strung of the two) I let it go for as long as I could, but eventually had to ask her to stop saying she would smack him. Even the suggestion of it makes me feel really angry and upset. Again she replied that it’s just how you talk to babiesConfused

I get that it’s probably a generational thing, but Aibu to ask her to stop? I really don’t want it to become a habit that carries on. I don’t want my babies to grow up hearing about how awful their mother is to them and how they are going to get their bums smacked! I’m also fully aware that my nerves are shredded after three weeks in hospital so fully prepared to be told I’m being precious!

OP posts:
FurryBuzzer · 05/09/2018 08:24

I would approach from the point of view you have here: You've had a really tough time and while you know she doesn't really mean it, it's upsetting to hear her say those things.
If she says that's just how she talks to babies repeat: but it really upsets me and I'm feeling fragile at the moment

I have heard people jokingly talk to babies that way but I think it's understandable that you don't want to hear it, especially right now.

She doesn't need to talk to them that way. Would her son your DP/DH be better placed talking to her about it?

ZacharyQuack · 05/09/2018 08:25

"silly old granny's getting senile. She keeps forgetting that if she pisses mummy off she won't get to visit you. No she won't, will she? Silly old granny"

billybagpuss · 05/09/2018 08:25

I don't think you are being oversensitive, first babies are hard, NICU babies even more so, you are adjusting to a new life, worrying that you are doing things right, scared you're doing things wrong. So even if she does stop with the 'horrid mummy' line by the time the DCs are old enough to understand its not doing your self esteem any good. The problem is things like that often end up habit.

Just carry on asking her to stop and tell her that it upsets you. Hopefully she'll get the message.

Hope you're able to bring them home soon, my DD was in SCBU for 5 weeks with referrals to specialist units in a city an hour away. I wish we'd had something like MN back then, don't be afraid to ask for support when you do come home. You will be great, you won't actually need it but its nice to have it for reassurance as after so long with nurses on site you question everything and it feels so weird.

PurpleDaisies · 05/09/2018 08:26

She’s got some hidden agenda here, and you already realise this - it’s why you posted on here.

That’s a massive leap. Plenty of people talk like this. You don’t joke about someone being horrible if they actually are. She can see the op doing the right thing by her baby and is making a (not particularly great) joke about the baby not appreciating it.

Feefeetrixabelle · 05/09/2018 08:26

Oh is granny saying mean things about mummy again my babies? Maybe she wants to leave right now until she learns the right way to talk to babies?

MrsBertBibby · 05/09/2018 08:26

"Say that again and I'll wring your fucking neck"

"Oh that's just how we talk to grannies"

KM99 · 05/09/2018 08:27

My MIL did this a lot when DS was a baby "oh, isn't your Mummy wicked for doing that...". It infuriated me and I know I was also hyper sensitive with sleep deprivation and PND.

My OH started to shoot her down every time and she soon stopped. The thing is she may just mean it as a silly way to talk to the babies, but you are at your most vulnerable at the moment and asking her to be respectful of that is totally reasonable.

ICJump · 05/09/2018 08:27

I actually think your mum is being mean. She might not be intending to but she should be supporting you.
“Yes mums changing your clothes, she’s being so gentle” or something positive. You are having a difficult enough time without being told you are mean even if said in jest.

Excited0803 · 05/09/2018 08:27

I haven't heard anyone speak to my baby like that and I wouldn't have it. If people say he's "naughty" for not sleeping through the night (because everyone asks) then I correct them that it's expected at his age when babies are growing so quickly and need the milk.

Could you say to your MIL that you've read research about how babies have a much better vocabulary who are brought up being spoken to a lot using adult language to describe everything that's around them (e.g. this is your nappy coming off, so you feel fresh and cool). As you want to raise intelligent kids, you'd appreciate her using adult language in the same way too rather than nonsense talk that won't add value. Or just "I've already asked you, now please stop using violent language with my babies, thanks." And repeat.

Uncreative · 05/09/2018 08:28

First, explain that it upsets you and ask her not to do it. Then, if she does it again, use @ZacharyQuick’s response.

mavismcruet · 05/09/2018 08:32

My mum did a bit of this when my first was small. When I said I didn’t like it she pulled the “it’s just baby talk” and “you are over sensitive” crap.

The thing that stopped her was me doing it back to her. So as soon as she picked dd up I’d say something like “ooh poor you, isn’t mean DM being horrid taking you away from nice warm mummy”. Totally passive aggressive but she hated it and it stopped her!

Good luck with your lovely babies Flowers

Lordamighty · 05/09/2018 08:32

I bet I’m the same generation as your DM & I don’t think you are being one tiny bit over sensitive. She should not be speaking to your babies like that, as for the smacking comment words fail me.
Forget about dropping hints, tell her straight to change her baby talk to something more appropriate or keep quiet.

raisedbyguineapigs · 05/09/2018 08:33

I'd definitely say something about this. So what if you're being precious? (you're not, it's horrible) You have two babies in nicu. My DS was full term and ended up there when he was tiny. It's really stressful. Expecially with your first. Tell her you are her child, so she should be supporting you not stressing you out more and the babies are your children, so your rules. If she needs to be told she can't see them unless she stops stressing you out then if she's supportive overall, she'll rein it in and find out who's boss.

Rebecca36 · 05/09/2018 08:36

It would annoy me too. Likely to carry on when the children are out of hospital.

It wouldn't hurt to say that she is talking in a silly fashion, perhaps she'll stop it if you do that. Start as you mean to go on. She is your mum and we can say things to our mums that we wouldn't to other people.

Bear in mind she means no harm.

MaryBoBary · 05/09/2018 08:38

@Lipsticktraces I know exactly how you feel. Just trust your own instincts and do things how you want to do them. My childhood was filled with rules. Not a lot of fun and 0 freedom. I know I don’t want to bring my son up that way. It’s all about balance Smile

You’re doing great.

Rednaxela · 05/09/2018 08:39

You are not being over sensitive. DM is being an insensitive arsehole.

Nip it in the bud right now. No need to "hold out as long as I can". The instant something horrid comes out that woman's mouth you say "Don't speak to my children like that. I appreciate your help and support but please don't speak like that." Don't allow her to draw you into an argument or minimizing it as harmless. It's bloody not harmless. It's horrid and totally uncalled for and she knows that.

Sorry for ranting slightly, my DM started off the exact same way and I had to treat her like an unruly puppy to make her stop. She still tries it on now. I snap back "What did you just say? Are you joking? Cut it out." A subject change or leaving the room after.

Chamomileteaplease · 05/09/2018 08:42

I don't blame you for hating it. You are feeling very delicate and she is being so annoying!

I agree with others that it is the kind of thing the older generation say but that doesn't mean it's not stupid!

Two things though - one, it upsets you so that should be enough to stop her. Be very clear that it upsets you.

Two - it's all negative stuff. Challenge her to use positive language. That'll stump her!

Best of luck with getting her to shut up Grin.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 08:45

@Excited I corrected her yesterday for saying twin two is naughty. I pointed out that he’s just a baby being a baby. Twin one is (so far) ridiculously chilled out and he’s already getting compared to her. I really don’t want them getting labelled like that. I don’t think it’s healthy.

OP posts:
ChangerChangerson · 05/09/2018 08:49

YANBU.

I get the baby talk thing and perhaps saying something once but repeating it is not ok and would make me think she will continue to say it over and over again even when they u understand what she's saying. It needs to be nipped in the bud now IMO.

MaryandMichael · 05/09/2018 08:49

It's inappropriate. Every word, every breath, from grandmothers should support the mother, even if grandmas wholeheartedly disagree with what you are doing. I speak as a grandma.

'Positive talk, only, Mum!' every time she starts, and if she continues, take the babies away, or ask her to leave.

PookieDo · 05/09/2018 08:50

My mum does this to me and my Dsis and it is so so so annoying
I give her a LOOK and say... REALLY?

MollyHuaCha · 05/09/2018 08:51

My mum spoke this this to mine.

When they needed a fresh nappy, she would give a running commentary as I cleaned baby up and put on a clean nappy. It was along the lines of, 'Oh, you're such a dirty little baby, how could you be so dirty?'

She constantly told my young DCs I was mean and horrid, but in a jokey way.

I concluded that it actually was just the way she associated with talking to babies.

No wonder I'm so messed up.

wizzywig · 05/09/2018 08:51

Hope everything gets better for you and your two new babies op. And when you are home and the kids cry when they are with your mum, just say "i know sweetheart, grandmas wrinkly face is so scary isnt it?"

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 08:52

Thank you for all the responses. I really appreciate it.

I’m going to continue to ask her not to speak to them like that, but I will try and keep my cool while doing it (I’m fully aware I can revert to speaking like a teenager to my DM when she is annoying me. It’s not a good look when I’m nearly 40)

DH is totally on my side. Between the paltitudes of my DM and my MIL we are being driven slightly bonkers. I think our respective families think a stint in NICU is a holiday rather than bloody awfulSad

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 05/09/2018 08:52

I don't think you're being over sensitive.
They're not my babies, I'm not sleep deprived or worried, or hormonal, but I winced when I read your DM's comments.

It doesn't matter if the babies don't understand a word, they WILL understand that their mum is stressed and upset by something (these comments) and that's bad for them

Swipe left for the next trending thread