Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like the way DM is talking to my twins?

159 replies

Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 08:09

I’m aware that I’m probably being petty here, but it’s starting to get on my nerves.

I have three week old twins. They’ve been in hospital since birth due to being premature. I’ve been staying with them and we are all currently in a side room in NICU.

DM visits every day and has generally been great during a very difficult time. However the way she speaks to the babies is starting to really get on my nerves and I’m not sure if I’m being U or not?

Examples: I was changing twin twos manky babygrow yesterday. He was grizzling while I was doing it and she started saying “isn’t your mum horrible. Look what she’s doing to you. She’s awful” I bit my tounge as I’m fully aware I’m sleep deprived and short tempered atm. However later on I had to give babies their vitamins and they started to cry a little as they don’t like the taste. She again started with the “isn’t your mum horrid” routine. This time I asked her not to say that about me as I’m only doing what needs to be done and trying my best. She responded that it’s just how you talk to babies and there’s nothing wrong with it.

In addition to this she keeps saying to twin two that she’s “going to smack his bum if he doesn’t behave” (he’s the more highly strung of the two) I let it go for as long as I could, but eventually had to ask her to stop saying she would smack him. Even the suggestion of it makes me feel really angry and upset. Again she replied that it’s just how you talk to babiesConfused

I get that it’s probably a generational thing, but Aibu to ask her to stop? I really don’t want it to become a habit that carries on. I don’t want my babies to grow up hearing about how awful their mother is to them and how they are going to get their bums smacked! I’m also fully aware that my nerves are shredded after three weeks in hospital so fully prepared to be told I’m being precious!

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 05/09/2018 08:53

Congratulations on your twins. Hope they will grow up to be strong positive adults but that doesn't seem likely with GM knocking them down at 3 weeks old.
I would turn around and say to her "If you can't say anything nice to the twins, and I mean both of them, I'd rather you didn't say anything at all to them. It's not nice to tell a child/baby you'll smack them as they grow up in fear of you. It's not nice to tell a child/baby that their mother is horrid as they only get one mother. I guess granny never said that about you, eh? Great positive reinforcements there Mum."
As someone up thread suggested, ask her to use more encouraging/ positive language "Oh X aren't you a great baby today for mummy/granny. You're growing so big and strong already and you have a lovely smile" or something like that.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 08:54

@wizzywig I think she would actually murder meGrin

I’m sure she’ll make a devoted GM once she gets the chance (she’s not even allowed to touch them in here) but I want to start as I mean to go on. These are my babies and things are getting done my way.

OP posts:
serbska · 05/09/2018 08:54

A more appropriate thing to say would be “oh lovely, I know you don’t like your vitamin ibut mummy has to give it to you doesn’t she, there there lovely lovely lovely”

It’s not very nice the way she is speaking to them, very PA

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/09/2018 08:55

I agree it's something that some members of that generation may say. But if she knows it upsets you, it's just mean to continue as there are plenty of other ways to say things. They may not understand the words now but it won't be long before they do

Also I do agree it's not healthy to compare and label siblings as the naughty / good one and later on the clever / sporty / shy / outgoing one. I think it sticks and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy

nellieellie · 05/09/2018 08:55

You are going through a stressful time. The point is, you are their mum. If you don’t like her saying these things, she needs to see she is upsetting you and stop it. She should be doing everything to support you, so if I were you Id say to her that reasonable or not, it’s upsetting you. You assume she DOESNT want to upset you, so she needs to stop NOW.

WTFdidwedo · 05/09/2018 08:56

The smacking comments would really irk me as I don't even like jokers about smacking.

The first comments wouldn't though really as my husband and I do this to each other often, I'd never really thought anything of it. If someone's holding the baby and she's crying we always say "what's nasty daddy/mummy/nanny doing to you?" Etc. I just thought that was normal and it's possible your mother does too.

longwayoff · 05/09/2018 08:56

She is a horrible cow trying to undermine you already. Play her back. "Oh has horrible old granny made you cry? What a nasty scary old witch she is. Come to mummy". She will soon change her tune.

Kisbot · 05/09/2018 08:56

I used to work in an NICU & I've witnessed this passive aggression from relatives of the BM. It's not on! It's not normal and it is definitely a put down. If you can't speak to her as in she won't stop when you ask her to speak to your named nurse for advice.
If you sign deal with this isn't will exculate and you do not want that.
As a pp has written it increases your stress which the twins will sense. You are under a lot of stress in a strange environment as you need to keep people away if they add to this instead if supporting you.
It is not acceptable to have a relative consistently undermining you while you're dealing with your newborns. Personally I'd ban her until she stops so when is from the beginning she is not going to be allowed to insult you to your twins ever and call it joking!
A mum who continues to upset a daughter after being told to stop has issues. Knock it on the head. Or her!

Kisbot · 05/09/2018 08:58

Excuse typos. If you don't deal with it not sign deal.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 08:58

@MollyHuaCha it’s just so odd isn’t it?I can’t even understand why anyone would want to speak to a little baby like that?

My upbringing was fairly messed up as well (as was DHs) we are both resolved that our children will have a different type of childhood.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/09/2018 09:00

Unless there's a huge back story on your mum I think you're being sensitive although I do understand that it must be irritating.

She doesn't actually think you're horrid does she? And obviously wouldn't smack the baby's bum?

It's just a thing that some people say. By all means talk to her and explain that it is upsetting you if it's getting too much and hopefully she'll be horrified and won't do it again but I don't think she's doing it to be malicious or to upset you.

PookieDo · 05/09/2018 09:01

My DM sees this as reassurance to the child whilst also subconsciously telling the child ‘I would never do this to you so hopefully you will love me more’

My DM is obsessed by constantly seeking reassurance from small children that they love her, her identity is ‘lovely DGM’ but in reality she’s overbearing (she has a very special high pitched voice she uses that we all hate)

stellabird · 05/09/2018 09:01

I'm a grandmother and it certainly isn't "a generational thing" for grandmothers to talk like that. I'd never dream of saying such horrible things to my daughter or her babies.

She is being passive aggressive, knowing that what she is saying is nasty but slipping it in for some weird reason of her own. And then putting on the innocent "but that's how everyone talks to babies / mothers". Don't accept it !

I'd wait until you have a quiet moment with her alone, and say that you really don't think it's appropriate to speak like this and that you want her to stop NOW. If you don't, she'll be speaking like that when the children are grown , undermining you every inch of the way.

Good luck - and congratulations on the babies.

longwayoff · 05/09/2018 09:01

I'm amazed by how many people think its just normal. It isn't. If it is, it shouldn't be. Grandparents shouldn't undermine parents.

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/09/2018 09:02

Tell her how much it is upsetting you at an already stressful time, and tell her (not ask) to stop it. She can speak to the crying baby in a different way. For context, my mum did this a bit when mine were set, it didn't bother me then. It would have when they were small. Not the smacking though

noobs18 · 05/09/2018 09:02

Op yanbu at all. I know lots of people talk like this but that doesn't make it ok! My dh did the "mean mummy" thing a couple of times when ds was born until tiredness and hormones made me cry hysterically! He'd no idea how much it upset me and has never done it since

The smacking if they're naughty thing makes me RAGE! a, smacking is no longer an acceptable punishment. B, a tiny baby is not capable of being naughty!!! I hate when older generations describe tiny babies as naughty

I would tell your dm to stop every single time she does it. Hopefully she'll get the message

Congrats on your twins and hope you all get home soon

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 09:02

@AmIright It definitely does become a self fulfilling prophecy. I was always labelled the sensible one as my DB had loads of mental health issues.

In reality I had an eating disorder and self harmed for years. All completely ignored as it didn’t fit in with the narrative of what I was like. My DM still goes on about how horrendous I was from the age of 16 onwards. It was actually because I was suicidal with depression and nobody tried to help me.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 05/09/2018 09:03

If I say no to my children she will always side with them and never me
If you do anything that makes the child cry or upset - like brush their hair or teeth she wants to take over and do it because she is convinced that the child wouldn’t cry if she did it. And is constantly saying ‘mean mummy’

TheMaddHugger · 05/09/2018 09:03

Hmm. No that isn't how we talk to our Grandkid. ((((Hugs)))) OP

Kisbot · 05/09/2018 09:04

Really sorry lot of typos in that I hope you understand. Please don't allow her to continue to upset you. Ask staff for help even the Dr will have a word with her as it's detrimental for you and the twins. Your mum doesn't get to decide what is normal/ what you find upsetting with your twins only you do and she has to comply.

MessyBun247 · 05/09/2018 09:07

You aren’t being over sensitive. I can’t believe people are saying you are. You have told your mum not to do this (it’s fucking rude and weird) and she keeps doing it, knowing that it upsets you.

So you have three choices:
Just accept it and let your resentment grow.
EVERY time she makes a stupid comment, tell her to stop speaking like that.
Restrict the time she spends with you and your DC.

I hate when people get away with shitty behaviour because ‘it’s a generational thing’. It’s not the olden days any more. People don’t have to automatically respect/accept what people say just because they are old.

spottybetty · 05/09/2018 09:09

"Say that again and I'll wring your fucking neck"
"Oh that's just how we talk to grannies"

Grin

Your mum deserves this response. YANBU! Tell ehr to pack it in every single time.

And congrats on your new babies! Hope you're all home soon.

flissfloss65 · 05/09/2018 09:11

I’d worry if you let her continue she’ll be spouting this throughout their childhood.

Stop her now.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 09:13

@MessyBun Other annoying generational things...

Commenting baby is “filling his/her nappy” every time they grimace or pull a face. DM is obsessed with this.

Being obsessed with them having wind/winding them. They are both BF and don’t really have wind at the minute.

Obsession with them being cold, despite the room we’re in being approximately 1000 degrees.

I love her really...honest!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 05/09/2018 09:13

@flissfloss This is my concern too and believe you me it isn’t happening!

OP posts: