Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

15yo son come out as gay

135 replies

chitterchitter3322 · 04/09/2018 20:20

Apologies for long thread...

DS3 broke up with his girlfriend last week. They had been together for 7 months. I was expecting this to happen as the girlfriend will be moving to another country in November.

DS3 didn't seem that bothered even though the girl told him that she wanted the relationship to be over.

DS3 was at his friend's house this afternoon, and he sent me this (copied and pasted):

Mum, I need to get this off my chest to you . You may have noticed I didnt seem very upset when (girlfriend's name) broke up with me . I'm gay . .

Now my phone was dead when he texted me this. I charged my phone and two hours later I saw the text.

I was worried because he didn't come home and he probably thought I was angry at him.

I told him that it was okay and it didn't matter I loved him etc...

So he came home but went to his room straight away.

I was unsure why but when DH came home from work, he seemed frustrated and started telling me he had a f**t for a son.

He had never really had a problem with LGB people but really?! He's in a mood and he's not talking to me or DS3.

I've got 6 kids and the other 5 don't know, DD3 has noticed some things going on.

I'm so sad DH reacted like this.

Should I get the whole family together tomorrow for a talk (if DS3 is ready to tell his siblings)?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 04/09/2018 20:23

I would speak to DH first and make it clear that he needs to keep his stupid ignorant mouth shut and show your son nothing but love.

multiplemum3 · 04/09/2018 20:26

You need to tell your husband that he's acting like a wanker to be honest. Your son came out, it's not a big deal these days. Imagine how shit he'd feel knowing his dad said such disgusting shit. No need for a family meeting, being gay really isn't a big deal anymore

GetItTogetherPlease · 04/09/2018 20:26

Speak to your son as soon as you can. He needs to know you're there for him. Dealing with your ignorant DH can wait until you've reassured your son. He's the priority. Good luck x

LadyOdd · 04/09/2018 20:26

I agree either he gets with the program of respect and unconditional love or he can find elsewhere to sleep.

LadyOdd · 04/09/2018 20:28

I don’t think you need a family meeting tbh console your son sort out your husband. I’m sure you didn’t have a meeting when he got his gf.

Shakirasma · 04/09/2018 20:28

Please don't have a get together, your DS is only gay, it's not a big deal if you don't make it one.

You need a serious word with your DH. Try not to let your DS know his dad is a bigoted twat, let's hope he gets over himself before DS finds out.

Feefeetrixabelle · 04/09/2018 20:30

I’d ask your dh to leave for that to be honest.

nellieellie · 04/09/2018 20:31

I think it’s great that your DS felt he could tell you. The main thing is that he knows you are with him on this. Personally I wouldn’t call a family meeting, because it’s up to your son how he tells his siblings, or how they are told. You can offer suggestions, but he may baulk at an all family announcement. As for your DH. I think you need to kick him into touch. This is his son. It may take him a while to adjust to the idea, but his son needs his support and needs to know he loves him. His reaction to his son will always be a memory for the rest of his life. If your DH gets it wrong now, your son will never forget it.

AdoraBell · 04/09/2018 20:31

If my husband reacted that way I would tell him that have an arsehole husband.

That may be helpful though, so talk to him about his reaction and the effect it will have on his son. Then give DS a big hug and tell him he is amazing etc, whatever words you would normally use, and nothing will change that.

user1473878824 · 04/09/2018 20:33

I don’t mean this in a goady way but as a proper question: is your husband always like this with gay people or is this a total out of the blue thing to say?

cunningartificer · 04/09/2018 20:34

Yup. Deal with your husband first. It will have taken a lot of courage for your son to write that. Did he also text his dad and get the negative reaction?

I would support him 100%and let him know it makes no difference to you. Talk to him and only raise it with the rest of the family if he asks you to—chances are the kids knew before you. Would you announce to them all he was heterosexual? Well then don’t do it if he’s gay. It just increases the feeling of being different which is probably not what you want given your husband’s reaction.

RatRolyPoly · 04/09/2018 20:37

That would be game over if he were my husband. No doubt about it, and believe me I know how hard it is reality and I'm not being flippant, that would be me done.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/09/2018 20:38

Blimey I'd be furious at DH if he reacted like that. What a nasty tool, your poor son Angry

Freshstart19 · 04/09/2018 20:40

I'd tell my husband to leave if he gave that reaction! It's out of order!

Original poster
chitterchitter3322 · 04/09/2018 20:41

Thanks for the advice. Just had a word with him and he's said "What will everyone at work think?" Etc. Told him to get his act together and he needs to support his son.

He's got 6 kids and just so happens 1 is gay, I don't know why he's so mad about it.

Going to speak to DS3 now. Hope he doesn't get too hurt by the words of his own dad.

OP posts:
ElioElioElio · 04/09/2018 20:41

Your dh needs to step up or get out. Being homophobic to a gay teenager is abusive parenting. It's completely unacceptable and will cause long term damage for your son if it's not stopped.

imadumbass · 04/09/2018 20:42

You need to sort out your ignorant cunt of a husband for one.

KM99 · 04/09/2018 20:42

Don't have a big family discussion, this isn't a crisis or bad news. Do reiterate to your son that you love him and ask him what support he needs. Stonewall etc all good resources.

Do take your OH to one side and tell him to get his act together. He needs to accept your DS and support him. If he carries on in this homophobic way then I'd be showing him the door. It's 2018 for god's sake.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 04/09/2018 20:43

It might be a shock for some parents when their DC come out. It might challenge their views and their opinions on what's 'right' or 'respectable'. It might worry them that their friends, co-workers or family members could find it awkward. It might even force them to think about their expectations of their children in new and different ways.

Yet none of these are a valid reason to be a dick to a person who comes out. None of these are a valid excuse to use words like "faggot", so whilst I'd show a little empathy to your DH, I'd also sternly suggest he remove his head out of his back passage and show his son he loves him unconditionally, just as parents should, or your priority will no longer be him.

How your DH behaves over the next few days and weeks could easily determine his relationship with his son for the rest of both of their lives. He needs to appreciate just how important a role he plays, and how much kindness and support your son needs.

ElioElioElio · 04/09/2018 20:43

P. S. My son is 15 and has a boyfriend so i find this particularly upsetting to read about your husbands behaviour and hateful language.

Thatssomebadhatharry · 04/09/2018 20:43

He’s gay its 2018 ffs.

Your only problem is your twat of a husband. He’s not speaking to you! Id be livid with him and chuck him the fudge out of the door.

multiplemum3 · 04/09/2018 20:43

Why would it even matter what people at work think? Being gay literally isn't a big deal, what an idiot.

TwoOddSocks · 04/09/2018 20:44

I agree with PP, it's not for your DS to have to talk DH around. I would talk to DH first, accept that it's a shock and he'll need readjust his vision of DS's future but make it absolutely clear that his shitty homophobic attitude is 100% unacceptable and he needs to support is son. I would speak separately to DS and reassure him he's loved. Do you know if DH said anything to DS?

RatRolyPoly · 04/09/2018 20:44

What will the people at work think?? Gosh, well I suppose it depends if they're ignorant, homophobic twunts or not, doesn't it! Twat.

maggie222 · 04/09/2018 20:45

My 16 yr old son told me he was gay earlier this year.

I had secretly know since he was very young. My OH and I used to say we suspected from when he was around 5/6 years old. My OH is not the father of my son but he was fantastic about it. My son has not told his father and asked me not to.

He said he had known around 4 years and my stepson who is 6 months older had known a couple of years which I thought was nice he had confided in him.

I asked him why he hadn't told me before and his answer was that if he was straight he wouldn't have to announce it so why is it any different. I really hadn't thought of like that but he is absolutely correct.

My son was quite introverted before but he has totally come out of his shell and in his element now. He has a lovely boyfriend and has become very social. He is extremely happy.

Give your son time, dont make a big deal of it and just be supportive with lots of hugs.

Your husband has been a dick so you need to be firm and tell him to keep his bad attitude to himself until he can support his lovely son.

Good luck

Xxx