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Original poster

15yo son come out as gay

135 replies

chitterchitter3322 · 04/09/2018 20:20

Apologies for long thread...

DS3 broke up with his girlfriend last week. They had been together for 7 months. I was expecting this to happen as the girlfriend will be moving to another country in November.

DS3 didn't seem that bothered even though the girl told him that she wanted the relationship to be over.

DS3 was at his friend's house this afternoon, and he sent me this (copied and pasted):

Mum, I need to get this off my chest to you . You may have noticed I didnt seem very upset when (girlfriend's name) broke up with me . I'm gay . .

Now my phone was dead when he texted me this. I charged my phone and two hours later I saw the text.

I was worried because he didn't come home and he probably thought I was angry at him.

I told him that it was okay and it didn't matter I loved him etc...

So he came home but went to his room straight away.

I was unsure why but when DH came home from work, he seemed frustrated and started telling me he had a f**t for a son.

He had never really had a problem with LGB people but really?! He's in a mood and he's not talking to me or DS3.

I've got 6 kids and the other 5 don't know, DD3 has noticed some things going on.

I'm so sad DH reacted like this.

Should I get the whole family together tomorrow for a talk (if DS3 is ready to tell his siblings)?

OP posts:
MrsFoxPlus4 · 05/09/2018 01:57

There’s worse things going on in the world than your sons sexuality! DH doesn’t need to understand it, but it would be nice if he accepted and supported it.

moredoll · 05/09/2018 02:06

Strange that he's more concerned that people at work will judge him for having a gay son, than that they will judge him for being homophobic towards his own son. Where on earth does he work, that people (even homophobic ones) would be so awful to their own children?

^This

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 05/09/2018 02:15

That poor poor boy. Wtf happened to family being a safe haven? A place to grow and be you? That lad has just faced an enormous fear. He needs love, support and acceptance .
Op, please try and be the mum he needs

LilQueenie · 05/09/2018 02:24

"What will everyone at work think?"

erm that he is a bigoted wanker and a shit dad.

UAEMum · 05/09/2018 02:50

Give your husband a chance. He said the wrong thing but was probably shocked. Give him chance to rally and prove himself.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 05/09/2018 02:55

15 yrs old, hormones bouncing, exams hanging over your head, spots, anxiety about body image, hair, skin, weight, thighs, clothes, blackheads etc etc etc and you find the courage to say “mum,I’m gay”
Give the boy a fucking party!

LilQueenie · 05/09/2018 03:18

He said the wrong thing but was probably shocked.

nowhere at all have I ever seen a symptom of shock being homophobia

aurynne · 05/09/2018 03:23

Your DH is an idiot manchild who believes his masculinity is negatively affected by extension, by having a son who is gay. I am sorry you had to find out that way.

Personally I could not show support for a partner who reacts like that to a son of mine letting me know he likes boys and not girls.

BurningTheToast · 05/09/2018 05:27

OP, you said: "Had a chat with DS3 and he's obviously upset.
I said to him that I was really unhappy with his dad's behaviour and if he did it again he'd be out the bloody door."

But have you told his dad that? Because he's the person who needs to know that you're not going to tolerate his homophobic attitudes and that he needs to adjust his behaviour.

As for getting all the kids together so that DS can tell them - is that your idea or his? That he wants you there implies that you've suggested this and I really can't see how it will help. It just makes it a bigger deal than it actually is.

My son came out at 15. Thinking about it, I probably always knew and it had crossed DH's mind over the previous couple of years. DS was remarkably chilled out about it - told a few friends, told us, told people at school if they'd heard gossip and asked him - and so far he hasn't had any problems. But out there in the world he might, and he - and your son too - need to know that at home everyone is accepting and everyone has their back.

As for your DH, if he continues like this then you can have my very first LTB, because he's shown you the kind of man he really is.

TheHulksPurplePanties · 05/09/2018 05:48

God, I don't often say this but I'd LTB.

My DFIL was homophobic when I met him (met my DH through mutual gay friends so I knew DH wasn't homophobic) and I made it clear to DH that if we had a child who was gay and DFIL was not 100% supportive he'd be out of our life. DH agreed.

DFIL has since radically changed his opinion, so I'm not so worried now, but the ultimatum still stands.

KnotsInMay · 05/09/2018 06:05

OP, why the rush to ‘tell the siblings’? Great if your Ds especially wants to do that, but he hasn’t suddenly become someone new, it’s just a normal part of life.

I worry a bit that given your husband’s Neanderthal response, some of your other children might be a bit lacking in awareness, sensitivity or common sense around homosexuality. Are you confident that they will be matter of fact / supportive of their brother?

Sallystyle · 05/09/2018 06:10

I would have to leave him. My son is gay and if my husband reacted like your husband did it would be game over. I wouldn't be able to look at the despicable bastard.

It was no big deal for us because we aren't homophobic or think it is ok to damage a child who has just told us they were gay.

1Wanda1 · 05/09/2018 06:18

I'm so sorry you're in this position.

I came out to my parents much later in life - in my 30s. Unfortunately they didn't react very well either and we didn't speak for several months. All fine now, and they get on well with my DW, but it's been hard because of that early reaction.

Explain to your DH that your DS will remember DH's behaviour for the rest of his life. Does your DH want his relationship with his son to be affected in this way? He may "get used to it" in time but will never be able to put right his initial behaviour - though he could do a lot to help by apologising to DS now and saying nothing offensive from here on.

I feel for you and your DS. You sound like a lovely mum. I hope telling his siblings goes well today (am sure it will - being gay is nothing to teens these days).

PhoebefromFriends · 05/09/2018 06:19

The only meeting you need to have is one to tell your DC you are leaving their ignorant homophobic father. Support your son. I hope today goes well. Your DS has taken a brave step telling you, now its time to step up and show him he's loved regardless of who he loves.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/09/2018 06:34

I think it’s desperately sad that your son told you he’s gay and that his father’s immediate reaction was to use a homophobic slur and make it about himself rather than his son.

I also think it’s absolutely shocking that anyone in 2018 uses such foul language about something which is completely normal.

I wouldn’t be able to look at DP again in the same way if I knew he harboured such bigotry.

OliveBranchManager · 05/09/2018 06:39

He was shocked and upset. Its an unknown (to him)

P3onyPenny · 05/09/2018 06:57

You need to let your son know your husband is completely wrong that he is homophobic and homophobia is wrong and against the law. Let him know how much you love him and how little you care re his sexuality.

Hearing derogatory language like this can have a massive impact on the mental health of gay teens. Can you get him any mentoring support at school or in the wider community?

P3onyPenny · 05/09/2018 06:58

I would leave him in an instant if he use some the word again. It's a safeguarding isssue for your son.

Ophelialovescats · 05/09/2018 07:02

Gosh your DH has a big problem if that's the way his mind works .
Two of my daughters are gay ...no big fuss regarding discussions or telling people. If it comes up in conversation, for example, being asked if they have boyfriends, I say " no, nor girlfriends.." etc. Always said in a casual way in order to normalise depending on who is asking.
It is normal. And their sexuality is their business.
One female relative was appalled and I stopped her in her homophobic rant by asking about her sex life (she's in her 70s).
She now no longer speak yo us which is perfect !!

Onthebrink87 · 05/09/2018 07:10

Firstly, its brilliant that your son was able to tell you - it speaks a lot about you as a mother! Continue to be a great mum and support him by telling your dh to stop being a twat! It's understandably a shock to sone parents - but that's no excuse for such disgusting language! Tell him to dust himself off and stop acting like a child or put him out on his arse!
Give you're son a big hug and let him know how proud you are of him!

Scientistic · 05/09/2018 07:13

Shock isn't an excuse for using a hideous slur. Judge how he seems and go from there... if your dh isn't massively ashamed of himself today then you know you have a big issue.

Mine are young but know they never need to worry about any of this. Dh friends have said they don't want their sons to be gay. Dh told them to get over themselves and try to explain the issue. Same thing, what will friends think etc. Dh calmly talked them through it. I've never looked at them the same way since.

@crispysausagerolls of course there is. There always will be. It's wrong, but it's fact. Don't forget the religious angle as well as the people who are just idiots. (Disclaimer: I know a massive % of religious people aren't homophobic so that isn't a sweeping statement)

Op you sound lovely. Your son needs to know you have his back with dh. As above, dh reaction would determine my next steps.

Witchofwisteria · 05/09/2018 07:26

Talk to DS first, tell him you're fine that he's gay but you're disappointed his Dad is being a complete c**t. He's the only one who's lifestyle as a bigoted arse is not acceptable.

Talk to DH. Personally I would be livid and tell him if he doesn't like it and is going to be openly horrible then there's the door. Although that might be the wrong response and you don't want to cause upset and make it obvious to the whole family... So ignore that.

Hopefully he will just get used to it and apologise to your DS I'd explain to him this is either his chance to prove to his son he's an amazing dad or a nasty one, he will remember his reaction forever.

KnotsInMay · 05/09/2018 07:55

I would have a calm conversation with your DH. Tell him how upset Ds is. Ask him what he thinks Ds should do, given that sexuality is not a choice. Should he:
-Pretend to be someone he isn’t, hide himself from his family feeling lonely and excluded

  • Leave home and change his name so that he isn’t connected to his father
  • Talk openly to his family who love him and get in with his schooling, his social life and be a successful happy person.

Ask your DH why he reacted as he did, what are his thoughts and fears.

Ask him how he thinks his son will view him if he lets him down.

Remind him that he needs to set an example if being a loving supportive parent.

I am as horrified and angry by his response as everyone else but I don’t think tearing the family apart in the slipstream of your Ds coming out will make your Ds feel great, at all.

ShatnersWig · 05/09/2018 08:06

OP, you were on a thread once about people disowning their sons and you said you could under certain circumstances.

Glad this isn't one of them, but in your shoes I'd be disowning your husband. Seriously. And I rarely tell anyone to LTB.

AlexaShutUp · 05/09/2018 08:12

If my dd turns out to be gay, I really hope she never feels the need to "come out" as such. I have no idea what I'd say!

I wouldn't want to show indifference, because that could be misinterpreted as not being supportive. On the other hand, I wouldn't really want to offer reassurance, as that seems to imply that there is something wrong with being gay that would make reassurance necessary. After all, I wouldn't feel the need to reassure her if she told me she was straight, and I would hope dd could tell me that she was gay without any fear that it might change anything.

On balance, whether she is gay, straight or bisexual, I hope that she'll just introduce to me to someone when she wants me to meet them.