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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

15yo son come out as gay

135 replies

chitterchitter3322 · 04/09/2018 20:20

Apologies for long thread...

DS3 broke up with his girlfriend last week. They had been together for 7 months. I was expecting this to happen as the girlfriend will be moving to another country in November.

DS3 didn't seem that bothered even though the girl told him that she wanted the relationship to be over.

DS3 was at his friend's house this afternoon, and he sent me this (copied and pasted):

Mum, I need to get this off my chest to you . You may have noticed I didnt seem very upset when (girlfriend's name) broke up with me . I'm gay . .

Now my phone was dead when he texted me this. I charged my phone and two hours later I saw the text.

I was worried because he didn't come home and he probably thought I was angry at him.

I told him that it was okay and it didn't matter I loved him etc...

So he came home but went to his room straight away.

I was unsure why but when DH came home from work, he seemed frustrated and started telling me he had a f**t for a son.

He had never really had a problem with LGB people but really?! He's in a mood and he's not talking to me or DS3.

I've got 6 kids and the other 5 don't know, DD3 has noticed some things going on.

I'm so sad DH reacted like this.

Should I get the whole family together tomorrow for a talk (if DS3 is ready to tell his siblings)?

OP posts:
FishesThatFly · 04/09/2018 20:46

Your husband disgusts me. Feel so sorry for your children having an arse as a Dad.

This would be a relationship changer for me.

HighwayDragon1 · 04/09/2018 20:46

Honestly if my DH behaved like that, I'd be asking him to leave for a while. What a fucking areshole

MitchDash · 04/09/2018 20:50

I have a son who is gay, told me (I suspected anyway) and I have a son who I have no idea if he is gay, straight or into anythinng. Frankly it's none of my business. As long as they are kind and compassionate I don't give a rats.

My exhusband would be vile about it but luckily we haven't had anything to do with him since the children were about 11.

Dungeondragon15 · 04/09/2018 20:53

Your DH is being a complete dick. You need to tell him that his attitude and behaviour towards his child is very unacceptable.
Don't have a family meeting or make a big drama out of it either because it isn't.

c3pu · 04/09/2018 20:53

It's overused on Mumsnet, but: LTB.

rainingcatsanddog · 04/09/2018 20:53

I wouldn't have a family meeting. It's up to ds3 to share and he might find it easier to confide in each sibling individually.

Your h though AngryShock He wouldn't be my h any longer if he said that.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 04/09/2018 20:54

I'm sorry you have such a homophobic wanker for a husband. I think he needs to leave. You son needs to know his mother supports him and won't stand for those kinds of attitudes.

What an absolute dick.

whiteroseredrose · 04/09/2018 20:55

I think people are being a bit harsh on your husband. Your DS had a girlfriend until recently so it was a bit of a shock.

The key thing is how he acts now. Take it in his stride and treat his son as normal.

Getfitmumma · 04/09/2018 20:55

Ask your DH how he would feel if DS killed himself? Because kids have done that because of arsehole parents

MissionItsPossible · 04/09/2018 20:56

Faggot for a son? Wtf? Your husband sounds vile. Support your DS by speaking to him one on one, not in a family meeting setting.

mineofuselessinformation · 04/09/2018 21:00

It's a horrible situation for you, but most particularly your son.
Frankly, in your shoes I'd be telling dh that you are a family, and if he can't love and support each and every one of your children for who they are, he's not a good father.
Most people don't give a shiny shit these days about people's sexuality- I don't and I'm probably a lot older than you (those who do are nasty bigots, btw).
Your dh needs a talking to - sooner rather than later, and he needs to apologise to ds.
If he can't, he needs to go somewhere else for a while and have a good think about it.

MissionItsPossible · 04/09/2018 21:00

@whiteroseredrose
I think people are being a bit harsh on your husband.

“I have a faggot for a son”.

Yes, so harsh on the ignorant husband Hmm

MrsStrowman · 04/09/2018 21:00

I know someone who was in a twelve year relationship, bought a home together etc. He had two DCs from previous marriage, she gets on great with both. At around 16 the boy came out, her DP suddenly displayed homophobic views she'd never seen before, he didn't say anything to his son but was more distant with him. In the end she broke up with him because she couldn't be with someone so intolerant and bigoted. She still has a great relationship with both DCs (both now young adults) same can't be said for their father.
Your DH is awful, he's a terrible father and a horrible human being.

Original poster
chitterchitter3322 · 04/09/2018 21:01

Had a chat with DS3 and he's obviously upset.

I said to him that I was really unhappy with his dad's behaviour and if he did it again he'd be out the bloody door.

He said he'd tell all of his siblings at once tomorrow and that he wants me to be there.

I'm glad he's doing this and having courage. Hopefully DH will be in a better mood about it in the morning!

OP posts:
Almostfifty · 04/09/2018 21:02

One of my DC told me his pal was his boyfriend a few years ago. I asked him if he thought it would be news to me, and he replied there was no need to make anything of it till there was someone he wanted me to meet, but he did think I knew.

I talked to my DH that night and he was totally supportive, more worried about how our son had not felt he could tell us before, even though we've never made any comments about LGBT people other than wondering how anyone could be anything but supportive of them.

I do worry that my DS doesn't feel we're 100% behind him, but we certainly are, and all we can do is keep showing this.

chaoscategorised · 04/09/2018 21:02

I wouldn't be married to someone 1. Who thought that kind of homophobic and disgusting language was okay to say about anyone, ever - that would be a hard no from me and 2. Whose first reaction when their CHILD came out and told them something important was to worry what someone else thought instead of supporting their kid. He sounds fucking vile. I hope sincerely that you will support your son, including showing him that this kind of homophobia has no place in your home and his life. Poor kid :(

Storminateapot · 04/09/2018 21:10

My daughter came out at 16. We already had a fair idea and we're just waiting for her to be ready to tell us. If my DH had taken that attitude I would have been disgusted.

It is nobody else's business what your son's sexuality is, so why should anyone at work know anyway? It's a private matter for him and he has paid you the courtesy of sharing it with you. We don't announce the sexuality of our straight children to anyone, why should he think he has to do that with regard to his son?

Bizarre reaction. Surely a loving relationship is what we want for our children - who their partner is and what they do in bed is nobody's business but their own.

crispysausagerolls · 04/09/2018 21:10

Surely no one is this homophobic anymore?!?! 😱

MissionItsPossible · 04/09/2018 21:11

@Almostfifty can I just say that what you posted is 100% supportive and don’t for one second think about why your child didn't tell you before is a reflection on you or your husband. From a similar perspective it’s not the same, it’s like a straight child announcing he or she has a boyfriend or girlfriend, almost like there’s ‘no point’ in saying it before it was something secure. Reading what you wrote about your son reminded me of me coming out. Sorry for derailing lol

TheBeatGoesOnandOn · 04/09/2018 21:15

Tell your husband you can't believe you have an asshole as a husband.

Also make it clear if he treats your son disrespectfully he will no longer be welcome in your home.

Saying he's disappointed or sad is one thing but that attitude is beyond disgusting.

Wheresthel1ght · 04/09/2018 21:20

Your dh is a prize fuckwit.

I strongly suspect my dss is gay, have mentioned it to dp who agrees. Their female cousin (13) has announced she is bisexual. Her parents don't know and neither does dp's ex (sister of cousin's mum). Dsd confided in me as she needed advice as cousin had text her over a fall out with her girlfriend. I was really touched that dsd trusted me enough to come and talk to me. We had a family chat about how you love who you love and it really doesn't matter as long as you are happy, healthy and take relevant precautions when relationships move to the next level.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/09/2018 21:24

You're doing exactly the right things. Your son is a very lucky person (despite his dad).

I would say you need to have a very calm, very un-dramatic talk with your husband. This is not about him. Yes, he used a word you censored, but actually the horrible thing is that he thinks it reflects on him that his son is gay.

He may be thinking it's somehow ok to have this sort of 'low level' homophobia. Or that it's 'different' when it's his son, because that makes it personal and upsetting in a way that 'other' gay people aren't.

You need to tell him it is not ok, and nothing in his response is excusable.

My dad - who I am guessing has a good decade or two on your husband! - would still trot out the old line that he can't help it, he finds it a shock, and it's all terribly hard for him, this business of gay people. And I know this is a common belief, because I work with young people in their late teens and early 20s, and plenty of them have parents who come out with similar responses. They imagine it's really ok, and quite natural. So, someone - some of us - need to make it clear to them it isn't!

irunlikeahipoo · 04/09/2018 21:28

Well your DH May think he has a faggot for a son
But your son without a doubt has a homophobic asshole prick of a father who’s a piece of shit and I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire I would let the bastard burn

My DS is gay , his step dad who if you met him to look at initially you would possibly think he would be the most homophobic gay hating man this side of the Watford Gap. He looks like a thug 😂 or your local drug dealer 😂

But nope he has supported and loved my son , he’s took the piss out him; stuck up for him; cussed him and loved him as he always has done since he was 3 years old .

He encourages DS to brings his boyfriends home and DS knows that there will never be an issue with him being gay .

Your husband should be ashamed of himself he really isn’t a very nice man

Hotitalian · 04/09/2018 21:32

Your name suits you.I agree the husband is acting like a dick and needs to support the son but i read your post as you couldn't wait to type that. Was there really a need for that?

RiverTam · 04/09/2018 21:35

Coming out really shouldn’t be a ‘thing’ in 2018 but your ‘D’H’s response has demonstrated exactly why all too often it still is.

Has he always been homophobic? It’s an utterly atrocious thing to say.